Two hours tonight, y’all. And all the contestants are dressed in white. Yikes. And Ryan says there were over 70 million votes, yay for that, they got their extra 5 million bucks from Newscorp, and Ford, Coke, and the Evil Phone Corporation Which Shall Not Be Named were huge sponsors.
Ryan says it’s the most shocking result ever in Idol history or something like that. So Melinda’s out? Because if so, then there’s no point in watching the rest of the season, best of luck with your album, Jordin, I’ll buy it if your first single is good. Or Simon is going to sing tonight? Because Ryan did ask how much money they would have to raise in order for him to sing on AI. And Simon said it would have to be more than 20 million, or 20 million votes, or something like that. I don’t remember. Maybe that’s the shocker. No, it must be that Melinda is leaving. America is so stupid about music.
But seriously, if Melinda or Jordin goes, what’s the point? This season is whack.
Ellen Degeneres is in the Walt Disney Theater or something like that, where Earth, Wind, and Fire is performing a medley of their hits. That’s coo’.
Randy Jackson takes us on a tour of New Orleans.
And now there is the donation number. 1877-IDOL-AID. Or AmericanIdol.com.
Is that Quincy Jones? Brand new song written for this event by Quincy. Did he age about 40 years since Ryan shushed him a few weeks ago on the show? Is that someone else altogether? The kids are singing the new song, something about a time to share, and it’s set to an African drumbeat or something. I like the beat, and it’s very showtunes, so I know the men are HATING it. I like it unless they try to make this a new single or something. They said this is the next “We are the World” or something. Eh, it’s ok.
That guy from Will and Grace gives the phone number again and says that if every person who ever voted for Sanjaya gave just one dollar, something something something.
For the record, I absolutely DESPISE the Cingular / new Evil Phone Corporation Which Shall Not Be Named commercial with the mom and daughter speaking in text speak. DESPISE.
Ben Stiller is on, and he has grey hair. He’s fighting with his stylist over flyaway hair and then naming off all his movies. I LOVE Zoolander. He’s gonna start singing and will not stop until they’ve raised 200,000,000. And he is singing, and they are scrolling, “Please call 1877-IDOL-AID… as soon as possible… and stop him singing…” “Immediately…” He’s still singing… Funny. They’ve raised $8K. Come on, America.
Ryan and Simon are doing more of the Africa segment, and it’s very heartbreaking. Children of 12 as heads of household. There’s a boy named Grauman (sp?) raising his sibling(s). Very sad.
Ben Stiller is still singing. $11K.
Teri Hatcher wants you to give, too. So does SarahK.
Forest Whitaker sends a message from Uganda and congratulates everyone taking part in Idol Gives Back.
America voted, and Melinda is safe. Okay, so it’s not the most shocking result ever. Ryan, you either lied, or Simon is going to sing later. My money is on Simon singing. Ooh! Maybe he does a duet with Simon.
Pauler went to the Boys & Girls Club in Hollywood. There are 4000 B&G Clubs across America. Really good work they do. Gets kids off the streets when their parents aren’t home after school.
Il Divo is on to perform “Somewhere.” I heart this song when it’s done well. I suspect they’ll do it well. You know, I have issues with opera-type music: enunciation. What’s so wrong with enunciation, opera people? You’re too good for it? Otherwise, I’m on board. And that was lovely. I love male voices. But as a wise Diana Ross would say, you should “pronunciate.”
Dr. Phil says to give money. Remember, you’ll never stand taller than when you stoop to help a child.
Dr. House, Hugh Laurie, tells us in a cockney accent that we should phone in and help the children.
Ryan says that a member of the audience can introduce the next act if they donate $50. They pan to the audience, and Jack Black is already reaching into his pocket. I say, “It’s going to be Jack Black.” When they “draw” Jack Black’s seat number, B19, a bingo number no less, Frank, who is not watching, asks how I knew. “I was watching the show.” He’s more interested in getting to Lost. He is not pleased with 1-hour results shows, much less 2 hours? Frank, it’s about The Children! And no one will call in to help The Children if they do a half hour results show. I’ve almost called in twice now and suspect I’ll be suckered in by the end of the show. (Don’t tell Frank, because we seriously have no twenties in our coat pockets, Ellen.)
Jack calls Ryan “Crusty,” pushes him out of the way, and tells him that he will not be introducing anyone, he will be performing on AI, to be judged by this panel of judges. He performs “Kiss From a Rose,” “from Batman Returns, the most sensitive of all the Batmans,” and his friend from the audience already has a rose, and Jack pulls a rose from his pocket even. The judges stop him. RANDY: Yo, yo, dawg. What are you doing, dawg? JACK: I’m trying to be America’s Next Top Model. I mean, Idol! But give me your true critique. RANDY: I think the stretchy pants would have helped. SARAHK: Nacho Libre was funny, that’s true. But dude. I like you better in Tenacious D. JACK: You loved it. Come on Paula, give me some of that sweet love. Come on, I can take it, I’ve got the stones. PAULA: The School of Rock called. They want their diploma back. SARAHK: TOO MEAN! PAULA: You were crappy. Crappy. SARAHK: Could you talk like that on a real judging night? SIMON: The truth? The truth? You were better than Sanjaya. (Crowd goes wild, Sanjaya in the audience goes wild. Sanjaya’s sister looks furtively at Sanjaya like, “My poor brother.” But Sanjaya is just happy for 15:02.) JACK: That’s your idea of a critique? If Seal were here, he would give me a real critique. He’d tell you how awesome that was. RANDY: Yo yo yo. Seal’s right here. JACK: What’d you think, Seal? SEAL: (Shakes head gravely.) That was the best rendition of “Kiss From a Rose” I have ever heard.
He’s so hilarious. Jack Black that is.
Blake is safe. After that commie bullcrap of last night, he is safe. Wow.
Carrie Underwood went to Africa, and there’s a performance and montage of her carrying around little African children and singing “I’ll Stand By You.” You can download it from iTunes, and all proceeds go to the charity. I will be doing that right away. It’s beautiful, acoustic guitar and violin (or fiddle, as we call it in country music) only. Wow. Contestants? That’s how it’s done.
Rascal Flatts performs “My Wish.”
cofounder of myspace is there in the audience. Scoff!
The next segment is on a coalmining community in Kentucky. I can’t write about it. Too sad. They need money. 1-877-IDOL-AID.
The crappy Ford video is “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” Then there’s a montage of celebrities lipsynching “Stayin’ Alive.” That was actually very cute. And as much as I do not like Queen Gwyneth, she looks fantastic. For a stick. Dr. House is so funny.
Pennywise the Phil is safe. So it’s down to Chris, Kiki, and Jordin.
Back to Africa and some HIV-positive kids whose parents are dead. And then people filmed with Simon and Ryan who died later.
Josh Groban sings “You Raise Me Up” with the African Children’s Chorus. Those little children. They’re so precious. I’m sorry, this is going to sound racist, but black children are the cutest children of all. They just are. They have the sweetest smiles and the brightest twinkles in their eyes. If you don’t like it, well, BITE ME.
I just said to Frank, “Black children are just the cutest children. I hope we have black children someday.” He said, “You are such a cutie head.” Then he laughed and turned to me. “You actually thought that for a minute, didn’t you?” “Yes. They’re so adorable!” “If you really want them that badly, we can always adopt.”
Kelly Clarkson is singing “Up to the Mountain,” featuring Jeff Beck. I wasn’t listening to the lyrics, was reading Hot Air, but she sounded awesome, whatever she sang.
Ben Stiller back on. $38K. I’m starting to think this was prerecorded, because Ellen went and announced how awesome she is by giving her amount that I don’t think she should have announced on TV, because what is the point of telling everyone of your generosity?
LaKisha is safe. It’s down to Jordin and Chris. If it’s to be shocking, it’s Jordin, but it should be Chris long before Jordin. I still think the shocker is Simon singing. Or a Simon/Paula duet with Randy playing whatever instrument he always brags about playing.
“Prepare to be startled,” says Ryan. I’m sorry, I have to go throw up now. Celine really likes to duet with dead people. She’s dueting with one of my all-time least favorites. Elvis. Yes, that one. Oh no. The Children, the Idol Children, are out on stage to sing backup to this filmed duet, Celine and Elvis are both projected onto stage, and the Children are standing off to the side. “If I Can Dream” is what “they” sang. Celine off in her own little Canadian world again. If I Can Have a Nightmare while awake, peeps, this is it. I swear to you, this is it.
Madonna is there with the Malauian children, the ones she didn’t adopt I presume, asking you to give money.
So now we’ve decided that we’re going to adopt an older black child someday. I want one from America, since we have plenty of American children who need our help and whatnot, and older kids don’t get adopted as easier.
$30 Million almost already. Yay! Keep giving. See, I think we all wanted to hear a total first.
Who sang the final song in the finale last year? Taylor, Katharine, or Elliott? Well, hmm… the winner usually does that… right? That’s all the hint you’re getting.
Now Annie Lennox is on. She’s singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” and frankly, she creeps me out and has done since she left the Eurythmics. Where’s Clay Aiken tonight, anyway? Wow, she’s wearing an AIDS ribbon. I much prefer that cause to ManBearPig.
Aww, look at all the starving children in Africa and America and on the Indian reservation (I don’t know if they like to be called “America” or not, honestly, I don’t) saying “thank you.” Give them money!
I’m still reeling from that Celine/Elvis thing. I need Paula’s vodka. Care to share, Laker girl?
Oh hey, look! It’s a results show!
Rob Schneider: “Hi, I’m Adam Sandler. And you’re watching Idol Gives Back.”
Chris has a mic in his hand. Jordin does not. Chris is safe, though. Jordin is also safe.
Now at one point, I did say to Frank, “The only other thing that could be a shocker is that there’s a tie, and no one goes home.” If only I’d written that, y’all would be telling me I’m so smart. Woulda coulda shoulda.
That was so mean to Jordin, though. Making her think she was going home. Next week, two people will go home.
They show a clip of the kids singing “American Prayer,” and Bono comes in to “mentor” them. He says, “Well, you murdered that, didn’t you?” Haha. Anyway, he talks to them about poverty. I actually like him. I think he has a good heart and doesn’t hate people. Prove me wrong about him, but I’ve never heard him be venomous about people who aren’t on the same page as him. He just wants to get us all on the same page. Honey over vinegar and whatnot. He’s probably a little idealistic, but he doesn’t come across as an evil communist. He wants to help people, and any time I’ve heard him speak about America, he has nothing but good things to say about us.
And the kids sing us out. I hope they wear something other than white leisure suits next week. Eek.
I hope Kiki and Blake go next week. I’m totally out on both of them.
Archive of entries posted on 25th April 2007
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
I decided to broach the subject of how SarahK is suspected of terrorism over lunch. “Thanks for the tuna fish sandwich, sweetie. So why is there surveillance video of you at a nearby nuclear power plant along with terrorists?”
“I was just after that monkey because I knew you’d never get that done. I followed him to the nuclear power plant and then snuck up on him and threw him in the reactor. Then I noticed some Arab-looking people so I shot them to be on the safe side. What do you think happened, you silly billy?”
“What I think is of no concern,” I told her. “What’s important is that the government thinks you were with the terrorists and are going to have trouble believing you just stumbled on a terrorist plot.”
“Don’t get me started on the government!” SarahK shook her fist. “So they’re going to waste time hassling a good American like me while illegal immigrants are coming in over the border? You know, last week I reported to the FBI that suspicious looking Muslims were regularly meeting in a building downtown, and they need nothing about it.”
“They already knew there is a Mosque in Melbourne, Florida.”
“Don’t you patronize me too!” I figured I best watch my words, lest she strike me. “One of these days the Mexicans and the Muslims are going to combine forces,” she continued, “and then everything will be exploding and I’ll be saying, ‘I told you so.’ By the way, I saw your doctor when I was at the power plant, and he says you have an appointment with him soon.”
I furrowed my brow. “What doctor?”
“Um… I think his name was Doom.”
“Doctor Doom!” I shouted. “I keep telling you he’s not my physician; he’s one of my arch-nemesis.”
She rolled her eyes. “You can’t expect me to keep track of all your arch-nemesi. Now you better learn to be nicer or I’m going to be your next arch-nemesis… and my first strike against you will be to stop putting celery in your tuna fish.”
“But a tuna fish sandwich has no character without celery!” This was all very concerning. If the monkey fled to a nuclear power plant where Doctor Doom and terrorists were hiding out, there was more to all this than I ever imagined. It was time to talk to my former college roommate: Iron Man.
In My World: Women’s Work
President Bush took a moment’s break from stabbing a potato with a newly sharpened pencil to look up at his visitor. “Hey, good to see you, Snowman! Wow, you’re really are looking better after that illness. I mean, you look years younger. You grew breasts, though; you might want to have the doctors look into that. Maybe it’s a side effect of one of your medications.”
“I’m Dana Perino; I’ve been filling in for Tony Snow while he recuperating. Remember?”
Bush mulled that one over. “No. Not ringing a bell. I’m going to call you ‘Ari’ because it’s easier to remember. Whatcha need, Ari?”
“I just needed to know if you have any input before this next press conference.”
Bush thought about it. “No. I don’t really care about anything anymore… or what anyone does. Just say whatever you feel like, Ari. You could make stuff up; that would be fun. Oh, but make sure you make our contempt for the press clear.”
“Is there any new direction you want me to take when answering questions about global warming?”
“Well… summer is coming up, so tell the press that it’s supposed to warm so they aren’t surprised.”
Dana wrote that down. “That’s actually one of the more sensible things you told me.”
Bush laughed. “You have moxie. I think I’m now going to call you ‘White Condi.'”
“Harry Reid had some strong words on the war in Iraq,” the anchorman said. Video of Harry Reid giving a speech was then shown.
“We’ve lost in Iraq! It’s all over! We’re losers! The troops think they’re fighting, but all they’re doing is losing! And they deserve to lose, because they’re losers!”
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“When Vice President Dick Cheney criticized Senator Reid’s ‘defeatist’ attitude and accused him of demoralizing the troops, Senator Reid called Cheney an ‘attack dog,'” the anchorman said. “We go now live to a White House press conference.”
“I’d just like to reiterate the White House’s absolute contempt for you barely literate morons who ask me questions,” Dana Perino told the reporters. “On a personal note, I’m starting to believe that Tony Snow’s illness was simply his body protesting be subjected to such idiocy. Now, what are your questions?”
“The lights in here are too bright.” one reporter said.
Dana sighed. “That’s a statement, not a question.”
“What are the lights in here are too bright,” the reporter tried again.
“Go play in traffic,” Dana said. “Next question.”
“When Cheney found out he was called an ‘attack dog,’ he drove a car into Senator Reid’s living room and broke Reid’s kneecaps with a bat. Doesn’t that prove Senator Reid’s point?”
“Dogs can’t drive cars or wield bats, so no.”
“Senator Reid’s knees have been broken many times by this administration, and he’s now having a lot of trouble walking.”
“Again, that’s not a question. Furthermore, we don’t care. If Democrats like walking, they should be more concerned about not making Vice President Cheney angry. We’ve warned you before that Cheney is not a stable man and he doesn’t feel compassion or empathy.”
“Representative Dennis Kucinich recently issued articles for impeachment of Cheney. He seemed to dissappear right after, but later he was found standing on Cheney’s lawn in a blue coat and wearing a red pointy hat and he would not answer our questions. Do you know why?”
“Because lawn gnomes don’t talk. Any other questions?”
“With visionaries like Sheryl Crow concerned about global warming, shouldn’t the White House take a tougher stance?”
“Once again, I want to remind you that celebrities are exceptionally stupid people,” Dana said. “I know you reporters think they’re smart, but that’s because you are very dumb yourselves. This is an issue of science, and thus you should all stay away from it because there is no chance of you even understanding the slightest thing about it. Remember when I tried to explain a chart about greenhouse gases to you? Many of you started crying.”
“That’s because you yelled!”
“Five of you asked what carbon dioxide is at different point throughout the presentation. I thought maybe raising my voice would help you remember. It was useless, though. I don’t know who’s idea it was that the White House should regularly answer questions from people much dumber than the average American, but this is obviously a failed concept.”
“What is carbon dioxide?” a reporter asked. “I hear it’s dangerous.”
“Does Cheney make carbon dioxide?” another reporter asked. “If so, how does Halliburton profit off of it?”
A reporter ran forward. “Did the Bush Administration claim that Saddam had carbon dioxide so as to invade Iraq? Also, isn’t it true none was ever found?”
“You are all insults to the First Amendment,” Dana shouted. “I really hope you die soon in some horrible–”
“White Condi!” Bush yelled as he ran into the briefing room. “Have you seen the football?” He then noticed one of the reporters and immediately took off a shoe and started beating the reporter in the head with it. He turned back to Dana. “I recognized him from a zombie movie — or maybe it was CNN — so I decided I better beat him with my shoe. Now my foot is cold. Could I have one of your shoes?”
“No.”
“Then you’re mean!” He looked at the press. “Everyone be careful; I heard there was a carbon dioxide leak in the building.”
American Idol Season Yawn – Superfantastic Lifesaving Charity Event Top Six Night
Was painting while listening to this last night. Getting to Texas is much more important than American Idol. Season four? I might have taken a break. For Pennywise and Kiki’s breasts? Not so much. I did take the time to vote to help the children in Africa. After all, I was touched seeing Simon do all but cry. I’ll bet he even cried when the cameras weren’t on him. He has an image to uphold. But see, y’all? Told you he has a heart.
Oh, see, now I’m actually watching it, and I don’t want to. It’s too sad. SING! Too SAD!
01 Chris is singing “Change the World” by Clapton. It was understated and nice but a little too whiny and maybe too underwhelming. He looked good. RANDY: Yo, dawg, for the first time in a long time, you’re in it to win it. Fly jacket, too. Fly, fly. PAULA: Great song choice, I’m really proud of you, really exciting. SIMON: Competition really starts tonight. This kinda reminded me of the first time we saw you and said you had a lot of potential. Good vocal, much more soul, it was sexy. I think you did really well. SARAHK: I think they overpraised you a bit, but it was good.
Ryan said something about myspace, but I scoff at myspace. That’s right, I said it, I went there. I scoff!
I’m glad they’re not just focusing on Katrina victims in America. Remember back when there were other poor people in America besides Katrina victims? I’m glad they noted that for the people watching who don’t get that.
02 Melinda is singing “There Will Come a Day” by Faith Hill. Hmm, not one I ever would have expected sung on American Idol. Look, she’s back to modest, looks great. Her hair is fantastic. I LOVE the dress. I hope singing about faith doesn’t hurt her. Whoa, in the kitchen last night, this was really good, but honestly I had her fairly far behind Jordin, squarely in second place. Now she’s in a very close second, because wow. I just got chills, dawgs. That was amazing. I haven’t even been amazed by her recently, but whew! Yo. Her line was busy when I tried voting for her last night, BTW. RANDY: You’re the resident pro. You just so dope! I don’t even know what to say anymore, you have arrived! Melinda is here! PAULA: There’s no one like you! You’re magical! SIMON: You’re not going to look surprised, are you? Promise? What I loved was that it didn’t seem like a copycat performance, the second half of the song was outstanding, blah blah, great. SARAHK: Sorry, I lost track. We loved her, right? She was the stuff, yes? Yes. RYAN: Simon, did you lose a button? SARAHK: I believe what Ryan is trying to say is that he has no chest hair and would like to borrow some.
03 Blake says the biggest sacrifice he’s had to make is missing his family and friends. My answer to that question would have been so different. No offense to family and friends. “My biggest sacrifice competing here, in California, in American Idol is that they don’t let me carry my guns around to protect myself, and I have weak arms, but now that I’m famous, maybe someone will stalk me and I can get a permit.” So Blake is singing a song that Frank and I both spewed at the same time, “Ugh, I hate this song.” “Imagine” by John Lennon. I’m not such a fan of communism and songs about imagining that there’s no heaven and no religion and what a wonderful world it would be if we had no borders, no God, and yay! Communism! Have I vomited yet? Yuck. Anyway, so Blake has forever lost any chance of getting my vote by singing one of the stupidest songs ever written and pegging himself as a communist. Let me try to be objective. You know what I imagine when I imagine no countries? The EU. Not warm fuzzies you’re getting from me, Blake. NOT WARM FUZZIES! “I hope some day you’ll join us.” Hair is fine. Outfit is bland, beige is not his color, corduroy again? Can we try a different fabric? Beautiful tone in your voice, incredibly boring performance. RANDY: Great choice of song. Amazing, amazing song. SARAHK: You know it’s about communism, right? RANDY: On the performance side, dude, it was just kind of alright for me, dawg. It was just ok for me. Just keeping it real. PAULA: It was the first real sensitive, emotional performance we’ve seen from you, Blake, and that goes a long way. SARAHK: Not the first time he’s tried to be sensitive and emotional, and he failed at this. You know this is about communism, right? And you know that communism is evil, right? SIMON: This is tricky. You’ve chosen one of the big songs of all time. You felt sincere, but it didn’t really go anywhere. But I think the most important thing is that you were sincere, so good.
A New Day, Hope Springs Forth
First we hear about the possibility that Fred Thompson may run for president.
Then Sanjaya gets sent home on AI.
Now Rosie O’Doughnut is leaving “the View”.
It truly is morning in America once again.