President Bush took a moment’s break from stabbing a potato with a newly sharpened pencil to look up at his visitor. “Hey, good to see you, Snowman! Wow, you’re really are looking better after that illness. I mean, you look years younger. You grew breasts, though; you might want to have the doctors look into that. Maybe it’s a side effect of one of your medications.”
“I’m Dana Perino; I’ve been filling in for Tony Snow while he recuperating. Remember?”
Bush mulled that one over. “No. Not ringing a bell. I’m going to call you ‘Ari’ because it’s easier to remember. Whatcha need, Ari?”
“I just needed to know if you have any input before this next press conference.”
Bush thought about it. “No. I don’t really care about anything anymore… or what anyone does. Just say whatever you feel like, Ari. You could make stuff up; that would be fun. Oh, but make sure you make our contempt for the press clear.”
“Is there any new direction you want me to take when answering questions about global warming?”
“Well… summer is coming up, so tell the press that it’s supposed to warm so they aren’t surprised.”
Dana wrote that down. “That’s actually one of the more sensible things you told me.”
Bush laughed. “You have moxie. I think I’m now going to call you ‘White Condi.'”

“Harry Reid had some strong words on the war in Iraq,” the anchorman said. Video of Harry Reid giving a speech was then shown.
“We’ve lost in Iraq! It’s all over! We’re losers! The troops think they’re fighting, but all they’re doing is losing! And they deserve to lose, because they’re losers!”

“Remember when I tried to explain a chart about greenhouse gases to you? Many of you started crying.”

“When Vice President Dick Cheney criticized Senator Reid’s ‘defeatist’ attitude and accused him of demoralizing the troops, Senator Reid called Cheney an ‘attack dog,'” the anchorman said. “We go now live to a White House press conference.”
“I’d just like to reiterate the White House’s absolute contempt for you barely literate morons who ask me questions,” Dana Perino told the reporters. “On a personal note, I’m starting to believe that Tony Snow’s illness was simply his body protesting be subjected to such idiocy. Now, what are your questions?”
“The lights in here are too bright.” one reporter said.
Dana sighed. “That’s a statement, not a question.”
“What are the lights in here are too bright,” the reporter tried again.
“Go play in traffic,” Dana said. “Next question.”
“When Cheney found out he was called an ‘attack dog,’ he drove a car into Senator Reid’s living room and broke Reid’s kneecaps with a bat. Doesn’t that prove Senator Reid’s point?”
“Dogs can’t drive cars or wield bats, so no.”
“Senator Reid’s knees have been broken many times by this administration, and he’s now having a lot of trouble walking.”
“Again, that’s not a question. Furthermore, we don’t care. If Democrats like walking, they should be more concerned about not making Vice President Cheney angry. We’ve warned you before that Cheney is not a stable man and he doesn’t feel compassion or empathy.”
“Representative Dennis Kucinich recently issued articles for impeachment of Cheney. He seemed to dissappear right after, but later he was found standing on Cheney’s lawn in a blue coat and wearing a red pointy hat and he would not answer our questions. Do you know why?”
“Because lawn gnomes don’t talk. Any other questions?”
“With visionaries like Sheryl Crow concerned about global warming, shouldn’t the White House take a tougher stance?”
“Once again, I want to remind you that celebrities are exceptionally stupid people,” Dana said. “I know you reporters think they’re smart, but that’s because you are very dumb yourselves. This is an issue of science, and thus you should all stay away from it because there is no chance of you even understanding the slightest thing about it. Remember when I tried to explain a chart about greenhouse gases to you? Many of you started crying.”
“That’s because you yelled!”
“Five of you asked what carbon dioxide is at different point throughout the presentation. I thought maybe raising my voice would help you remember. It was useless, though. I don’t know who’s idea it was that the White House should regularly answer questions from people much dumber than the average American, but this is obviously a failed concept.”
“What is carbon dioxide?” a reporter asked. “I hear it’s dangerous.”
“Does Cheney make carbon dioxide?” another reporter asked. “If so, how does Halliburton profit off of it?”
A reporter ran forward. “Did the Bush Administration claim that Saddam had carbon dioxide so as to invade Iraq? Also, isn’t it true none was ever found?”
“You are all insults to the First Amendment,” Dana shouted. “I really hope you die soon in some horrible–”
“White Condi!” Bush yelled as he ran into the briefing room. “Have you seen the football?” He then noticed one of the reporters and immediately took off a shoe and started beating the reporter in the head with it. He turned back to Dana. “I recognized him from a zombie movie — or maybe it was CNN — so I decided I better beat him with my shoe. Now my foot is cold. Could I have one of your shoes?”
“No.”
“Then you’re mean!” He looked at the press. “Everyone be careful; I heard there was a carbon dioxide leak in the building.”