So here we are in shark-infested waters. Many sharks have been successfully hurdled this season. We’ve chopped off arms (wait, didn’t we already do that in the season finale of season three?), only to have the chopped off arms get lots of salt in the open wounds when the tide washed in (ouchie!). President Waynewreck got his presidency back just in time to become an adrenaline addict so he could successfully launch an attack on an unnamed Middle Eastern country. I think it’s Pakistan (no offense, Pakistan, it’s just my theory, get mad at the writers who won’t name the fictional country, k?). Frank thinks it’s Iran. Would that it were so, but see, the West turns into a big giant weenie when it comes to Iran. Hopefully not for long. Well then. You know how I feel about the subject of “should we stick it to Ahmadinejad?”.
Ooh. Waynewreck’s hand is shaking.
How convenient! Unnamed Middle Eastern Country’s ambassador has suddenly (after our launch, and at two minutes to impact) uncovered “new” information about the attacks on our country. What?? They’ve been withholding info from us? Inconceivable!
UMEC’s ambassador just said “For G-d’s sake”, not anything about Allah. How’d he become ambassador for UMEC?
Waynewreck says he’ll abort the missile, but UMEC’s ambassador better get over there like now and hold his hand for the rest of the day until the crisis is over.
Paging Dr. House: Everyone on 24 this season has developed Whispering Disease, also known as Bauer Mouth Syndrome. It appears to be contagious and travels through phone lines, as talking on the telly with Jack Bauer is the most common cause. Symptoms include but are not limited to:
Chronic whispering even when enclosed in underground bunkers where no one can hear you (I promise)
Annoying, Dangerously Stupid Female Relative Syndrome
Chronic scowling
Keeping important details to yourself until after the top of the hour and then revealing them in a dramatic whisper before walking or running out of the room
Making wrong wrong wrong decisions involving national security (this is a repeating symptom and should be controlled with medically induced comas and/or accidental death)
Archive of entries posted on 9th April 2007
MKH on the Misogyny of the Left
Mary Katharine Ham is the one female blogger SarahK allows me to refer to as “adorable” (other than SarahK, of course). She really held her own on CNN’s Reliable Sources, so go read what she has to say about the vicious attacks conservative women get and see the video of her CNN appearance.
I believe she’s still single, so you can fawn over her instead of my wife. She’s totally fatwaworthy.
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
The monkey cages mysteriously burned down last night.
The police took me in for questioning. I gave them the usual answers:
“I was fast asleep.”
“I honestly don’t know how a steel cage could burn down either.”
“No, I love all simians.”
“I don’t even know what a blog is. It must be some other Frank J.”
“I’ll give you my gun if you give me yours.”
After three hours of this, they let me go. They had nothing.
I thought I had gotten away scot-free, but there, waiting outside my home, was Aquaman.
“Well, hello, Mr. Curry.” I placed my hand in my pocket for the reassuring touch of my gun. “Justice League not keeping you busy?”
Aquaman had seen better days; from the looks of him, he still hadn’t mentally recovered from the incident at Tuscon. He was five days overdue for a shave and two months behind on his haircut. Instead of his usual orange and green, he was in street clothes — a leather jacket and jeans. There was nothing to him that suggested he was the former king of Atlantis other than eyes that portrayed a sharp intellect. “You say you were sleeping when the fire broke out, but the fish in the penguin sanctuary tell a different story.”
I forced a laugh. “Why don’t you give me a call when the courts start accepting the testimony of tuna, then.” I walked past him into my house and slammed the door behind me. No matter what I did, Aquaman was always there trying to ruin things for me.
The operative word is “trying.”
Note to Self: Next time, poison any nearby fish.
Frank Advice on Ridiculing Americans
Jonah Goldberg angered the Europeans, and one sent him an angry letter including two American jokes to show just how much contempt he has for us:
1. They warned Columbus that if he sailed out too far to the west it would lead to disaster. Well, he did. And it has!
2. American: “I feel very lucky that I don’t live in Europe.”
European: “Me too!. I also feel very lucky that you don’t live in Europe.”
Oy. That’s so pathetic it makes you feel bad for ever making fun of Europeans.
Let’s look at this analytically. The subject hates Americans, so he wanted to ridicule us. So what did he ridicule? The fact that Europeans don’t like Americans. Really, we’ve been around over two hundred years, and that’s the best they have on us?
For ridicule to sting, it has to hit on a sensitive subject, and the fact that a few Europeans don’t like us certainly doesn’t count. For good ridicule, the first question is what is the common wisdom about Americans (NOTE: None of this is necessarily true, it’s just the perception):
* We’re violent and warmongering
* We’re ignorant of other countries; none of us owns a passport
* We have a vapid culture and make low quality crap (Budweiser, McDonalds)
* We’re stupid
There’s more, but that’s plenty to work with. Let’s try and make some jokes.
Q. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 200,000. That’s how many it takes to invade Iraq when the Americans link the light bulb going out with Saddam.
Heard of the well-traveled American? He’s been to Mexico and Canada.
The American culture will be around forever since American cheese can survive a nuclear blast.
Well, that’s the best I could come up with in a couple minutes’ time. Not so great, but I’d say better than that of the European who actually hates America. Thus, it was good enough for this exercise.
Now, one other factor to ridicule is that it matters who is doing the ridiculing. The ridiculee must have some respect for the ridiculer for the joke to sting. That’s why, no matter how clever most Europeans may be, it’s unlikely they’ll be able to come up with a joke that will actually make an American mad. One of our stereotypes — that we don’t care what other countries think — actually makes ridiculing us all the harder.
UPDATE:
BTW, try and come up with some good American jokes in the comments. I know you can top mine.
What Do Right-Wingers Think?
We think lots!
John Hawkins has a new Rightosphere Temperature Check where he pulled conservative bloggers on a number of different issues such abortion, immigration, and evolution. Check it out.
Fatwaworthy
I think when self proclaimed Radical Islamists are using Seinfeldisms there’s something fundamentally screwy going on.
Are you fatwaworthy?
I sincerely hope you are. I have to admit I’m upset we didn’t make the list, but the guy who posts the list is a new minted blogger, so he may not be aware of us yet.
UK Readers, Back Me Up On This One
I saw this picture of Nancy Pelosi, and wondered what she was doing with her left hand:

At first I thought she was trying to hide her Muslim-offending hair because she was embarrassed about being seen in public without her silky dishrag of subservience.
Too innocent of an explanation. Believing that would be as crazy as believing that fire could melt steel.
So maybe Nancy’s giving a clandestine Victory sign to her terrorist buddies?
More likely, but Victory signs are palm-outward.
Therefore, my conclusion is that she’s giving a big, British F-U to the troops, the President, and every American who thinks licking terrorist boots is a stupid idea.
I’m going with that one.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
If you took Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, Optimus Prime, a .50 caliber Desert Eagle, a samurai sword, nachos, the lobby scene from the move Matrix, the computer game Doom, and a DVD set of the complete A-Team series and somehow took all their awesomeness and compressed into one thing, you’d still only have something half as awesome as what Fred Thompson flushes down the toilet after taking a crap.
Former Hostage, Iran, 1979
UPDATED
Commenter FormerHostage wrote a response to my question. Given his first hand experience of the 444 days Americans were held hostage by Iranian radicals from November 4th, 1979, to January 20th, 1981, I think everyone should give this a read:
As my screenname indicates, I can speak with Complete Moral Authority ™ on this issue.
On the day of the takeover, the Marines were outnumbered at least 1000 to 1. We held the consulate and the communications vault for over 12 hours, helping to destroy equipment and classified material. We were under STRICT orders not to fire our weapons or pop gas grenades (too late for that last one..hee, hee, hee). We were eventually told that we were on or own and to make a break for it. The monkeys even put one of the diplomats in front of the comm vault peep eye with a pistol to their head and threatened to kill them unless the door was opened. It wasn’t and they didn’t. Once all the material was destroyed the doors were opened and they all got the crap beat out of them.
When we were first taken, the Iranians took us into a room individually and asked us to sign a statement denouncing the US policy in Iran, Israel, the Shah, etc. The Marines signed with names such as Michael Mouse, Chesty Puller, Dan Daly (google the last two…Marine Corps legends), Harry Butz, etc.
During the ordeal they would try to tape us for propaganda purposes. Personally, I would keep looking down to the ground or hide behind others so that my face wouldn’t show (in fact, after a couple of months of not seeing me in any of the videos my records I was classified as MIA). Another Marine and I shared the same cell and when they came in with cameras we’d strip down. I heard a rumor that one of the other Marines smeared ketchup on his face and started howling.
They day before they released us, we were taken to a room with a camera and Mary the Terrorist who was going to interview us. We were threatened that if we didn’t say the right things we wouldn’t be released. Some Marines gave only name rank and SSN, others sang (Marine Corps Hymn or God Bless America), others just said nothing.
On the day they let us go, I was being herded towards the airplane by a couple of those monkeys. I pulled my arm out of their grasp and let them know that “We’re number one”…but used the wrong finger.
For our troubles we were isolated, thumped, went through two mock executions, starved, threatened, and had to put up with useful idiots from Amnesty International showing up just to let the world know how humane we were being treated.
We resisted at each opportunity, except for Army Sgt Joe Subic who collaborated from day 1 and was later snubbed by the rest of us (and was the only one not to receive a citation). We refused to cooperate, stole keys, plugged toilets, pissed in their rations, blew circuit breakers, laughed in their face when they threatened us and cursed them when they beat us. Steve Kirtley even told one of them to pull his finger! The monkey did and Steve was beaten for the inevitable result.
We did this because we were first and foremost, MARINES! Our honor and loyalty to the United States gave us the courage. We would rather die (and that was a definite possibility) than to shame ourselves, our Corps, or our Country. We had to live up to our history and got to measure ourselves and our actions against those of greater men.
Yes, we broke now and then. But would immediately pick ourselves back up and go back to fighting. Which, by the way, confused the hell out of the monkeys!
Pity the poor Brits. All they had was the history of the E.U. and the U.N. as examples.
Semper Fi
UPDATE:
Former Hostage adds some background:
Originally this was nothing more than a blog comment, but then FrankJ stroked my…ego…and asked if he could post it. Well, we all crave attention (right Rupta?) and other than that embarrassing profile at classmates.com I’d never been “published” before so I said OK. There’s a couple of things I wish I had put in or made clearer. (FYI WAL, I use “monkeys” because the other terms we used wouldn’t make it through the naughty word filter…and monkeys are creepy)
First off, thanks for the comments and don’t feed the troll.
Second, none of us thought that we had done anything special. That’s the one thing non-military types have some trouble understanding. Personally, I was (am?) very uncomfortable with the “hero” tag that the press put on us. We did what we had to do, what we were trained to do. It was just something that Marines do.
Third, when the fecal matter hits the oscillating cooling device, you fall back to training.
The Marines have the longest boot camp of US forces, 13 weeks for enlisted. Officers have OCS, which in the Corps is the equivalent of boot camp, and lasts from 12 to 13 weeks depending on what program you commissioned on (glutton for punishment that I am, I earned a commission so endured both Boot Camp and, 10 years later, OCS and I can say from experience that even without the extra 10 years OCS was harder). After that, officers get to spend another 14 weeks at The Basic School (TBS) in Quantico where they get a taste of combined combat arms and do everything from assaulting a beach in AAAVs (sucked) to blowing up stuff with C4 (didn’t suck). The Marines also still do not have co-ed training until advanced schools. It’s not that women are better or worse, just different in size and strength. HOWEVER, their training matches a male’s step for ever lovin’ godmyfeetarekillingmewhenisthisgonnaend step.
There’s no way to completely match the stress of combat…but the DIs come realllllly close. In the late 70’s there was a great hue and cry from some people coughdemocratscough about the barbarity of Marine boot camp. But it is this stress that prepared us for the confinement. If I could put up with 13 weeks of Drill Instructor SSgt Laird in my face, then nothing short of bullets flying would rattle me.
The training is also not all physical. In fact, you’d be surprised at how much time is spent in the classroom learning everything from basic hygiene and first aid, to squad tactics, to the nomenclature of T/O weapons (I can still field strip an M16 and damned if I can’t put most in the 10 ring with a 9mm), to History and Traditions.
Finally, History and Traditions. This is one advantage every Marine has. As an average American (pre-pc) we were raised on black and white war movies (“Sarge! You! Scared?” “Sure kid, a man’d have to be crazy not to be scared”) and legends: Crossing the Delaware, Gettysburg, the Alamo, the Battle of the Bulge. On top of this Marines have our own history: the Halls of Montezuma, shores of Tripoli, Bella Woods, Tarawa, Iwo Jima, Khe Sahn (and more recently Fahluja).
We didn’t feel that we did anything special…because we hadn’t. We had acted like we were trained to act, as we were expected to act, as those who went before us had acted.
The Marines always celebrate the Marine Corps birthday (November 10th) no matter where they are. One of the traditions is the cutting of the cake with a sword. The first piece is presented to the oldest Marine present (active or retired) who then presents it to the youngest Marine present to symbolize the passing of knowledge and traditions from one generation to the next. I always thought this was way cool. It bonds us in ways that are hard to explain. A few weeks ago our financial advisor asked us out to dinner, something she does with all new clients. My wife and I said yes but were a little uncomfortable because we really didn’t know her personally and would be meeting her husband for the first time. Turns out he was a former jarhead and by the end of the night we were all jokin’ and smokin’ as if we’d grown up together.
It’s just something Marines do.
