So here we are in shark-infested waters. Many sharks have been successfully hurdled this season. We’ve chopped off arms (wait, didn’t we already do that in the season finale of season three?), only to have the chopped off arms get lots of salt in the open wounds when the tide washed in (ouchie!). President Waynewreck got his presidency back just in time to become an adrenaline addict so he could successfully launch an attack on an unnamed Middle Eastern country. I think it’s Pakistan (no offense, Pakistan, it’s just my theory, get mad at the writers who won’t name the fictional country, k?). Frank thinks it’s Iran. Would that it were so, but see, the West turns into a big giant weenie when it comes to Iran. Hopefully not for long. Well then. You know how I feel about the subject of “should we stick it to Ahmadinejad?”.
Ooh. Waynewreck’s hand is shaking.
How convenient! Unnamed Middle Eastern Country’s ambassador has suddenly (after our launch, and at two minutes to impact) uncovered “new” information about the attacks on our country. What?? They’ve been withholding info from us? Inconceivable!
UMEC’s ambassador just said “For G-d’s sake”, not anything about Allah. How’d he become ambassador for UMEC?
Waynewreck says he’ll abort the missile, but UMEC’s ambassador better get over there like now and hold his hand for the rest of the day until the crisis is over.
Paging Dr. House: Everyone on 24 this season has developed Whispering Disease, also known as Bauer Mouth Syndrome. It appears to be contagious and travels through phone lines, as talking on the telly with Jack Bauer is the most common cause. Symptoms include but are not limited to:
Chronic whispering even when enclosed in underground bunkers where no one can hear you (I promise)
Annoying, Dangerously Stupid Female Relative Syndrome
Chronic scowling
Keeping important details to yourself until after the top of the hour and then revealing them in a dramatic whisper before walking or running out of the room
Making wrong wrong wrong decisions involving national security (this is a repeating symptom and should be controlled with medically induced comas and/or accidental death)

Turns out the missile was a whole bluff. What?? A weenie president played a nuclear bluff with a UMEC? What a moron. That could have bitten the entire country on the butt. IDIOT.
Jack tells Fayed he hasn’t even begun to have fun with beating the snot (and blood) out of him. Jack tells Doilie it isn’t working (in a remarkably LOUD whisper in Fayed’s earshot) and takes a call from the needle torture guy while Doyle tries to manipulate bin Diesel. Well it just doesn’t work! I say WATERBOARD HIM! That’s right, and I’m not kidding. I guess you know where I stand on that. Ah yes, I’m all nice and relaxed today. I got a massage. Anyway, I don’t much care for terrorists. Heartless beasts. Are they doing the good/bad cop thing with bin Diesel? BD’s eyes get big when he hears that the needle torture guy is coming, and Jack tells him oh yeah, now we’re gonna have some fun. Good, because I haven’t had fun since you killed Curtis.
Too bad this isn’t a videogame. Waynewreck could just smash through some barrels with his sword and get some more health to cure those shaky hands.
What? A prisoner transfer gone bad on 24? A shootout? Is this the one that’s gonna make us like Nurse Doilie? Uh oh. Both Doyle and Jack are down. And bin Diesel is being taken away in an armored truck, which is much more secure than that van the prisoner was being transferred in. They didn’t check to see that they were dead? No head shots? That’s not a very good extraction.
Because it’s not an extraction at all! It’s a fakeout! Woo. I might have been faked out if they hadn’t shot the show lead and the one they’re reportedly bringing in to be the new show lead. And if they weren’t transferring the most important prisoner with just two people and a van. Where have all the suburbans gone?
It is sad when the POTUS doesn’t even know proper English. “Myself” does not take the place of the pronoun “me” unless you are the subject of the sentence and the object of the prepositional phrase, in which case you use “myself” as the object of the prepositional phrase. There may be other usages, but you may certainly not say such things as “You are on the phone with Tom Lennox and myself.” That is not acceptable. Proper English is: “You are on the phone with Tom Lennox and me.” Learn proper usage before you run for election, okay? You’re a disgrace to the office and to the English language.
(NOTE: Before you start correcting my English in the comments or nitpicking me, know this: I am allowed to use improper English, because I know what is right and what is wrong. Like totally.)
Oh good. Now Milo gets to act like a complete jerk about Nadia (Yassir) instead of about Chloe. Because we didn’t already have this plotline this season.
The conversation Habib had with bin Diesel… you think there were code words used in the convo to tip bin Diesel off that this was not a kosher phone call? I think so. Like “we should have sent Samir in your place” means “There was construction on the highway. Take the surface streets.” Or whatever the phrase is. Forty-seven of you catch my drift.
I’m so smart. Turns out Nadia (Yassir) is smart too. Habib was telling bin Diesel that he was in a FLANK TWO POSITION! And bin Diesel now has a trash truck, and Jack’s hanging from the bottom in a flank two position. They are taking the surface streets. Whatever you do, Jack, don’t push on the back of that truck.
That show Drive looks like I might not enjoy it… but it has Nathan Fillion. Which negates the not-enjoyability factor.
Waynewreck… has he considered asking for VPOTT’s resignation and appointing a new one just in case he kicks off soon? Not that VPOTT would resign even if asked, but… appoint anyone else that might end up president! Except Shrilly McMr F. That’s who she reminds me of. A certain shrill presidential candidate.
What? Bin Diesel is going to take down downtown LA? I can’t believe terrorists would consider attacking that city on this show.
Ouch, that guy is going to have such a neck-ache in the morning. I hope he has a good massage therapist.
Well that’s one way to do it, just go in and start shooting people. I might consider liking Jack again after that shootout and the whole “Say hello to your brother” thing.
And the bombs are secure. And it’s only 10 p.m. and it started at what? 7 a.m.? I just asked Frank what time it started so I know we still have several episodes to go and a whole new plot. I’m having warm fuzzies about Jack killing lots of terrorists, and I think I could like him someday.
But then Audrey calls to talk about their relationship and ruins the whole thing.
Next week, more relationship talks, and Mr. Chang, whom Jack hates passionately, and hahahahaha, Waynewreck takes my advice and asks for VPOTT’s resignation, and VPOTT refuses — who could write this show? Who? Me. And Jack FINALLY tells a Palmer, “You owe me.” Duh.