This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
After my meeting with Iron Man, I decided I couldn’t rely on the superhero community. I’d just keep my eyes open and continue on as business as usual. I was still waiting on the Justice League to do another decision on nuking the moon, so I started working on a new project: A computer program that could automatically blog humorous political observation for me by simply Googling today’s new stories. It’s an advanced project, but only I have the humor expertise to see it through.
I was interrupted, though, by a call today from my sister in Hollywood. Apparently a major studio had decided to go ahead on my movie idea entitled Ninja Nixon. It’s a reimagining of Nixon’s visit to China with Nixon as a ninja out for revenge. The current tagline is “He’s not a crook… but he is a deadly assassin.” It’s quite a high-concept film, and I’m surprised a major studio approved it.
I told my sister to get in talks with Chow Yun-Fat for the title roll and she told me that she’s a costume designer and that isn’t her job and I told her I don’t care for excuses and hung up the phone. “My dear wife,” I told the harpy watching The View, “do you think we should go to Hollywood to make sure they don’t screw up my movie? If done right, the ideas expressed in this film could change the world.”
“I don’t like California because everyone is weird there and they don’t let you have guns,” she said. “I shoot people who don’t let me have guns.”
“Well, I guess I’ll just pass on my ideas to them, then. Who do you think should play Nixon’s wacky sidekick Henry Kissinger?”
“Um… Bruce Willis.”
I wrote that down. “Good idea. If this movie doesn’t sweep the Academy Awards, such vengeance shall I wreak upon them.”
The doorbell rang, and the dog growled and snarled so much you’d think it was Mexican out there. I opened the door and it was Lieutenant Caine from Miami. “Aww… did you lose your friend,” I laughed in his face.
He took off his sunglasses. “I know your involved with the disappearance of Arthur Curry.”
“Then, when you find his mutilated corpse, can you take a picture so I can frame my work and put it on my office wall?”
He didn’t react. “In a building by the docks where we believe Arthur disappeared, we found sand like substance. Spectral analysis showed us it was actually ground up sea shells we traced to a business in Melbourne. While looking through their customer database, we got an anonymous phone call from someone saying he saw you leaving the docks laughing manically about how you killed Aquaman.”
“In other words, you’ve got jack. Well, keep me updated on your case.” I slammed the door on him.
“Hey, where are my sunglasses!” I heard him yell from outside as I used some tape to put a new pair of sunglasses on the dog. “It’s a felony to take an officer’s sun glasses!”
“I hate these distractions,” I told my wife. “I’m going to work on movie ideas. If you see Dr. Doom, attacking the country, give me a holler.”
Archive of entries posted on 30th April 2007
The Morale We SHOULD Be Undercutting
Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple was contemplating how the Democrats are the new Tokyo Rose because they’re hitting the same three themes that the Japanese used in their propaganda, namely:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war.
I’m not sure about #2, but after a little research, I discovered that there was also a fourth theme – which the Democrats aren’t using yet, but it won’t surprise me when they do – which I’ll call for the sake of decorum “Your wife isn’t lonely“.
Which got me thinking… maybe we should start working on demoralizing the terrorists:
First Democrat that promises to leaflet Baghdad with this gets my vote.
Aquaman Reviews Comics
Hey, dickweeds. I’m a busy superhero, but I try to take time out of my day to follow what the other superheroes are doing. Thus, I thought I’d give you the benefit of a superhero’s opinion on superhero comics.
AQUAMAN COMIC REVIEWS
All-Star Superman #7 – I know a lot of people are raving about this series, but I had trouble following this one. Bizzaros attack from… somewhere… and then Superman saves everybody and puts them on… something. Then Superman goes to the Bizzaro home world and does… something to it. The art could be clearer. Also, how could Superman lose his powers in the end when this series started with him getting supercharged by the sun to point he’s dying (like that bastard could ever die)? I really just want more of Superman flying around punching things and shooting things with his eyes, because, really, that’s all he’s good for. I rate this one a scorpionfish.
By the way, make sure to lobby DC Comics so I get my own All-Star series. They better just make sure they get someone who can write more than one comic a year… unlike Frank Miller (with writing dialog for Batman like “Are you retarded or something?” you can see why it takes him so long).
Detective Comics #831 – Yet another comic of Batman dealing with threats that would only take up one panel in a comic if I were dealing with them. This time he has to deal with two women: One who knows how to do cartwheels (Harley Quinn) and one who has a puppet (the new Ventriloquist). I guess if your main weapon is a boomerang shaped like a bat, you’ll stick to enemies who could actually be defeated with said weapon. Really, why is Batman so popular? What problem ever called for a guy in bat suit armed with a boomerang?
Anyway, this comic has “character development” and “emotional content” if for some reason you read comics for that. I rate it a redtail catfish.
Punisher War Journal #6 – Like Batman, the Punisher has no super powers. The difference is that he’s smart enough to carry guns. Then again, he hasn’t fired one for like three issues. Still, this one could be the setup for an interesting story. Some masked villain is killing people to cause hatred on the American/Mexican border… and I don’t think he’s Tom Tancredo. So, the Punisher is heading to Mexico to “shoot him in the face.” He’s also supposed to don a Captain America like costume starting the next issue (he picked up Captain America’s mask when Captain America surrendered in the Marvel Civil War), and, frankly, isn’t someone with a huge arsenal of firearms a much better representation of America than some guy with an overgrown discus? It’s promising, so I rate it an orange roughy.
There was once a comic special in which the Punisher took on everyone in the Marvel universe. I think that would be a great idea with me: Aquaman vs. the DC Universe. Not sure what my motivation would be to kill everyone, but that would be a pretty awesome comic.
Amazing Spider-Man #539 – I’m a bit late on this one, but they’re more than a bit late on the follow ups. Anyway, with being hunted by the government and his aunt getting shot, Spider-Man has finally decided to man up and beat the crap out of everyone. Spider-Man always seemed like a little wuss to me, so it’s good to see him drop the stupid wisecracks and just start punching people. The return to the black suit is a bit gimmicky, but I liked this comic. I actually starting to believe MJ isn’t a beard. I rate it a nurse shark.
Iron Man #16 – Boring. Now that Iron Man is the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., apparently he has a lot of executive duties and not as much time blowing the crap out of stuff. If the main character of the comic has an armored suit that fires lasers, I expect more explosions and less status meetings (“Drafting a mission statement is no problem for the Invincible Iron-Man!”). Maybe the comic will get more interesting with the return of Iron Man’s arch-nemesis: The Ten-Ringed Chinaman! I rate this comic a short-finned eel.
Avengers: The Initiative #1 – Neat idea, at least. Now that all people with super powers have to be registered, the American government is putting together a superhero team for each of the fifty states. The new recruits this focuses on don’t seem that great so far; one actually has magical gas-riding powers. Also, I’m not sure how long this “The Initiative” Marvel gimmick is going to last. I rate this a California halibut.
Just so you know, if the government ever tried to force me to do anything, the terror I’d unleash on the shores would be unimaginable. All this living underwater has given me a bit of a libertarian streak.
Uncanny X-Men #485 – The current story line is called “The Rise and Fall of the Shi’ar Empire,” but a better name would be “A Bunch of Third-Tier X-Men No One Cares About Fighting Villains No One Cares About in Galaxy a Trillion Miles Away from Anything Anyone Cares About (Part 11 of 12).” The only way this series could redeem itself is if everyone dies in the last issue (including the current writer and penciler). I rate this a sea cucumber. (FUN FACT: I don’t know if I can command a sea cucumber because I’ve never been bored enough to try)
Aquaman #50 & #51 – This usually would be the main event, but the comic is still stuck on the “New Aquaman.” I’m left as the “Dweller of the Depths” who is a cross between Merlin and Davy Jones from the recent Pirate of the Caribbean movie. Luckily, they had the mercy to kill me off at the end of issue #50. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, and the Flash all came for my underwater funeral at the beginning of #51 (and Superman did wear a rebreather because, as I keep telling you, he cannot breathe underwater). I wouldn’t worry too much because I’ve been around since the forties and you can’t kill me off for good. I’m hoping I soon resurrect back in my normal form (including losing that stupid magical water hand for a regular punching hand). If that doesn’t happen soon, all the more reason you should all be writing letters to DC Comics for me to get my own All-Star comic.
Anyway, as for the story, there’s too much of it. The new writer is some scifi novelist named Tad Williams and he likes to write and write and write. I wish that was the worst of it, but the current artist draws everything in the comic so cartoony you expect Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck to join the adventure. Who makes an evil being that feeds off pain appear cute? Really, they need to bring me back to normal and have this new Aquaman be the new Aqualad (he can’t really command sea life yet, but maybe I can teach him). I rate the current comics a goldfish.
That’s all for now. You should know that the DC Comics and Marvel Comics big summer events are starting. For DC, it’s Amazons Attack, where the Amazons attack America in full force. Really, though, if the combined might of the superhero community and the US military can’t take on a bunch of chicks with spears, then America doesn’t deserve to exist. For Marvel, they have World War Hulk where Hulk returns to Earth to get vengeance on all the superheroes who did him wrong. Good luck to him.
You can write your opinion on the comics you’re reading in the comment section. I’m busy, so I probably won’t read any of what you write. Also, I don’t like any of you.
Why Again Did FOX News Want This?
The Democrat Presidential Primary Debate was pretty boring, so boring I don’t think any of the left-wing blogs even bothered to write about it with all the things they still have to say about Alberto Gonzales. Maybe the debate could be more interesting with some better questions, so here’s what I cam up with:
FRANK QUESTIONS FOR A DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY DEBATE
“With President Bush out of office in 2009, do you expect the Democrats to lose focus by not having an enemy to rally against?”
“Would someone like to cede time so we can all point and laugh at Kucinich?”
“John Edwards, how badly did your mother want a girl?”
“When the terrorists attack again, under what object of furniture do you plan to hide?”
“Will one of you have the courage to stand up to the Netroots and tell them it’s unhealthy to eat their own feces?”
“Senator Hillary Clinton, on the campaign trail, people are afraid to allow you to kiss their babies out of fear you may eat them. Is this a valid fear?”
“What do you think is more important: To lose the war quickly or decisively?”
“Do you think Americans are deluded enough to think the country would be safe in the hands of you dinguses? If not, what steps do you plan to take in this campaign to make the American people forget about important issues?”
“Do any of you have penises?”
Half-picture of Harvey alert! Half-picture of Harvey alert!
You’ll never get to see almost-Harvey again, people! So head over to Tammi’s before Harvey finds out and makes her take it down! Quickly now…
Oh, and welcome home, T1G.