Jonah Goldberg angered the Europeans, and one sent him an angry letter including two American jokes to show just how much contempt he has for us:
1. They warned Columbus that if he sailed out too far to the west it would lead to disaster. Well, he did. And it has!
2. American: “I feel very lucky that I don’t live in Europe.”
European: “Me too!. I also feel very lucky that you don’t live in Europe.”
Oy. That’s so pathetic it makes you feel bad for ever making fun of Europeans.
Let’s look at this analytically. The subject hates Americans, so he wanted to ridicule us. So what did he ridicule? The fact that Europeans don’t like Americans. Really, we’ve been around over two hundred years, and that’s the best they have on us?
For ridicule to sting, it has to hit on a sensitive subject, and the fact that a few Europeans don’t like us certainly doesn’t count. For good ridicule, the first question is what is the common wisdom about Americans (NOTE: None of this is necessarily true, it’s just the perception):
* We’re violent and warmongering
* We’re ignorant of other countries; none of us owns a passport
* We have a vapid culture and make low quality crap (Budweiser, McDonalds)
* We’re stupid
There’s more, but that’s plenty to work with. Let’s try and make some jokes.
Q. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 200,000. That’s how many it takes to invade Iraq when the Americans link the light bulb going out with Saddam.
Heard of the well-traveled American? He’s been to Mexico and Canada.
The American culture will be around forever since American cheese can survive a nuclear blast.
Well, that’s the best I could come up with in a couple minutes’ time. Not so great, but I’d say better than that of the European who actually hates America. Thus, it was good enough for this exercise.
Now, one other factor to ridicule is that it matters who is doing the ridiculing. The ridiculee must have some respect for the ridiculer for the joke to sting. That’s why, no matter how clever most Europeans may be, it’s unlikely they’ll be able to come up with a joke that will actually make an American mad. One of our stereotypes — that we don’t care what other countries think — actually makes ridiculing us all the harder.
UPDATE:
BTW, try and come up with some good American jokes in the comments. I know you can top mine.
Well done Frank. Let those perishable cheese-eating surrender monkeys marvel at your comic wit.
Wouldn’t Americans just pay Mexicans to replace the light bulb?
The part about respecting the opinion of the one offering the ridicule is right on. My wife talks about taking a vacation to France and I tell her I have no desire to vacation in the third world. As far as I am concerend the USA is first world, England second world and the rest of them are third world at best.
I recall someone sent me an email with the military history of France. It pointed out that the only military success France ever had was when Napooleon was in charge, and he was not French, but Corsican (I believe).
Jokes aside (how can you tell an American from a European? He’s the one who uses deoderant and toilet paper!), we need to avoid trivializing this…
Islam is taking over the socialist parties in western Europe. Athiests won’t have any reason to resist growing beards and killing Jews and Christians.
We need another answer beyond the leftist crap spewed by Howard Dean’s party and the warmed over appeasement compost offered by current Republican leaders like Dubya, Specter, McCain, and the like…
Q: How many Americans are responsible for the world’s problems?
A: One. BUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!!!!!
American #1: I wish the world hated us
American #2: Why?
American #1: So they would stop immigrating here.
Just a note on the Obama vs. Hillary ad…
Is for them to wrestle? Wearing leotards and Batman masks? With the midget from “The Amazing Race” spraying them with whip cream?
American jokes are easy, take your favorite fat joke, substitute american for yo momma and you are done. (works even better with germans)
Heard of the well-traveled American? He’s been to Mexico and Canada
Actually, this points up an important difference between the United States and those stinky little countries in Europe. Paris to Rome is less than 700 miles. You probably pass through Switzerland on the way. Three countries, 700 miles, and that’s not an extreme case at all. Los Angeles to Vancouver, on the other hand, is nearly 1,100 miles. If you’re in St. Louis, more or less in the center of the 48 contiguous states, it’s 650 miles to Toronto (probably the closest Canadian city of any size), more than 1,000 miles to Juarez, and more than 1,400 miles to Juarez.
What is the difference between Vichy France and Chirac France?
About sixty years.
more than 1,000 miles to Juarez, and more than 1,400 miles to Juarez.
That should have been “more than 1,400 miles to Mexico City.”
Here is an American joke for you:
Q: Who invades a country without international support, a plan to do so, a competent president, an able military, or public support?
A: That nation that can do the same to you as it pleases: AMERICA
The funniest American joke is that we still allow Canada to remain independent. It is time to mobilize the North Dakota National Guard and the Knights of Columbus to deal with this matter once and for all. To Ottawa!!! (we’ll be back in time for dinner). Speaking of North Dakota, we’ve all heard Frog jokes, but believe it or not, there are a couple of German jokes out there too.
Q. Why do Germans have such large heads?
A. So there is enough room for the mouth.
Q. What do the study of philosophy and the steppes of Russia have in common?
A. Both of them are cold, desolate places frequently invaded by Germans.
Sanjay, what are you doing here? I told you to go do my laundry!
BTW, I ate your god medium rare.
Q: Why did the American cross the road?
A: He was surveilling the chicken without a warrant.
And that is about as much effort as I’m willing to put into it.
Why do american kids do so poorly in math?
They can only count as high as the number of bullets in their clips.
DC to San Diego is Paris to Smolensk.
And we speak (mostly) the same language.
Advantage: USA! USA! USA!
“The funniest American joke is that we still allow Canada to remain independent. It is time to mobilize the North Dakota National Guard and the Knights of Columbus to deal with this matter once and for all.”
Huh? Why would you need to Guard, too?
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,
“You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your ‘automobiles’ on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
What do you call a person that speaks 3 or more languages? Multilingual
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages? Bilingual
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language? American
(I may need to append to this joke)
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language and that language is English? American
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language and that language is Spanish? American
fishlaw:As far as I am concerend the USA is first world, England second world and the rest of them are third world at best.
I dunno. Japan seems to do alright for itself. We should let them have an Army and Navy. That way, they can beat up on Kim Jong for us. Why should we demean ourselves by breaking out the big guns (US Army & Marines) for a fluff ball like Lil’ Kim?
jtb:Athiests won’t have any reason to resist growing beards and killing Jews and Christians.
Um, no. You’re confusing us with Democrats again. We’re too busy making sure things like smallpox stay gone. Except Michael Newdow, he’s a dick. Harvey, administer the lashings. You are my local contact in the vast up-wing conspiracy.
Update: I accidentally cut the ‘A’ off when copying the line. It actually makes a lot of sense that way.
Sanjayrodent:Q: Who invades a country without international support, a plan to do so, a competent president, an able military, or public support? [And still manages to kick more ass than any Turd Worlder could dream-ed.]
A: That nation that can do the same to you as it pleases: AMERICA And don’t you forget it.
The Land Walrus:The funniest American joke is that we still allow Canada to remain independent.
Like we need a few million more welfare cases. BTW, you’re confusing them with Mexico. Unlike them, Canada’s military is competent. Remember, Canada cold with good military, Mexico warm with…I’m sorry, I can’t even be that generous.
everyday:
I keep waiting for the day that wolves band together with Shepherds, Dobies, Rotties, and the like to avenge the creation of the insults to their genome that are poodles, chihuahuas, and the like.
You heard it here first: Get a big dog. Be on the right side of the Canid Uprising.
I ate your god medium rare
That would make an awesome T shirt!
Any Euro-weenie that says Americans are a violent people better be ready to step outside and back it up!
Why did the American cross the road?
To go to the gun show!!
I wonder how many countries literally wouldn’t exist without the United States. Oh, wait, that wasn’t a joke. Nevermind.
JTB — Why would atheists stop with killing Jews and Christians?
The only joke I could come up with was funny in the late 80s:
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they pay Mexicans to do it.
How many Japanese does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they buy Americans to do it…
Well, so much for the Japanese takeover of our economy that was such a worry back then… Good job, guys!
M’eh, I got nothin’…
I think this is a much better example of Euro trash not being able to deal with humor. It is from the EU Human Rights Commision to Dr. Mike Adams in response to a satirical column he wrote. The self-proclamed humor experts are unable to distinguish between satire and a call to arms over a nonexistent target.
http://www.townhall.com/columnists/MikeSAdams/2007/03/19/my_apology_to_the_european_human_rights_panel