Apparently there is a presidential debate for the Republicans tonight. It’s too early for me to care much, but I think I should be a team player and offer some advice.
FRANK ADVICE FOR THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
* Make it clear that nukes are on the table when dealing with Iran. If another candidate already said that, up the ante by adding, “And the table is made of C4!”
* Promise to cut taxes. If everyone keeps promising to cut even more taxes, say you’ll actually pay people to be Americans by taking money away from the poor and uneducated (the poor and uneducated don’t watch Republican presidential debates).
* You don’t want to appear hateful, so don’t call John Edwards any sort of homosexual slur. In fact, come out and explicitly say, “I’m not going to call John Edwards a faggot.”
* If asked whether you’re worried about Fred Thompson joining the race, try not to urinate uncontrollably while answering the question.
* Great line for whoever uses it first: “If Harry Reid keeps it up, he’s going to need a withdrawal date for my foot from his ass!”
* If you ever need to get the crowd going, just start listing Democrats you think should be executed for treason.
* To get your bona fides on the issue of illegal immigration, strangle a Mexican on stage. You’ll have to be quick about it or you’ll just look like your copying Tom Trancredo.
* If asked whether the war in Iraq can be won, the best answer for that is, “Only a homo would ask that question.” Actually, that’s great response for a lot of questions.
* Republicans want a man of action, so don’t be afraid to break things in controlled fits of rage.
“Only a homo would ask that question.”
Would you please warn me to put my coffee down before you make me spew it through my nose!?!
F*ck it Frank, you just won. I’m writing you in, dammit!
Hahahaha!!!1!one!
Their best bet is to say, “If elected, I will allow Fred Thompson to serve in my place.”
Excellent advise! You need to run for veep, Frank! The first one that uses the Homo remark gets my vote and my loyalty for life! I will fall in-love…in a totally gay kind of way!!!
You meant non-gay, right USSJimmyCarter?
Any candidate who pledges to institute the PIT OF DOOM for stupid liberal legislation gets my vote. Only Fred Thompson doesn’t need to. When he gets through with you, there’s nothing left to throw into the pit.
I ask this in all seriousness.
Frank, have you given thought to running for President?
Other tips:
1. Do not claim to have invented the internet, unless, of course, you are Tim Berners-Lee or Yogen Dalal or somebody like that.
2. Do not refer to a hat given to you by the CIA.
3. Do not claim to have, for example, been in Cambodia when Richard Nixon was President if you were enrolled in college at that time.
4. Do not announce that you are “reporting for duty” unless you want people to question your military record.
5. If you’ve ever been photographed wearing clothing that makes you look like a sperm cell in a Woody Allen movie, maybe you should just forget about running for President.
6. If you don’t know what, say, chili is, try not to reveal that fact.
This advice has been field-tested.
Great line for whoever uses it first: “If Harry Reid keeps it up, he’s going to need a withdrawal date for my foot from his ass!”
How is this a great line? Seriously, why would the presidential nominee from either party want to make it sound like they were willing to have their foot stuck in Harry Reid’s ass (or anyone’s ass) for a lengthy amount of time? The GOP sure loves the “boot in your ass” kind of phrase. Wonder why? Is it a gay fetish in-the-closet kind of thing?
*Remind the constituency about Fiscal Responsibility: If the democrats truly understood accountability, Palomino Pelosi’s $124B “blank check” would actually be more like a $105B “blank check”
A cup of coffee and a list by Frank J. and I’m feeling alive again. These all had me laughing out loud and I really needed that!
For somebody named “Sarcasm Man” you really are sarcasm-deficient.
I’ve seen you be dense, ignorant, stupid and an all around nitwit, but I have yet to see you be sarcastic.
How did you get your name? I’m gonna have to assume whoever named you was being sarcastic.
One question FrankJ, is this parody or satire?
I can never figure that out.
I only ask about the gay stuff because I’m lonely, you know. I really need some manly-conservative on flaming-queer action.
*Reinforce environment concern by making it clear that “rubber bullets are a renewable resource”
“I really need some manly-conservative on flaming-queer action.”
… tell you what. First you go ahead and douse yourself in something extremely flamable, and then strike a match. After that we’ll look for some manly-conservative action for you.
You must be using a wiki definition of “sarcasm”, huh?
Maybe we should rearrange the letters of sarcasm man to: asscram man.
In all seriousness (because I’m just not as funny as Frank J.), my best advice would be: don’t hold your debate on the night of the Grey’s Anatomy special 2-hour Dr. McHotty spinoff series setup episode. Thank God (or Al Gore, or whoever invented it) for Tivo….
Only somebody into S&M would think an ass-kicking is sexual.
Yes…in a totally NON gay way!!!
Gunga you should probably know better. 😛
Perhaps Frank should institute a Frank’s List Warning Disclamer that says: “Set all drinks down and swallow before reading further–you unrepentant ronins!”
I need to keep a box of Kleenex close because these lists often laughingly bring me to tears.
Kaboomboom has a great idea. If implemented it may save on monitors and keyboards.
Tancredo SMASH!
“If Harry Reid keeps it up, he’s going to need a withdrawal date for my foot from his ass!”
That was the funniest thing you’ve written yet.
//I need to keep a box of Kleenex close because these lists often laughingly bring me to tears.//
I heard sarc-boy keeps tissue close by for clean up after chat room visits with little boys on the KidsWB site.