Archive of entries posted on 20th November 2008

Supporting the auto industry bailout

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After much consideration, I am in favor of the auto industry bailout.

I don’t make this decision lightly. I considered many factors, and have decided that it would be best if the U.S. government bailed out the Big Three auto makers.

The thing most people forget is that the U.S. auto industry is more than Ford, GM, and Chrysler. Those are the big auto makers that are headquartered in Michigan. But that’s not where all the cars are made.

Tennessee, for instance, has GM plants. And Volkswagen is building a plant there. Nissan builds vehicles there, too.

And Alabama. Mercedes builds vehicles there. Yes, there are Mercedes built in Alabama. Betcha didn’t know that. And Honda vehicles, too. And Toyota.

Georgia is getting a new Kia plant. They’re hiring, by the way.

What all this means is, while things are rough up north, the auto industry in the south is doing well. Or a helluva lot better than Detroit.

I live in the south. Born here. Live here. Love it here.

And that’s why we need to bail out the auto industry. Up north.

You see, all those blue states — the ones with Democrat governors and Democrat Representatives and Democrat Senators and Democrat Legislatures — have let the Democrats in power screw up their economies while down here in the red states — the ones with Republican governors and Republican Representatives and Republican Senators and Republican Legislatures — have had better economies.

What I’m worried about is that all those folks that keep electing Democrats that screwed up those northern economies will move down here where the jobs are, register to vote, then elect Democrats to power that’ll screw up things down here as bad as it is up north.

So, I say bail out the auto industry.

We’ve got enough problems down here in the south without a bunch of damn Democrats moving down here and screwing things up even worse.

Bail them out.

Or build a fence. Right about the Mason-Dixon line ought to do.

Random Thought

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For my seventh birthday, my parents hired a clown. My friends and I were all in the backyard watching the clown make balloon animals while my dad cooked burgers on the grill. There was a problem with the grill, though, and the clown caught fire. The clown just kept running and screaming… running and screaming… and eventually my mom grabbed me and took me inside. Ever since then I’ve been afraid of backyards.

Do No Robo-Harm

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There’s this scientifical article on how to make sure robots do no harm. They never consulted me, though, even though I’m a leading thinker in stuff about robots. Here’s my suggestions:

FRANK SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE SURE ROBOTS DO NO HARM

* Make sure they all have prominent big red buttons on them that deactivates them.

* Never give them AI by merging the minds of different serial killers.

* Make them out of Nerf™.

* Have a limit of five weapons per robot.

* Never give them access to time machines.

* Don’t have their programming give them a hundred points per person they kill.

* Never make a robot monkey.

* No matter what excuses they give, don’t ever take off their restraining bolts.

* Install Vista on them so no killing spree can last longer than a few minutes without them needing to reboot.

* Make sure killbots have a preset killing limit.

* Put a big label on each robot saying, “Please Don’t Tease the Robot”.

Finally, I propose that each robot be programmed with Frank J.’s three laws of robotics.

FRANK J.’S THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS

1. Only kill foreigners.

2. Give children hugs unless it conflicts with the first law.

3. Do the robot dance to entertain people unless it conflicts with the first and second law.

4. Do everything Frank J. says. Ignore all other laws.

Whoops; that last law was supposed to be hidden.

Not a Real Business

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Mark Kirkorian pointed out what I think was a neat idea from David Frum.

Yeah, I know; you think Frum is stupid and hate him. Shut up; I still think he has a good idea.

Anyway, Frum suggested a law forbidding campaign contributions by officials of companies in which the federal government holds an ownership stake. I would go even further, though, to separate companies held up by the government from real companies. You see, a lot of the failures are being blamed on capitalism when really the companies failing are government backed and don’t compete in a real market so it’s more of a failure of capocialism. Companies that get government backing should have to have an asterisk or some other symbol next to their name so every knows it’s not a real company and can be disdainful of it. They should be pariahs, and if someone is known to run one of these phony companies, everyone should be like, “Guess he couldn’t run a real company.” And someone else will be like, “I hear he’s a homosexual.”

Anyway, I think this would be a good way of separating out capitalism from faux-capitalism. Plus, I like coming up with new reasons to make fun of people.

McCain Working For Obama?

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John & Barry were jaw-flappin’ on Monday, in an event that untrustworthy political hacks drunk with newfound power described as merely a “productive conversation”.

Personally, I’m thinking the Presidential First Loser was angling for a career change.

I don’t know if he got the job, but I *do* wonder what job he’d get, if one were to be tossed his direction like a bowl of watery gruel to a hungry orphan.

I speculate thusly:

“Michelle’s birthday is coming up. Gonna need a party clown.”

* Dog-walker for the oft-hinted-at First Puppy. It’s not like Malia & Sasha would walk their OWN dog, since personal responsibility has never been That One’s “thing”, and oppressing his beloved Punishments with it would be unthinkable.

* Guy who jacks up the bus so that Obama has more room to throw his friends & family under it.

* In charge of protecting Obama from feral boys attacking him with steel boomerangs.

* Emergency back-up teleprompter, i.e. Cue Card Boy.

* When Obama needs to decide which special interest group is the spreader and which is the spreadee, McCain will be there to shake up and hand the Magic 8 Ball to him.

* Follow Michelle around so that when she starts screaming “I HATE WHITEY!” people will think she’s talking about him, even though she’s really just having another off-her-meds-moment.

* When it comes time to bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran, McCain will push the button launching the nuclear strike, thus allowing Obama to continue his current foreign policy doctrine of blaming the Republicans for starting unilateral wars.

* As the end gets closer, SOMEONE is going to have to change Ted Kennedy’s diaper.

* Who has time to sit around all day waiting for the cable guy to show up? John McCain does!

* Not a job, exactly, so much as a fat envelope full of cash to thank him for running his campaign sorta like Custer ran Little Big Horn.

So if YOU were Obama, what role would McCain play in YOUR administration?

Me, I’d have him make sure no one had poisoned my MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and Black Forest Berry Honest Tea.

Point of Order

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So, is it now illegal to think there is anything wrong with homosexuality and to now want to promote it?

I’m not complaining… I’m just asking!