Why couldn’t our primary have been this hard of a choice.

Apparently other people feel the same way, because when I voted it was exactly fifty-fifty.

That One has launched a website wherein he asks you – the soon to be crapless because he’s going to tax it out of you – to “Share your vision for what America can be, where President-Elect Obama should lead this country. Where should we start together?”

Personally, I’d like to tell him “Freedom, Capitalism, Dead Terrorists”, but since those are probably racist code words for “black”, I’d just end up on his enemies list for my efforts.

So instead, I’ll speculate on what sort of responses he’s been getting from his Hopey Changeling minions. I imagine that the following are both fake and accurate:

“Let the change begin!”

* “Take Bush, Cheney, Rove, and all the ReTHUGlicans who’ve destroyed this country and throw them in GITMO! Then flush their Bibles down the toilet while you waterboard them!”

* “Lead the world on renewable energy independence. Cover the roof of the White House with solar panels and the lawn with windmills. But don’t do it if it’ll hurt any endangered species. It’s probably more important to protect them.”

* “Although raising taxes on the wealthiest 5% is a good start, you should probably make it the top 45%, since they all voted for McCain anyway. You need to make them pay for trying to prevent your historicness.”

* “Make sure all Americans get the right to free Health Care. Make sure there are plenty of doctors, too, so that we don’t have to wait in long lines, like the ones we had to stand in to vote for you (although that was TOTALLY worth it!). Maybe you should start drafting people (like the military does now) to make sure enough people volunteer to be doctors so that we can all be healthy and vote for you in 2012!”

* “You should impeach McCain for all the lies he told about you. Just like Bush got Bill Clinton impeached, except this time there will be actual Justice!”

* “All your cabinet members should be black, because you need to make sure that everybody who is behind you, that they’ve got a chance for success, too. When you spread the power around, it’s good for everybody.”

* “Confiscate all handguns and melt them down. Just don’t use coal.”

* “I liked having armed Black Panthers at the polls. You should have them at EVERY voting site to protect voters from intimidation.”

* “Show the world what peace means: bring US troops home from EVERYWHERE overseas, then discharge them all. If our military were disbanded, no on would feel threatened and there’d be no more war. Forget ‘Commander-in-Chief’. Be ‘Uniter-in-Peace'”

* “Gimme money!”

Feel free to drop your suggestions both here and at Change.Gov.

P.J. O’Rourke has an article in the Weekly Standard on how conservatives have screwed up. I like P.J. and find him smart and funny, but I’ve always been suspicious of him since when liberals say there are no funny conservatives, they always name him as an exception.

Anyway, his article is pretty good but then there is this part:

Our attitude toward immigration has been repulsive. Are we not pro-life? Are not immigrants alive? Unfortunately, no, a lot of them aren’t after attempting to cross our borders. Conservative immigration policies are as stupid as conservative attitudes are gross. Fence the border and give a huge boost to the Mexican ladder industry. Put the National Guard on the Rio Grande and know that U.S. troops are standing between you and yard care.

I don’t know what it is about illegal immigration that suddenly turns fine conservatives like the WSJ crowd into the worst liberals. And what I mean by the worst liberals is that they try to throw up a bunch of smoke and never tell you exactly what their goals are. This is why liberals don’t work on talk radio: If they clearly say what they mean, it scares even them.

P.J. does the usual dishonest thing of ignoring that the whole debate is about illegal immigration, makes an emotional appeal about how mean everyone is, and never says what he ultimately wants. He later implies some sort of amnesty-path to citizenship program, but what does that mean in the end? He doesn’t like fences, so does he want open borders? He doesn’t honestly think rewarding people who come here illegally will cause less people to come here illegally, so he’s either for doing away with the border or keeping a broken system. Both of those ideas sounds abhorrent, so he tap dances around ever saying them.

Also, what’s it with the conservative “elite” and yard care? Why do they always bring that up? I can just imagine them sitting around sipping martinis fretting about how if the flow of illegal immigrants is stopped they’ll never be able to get their lawn cut for below minimum wage. I know I had my suggestions the other day for the defining principles of conservatism, but maybe I should add another: If you can’t take care of your lawn without a complete breakdown of national sovereignty, maybe you’re not responsible enough to have one. Real conservatives know how to cut their own @#$%ing lawns. I’ve been mowing lawns since I was kid to get my below minimum wage allowance. I don’t need a permanent underclass of cheap labor to take care of my yard or home improvements… but maybe that’s just me and other responsible Americans.

Anyway, I had a new idea for a compromise to solve the illegal immigration crisis (maybe more workable than the obliterate Mexico one which too many people considered the same as amnesty). They keep saying it’s infeasible to deport twelve million people, and maybe they’re right. Perhaps we’ve been tolerating this for too long to just suddenly crack down on things like that. Plus, it’s probably really hard for Mexicans to follow a legal path here because they basically don’t have a functional government (What do they have down there? Like a bunch of tribal leaders or something?).

So here’s the compromise: If they register with the government, illegal immigrants can stay here legally. They get to share in American prosperity with no more worries of deportation.

But they can’t ever be citizens.

That’s the consequence for the action. They disenfranchised themselves. They showed they don’t care about the rule of law, so why should they ever get a say on what the rule of law is? Their children of course will get to be citizens, but not them. That’s the punishment that fits the crime. If you can’t follow our rules like the other immigrants, then you can’t ever fully be one of us.

Also, because I know there are some conservatives really worried about it, we can give illegal immigrants a special waiver so they can legally cut lawns for below minimum wage. Apparently, those people will never sign on to any plan that might leave them cutting their own lawns.

A bunch of liberals had the idea to send out warm fuzzy message to conservatives about how they love us and we can all work together calling it From 52 to 48. It’s kinda cute — like a dog wearing a hat. And that’s cute primarily because the dog doesn’t know what a hat is; it just knows it’s getting attention.

We had years of citizens denouncing their own country, not just being anti-American but being anti-basic humanity in how these nitwits who never have accomplished anything even remotely useful in their own lives were as arrogant as to believe their political views were so important that it exempted them from even basic decency. While people fought and died, all they cared about was that their incoherent shrieking was heard. Their simple minds just painted everyone who believed differently than them as mindlessly evil, once again justifying their actions no matter how horrid.

But now they got someone they like elected president so its time to make nice! Let’s forgive and forget!

Yes, like the next time something doesn’t go their way they won’t once again revert to narcissistic, mewling infants. So, if I slap away your offer, it’s not because I hold a grudge, it’s because I’m not an idiot. If these people really learned anything, their response would be to beg us for forgiveness for their behavior. Until then, no dice.

The disconnect is illustrated in the creator of the idea, zefrank, responding to a comment asking where was this desire to work together the past eight years. zefrank said:

Eight years ago, I felt left out, worried about our country and the direction it was taking. Same with four years ago. No one reached out to me. That is why I want to do this. Kindness and a desire to work together is everywhere, but it needs to be activated

He needed someone to reach out to him after an election? To do what? Give him a hug and patiently explain the electoral system to him?

Of course, the other party winning the presidency hasn’t overturned my world to the point I need to be cradled in someone’s arms and told everything will be alright. That’s because I’m not a useless person. My own life is fulfilling enough that I don’t feel the need to put all my self-worth in big global events beyond my control. I’m not a narcissist who thinks everything that happens is about me.

One thing I’ve learned through the years is that a big part about being a conservative means you always have more important things to worry about than politics. Not for these people… because they’re useless. And thus we gain nothing from working with them. On the other hand, we gain nothing from tripping them up.

So don’t worry, hippies: I’m not going to act like you have the past eight years — I wouldn’t demean myself like that. Also, I don’t hate you… but I don’t like you either.

I nothing you.

You have to kill 233 terrorists today to celebrate.