I am starting a new colony on Mars. It will be called Libertytown City. Not everyone will be invited. It will have liberty, respect for individual rights, and lots of red rocks. Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “But I don’t like liberty and red rocks.” Then this colony is not for you. You probably won’t be invited anyway.
PEOPLE WHO AREN’T INVITED TO MY COLONY ON MARS
* People who are whiny.
* People who are sissies.
* Sparkly vampires.
* People who find freedom scary.
Only good, freedom-loving people are invited to my colony on Mars. When the colony is first founded, we will have an ice cream social to get to know everyone. Then we must get to work. We’re going to make dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them to protect us. We will declare war on the moon. And we will be free, as no liberals will be allowed on Mars. They can maybe go on Phobos or Deimos — I really don’t care — but Mars will remain liberal-free. It’s the only way to protect liberty because as soon as liberals get scared they attack and bite liberty. We don’t put up with that crap on Mars.
So anyway, I’m just announcing my colony on Mars that not everyone will be invited to. I don’t know what day it’s happening, but while you wait you can sing a song like “There Are No Cats in America” from An American Tale except change it so it’s about how there are no liberals on Mars (I couldn’t get the meter working myself).
Sounds great! Let’s make plans to ensure that those who don’t work and/or commit crimes are the top priority in the new colony. Those who have worked hard to achieve some level of success should be called on to “donate” to the welfare of these less fortunate individuals and should be punished for their successes. That’s the only way to have a real and fair society. It will be great!
[You’re not allowed off of Phobos. -Ed.]
you need me in your new colony. I have a lot of experience living in an area of large amounts of scoria. (possibly left over from Yellowstone’s last blast) Anyhow, if the red rocks on Mars are anything like the scoria I am familiar with, you should pack some extra shoes. that stuff will grind the soles off of shoes very quickly.
Fine… but only if your moon-nuking policy is in full force on Mars, too.
Count me in! But, if we don’t take liberals, where will we get sufficient greenhouse gases to make the place habitable. (And I’m not talking just CO2!)
Isn’t this basically what happened when our ancestors ran out of Europe to far off land few knew anything about but that it was free from kings where they could have free practice of religion? The liberals will just follow us there.
Just one thing missing about your plan – some kind of old age security plan …oh and universal medical/dental and a few things like that – but start with the basics and you’ll be fine. seems to be a lot of rocks there so you should definitely not allow anyone to keep a rock in their possession because they could be used as dangerous weapons. … which is also why you need mandatory martian-care.
[You have to say on Deimos. -Ed.]
I’m having trouble making up my mind. What kind of ice cream will you be serving?
Oh, and shouldn’t all the libs be sent to the moon since you’ll be declaring war on it anyway?
It seems to me liberals will try to invade this colony and try to take away freedom and the dinosaurs with rocket launchers. Man I hate Liberals they ruin everything and suck the fun out of life.
[Liberals invading and fighting dinosaurs with rocket launchers? Be serious or I’m sending you to Phobos or Deimos. -Ed.]
You’ll need lots of bureaucracy and bureaucrats and government on Mars. I worked for a large, soulless bureaucracy for 7 years where we kept families together by tearing them apart. Can I be the chief bureaucrat?
Plus, I don’t know what Rick is supposed to say on Deimos but I can put some kind of tax on it to further fairness and keep from hurting anybody’s feelings.
Can I come too? I ain’t to bright, but I have a strong back and can lift heavy things. I would be pretty good at lifting heavy rocks (there are supposedly a lot of them around on Mars) and throw them at people.
Frank before you send me to Phobos or Deimos (both which I hear are lovley this time of year) I was simply only concerned about the liberals Army of Super Enhanced Cybernetic Screeching Poo Flinging Freedom Destroying Monkeys invading the colony. This was in last week’s Dick Cheney Death Squad memo. Pelosi had them authorized, there funded by ACORN, and built by Illegal immigrants.
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers”
Libertytown city has a nice ring to it! I hope they have even cooler dinosoars on mars than we have here.
I fit all the criteria for a possible invitation, except I kinda don’t really like red rocks that much. Could we paint a bunch of them blue?
In spite of my red rock issue I think I am a worthy candidate for this exciting new opportunity. I have extensive knowledge of laser guidance systems and laser weaponry, both of which will be handy in the new world.
Can we put all the dull humorless libs on Jupiter? Wait, thats all the libs period.
When they get to Jupiter they will be besides themselves without any boogeyman issues to concoct, so one day they will say “the sky is falling”. We can say “no, those are nukes heading your way from your liberty loving neighbors on Mars”. Have a nice day, KERBOOOOOOM. (I never liked Jupiter, or libs anyway)
Frank,
I can run a frunt end loader and every size of small caterpillars. And I have several hammers. I would love to have rock duty.
Just one thing–there will be pie, right? ‘Cause if not, that there’s a deal breaker.
Also, Oh Omniscient One, have you made any alliances with the Jupiterians; and be on guard from sneak attacks from Saturnian Surrender Monkeys.
Have you contacted Mars yet , via the Martian Monolith?
I posted this same idea yesterday. I see you have a clause against whining, but will you protect copyrights?
I’m just sayin’.
So can we nuke Phobos and Deimos, too? Or should we wait until after the liberals “accidently” pass through the portal to Hell?
I forgot to ask, is Harvey coming? I sure hope he is!
Count me in. Liberty, Freedom! No hippies!!! Oh, you did not mention that monkeys are NOT alloyed. Well, FrankJ, are they???? Hmmmm.
noy alloyed… allowed. Jeez
Phobos and Deimos, the children of Mars: I read somewhere that their names translate as Fear and Panic – Sounds like the perfect place for liberals.
Actually, alloyed monkeys sound pretty cool. They could be made of a high-strength steel alloy, and fitted with lasers to guide the dinosaurs.
I will not go unless you import some hippies to punch……..or two weeks vacation per year to punch hippies on earth.
I would make red Christmas trees that would light up inviting Santa Claus all year round and
I would tame marsians with my hellified stories of ruffian rampages over liberal lunatics and they would learn to ride the dinasaurs and shoot the rocket launchers at all Pelosi type invaders.
Can I control the oxygen valves?
I know…off to Phobos or Deimos with me. Sigh.
I’d like to come but you will need to quarantine me for awhile. I’ve been living in Minnesota for so long that I’m not sure what a Conservative is anymore!
Bring plenty of guns, ammo and beer and leave all the lawyers and politicians. The only laws that Liberty Town needs is the basic laws of civilization, the Bible.
Mars ain’t the kind of place
To raise your kids
In fact, it’s cold as hell
And there’s no one there to raise them
If you did
And all this science
I don’t understand
It’s just my job
Five days a week
‘Cause I’m A Rocket Man….Rocket Man.
Can’t believe I missed this one Frank. 6 years as a Mars Society person and…
Anyway, most efforts to go to Mars, including Project Constellation in many respects, are the result of the efforts of Dr. Robert Zubrin. You’d love him. His book Energy Victory is very much in line with conservative thinking, and he’s apparently also buddies with Glen the Puppy Blender. Zubrin is also extremely funny and snarky, and basically conservative.
Will you also ban Birkenstocks and fru-fru coffee?
Oh, there are no libs on the planet Mars, and la la la la la…
Actually, there was a bit in the Hitchhiker trilogy where hairdressers and c. were told that the planet was going to explode and everyone would have to leave but they got their own ship and were supposed to rendezvous with everyone else later….
We could just tell the libs that EVERYONE was going to Mars; then, after they’d all left, we could just stay here.