Frank Advice for Life

If a UFO lands in front of you and aliens come out and demand, “Take me to your leader!” immediately respond with, “I’m not a frick’n taxi service!” and then ignore them. With aliens, the same as with dogs, you need to assert your dominance.

Brand New Effects of Global Warming Claimed by Copenhagen

Global warming has become so erratic due to human activity that computer models can not successfully predict its effects… or even whether the earth will get warmer. Yet people are still ignoring the problem. Thus everyone at Copenhagen is working on new claims of disasters caused by global warming to capture the world’s imagination.

BRAND NEW EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING CLAIMED BY COPENHAGEN

* You know how dry deserts are? Well, now they’re even more drier.

* Lack of foliage is reducing the ninja’s native habitat: the shadows.

* American presidents are becoming increasingly incompetent.

* Rain clouds are becoming sentient.

* The heat is affecting scientists’ brains, causing them to write incriminating e-mails.

* Pit bulls are getting angrier and increasingly right-wing.

* Al Gore will soon snap completely and kiss random people in invasive ways when on camera.

* Wetlands are turning from wet to just sticky.

* Due to loss of habitat, more polar bears are turning to armed robbery.

* Rabbits, instead of multiplying, are exponentiating.

* Rainforests are being populated with even more creatures voiced by Robin Williams.

* Joblessness rate continues to rise for glaciers.

Alternate Names for the Fiesta Bowl

So non-BCS teams Boise State and TCU fought so hard this season to be able to prove themselves by playing against a top-ranked BCS team on a national stage, both ending their regular seasons undefeated, and now they get to play… each other… just like last year in their consolation-prize bowl.

Gah!

It is the Fiesta Bowl, but these teams wanted to prove themselves to be something other than the best of the non-BCS teams. So here are some suggestions for a more apt name for their game than “Fiesta Bowl”:

ALTERNATE NAMES FOR THE FIESTA BOWL

* The Kiddie Table Bowl

* The David vs. David Bowl

* The Screw You, Non-BCS Teams Bowl

* The Glass Ceiling Bowl

* The Poinsettia Bowl

* The Prevent Embarrassment to BCS Teams Bowl

* The It Doesn’t Matter How Well You Play, We’ll Never Give You a Chance Bowl

* The BCS People Are Worse Than Hitler, Stalin, and the Guy Who Invented Clamshell Packaging Combined Bowl.

Somehow, I blame Obama for all of this.

Random Thoughts

America needs to find a better way to determine whether someone is an inexperienced idiot than letting him be president for a year.

I always love that “I can’t believe that actually worked” feeling I get from being an engineer.

I’m so glad college football doesn’t have playoffs. All sports champions should be decided by polling and computers. Why even have a championship game? Wouldn’t a super extra deluxe poll solve things even better?

Why are chickens coming home to roost a bad thing? Shouldn’t we be like, “Yay! The chickens are coming home! And they’re roosting!”

I get the feeling that if Obama were president during 9/11, he would have responded with a new health care plan.

Heard this awful, nasally singing of a Christmas song on the radio. Checked and saw it was the Jonas Brothers. Why are they popular? Why would parents let their kids listen to that? Being wholesome and Christian does not excuse sounding absolutely awful.

I’m as excited to see Avatar as I was for Waterworld.

While everybody is away for Copenhagen, let’s change the locks.

Really, though, with wars and a plummeting economy, what better time to take on ManBearPig?

Once again to summarize my reaction to the BCS: Gah!

No More Unfair Comparisons

Democratic Senator Sheldon Whitehouse of Rhode Island claimed (link NSFW) that in 8 years, he couldn’t remember George W. Bush ever being portrayed with a Hitler mustache.

His point being that it’s completely wrong for Tea Partiers to compare Obama to Hitler.

My point being that if you’re not smart enough to put the words “Bush” and “Hitler” into a Google Image search, you’re probably shouldn’t be considered qualified to vote on matters of national import.

Still, his criticism is noted, and from now on, I’ll show some restraint when comparing Obama to people with postage-stamp moustaches:

One’s a comedian whose bungling antics brought laughter to millions, the other got his start in Vaudeville.