New Idea for Getting Rid of Hippies

Here’s my new idea for getting rid of hippies. Let’s put out this announcement:

Due to increased global warming, polar bears are increasingly scared and sad. The only solution is to give them hugs. Thus, as citizens of the earth, we need to go out and hug polar bears now. So just go up to them and start hugging. They may bear their teeth, swing their paws, and roar, but that’s just polar bear for “I’m scared and need a hug!” If you are too intimidated to hug an adult polar bear, at least hug a baby polar bear then. Just make sure the mother polar bear is watching because it likes to chaperone that sort of thing. Soon the mother should be charging at you and roaring its thanks.

The government really should put out stuff like this every so often to control the hippie population; I don’t know why it doesn’t.

Global warming scares me! I need a hug!

Global warming scares me! I need a hug!

Top Ten Easy House Votes for Next Year

Nancy Pelosi has promised Democrats there won’t be any tough votes next year after they all agree to destroy our nation’s health care. So Pelosi has scheduled for 2010 a bunch of votes that should be so unanimous that only Ron Paul would vote against them. Here’s ten of them:

TOP TEN EASY HOUSE VOTES FOR NEXT YEAR

10. A vote to not to go to war with Finland.

9. A condemnation of making vampires sparkle.

8. A vote on what is the opposite of “No”.

7. Acknowledgment of Barney Frank’s many years in the House talking funny.

6. A vote praising nachos for its many years of service as a snack.

5. A bill making the inventor of clamshell packaging an enemy of the state.

4. A vote on what one likes to receive on Christmas (idea is to see if they can get the very first vote where the entire House votes “Present”).

3. Acknowledgment of the fluffiness of kitties and puppies.

2. A vote to rate the House’s effectiveness a B+.

And the number one easy house vote for next year is…

A resolution that voting is fun!

Nuff Said

I think I am going to change my name to Nuff.

Then I’ll sue everyone who mis-attributes quotes to me.

What I Heard About Rand Paul

I heard from someone — and I can’t really say who — that Rand Paul when he thought no one was around went on and on about how much he likes big government and taxes. Yeah, that’s right: Apparently Rand Paul secretly loves expanding the government and taxing people. Also, apparently he said:

“The only use I have for the Constitution is toilet paper.”

And I don’t even want to repeat the things he supposedly said about a gold-based dollar.

Anyway, this is just what I heard. Pass it around.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I just can’t get over how awesome I am.

I originally though “Rand Paul” was a stupid nickname for Ron Paul by his followers. The reality is more disturbing.

Let’s spread rumors that Rand Paul secretly loves big government and taxes.

Democrats are going to do a recall of Lieberman. Then they’re going to play Quidditch and do a Quickening and other made up stuff.

What I learned from “A Christmas Story” is a great way to get kids to behave is to threaten harm to their eyes.

I’m supposed to believe Aciphex went through all those years of drug trials with no one pointing out it’s pronounced ass-effects?