Archive of entries posted on January 2010

Exclusive interview with Ellie Light

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There have been news reports recently of letters to the editor in many newspapers all across the nation … signed by Ellie Light.

All claimed to be local, meaning that either Ellie Light had homes in over a dozen states, or there are lots of people named Ellie Light, and they all think — and write — exactly alike.

“Astroturfing” was the suspicion. “Sock puppets” was the charge.

As it turns out, we have located Ellie Light. And there are many Ellie Lights. Here’s a transcript of our exclusive interview:

Basil
Thank you, Ellie, for taking the time to talk with us.

Axelrod-MTM
It’s my pleasure.

Basil
There have been charges that you are actually a front for members of the Obama administration. What do you say to that?

Axelrod-MTM
That’s ridiculous! I am a red-blooded American male, uh, woman, who loves his country and supports the greatest, smartest, bestest person ever elected to the presidency, Barack J. Obama.

Basil
You mean Barack Hussein Obama?

Axelrod-MTM
Racist!

Basil
Um, hmmm, ah. Well, Ellie, how do you explain that you’ve signed letters claiming to live in different cities across America?

Axelrod-MTM
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I live in Cleveland, and have always lived in Cleveland. I don’t know anything about anyone named Ellie Light in Philadelphia.

Basil
I didn’t say anything about Philadelphia.

Axelrod-MTM
Yes you did. But I didn’t write that.

Basil
Then who did?

Axelrod-Mona
I did.

Basil
Who are you?

Axelrod-Mona
I’m Ellie Light. I live in Philadelphia. Have my whole life. And I support Barack Obama. He’s so smart, sexy, and manly — and he’s such a great president!

Basil
So, there are two of you named Ellie Light?

Axelrod-Marilyn
More than two.

Basil
Who are you?

Axelrod-Marilyn
I’m Ellie Light. I live in Baltimore.

Basil
Just how many of you are there?

Axelrod-MTM
How many do you need?

1994 vs 2010

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President Obama told retiring Democrat Congressman Marion Berry, that the difference between the political situations in 1994 and 2010 was “you’ve got me”.

Is he serious? Both years featured first-term, promise-breaking, tax & spend liberal presidents in the midst of over-reaching on health care legislation.

Heck, Obama’s just one chubby intern away from BEING Bill Clinton.

IMAO Reader Theater: “George & Barry”

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5th Level Fighter presents: “George & Barry”


[Xtranormal direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it’s PG-13 and doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

What Makes Obama Angry?

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A lot of liberals are saying Obama needs to get angry, because apparently being patronizing to the American people wasn’t enough so he also needs to yell at them. Obama often seems cool and aloof, though, so getting him angry might be hard. Still, I compiled a list of things known to make Obama angry.

THINGS THAT MAKE OBAMA ANGRY

* Overpriced organic arugula.

* Most stores not having the extra large ear muffs he needs.

* Free will.

* Not being given quiet time to eat his waffles.

* Capitalism.

* Wannabe socialist dictators getting thrown out of power.

* Teleprompter malfunctions.

* Liberty.

* Networks not airing every one of his prime time speeches.

* FOX News.

* Typical white people.

* Bowling.

* Windows that look like doors.

* Talk radio.

* Alaska.

* Guns and religion.

* People recording speeches he thought were to a private audience in San Francisco.

* Americans.

Depressing Future

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It’s 2010. That’s the future. But could you imagine explaining this time to your younger self?

When I was a kid in the eighties, I expected the future to have robots and jet packs and laser guns flying cars and colonization of Mars. But the only popular personal robot is a little thing that vacuums, jet packs are still impractical, laser guns are still a future tech for the military, I don’t even know what happened to flying cars, and not only are we not colonizing Mars, we’re still trying to get back to the moon, i.e., back to where we were in 1969.

So what’s the big tech thing right now? The iPhone. Would my younger self even be impressed by that?

FRANK: See, it’s an iPhone. It has a touch screen.

YOUNG FRANK: We have touch screens now.

FRANK: Yeah, but you can load an app on it to pretend it’s a lightsaber. Zing zing!

YOUNG FRANK: That’s stupid and you’re stupid! So no robots or flying cars?

FRANK: Well, we have hybird cars.

YOUNG FRANK: Like part car and part boat?

FRANK: No… um… like part gas and part electric.

YOUNG FRANK: Who cares!

FRANK: Well, we have the internet. That’s the big technology that shapes the future. It’s all information at your fingertips. Like, if you were wondering about the back story for Velma from Scoobie Doo, you could just look it up instantly on Wikipedia.

YOUNG FRANK: But if you want to shoot someone with a laser gun, you’re out of luck?

FRANK: Yeah, but… our TVs are wider.

YOUNG FRANK: So nothing like Bladerunner?

FRANK: I believe their TVs were not wider.

YOUNG FRANK: The future is boring and stupid!

FRANK: Here’s something interesting: We have a black president.

YOUNG FRANK: Mr. T?

FRANK: No… nothing like Mr. T.

And then I’d try to explain Twitter to him and he’d probably punch me in the nads and run away. Thanks, The Future!

Random Thoughts

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Q. Why can’t sound travel through space? A. Because of an ancient curse.

Arlen Specter kinda looks like Nixon’s older brother.

Got my W-2. The government already has so much of my money; I wonder if I can convince them to give some of it back? No, the government will probably be like, “we can haz mor money? kthxbai.”

If liberals had followed through on their threats to move to France or Canada, maybe they could have kept those countries form moving right.

Anyway, liberals, might want to get your moving plans in order before November.

Satellites, why won’t you talk to me? I’m sorry I called space boring; that probably offended you since you live there.

So apparently the SC decision is sending us to the Robocop type future where corporation run everything. Will employment be better?

We really don’t have enough crime fighting robots. Or break dancing ones.

As kids, we expected the future to be full of flying cars and robots. Do you think we’d be impressed if told about the iPhone?

I can see myself explaining Wikipedia to child Frank: “Wow; who cares? Get away from me! Stranger danger!”

I notice a common character on TV shows these days is the guy everyone irrationally hates.

Not satisfied with what the Democrats have been doing, I’ve made my own health care plan. It’s 500 pages. I have no idea what’s in it.

We should have someone named Ellie Dark write letters trashing Obama to tons of local papers.

It’s hard at Favre’s age, because instead of throwing the ball he just has this urge to yell at all the players, “Get off my lawn!”

Sports should add “no mercy” rules where if one team is hugely ahead, they add more time so they can pile it on even more.

We have Vikings and Cowboys, but we need sports teams called Ninjas, Zombies, and Robots. And maybe Hobos.

If the Saints lose in the Super Bowl, everyone in New Orleans will be like, “This is the worst day here ever!”

IMAO Reader Theater: “Sen. Ted Gritty: Ep1 Bills for bill”

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Derek of Awesometific American presents: “Sen. Ted Gritty: Ep1 Bills for bill”


[Xtranormal direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it’s PG-13 and doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

IMAO Reader Theater: “Beyond the Palin”

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Thor presents: “Beyond the Palin”


[Xtranormal direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it’s PG-13 and doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

IMAO Reader Theater: “The Matrix 1.0”

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Greg presents: “The Matrix 1.0”

Really, he’s just saying what everyone who watched the movie was actually thinking.


[Xtranormal direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it’s PG-13 and doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

Air America Is Gone

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Yeah, I didn’t know it was still on the air either, but now they are gone for good. In light of the blow liberals suffered in the Massachusetts special election, it’s worth once again looking at why liberals don’t do well on talk radio. The point of talk radio is to very plainly state what you believe in. This works well for conservatives as much of what they say boils down to support for individualism and freedom and anger at those who interfere with it — things Americans easily get behind. But liberals views plainly stated scare even most liberals. It breaks down to “Everyone is stupid except for me so I should control everything through government.” That’s a message Americans hate. That’s why in politics liberalism is never plainly stated. They never say they want socialism. They don’t refer to their plans as a government takeover of health care. Unfortunately for them, liberals didn’t hide their intentions enough lately and thus the trouncing in Massachusetts.

So liberals views on the radio are just never going to get a big audience because people don’t want it. For all those who were on Air America, I’d recommend getting a new job making pastries or blankets with sleeves on them — things people want. But don’t make liberal commentary; no one wants that. That’s free job advice from me to help get this economy going.

wut happend?!!

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grahhh!

murahhhhhhh!

wut happend? ted kennedee was monkeys gratest freend. now in his seet is dum stoopid heelbilly neocon teabagging jue? dis not right! dis not possibul! dis trick!

ween obamama wun dat peepul hated de dum stoopid heelbilly neocon teabagging jues. Dey wanted der eyeball eeten. dat messuge was loud an clear. wut are dey saying now? i do not understand!

dis must bee becuz we not librul enuf an not eet enough eyeballs. did only explanation. obamama failed on making u hav helth care an fail on taxing u an fail on eeting ur eyeballs so dat why peepul angry. dey want mor librulism and mor eyeballs eeten. dis onlee logicul explanashun. i weel wright diary about it on daily kos to tell all my monkey freends not to lose hope.

yes. dat it. everee wun steel hate u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon teabagging jues. dey just wanted liberuls to work faster. so no reeson u celebrate. i weel eet ur dum stoopid eyeballs soon. i weel. an i weel turn them into poo an throw de poo at u. dis will happen soon. i happy not sad. things ar gud. things ar very gud. i go watch msnbc now.

Random Thoughts

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When Democrats say “teabagger”, they mean “American”. They came up with the term so they can surreptitiously rant against Americans.

If John Kerry had won in 2004, John Edwards would have been one bad botox treatment away from the presidency.

Air America shutting down? People really hate liberals in this country.

I guess it’s good Al Franken already found a new job.

Liberals need to offer America something it wants. So instead making commentary to sell, make cheeseburgers. Everyone likes those.

Apparently Alan Grayson compared today’s Supreme Court decision to Dred Scott. He really is a troll commenter as Congressman.

Grayson just wants attention and he doesn’t care if it’s the good or bad kind.

Talking to satellites is hard because they move really fast and are all the way up in space.

The left seems to think the reason the American people didn’t like getting kicked in the groin is that they were doing it wrong.

So has anyone on the left fessed up the election being a complete rejection of their ideas?

I hope everyone who worked at Air America finds a job that makes them very happy and less liberal.