So they had the straw poll at CPAC to find who would be the conservative choice for president, and the winner was…

RON PAUL!

Have you heard of this guy? Apparently he’s a great conservative and there is a grassroots movement behind him. His crazed supporters who repulse anyone they talk to have gamed polls before because they don’t have anything else in their lives, but maybe this time it’s a for real thing and there is actual support for Ron Paul and not just among people who think the Jews are responsible for 9/11.

Seriously, though, how do we convince these guys to give it up? Can we convince them to be Democrats and get them to pester those people instead? I just don’t want to deal with the density of Ron Paul supporters another election year. We have to somehow make it clear to them that everyone hates them and no one is going to vote for Ron Paul. In fact, here are things I would rather vote for than Ron Paul:

THINGS I WOULD RATHER VOTE FOR THAN RON PAUL

* Root canals for everybody
* A new Star Wars trilogy centered on Jar Jar Binks
* Obamacare
* The Black Eyed Peas
* Cancer
* Windows ME
* Clamshell packaging
* Sweet sweet death
* Mike Huckabee

All hail Phar-0, the true ruler of Egypt!

♫ Born in Honolulu… If you don’t believe, then SCREW YOU! ♫

Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!

I was thinking: Maybe IMAO should hire a polling firm. That would allow us to finally poll the issues that need polling and drive the news. It worked a lot for Kos, though things didn’t end well with with his first polling firm (I heard Kos bit them).

Not sure how we get a good polling firm, but I’m just going to go ahead and start working on some question I think it would be neat to poll:

IMAO POLLING QUESTIONS

* If you had to spend tax money on one of these items, which would you rather it be: Obamacare or giant robots?

* Obama is kind of an idiot, huh? Yes/No

* Which is more important to winning the future: High speed rail or space lasers?

* What should happen to someone who has punched a hippie: Fined $50, nothing, or paid $50?

* What you rather a trillion dollars be spent on: What Obama calls stimulus or a giant new space program to send all the politicians spending our money to the sun?

How much do you agree with each of the follow statements? Rank as extremely agree, very agree, or I hate America:
– Our children’s kung fu is weak.
– We need to nuke the moon.
– It is important for scientists to resurrect dinosaurs and put rocket launchers on them.
– A real solution to illegal immigration would involve something called a Mexi-cannon.
– Clam shell packaging should be illegal and the perpetrators of it hunted down.
– Monkeys are plotting to kill us all.

So Cheney introduced Rumsfeld at CPAC, and they were both heckled by Ron Paul supporters. Yeah, the Ron Paul supporters are still around apparently, yelling “War criminal!” and anti-semitic stuff about shekels (to Ron Paul supporters, it’s all about the Constitution… and the Jews). I thought we had finally gotten into their heads that we all hate them and no one but crazy people are going to vote for Ron Paul, but they’re still out there and still yelling and being as unlikeable as possible.

So is Ron Paul going to be a problem for 2012? Maybe, so here’s my idea: At the beginning of 2012 we throw a blanket over his head, and hopefully he’ll continue struggling throughout campaign season to get it off.

As for Ron Paul supporters, they haven’t been doing so well. In fact, a number of the hecklers at CPAC were found strangled later that day. The situation was very mysterious, as they were found lying dead in the hallway with Donald Rumsfeld standing over them saying, “Look at these guys I just strangled.” DC police are baffled.

Matthias Shapiro has a video in the Y-Care contest to do video about our debt. You remember him from other videos on debt such as a visualization of Obama’s budget cuts using pennies. Anyway, go watch and vote for his video, because if he wins he says he’ll buy me an iPad 2.

I’ve quite enjoyed the blog [citation needed] which collects the worst and weirdest examples of writing from Wikipedia (and made by one of the writers from RiffTrax, which I may have mentioned before I really like). It now has a podcast – a podcast on writings from Wikipedia. How could that not be entertaining? Makes me a little nostalgic for the IMAO podcast, which I’d love to do again if it weren’t a ton of work.

So Keith Olbermann is going to Al Gore’s Current TV. I am not sure this is a real thing. Some say it’s an actual television channel, but there are also lots of evidence it’s just Gore in his basement pretending he’s on TV and people are watching him. Whatever it is, it sounds like it’s going to struggle to have the audience reach of the IMAO podcast in its heyday.

The idea is apparently another attempt to do a liberal FOX News. I’m not sure what that means. If they mean a stridently liberal news outlet, then most other news outlets already are a liberal FOX News. If they mean a liberal news outlet that is also popular like FOX, that’s just a fantasy. There are only so many ways to feed back liberals’ tired ideas to them, and I think MSNBC demonstrated about the maximum size of an audience for that.

So, better idea: Instead of Al Gore and Keith Olbermann doing news on Current TV, how about a reality show where they are a mismatched team of bounty hunters. I know I’ve proposed something like this before, but it’s just so obviously a good idea. Cameras would follow Gore and Olbermann as they pursued their bounty through the mean streets, and then they’d both lecture the guy when they caught him. Gore would be like, “Do you understand how your crimes affect the environment?” And Olbermann would be like, “How dare you, sir. How dare you.” And they’d get so caught up in their lecturing they’d miss the bounty escaping and inevitably get in a big argument blaming each other. Drama, action, lots of arguing between inflated egos — there’s a great reality show. Who would not watch that?

So you heard about this Christopher Lee thing? Before we had time to process what was going on, the guy was already gone. It was awesome. Why can’t it always be that as soon as a congressmen starts to be an embarrassment — BOOM! — he’s out the door. Caught on YouTube roughing up some kid on the streets, gone that day. Money found in your freezer, gone before anyone can write a coherent blog post about it. Charlie Rangel — gone decades ago.

As soon as anything starts to look fishy about any politician, they should be out the door immediately. Could this policy end up hurting some innocent congressmen? No, because they’re all politicians and not innocent. Plus, there is no right to a cushy legislative job.

Really, I see no downsides to constantly throwing out politicians for like anything. The only problem, of course, is that most are sociopaths who will cling to power as long as we can. That’s why we’ll need something new to enforce these anti-corruption measures: A robot. See, a robot has claws made of metal, so no matter how hard a politician tries to cling to his seat, the robot will be stronger and able to remove him. The robot will constantly patrol the halls of the Capitol reminding all politicians of its cold metal justice for corruption. It will have glowing red eyes and speak like Soundwave from the original Transformers cartoon.

Now, I know some of you are saying, “I’ve seen Robocop; isn’t this robot just going to eventually start hurting people and become uncontrollable?” No, because it will be programmed to only be able to touch politicians so there’s no fear of it hurting people.

So let’s win the future – a future free of corruption and full of robots.

I was just thinking, have you heard of a more cynical case of capitalism than the sale of Huffington Post? Here, you have a liberal site always going on about how great socialism is and how bad corporations are and then make $315 million off of thousands of unpaid bloggers who still don’t get a cut of the money. Anyway, something to keep in mind if you ever see another post on HuffPo about corporate greed or something. That’s the way it is with the left: The rules are always for other people.

Anyway, makes me think of some cynical ploys. Like maybe I could sell my whole online persona. I don’t know if anyone has done this before, but maybe someone could just buy out my whole online identity. They’d give me big cash money, and then I quietly hand over the password for my blog and Twitter account and they get to be Frank J. You guys wouldn’t notice anything different except, considering who bought me out, I might start talking up how great Chevy trucks are or something. This would work even better for someone completely anonymous like Allahpundit. Someone else could start being Allahpundit, and no one would ever know. Could have happened a few times already.

Anyway, I think it’s time to cash out. I’ll soon put up being Frank J. on eBay. Bidding starts at a million.

So Biden announced a $53 billion plan to build high speed rail. He said this is about “seizing the future.” So, I guess we already gave up on winning the future and are going to do a snatch and grab on it.

Of course, how are we going to get to the future using a strategy from the second half of the 19th century?

BIDEN: “Let’s build trains!”

AMERICA: “No one uses trains anymore.”

BIDEN: “But these are really fast trains?”

AMERICA: “Faster than planes?”

BIDEN: “No.”

Yeah, let’s definitely spend those billions we don’t have to make choo choos, ’cause if one thing is holding back our economy it’s not enough choo choos. And after we use our advanced technology to build a better train, let’s then focus science on inventing a better horseshoe.

Of course, if we all want to be about saving money and being green and what not, shouldn’t we focus more on not going places since we have like our internet and stuff now. I mean, physically going places seems so last century. You didn’t have to go any place to get IMAO; why even go outside at all, I say.

So Obama has been pretty good at coming up with slogans like “The Audacity of Hope”, “Yes We Can”, and “Win the Future.” They’re short, meaningless, and fun to say. In 2012, he’s probably going to need more than those if he hopes to win reelection, so I thought I’d try my hand and coming up with a number of new happy, meaningless slogans for him to try out. If he likes them, he can buy them for a million dollars.

NEW POSSIBLE SLOGANS FOR OBAMA

“Yes We Are”

“Bitterly Cling to Progress”

“Forward to Something”

“The Time Is Now. The Future Is Forward. The Sky Is Up. The Space Needle Is in Seattle.”

“We’re the People That Are Here Now”

“Eat. Pray. Pay Taxes.”

“When a car is stuck in a ditch, we can either be the car or the ditch. Let’s be the ditch.”

“We Need to Do Stuff About the Things”

“The Audacity of Unicorns”

“Let’s not concentrate on a past filled with dinosaurs, but a future filled with resurrected dinosaurs.”

On second, thought, that last one is not for sale.