Here’s a pretty informative summary of our warfare in the Middle East over the past decade. It points out a number of mistakes and makes things look pretty grim at times, yet it strikes a number of optimistic notes too. It’s kind of hard to believe, but maybe it isn’t the fate of the Middle East to constantly be the most awful place imaginable. Maybe.

(hat tip Mike Z. Williamson)

Some people are raising money to put up a Robocop statue in Detroit. This is awesome idea. Some people are against it, but I don’t know why. What exactly does Detroit have going for it right now? It’s city motto is, “Get out while you still can!” And the sign at the city limit says, “Now leaving Detroit. Don’t look back or you’ll turn into a pillar of salt.” Right now it’s an awful hellhole of a city, but with a Robocop statue it would be an awful hellhole of a city plus an awesome Robocop statue. And maybe the statue could be robotic and automatically point its gun at anyone who comes near while yelling, “Freeze, dirtbag!”

So how are we on designing actual robot cops? Robots have mastered vacuuming, but I don’t know if they’re up to police work yet. Still, robot cops would sure make the show Cops more interesting (is that still on the air?). And as Batman observed, criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot, so maybe our robot cops should also be bats. And so they don’t have to keep coming back to the police station to charge, maybe they can power themselves by eating human faces. Little robot bats that eat human faces — now there’s the way to a crime-free futuristic utopia.

So is big fat Chris Christie our best bet for 2012? With Obama being a spineless, useless tool on the deficit, it might be time to finally run on that issue, and it’s been shown that Chris Christie already knows how to get results. We need someone who is going to make those drastic cuts and not care when people yell at him, and that’s Christie. Only problem is when people ask him to run for president, he always responds, “Can’t campaign now; busy eating.”

Maybe we can cook like six pounds of bacon. Chris Christie will see it and be like, “BACON!!!” But then we’ll say, “Sorry, this bacon is only for people running for president.” Then he’ll be like, “I’ll run for president; NOW GIVE ME BACON!!!”

Otherwise, we need to find someone else to do like a suicide mission to make drastic cuts to government, and I don’t know who else is up for that. Romney is too much of a politician wanting to be liked by everybody to do something like that. Huckabee probably doesn’t even know what a deficit is. And it doesn’t matter what Sarah Palin will do since she can’t get elected since everyone hates her (What’s up with her? I hate her!).

With Obama’s own budget proposing 7.2 trillion in new debt, we really need someone who is going to take Obama and rub his nose in it and say, “Look what you did! Look what you did!” Chris Christie can do that. If the GOP just gets another person who is going to punt the issue down the road, then it gets rather pointless since we’re just helping the country hobble along a bit further until it collapses. I’m not saying the nominee has to be Chris Christie, but he should be the model for our nominee. So which Republican candidate is willing to put on 500 more pounds? Other than Huckabee, of course.

There has been some concern expressed about the amount of comments that end up in moderation, so I thought I’d go ahead and finally explain the rules that may cause a comment to end up in moderation.

YOUR COMMENT WILL BE MODERATED IF…

* …you’re a first time commenter.
* …your comment uses a word from a blacklist of vulgarity and racial slurs.
* …your comment contains numerous links.
* …your comment is extremely lengthy.
* …an algorithm determines your comment’s tone to be hostile.
* …your comment contains too many adverbs.
* …your comment’s character count is a multiple of 23.
* …your comment uses UK English variants of words.
* …a computer algorithm determines that your comment was probably written by a Jew (the moderation software is extremely anti-Semitic).
* …your comment corrects me grammar.
* …your comment disagrees with Frank J.
* …your comment agrees with Harvey.
* …your comment expresses a neutral opinion of Basil.
* …your comment even mentions spacemonkey.
* …your comment contains the word “hippie” and “punch” is not within five words of it.
* …your ip address is from Delaware.
* …a random number generator determines to do so.

If your comment is moderated, don’t panic. It just means your comment will have to wait until someone looks at it and approves. As to who does that, I honestly have no idea. Maybe it’s hackers; point is, eventually it will get looked at. Also, your ip address will be forwarded to the FBI just in case.

Happy commenting!

So even reporters are having trouble comprehending how absolutely impotent Obama’s budget is about the deficit. Yet Obama is still trying to convince the last few morons who take him seriously that he’s making big cuts or something. Here’s what he claimed: “To use an analogy that families are familiar with, we’re not going to be running up the credit card anymore.”

Dude, your budget is proposing 7.2 trillion in new debt over the next ten years; you obviously aren’t going to be running up the credit card because Discover ain’t touching that. And you think that is being fiscally responsible? This is not just at a level of not understanding economics; this is looking at a dollar bill and saying, “What in the world is that?”

And then Obama said this about budget cuts: “Let’s use a scalpel; let’s not use a machete.”

A SCALPEL?!! Do you see this massive jungle of debt growing outside choking everything? And you want to prick at that with a scalpel? Heck, even a machete is barely going to put a dent it. We need to agent orange that sucker. And that’s just to keep things from getting to the level where we need to nuke it from orbit.

Obama is later going to try to raise taxes. Obviously, it’s not to help reduce the deficit because there is no credible evidence he cares about such a thing. It will just be because of some weird fetish he has about confiscating other people’s money.

So it’s up to Republicans to save the country — which sucks, but that’s the way it is — and it’s up to Obama to be the enemy to that screaming about hurting seniors and poor people to try and get reelected because of how much we need his non-leadership for another four years. I’m not saying Obama is anti-American; I’m just saying if you’re pro-American, that’s going to require being very anti-Obama. Good luck to both America’s well-being and Obama’s political future — may the best one win.

A new planet has possibly been detected in our solar system, a gas giant four times bigger than Jupiter. It’s just really far out there which is why we never noticed it before.

My first thoughts are like, “Yay! Back to nine planets!” I really hated having only eight planets in our system in our solar system which is a stupid number to have and I didn’t want to teach Buttercup that, but then I got to thinking: Why is something so large hiding so far out in the Oort Cloud? This is a really big planet; it could easily beat up any of the other planets. But what it can’t do is take on all of us together — at least not without some planning. So why is it lurking out there? I don’t think it takes much speculation to go ahead and label it an enemy planet.

So what now? We could launch a nuke at it, but a normal nuke wouldn’t even be noticeable to a gas giant like it. We’d need one of those new Nuke+ missiles that they premiered in an advertisement during the Super Bowl. Remember — the one where it was like, “Now powerful enough to blow up three countries at once. Great for settling Middle East disputes.”

So we need to first strike this new planet… but what if it finds out? How would it find out, you ask? Well, can we really trust Pluto to still be on our side? This is our fault, really. How hard would it be when scientists were coming up with a formal definition of a planet to just add “and Pluto” to the end? Not hard at all. It’s just Pluto merchandise wasn’t selling very well so they decided to cut him off; it was nothing but scientific greed. And now Pluto is bitter and angry and looking for revenge. We used to have nine nice planets, and now we have eight good planets, a giant enemy planet, and a bitter, angry dwarf planet waiting to see us all dead. Bang up job, scientists!

So everyone was waiting on Obama’s new budget, and here it is: $7.2 trillion in new debt over the next ten years. Obama is not even trying anymore. He’s practically admitting the big issues of the day are to much for him and he’s not even go to attempt to do anything about them. Is he going to resign and find a job more at his level like news anchor? I don’t know, but it seems probable.

Anyway, I guess it’s up to me to save America once again and come up with how to cut the budget. First off, we need to across the board cuts — like everything needs to be cut 10%, doesn’t matter what it is. Nothing is off the table. Of course, people are going to whine and scream about these cuts and the Democrats are going to try and turn that into political capital rather than help save the country, so here’s where my genius comes in: We find someone to blame the cuts on.

Basically, the president (whoever that is after Obama resigns and Biden gets stuck in well), will say, “I really don’t want to have to cut Social Security and Medicare, but these budget demands came straight from corporate– Know what? Screw that! I’m marching right to corporate and demanding they don’t cut these programs!” Then a day later the president will come back and say, “I’m sorry, but those bastards in corporate just won’t budge. I tried to explain to them how much these cuts will hurt the average American, but they didn’t care. It’s all about the bottom line to them. Just know I fought hard for you, though.” Then the president will look up and shake his fist and scream, “Corporate!”

Now, all we need to do is make sure know one asks too many questions on who this corporate is and where they are, so let’s make sure only professional journalists get to ask questions. And then finally we get those needed harsh cuts and it’s none of our faults; it’s those heartless bastards in corporate. It’s like they have no idea what things are like for the average American; I hate those guys.

You think Olbermann avoids hostile crowds, but he showed up at CPAC:

(Psst — it’s secretly Steven Crowder)

Once you throw out the craziest results from the CPAC poll, it’s starting to look like Mitt Romney might be the current favorite for 2012.

Eh.

He’s just so politiciany. You can’t trust anything he says, but basically you’d vote for him because you think maybe he’s a particularly skilled politician. And he’s run businesses, which is a plus now. He was my back up choice in 2008 and he’s that again — if there’s absolutely no one interesting who would get the slightest excitement from me, then I guess we’ll go with Romney.

So, just in case, I started working on some presidential slogans for him because that is what I do.

ROMNEY PRESIDENTIAL SLOGANS

Romney 2012: I feel no particular animus towards him.

Maybe Hugh Hewitt can be enthused enough for all of us.

The back up college of presidential candidates.

A younger Bob Dole for president.

Romney 2012: Because no one else seemed particularly interesting.

He’s not just another cookie cutter WASP — this one’s Mormon!

At least he’s not Huckabee.

I guess he looks like a president.

You don’t have to be excited; you just have to vote for him.

His positions as he currently states them align with mine.

Whatever.