* Reports are that Obama will be announcing a $300 billion jobs plan in his speech… I guess tomorrow. I don’t when it is; who cares really.

So Obama already spent $800 billion in “stimulus”, and there weren’t any jobs. But give him $300 billion more and this time he’ll make jobs. For reals.

Republicans need to turn to Obama and tell him, “You can’t make any jobs because you’re a dummy. We could get more effective use out of the money by burning it because that would at least produce warmth. Here’s a bag of golf balls; go to the driving range and stay out of everyone’s way.” Except they won’t say that because Boehner has decided not to give a response to the speech, considering it beneath his concern — something most Americans have already concluded. Pelosi is calling this disrespectful. So now not going on TV and telling everyone what a useless dummy Obama is is disrespectful. Because all Obama really wants is attention.

Anyway, here’s my idea to raise government revenue and help close the deficit: Have Obama yell out his jobs plan to passersby from a dunking booth. $20 a ball.

* There’s a Republican debate tonight at 8pm ET which will be Rick Perry’s first — if he can make. Currently he’s in Texas because his state caught fire. If he doesn’t make it, expect his opponents to hit him on this.

ROMNEY: “Know what I didn’t do while I was governor of Massachusetts? Burn down my state.”

BACHMANN: “We make sure our state can’t catch fire by covering it in snow and ice.”

RON PAUL: “Fire is not in the Constitution!”

* And with all the polling showing Rick Perry well ahead in the primary, Mitt Romney is not about to give up. He’s come up with a 59 point plan to help the economy that is 160 pages along. I haven’t read it all because… it’s a 160 page plan about the economy and I have other things to do. Still, I know that point 28 of his plan is “??” and point 59 is “Profit”.

* Debbie Wasserman Schultz (I checked; that actually is the name she goes by) says that “the Republicans who think the Recovery Act [stimulus] didn’t work are simply wrong.” But the independents and Democrats who think it didn’t work are right?

Really, this is what the Democrats are going to run on in 2012? Just point to the nation and say, “This is what $800 billion in awesome recovery looks like!”? $800 billion is more money than we can wrap our brains around, and they just wasted it all. It’s Brewsters Billions – can you spend $800 billion without helping the economy? It’s a challenge, but they did it.

Actually, Nancy Pelosi has now banned the use of the word “stimulus” because they realize what a huge epic failure it was and that they better not bring it up. Next one — which Obama will be proposing — will get called “job creation” — like any of them know anything about jobs. We can’t all be community organizers; some people have to do something useful.

* If you want to watch something funny, here’s Jake Tapper pressing Carney on why the White House won’t respond to Hoffa’s remarks. Apparently, back in 2008, Obama called on McCain to apologize for what a speaker who introduced him said, but Obama doesn’t think he needs to even acknowledge the thug who introduced him from his own event. It’s an obvious double standard, and all Carney can do is squirm like a hooked worm.

But look what some left-winger produced in his hate: You get to kill Tea Partiers in the forms of zombies. The left talk about peace and call their opponents Nazis, but push them just a little bit and all they’re fantasizing about bashing in the brains of anyone who disagrees with them.

I just hope the next time liberals act all outraged about something someone says, we know to tell them, “Shut up, you’re not actually outraged by this. You’re just a useless partisan tool; if you didn’t think the outrage gave you a political advantage, you wouldn’t even care. As evidence to this, I point to all of history of the left.” Remember the Paul Wellstone funeral? Remember the left immediately moving to action to try to score political points against their opponents out of Gifford’s being shot in the head? Remember how Michael Moore’s first reaction to 9/11 was that it should have been targeted at Republicans? There’s a point at which partisan politics replaces basic human emotion, and that’s where the left is constantly hanging out. If you surrender your humanity for politics, you have no business trying to figure out what’s best for people.

* Obama has apparently told the Pentagon to cut troop levels down to 3,000. This is way below what the generals wanted, but Obama probably knows better from all his military experience from… I don’t know where I’m going with this sentence.

It was pretty irresponsible to put Obama in charge of the military. Maybe, instead of playing golf, he could play some Call of Duty to at least become a little bit familiar with military concepts. Or if that’s too violent, how about Super Mario Brothers — just something where he’s trying to fight the enemy and win. Maybe Bubble Bobble.

* Wisdom of the Day: “How strange is our world when one of the biggest stories of the day is whether we will be able to leave our shoes on to get on an airplane?” –Rich Galen

* Just submitted a manuscript to HarperCollins this morning. It will be a short ebook under their Broadside Books imprint and should hopefully come out in November. What’s it about? Maybe I’ll tell you when there’s a firm title, but know what you can do? You can speculate in the comments! Anyway, the book will be very funny and you will all buy it. Every one of you. No exceptions.

* So on Labor Day, Obama met with some teamsters — yeah, you may have heard about teamsters on Mad Men or something, but they’re actually still around. Anyway, at the event, Jimmy Hoffa (with a name like that, you know he’s not corrupt) said about the Tea Party “President Obama, this is your army. We are ready to march. Let’s take these son of bitches out and give America back to an America where we belong.”

Now, some conservatives are upset that Obama didn’t condemn these remarks. See, the left has been constantly wetting their pants at supposedly violent right-wing rhetoric, but they seem quite unconcerned when anything intemperate comes from their side. I think by now, though, everyone knows not to take the left’s complaints about rhetoric seriously, and it’s pretty obvious that the left just likes wetting their pants — possible because it’s quicker than finding a bathroom.

Also, it’s kind of hard to be threatened by the teamsters; they’re just so quaint now. Union membership has been hugely declining for years and there is no real plan to change that, so unions are sort of like newspapers and typewriters. And it’s kind of cute for them to act all powerful — it’s like a little mouse squeaking about how it will take over the world. Was Obama supposed to say to it, “Bad mouse; you’re scaring people!” or should he have said, “That’s so cute. Here’s a piece of cheese.”?

One day we won’t have unions anymore, and then people will have to be lazy without all the organization.

* It’s Tuesday, so you know what that means: Obama’s hit new lows in another poll. He has 51% disapproval in a new NBC/WSJ poll. Obama’s big problem seems to be that he’s not very good at being president. Maybe to improve his poll numbers he could try to look less like someone completely in over his head who has no idea what he’s doing.

Or maybe he could have more rallies with unions. Everyone loves unions; they’re so cute!

* The US Post Office is on the brink of default. It could soon completely run out of money and then… what exactly do we use the post office for anymore? I guess Netflix disks. Well, I canceled the disk portion of Netflix when they raised the price, so I don’t care about that. I guess I also get a few bills, but they can e-mail those to me if they have to. Not really sure we even really need the post office anymore; it’s another one of those things that’s kind of quaint these days. And one of the reasons it’s running out of money is that its workers are unionized — double quaint!

* It’s nearing the tenth anniversary of 9/11, so expect lots of articles on the true meaning of 9/11 and how we overreacted and were mean to terrorists and stuff. I’m kind of dreading it.

Anyway, here’s an article about how the next 9/11 could be from nature. And you know the article is filled with scientific fact because it quotes Al Gore a lot. If nature attacks us, I wouldn’t like to bomb nature.

I’d love it.

* And there’s no reason for nature to be mad at us because scientists are working on ways to resurrect extinct species. That means we can ravage nature and then set everything back to normal — no harm no foul. It sounds like one of the first creatures they’re going to restore is the wooly mammoth, which is great news for anyone whose main complaint about elephants is that they aren’t large enough and aren’t hairy enough.

Could this lead to resurrecting dinosaurs and putting rocket launchers on them? Well, we don’t have much dinosaur DNA, plus Obama has put tough regulations on rocket launchers and what animals you can mount them on (because he hates America). You’d think Obama would really support bringing dinosaurs back to life; if we could bring back dinosaurs, maybe we could bring back unions.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Cats: Keeping your pill bottles under your sofa since 1909.” –Dan Harmon

* Friend of IMAO author Mike Williamson has a new novel out today, Rogue, a sequel to The Weapon, though the novel is also a stand alone story.

Baen needs to start getting their books on Kindle, though. I know they have their own DRM free distribution, but it’s a convenience thing. They publish novels about the future, so they should know people in the future like convenience. And shooting aliens.

* In Britain, they’ve taken seven children away from their parents for being too fat. That’s great, because I think everyone agrees things aren’t hard enough already on fat kids so we also need to take away their parents. I can just imagine the court hearing with a lawyer pointing at the kids and saying, “Look how fat they are! They’re FAT! Let’s take their parents away!” Then a social worker will come to the crying children and say, “Sorry, but you’re just too fat to have parents.” And the whole time Michelle Obama will be standing in the back of the courtroom, pointing and laughing. She sure hates fats kids. Don’t we all?

* Just in time for Obama’s big job speech (aren’t you excited for it!), it’s being reported that zero jobs were created last month. That’s the first time that’s happened since 1945, the year my dad was born (he’s very old). Obama appeared on TV for a quick statement saying, “Thanks to my hard work, no one lost their job last month.” He then added in a really snotty voice, “You’re welcome!”

I think I helped contribute to our record zero jobs growth, as I didn’t create any jobs last month. Then again, I did work hard at my job and participate in the economy, so it’s not too unlikely I contributed to a job being created. Pretty unlikely Obama did, though.

* New White House report says that unemployment should remain above 9% throughout the 2012 election. This is bad news for Obama, because when people are asked whether they like 9% unemployment, and overwhelming majority says, “No, I do not like it.” And when asked if they’d rather unemployment be lower or higher, and overwhelming majority says they would like unemployment to be lower — and that’s the direction Obama can’t make unemployment go.

What is going to be Obama’s reelection argument going to be for this? “Remember: I inherited a horrible unemployment rate from Bush… and then I made it higher and it stayed higher.”

* New Rasmussen poll has Rick Perry — and only Rick Perry — beating Obama. Perry is considered further to the right than a lot of the other candidates — Romney, specifically — so the main argument against him is electability, but that’s not looking like an issue so far. Along with how Perry is polling against the other Republican candidates in the primary, it’s starting to look like its his primary to lose. All he has to do is avoid a big misstep, like strangling a puppy on camera. I mean, you see that puppy staring at you with those big puppy eyes and you so want to strangle it, but you first have to make sure there are no cameras around. America has never elected a puppy strangler.

* FEMA has started to use the term “federal family”. I never thought of the federal government as family, but I guess it is in the way you get to choose your friends, but you don’t get to choose your family. I mean, technically, we’re supposed to be able to choose our federal government, but it just doesn’t seem that way. It’s like if one of my close friends was a murderous psycho with a knife — but not because I wanted to be friends with him but because I was forced to choose a murderous psycho as a friend and he was the best one I could get. I sure hope he doesn’t stab me. But the federal government will be the federal government, and there’s not much I can do about it because it’s family.

* For some reason, the White House has started some online petition site. It’s been my position for some time that online petition are pretty much the most useless thing in the history of man — even more so than online polls. In fact the only thing I can think of that’s more useless is Barack Obama… and right now he says he’ll respond to petitions that get more than 5,000 signatures. Hmm… what should we start a petition on. Well, I don’t like all the spending, and I still would like to pay a lot less in taxes… Oh! I know! A petition to hunt down and execute whoever is responsible for clamshell packaging.

* Obama invited a bunch of NASCAR drivers to the White House, but five of the drivers said they won’t be attending due to “scheduling conflicts”. That’s kind of rude. I mean, I understand NASCAR drivers not wanting to hang with Obama, but Obama also probably really doesn’t want to meet NASCAR drivers. This whole being honored at the White House thing is just something you have to do and both sides should just grit their teeth and get it over with. This is just wrong; I’m going to start an online petition against it.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Alaska woman punches bear in face to save her dog. Not sure, but I think by state law that automatically makes her the new Governor.” –Fred Thompson

* Crowder has a new video today with some interesting perspective on the federal gasoline tax. Did you know part of it is to keep union workers employed? Of course it is.

* Have a fun Labor Day weekend, y’all! And watch tomorrow night as Boise State whups Georgia!

* I’ve always thought Obama was a useless idiot starting all the way back to the 2008 campaign and have thought pretty much everything he’s done as president has been a misstep, and yet somehow he still keeps slipping under my expectations. So Obama wants to give a big speech about his new jobs program before Congress during primetime when we’re already well aware he has nothing useful to say based on his last couple dozen speeches. That’s dumb enough, but he decides to put the speech up against a Republican primary debate and has his press secretary act all ignorant about it. It’s so dumb and petty and way beneath the president — I even would have assumed it was beneath Obama.

But little orange Boehner stood up to Obama and he backed down and moved the speech from next Wednesday to Thursday. Can’t we possibly wait another day for Obama’s super important jobs speech? And if it’s so important, why not just tell us about it now and get working on it this week?

Really, why do we keep paying attention to this guy?

* And for those getting tired of Obama, there’s now an iPhone app to help out. It counts down the time left in Obama’s presidency while also displaying the unemployment rate, current gas prices, housing values, the national debt, and Obama’s current approval ratings. So liberals shouldn’t get angry about it, because all it’s doing is reporting facts.

And it’s not the only right-wing app. I mean, everyone is well aware that the Angry Birds game — with it’s enraged birds smashing pigs — is supposed to represent the Tea Parties, right?

* In news even worse than what Obama is doing to our country, look what George Lucas just did to the end of Return of the Jedi for the Blu-ray edition:

Yes, George Lucas took one of the most mocked scenes in the entire series — Vader’s loud “Noooooo!” at the end of Revenge of the Sith — and decided we need more of that ruining the few good scenes left in the movie. The claim that George Lucas is trying to improve the old movies is just unbelievable. Occam’s Razor is that Lucas hates all Star Wars fans and would like to personally rape and murder all of us, but since he can’t practically do that, he’s doing the next best thing and slowly destroying these movies bit by bit in front of us in a methodical, torturous process. One day, they’ll have been so changed for so long we’ll show the movies to our children and not even be able to remember why we liked them in the first place. All good memories of Star Wars must be destroyed; that’s George Lucas’s mission.

* Now that the shuttle program has ended, do you wonder what NASA officials are up to? They’re getting arrested protesting us getting cheaper oil. How the space agency has fallen. If Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin knew this was the future of NASA, they probably would have just stayed on the moon and started a Heinleinian libertarian society.

* So Representative Andre Carson is standing by his remarks that tea partiers want to lynch minorities. Some people look at the hatred of the past and are horrified, and I guess other look at it and said, “Wow! Bigotry sure is useful politically! I wonder if I can apply it to other things than just race.”

People like Carson should not be allowed to mingle with normal, civilized people; he’s just a mindless idiot who throws out race-baiting because he’s too dumb to have any actual arguments. He should be shunned to the kiddie table along with the KKK. Moron bigots like him shouldn’t be a part of the adult discussion and instead should have to sit in the corner and rant alone to themselves. Is that really too much to ask?

* An anti-corruption official in China was found dead from eleven stab wounds. Police ruled it a suicide. Nothing to see here.

Now the leaders of the Chinese government — there’s some people I wouldn’t mind seeing hanging from a tree.

* Actor Matthew Fox was charged with assault for hitting a woman multiple times while under the influence of alcohol. Maybe Fox didn’t mean to do it; maybe he was having a weird flashback.

* Wisdom of the Day: “When I was little, I called pita bread ‘Peter bread.’ I think this is why my parents got divorced.” –Rob Delaney

* Starting yesterday (Wednesday is new comic book day as everyone knows), DC Comics has rebooted all their series. Every series is going to issue one (including Detective Comics and Action Comics, both of which I believe made it past 900 issues), and the past history for all the characters is wiped out so new readers can jump in and not get overwhelmed with decades of backstory. And I think there will be some big changes to, such as Superman is now gay and Aquaman no longer is. Just rumors.

Wish we could do a Washington DC reboot like this. All past history is wiped out and the government has to start over with the spending levels it first started with George Washington was president. Reboots are popular these days; we should try selling that.