Archive of entries posted on 20th January 2012

Nuke the News: Eye of Newt

Posted by on

* So, Newt surged to be frontrunner a month or so back and then everyone just kind of faded on him because, well, he’s Newt and he’s unstable. But I guess Romney marching to the nomination was just too bitter a pill to swallow as — BOOM! — Newt is surging in popularity again and it’s looking like he’s going to win South Carolina. Are we really going to do this?

Yeah, it’s fun to see Newt yell at moderators and we want to see him do that at Obama too, but the guy says some crazy stuff. And not always crazy conservative stuff. He’s a bomb, and we never know if he’s going to blow up the enemy or explode in our faces.

Then again, Romney is so boring and useless. It’s going to be a big effort to get anything done about the debt and the size of government, and I don’t see moderate Romney making the attempt. I’m almost of the mind that if we’re going to fail, let’s at least fail spectacularly.

So maybe we should stand behind Newt… but far behind. With a bomb shield in between us.

* BTW, here’s video from last night’s debate of Newt belittling the moderator for bringing up Newt’s crazy personal life:

I have to admit, that’s fun to watch. And if you imagine Obama in place of the moderator, that would be awesome. Would it win an election? I don’t know. But it just seems like someone really needs to publicly lecture Obama on how much he sucks.

* BTW, is Rick Santorum still around? Despite winning Iowa and doing well other places, no one seems to talk about him and everyone acts like the race is Romney and Newt. I think he’s just too whiny for people to envision as president. Plus, I’ve still never understood what his qualifications are supposed to be as he served as Senator a little while but I don’t know of anything too important he’s done. Still, he brought the long knives to the debate last night and was the first person to really go after Romney on Romneycare. If only Tim Pawlenty could have done the same.

* Obama went to Disney World. I heard no one was able to wear those Mickey ears hats as Obama was convinced they were making fun of him.

Know what, it just looks right him standing in front of Cinderella’s castle. Maybe he should stay there and be the Disney World president who tourists come to get photos with… you know, and someone more serious could handle the actual presidenting job. Or Newt.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon G.:

Santorum would make a good town elder in Footloose.

* A monkey thought to be extinct has been rediscovered in the jungles of Borneo. Man, every time I think we’re making progress…

Random Thoughts

Posted by on

The Keystone pipeline would make greens unhappy, and can you put a price tag on happiness? If you did, it’s apparently billions of dollars

“I have invented colorful dough that kids can mold into shapes. I shall name it after myself.” -Plato

Nominating Newt is one of those plans you’d suffix with “It’s so crazy, it just might work!”

2nd look at Newt! (or are we up to 3rd now?)

I have no idea whether Newt would be a good or bad president, but I’m absolutely certain he’d be a hilarious one.

If you don’t care so much about winning as you do making sure the election season is crazy awesome, Newt is the way to go.

Mitt or Newt? Do we choose to die of boredom or in a massive explosion?

Newt 2012: “Hug the grizzly bear and hope for the best.”

“Newtonium is a powerful, unstable element that could easily kill us all when handled.”
“I only heard ‘powerful’.”

We Republicans set our expectations way too high by having any.

I know this slate of candidates looks bad, but I’m political satirist, so all I see is a secure financial future. If we can somehow get Newt to be president, that alone should propel me into the 1%.

Today is the day I finally teach Buttercup to say, “Arrr!” like a pirate.

The Republican primary reminds of that year with American Idol where Sanjaya kept sticking around while actual good singers were voted off.

I WATCH AMERICAN IDOL WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE I’M A GOOD HUSBAND!!!

If you’ve designed a government that relies on good competent people to run it, you’ve designed a government to fail.

Romney: “Let me just talk a lot until you tune out and assume I answered the charge.”

Why is Ron Paul still in debates? I know they usually go by polling on who should attend, but shouldn’t there be a nuttiness standard?

There’s nothing easier than coasting as a legislator. It’s not much by itself to run on.

The best way for someone as rich as Romney to get more sympathy is to bring into his home an adorable orphan.

Why do I care about Mitt Romney’s tax returns? Does he owe me something?

Ron Paul doesn’t take lobbyist money. He sticks to honest racist newsletter money.

In a better world, our income wouldn’t even be the government’s business.

Government works for us. We need to see its budget, not the other way around.

They’d hire 500,000 Americans if enough of them would work for $0.10 an hour.

We like outsourcing poverty.

I don’t like borders. I don’t like foreign countries touching us.

A Lincoln-Douglas debate is just like a regular debate but with stovepipe hats. In other words, a Lincoln-Douglas debate IS AWESOME!

Microsoft apps

Posted by on

Microsoft is developing a new app for their phones. And a lot of people are getting their panties in a wad over it.

The app is still under development, but word of it has leaked out, as has the working title of the app: Avoid The Ghetto.

According to the patent filing, the app is to help a pedestrian avoid “traveling through an unsafe neighborhood or being in an open area that is subject to harsh temperatures.” It uses weather data, crime stats, and such to make the determination.

Well, the NAACP is all up in arms over that. Or is going to be:

“I’m going to be up in arms about it if it happens,” said Dallas NAACP President Juanita Wallace.

Wallace spent her afternoon at a rally on Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. and said she felt safe there, but fears the app may project otherwise.

“Can you imagine me not being able to go to MLK Blvd. because my GPS says that’s a dangerous crime area? I can’t even imagine that,” she said.

The thing she’s missing is that it won’t say that MLK Boulevard is a high crime area unless, well, stats show it’s a high crime area.

You think maybe the problem isn’t that people are pointing out that crime occurs, but that crime occurs? Nah, that’d make too much sense to actually address the real problem, when fake outrage over fake problems is much more fun.

But, you know, maybe Microsoft is on to something. I wonder what other apps they could develop.

  • Avoid The Idiots. Using voter registration roles, it could find where Democrats live, and then you could avoid having to deal with idiots.
  • Avoid The Tide. Using college records, it could find where Alabama fans live and help you not get someone’s wang thrust in your face.
  • Avoid The Crazy Women. Using information from Facebook, dating sites, and news stories, it will help you avoid hooking up with the future Ex-Mrs. Ex-Speaker Of The House. (Boy, could I have used this one, once upon a time!)

There are probably several apps that could be developed that would be of benefit.

Maybe I need to rethink my position on Microsoft being all evil and such.