In Ron Paul’s new fundraiser, he’s going to dance while people throw nickels at him.

I heard in a speech the other day, Obama announced he’s going to do something. That’s always been a bad idea. He’s just not good at that.

Obama should practice standing still, smiling, and waving at people. I think he could get really good at that.

I don’t like to criticize people in the military, but if you’re going to pee on dead Taliban, maybe you shouldn’t videotape it.

Of course, there are lots of thing I don’t understand why people would videotape. Like Meghan McCain talking politics.

To keep the left from complaining, the next time we occupy a country the military should just claim it’s to protest their banks.

Pretty much every modern crime procedural is just a ripoff of Scooby Doo.

Before using a urinal, I always check it for dead Taliban so I don’t get in trouble.

I’m not in the military, but it is in my company’s employee handbook not to pee on corpses.

Is it always wrong to pee on corpses? Like let’s say you just killed Hitler and you also had drank a whole pot of coffee. So, you really have to go, but you don’t see a bathroom around. But, right there in front of you, there’s dead Hitler.

Remember how the media kept explaining a shoe thrown at Bush’s head was a big insult in the Middle East. Wonder if the Middle East media is doing same thing about peeing on corpses. “In the West, peeing on a corpse is a huge insult, somewhat similar to our hitting people with a shoe.”

That’s right; our Marines should stick to the culturally sensitive hitting corpse in the face with shoes.

Have we nominated Romney yet?

Maybe we need one more debate where they can weigh in on peeing on Taliban. Also, I’d like here more about their views on contraception.

And the doctor said, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed! In fact, put them in cages; they’re monkeys.”

Panda bears don’t often mate successfully in captivity because the best pickup lines are learned in the wild.

Marsupials kind of seem like a hack fix to the whole live birth problem.

I remember reading Newsweek as a kid, but now I’m a responsible adult and they’re the ones trolling on the internet.

Of course, even as a teenager, I found their stories patronizing.

So is Newsweek sticking to left-wing trolling, or will they have a cover of “Why the Star Wars prequels are better than the original.”?

“So we’re just going to try trolling for attention now. So who do we want as a writer?”
“Andrew Sullivan.”
“Genius.”

Tried to show Buttercup how to jump. She just does squats while yelling “Jump! Jump!” over and over.

Don’t remember that from any child development list: When are they supposed to be able to jump?

I don’t get why we care about Golden Globes. What kind of cash prize do they come with?

If Martin Luther King were alive today, I’d hope he work somewhere that gave him MLK Day off.

Sure judging people by the color of their skin versus the content of their character is bad, but there is a huge time savings.

Man, tough pill to swallow to realize that Romney as our president is the best case scenario.

To be honest, what’s left with these debates except to find out how much buyer’s remorse we have about Romney?

Voter ID is a duh issue. You’re either for voter fraud or you aren’t. All the other stances are BS.

Here’s my grand vision for the future: giant robots stomping on Taliban. They’ll hate us for our giant robots. And fear us.