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Bernie Quigley excused Elizabeth Warren’s pathetic lie about her Native American heritage, saying “It is not so much a lie as it is the acculturation of personal and regional American myth; the fabric of old-soul American consciousness.”
Ridiculous.
Americans are winners. The Indians lost.
Nothing to be ashamed of, though. Americans can at least respect tough fighters. That’s why – even after 40 years of the Cold War – liquor stores still sold “vodka” instead of “All-American Tater Whiskey.” With Native Americans, we honor their relentless spirit with our sports team names, like “Indians” and “Redskins” and “Chiefs.” There’s a reason you’ll never see a team called “Hippies”, or “Biebers”, or “National Organization for Women.”
Warren might as well brag about being 1/32 Chicago Cub.
But if she wanted to just make something up based on “old-soul American consciousness,” why not embrace her inner cowboy? They successfully tamed a land while providing its citizens with tasty steaks. Plus they invented the silver bullet, which has kept our great nation werewolf-free for over 150 years.
Or why not 1/32 Chinese? They built railroads, kept our laundry sparkling white (using their powerful ancient Chinese secrets) and discovered the fold-top cardboard take-out food container.
Yeah, yeah, I know – a woman without brown eyes or straight, black hair claiming to be Chinese… who’d believe THAT?
Harvard, I suppose.
Bunch of losers. Haven’t been to a Rose Bowl since 1920. Might as well be the Cubs.
The most ancient of ancient Chinese secrets is what kind of meat is really in your pork fried rice.
Q. Why didn’t Elizabeth Warren claim to be 1/32 cowboy? A. Too white.
Liberals. 31/32’s hopeless.
About 1 out of 32 will make a conversion to Conservatism at some point.
Because cowboys are expected to be tough, individualistic, and hard-working. Simple enough, eh?
We went to see Battleship tonight.
It was Awesome.
I had to suspend my disbelief about as frequently as the movie suspended the laws of physics (which was about every 5 minutes) but we still enjoyed it.
The guy with the prosthetic legs was super extra awesome.
PS: All-American Tater Whiskey?
Does that go well with ‘freedom fries’?
All the losers stayed home in Europe, but unfortunately they were breeding a virus of superuselessness that has spread to some of their American cousins.
Sports teams? We name things like this to honor tough fighters:
http://www.boeing.com/rotorcraft/military/ah64d/index.htm
I think that Bernie Quigley wrote that after imbibing too much All-American Tater Whiskey, or possibly after smoking some wacky tobacky and, in a mirror image of Bill Clinton’s behavior, never exhaling.
“Why Didn’t Elizabeth Warren Claim to Be 1/32 Cowboy?” That’s easy. The only way a mediocre troll like her could get a job is to be exploitative. Side note: One of your best Harvey.
Obama: “My great, great grandfather (who was great like me) was a tribal chieftain in Kenya. Therefore I am 1/32 smart. Plus I am 3/4 Good, which makes me a g-od.”
“And that makes Michelle 64/32 Kardashian. Heh.”
Come to think of it, since a lot of cowboys were in fact black, claiming cowboy ancestry also automatically gives you a leg up in the “diversity” sweepstakes!