Barack: Dudes, dudes.  Don’t look now, but I think we’re being followed. Check out the scary dudes in the black suits. They’ve, like, been watching us and stuff.

Bill: That’s your security detail, you nimrod.

Barack: Are you sure, dude?  Are you sure? I’ve been seeing them around a lot, dude. Like all of the time. I think they want to steal my DNA.

Bill: Why in the world would they want to steal the DNA from some loser like you?  Can you even hear yourself talking?  Do you know how crazy you sound?

Barack: Dude, like who wouldn’t want my DNA?  I mean, just look at me, dude.  Just look at me.  Just look at me.  I’m stunning.  I’m an Adonis.  The pinnacle, dude.  I am like the freaking pinnacle of human evolution.  Just imagine a race of beings based entirely on my DNA.  Utopia achieved dude.  Achieved.

Joe: John Kerry would sure be happy.  All those you’s to bang.  He’d be banging you all dude.

Barack: Enough, enough, enough.  I did not bang John Kerry.  And besides, I thought he was a woman.

Bill: You totally banged him, dude.  Just fess up and own it.  It’s okay to do gay stuff nowadays.  Things they are a changing you know dude.

Joe: Oh, dudes.  Oh, dudes.  Oh, dudes.  I just had another, like, brilliant idea, dudes.  This is exactly why everyone calls me the intellect of the party.

Bill: You know, no one really says that about you, dude.  No one says that.  No one at all.

Joe: Shut up, shut up, shut up.  Just shut up and listen for a minute.  And they do to totally call me the intellect of the party.

Bill: They totally do not.  They do not.

Joe: Ok, ok, ok.  You know, those Westboro Baptist dudes?  You know them? You know them, right?  You know how they are always like totally blaming hurricanes and earthquakes and stuff on the gays?  You know how the gays cause all that stuff? Now that you are banging Kerry, you can totally do that, dude.  You are like, super dude.  You can go and bang Kerry and then, bam, devastation in North Korea.  Bang Kerry, and then, bam, tornados in those bitter, clingy flyover states.

Barack: I am totally not banging Kerry.  Not banging him.

Joe: Ok, ok, ok. With great power comes great responsibility. You can’t handle it dude.  I thought you could handle it, but you apparently can’t handle it.  You can’t handle it.  Ok, I’ll do it then.  I’ll bang Kerry.  I’ll bang Kerry for you. It’s for the greater good.

Barack: Fine.  You do that.  You bang Kerry to your heart’s content.

Bill: Quick, quick, quick.  Hide me.  Don’t let her see me.

Barack: Who?  What are you talking about?

Bill: Her, her, her.  Right over there.

Barack: Who is she? What is this about?

Bill: I was finally able to hook up with my High School crush.  But now she wants to be all exclusive and stuff.  Can you believe this?  She wants me to take her to her Junior Prom.  Unbelievable.

Joe: Dude, I can’t believe you banged a high school chick.  You totally rock. No wait, is that even legal?

Bill: She was barely legal.

Joe: So I guess that means you are barely not a pedophile.

Barack: As long as she didn’t lie to you, dude.  As long as she didn’t lie to you.  But unless she got held back a few years, a junior isn’t legal.  She wasn’t legal dude. There is no way she was legal.

Bill: And that is one of the reasons why I am always telling you two losers that honesty is so important in a relationship.  I’ve dated some liars, so I can tell you how much that totally sucks, dude.  And what totally sucked was that some of my girlfriends wouldn’t just lie, but they would lie about extremely important stuff, you know.  You probably remember all of the media circus and stuff.  They would lie about very serious stuff, you know.  They would like say I was abusive and tried to force myself on them and did stuff with cigars and stuff like that, you know, when they had promised me, they promised, that they would keep quiet about all of that stuff.  They swore to me.  Terrible liars.

Joe: Oh dudes.  It’s another idea.  I feel another idea coming.  Ok, dudes, if gays have magical weather-controlling powers, maybe pedophiles do too. Quick, Bill.  Try and do something.  Make that hippy explode or something.

Bill: Just a minute.  Just a minute. I can smell the choom fumes.  We’re definitely getting closer.

Obama: I just love the smell of choom fumes in the morning. Or in the afternoon.  Or in the evening.  Or in the Oval Office.  Just about anywhere, actually.  Reminds me of my college days.  I’d get high for breakfast with the gang, slink into class about 10 minutes late, slump down in my desk and pray to Allah that no one would ask me any questions. I was the best Con Law professor ever.

Bill: Ok, I’ve got the dog.  Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!

Cut Scene (Bill, Joe, Kerry and Hillary are entering the Oval Office)

Bill: come on. We’ve got a surprise for you.

Joe: Totally, dudes. A big surprise.

Hillary: A dog skeleton?  Seriously, guys.  Your surprise is a dog skeleton? That is just sick.

Barack: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing, dudes.

Kerry: That is so wrong.  So wrong dudes.

Hillary: You know what the worst thing is, dudes, about eating a whole dog?  Everything I just said. Everything I said is the worst.  Every word.  There is nothing not wrong about that, dude.  Nothing.  Not a thing.

Joe: No, no, no, no, no, no.  This just proves my point.  It proves my point.  Proof of concept.  This is proof of concept.  It’s totally proof of concept.  It’s proof.  He’s kind of black, right.  He’s like half black or something, right. There’s some black in there.  And he was like starving.  Starving.  Totally starving.  So he is kind of like a starving African.  Then he ate the dog, and now he is not.  Not starving.  Not starving anymore.  Not starving at all. I’m shipping the abused dogs to Africa.  I’m shipping them.

Barack: I ate too much.

Kerry: Come here.  It looks like you need a massage.

Barack: Why can’t I quit you?

Joe: Now wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  I’m having another idea.  Now aren’t black people, like, cannibals and stuff?  The black people are, like, starving. And we have terrorists to drone and blow up and stuff.  Totally, ready-cooked meals, dude.  Oh, I am so totally getting a Nobel Peace Prize for solving world hunger.