Straight Line of the Day: A New Study Shows Heavy Internet Use Causes Anxiety. The Worst Part of the Internet…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

91 Comments

  1. The worst part of the internet…

    … are the studies that ignore the calming effect the internet has on the rest of us.
    … are the folks who remember their screennames but hesitate when they have to actually recall their Given name.
    … is still tons better than having to deal with SOME people face-to-face.

  2. …is that once something is said on the internet, it will be referenced as an indisputable fact. Once it’s referenced as an indisputable fact, it will be re-referenced and cross-referenced and self-referenced again and again until the source of the “fact” – some unemployed loser sitting in his mom’s basement and making stuff up is elevated to authoritative status simply by the volume of references to his “fact”.

    …the NSA keeps reading all my posts, but they never click “like”

  3. …that feeling that there’s 2-3 people standing right over your shoulder watching everything you do.

    …that in retrospect, giving up any sense of personal privacy in exchange for access to cat videos seems like a really bad deal.

  4. …is the unflinching proof of the axiom “if you give any random person a live microphone capable of broadcasting to the entire world, that most people will choose to say something really really stupid”.

  5. A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    are sites that won’t let you leave. No matter what you click on you can’t get out. End up having to reboot the damn computer. What do these people expect to achieve? “OH, what a site, I think I’ll bookmark it!”?

  6. …you are one keystroke from making the worst mistake of your life and you just can’t stop yourself, again.

    …you really do get those cookies, but Rick Astley delivers them.

    …is that you completely forget that you are actually a frog in a pot of water.

    …is that stupidity trumps whatever brilliance you just displayed.

    …is 100% of the anxiety is caused by wives and significant others discovering what exactly you use the internet for.

  7. … IMAO doesn’t update as often as I refresh the page.

    … Signing hundreds of internet petitions, and we still haven’t nuked the moon.

    … LOLcats X-rated fanfiction.

    … The most brilliant comeback you ever thought of, and it’s lost between spam and poorly worded insults written in all-caps.

  8. A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet is that one can get pretty anxious wondering if the kids will recognize that girl in the video as their mother.

  9. A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet is that Chinese government has decided that the HealthCare.gov site is a more effective form of torture than bamboo shoots under the fingernails.

  10. A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet is that somewhere there’s a legitimate Nigerian prince going mad from having to type, “…BUT I REALLY AM A NIGERIAN PRINCE!!!”

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