President Obama has a lot of things to be thankful for this year.  Here are just a few.

• He is exempt from ACA.
• Thanks to the Ferguson riots, he now has a new community to organize.
• The grim, looming specter of President Biden is still oddly comforting, like a warm, safe security blanket.
• Thanks to his Hollywood connections, his semi-autobiographical screenplay for The Parent Trap 2* has been green lit.
• The stupidity of the American journalist.
• Thanks to the fine print in his executive amnesty, it doesn’t matter anymore that he was born in Kenya.
• ISIS hasn’t beheaded any African Americans yet, so he didn’t have to fake outrage at them for their racism.
• Michelle isn’t in charge of the Thanksgiving menu this year.
• Due to some savvy lawyering, he was permitted to remain alive even though Satan officially took possession of his soul in 2008.
• His kids don’t have to attend a public school using Common Core.
• He was told he could be a judge when the War on Women had their bikini carwash fundraiser for the 2016 elections.
• He’s still popular among African Americans.
• Frank J has been too busy to mock him for a few weeks.
• There are plenty of plump, little doggies at the pound.
• The millions of new Latin citizens are already used to obeying tyrannical dictators posing as Presidents.
• SCIENCE!**
• And of course, he is most thankful for President Obama. No matter how bad things seem, just imagine how much worse it would be for him if he were not in charge.

*The twins, played by Lindsay Lohan, meet up in rehab while they are both pregnant and then they work together to reconcile each other to their respective baby-daddies (played by Barack), who happens to be the same man, their pimp/dealer, and who also has no idea there are two of them.

**SCIENCE! is a trademark of the political left and is only recognized as valid if it forwards the progressive agenda. All else is not truly SCIENCE! For further information regarding acceptable SCIENCE! please see theministryoftruth.gov.

I was talking recently to a young man who had never had coffee, and he asked me what it tastes like.

I pondered a moment and told him it tastes like suffering.

But this led me to wonder… how *would* you describe the taste of coffee to someone who’s never had it?

I’m thinking “a mixture of grapefruit juice, leather, and dirt”.

Anyone else wanna take a whack at it, please do so in the comments.

UPDATE: Tangentially related, Sheldon Comics is tackling the topic of coffee right now:

Tuesday

Wednesday

I’m finally getting settled in Austin in my new job, so starting next week, I’m going to try to get to regular blog posts again… and not just ones urging you to buy my book (or my next one).

That said, have some of you not bought my book yet? If so, how can you look at your friends and family with the intense shame you have inside? You need to repent by buying lots of copies of my book (it’s the perfect stocking stuffer!).

And here’s me talking to Matt Lewis of the Daily Caller. And next week (December 2nd), I’ll be on Dennis Miller’s radio show (thanks, Harvey). You may know him from playing a radio show host in Joe Dirt. He did such a good job at it, he went on to host a real radio show. Quite a story. Anyway, lucky it’s radio I talk to him on so you can’t see me constantly furrowing my brow at the references he throws at me. That interview is not to be missed.