22 Comments

  9. I would nominate Rush Limbaugh to the Supreme Court. After the furor died down, I would announce that I was just kidding, and I’d nominate FrankJ.

    I would hold no press conferences.

    I would never give a speech to Congress. I’d mail a short letter about the state of the union to Congress.

    I don’t golf.

    I don’t have a comb-over (many people, in fact, don’t believe that I even have a comb).

    I have been known to participate in conversations without using the word “sad” or the word “huge”.

    I wouldn’t call the winning coach after the Super Bowl. Who wants to talk with Bill Belichick, anyway?

    I wouldn’t invite any sports teams to the White House.

    I would go to bed early every night and take a nap every afternoon.

    I would keep all my promises, which is pretty easy, because nearly all of them are promises not to do something.

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  11. I’m a founding member of the Get Off My Planet! Society and will help decrease the surplus population of leeches and mooches.

    I’m a strong believer in blowing heads clean off (and I mean neat-and-tidy CLEAN). It’s the only humane way – AND it reduces clean-up time!

    I don’t swear, smoke or drink. (God dämmit, I left my cigarettes at the bar.)

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    • Not to mention your stellar record at avoiding felony convictions. Although next time you are on the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction at Disneyland, you might want to avoid fist-pumping and yelling, “Witness!” when the pirate skull intones, “Dead men tell no tales.”

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  13. I have a uterus!!1!! That, all by itself, qualifies me to be President – unless you are some sort of misogynist h8er. Oh, having a uterus is a wonderful thing! It qualifies me to hold public office, to divert 50% of school funding for sports I have no interest in playing, to get government small business loans for businesses I have demonstrated no aptitude for running, to whine and b!tch and moan endlessly about Rape Culture and the Patriarchy, to wear silly hats depicting genitalia while simultaneously demanding to be taken seriously, to repeat endlessly dis-proven “statistics” as if they were facts, to scrape the non-person “products of conception” from said uterus at any time prior to birth, to dump the products of conception who managed to survive their 9-month infestation of my uterus in publicly subsidized day care, school, and after-school programs, all the while complaining that public support of such programs is insufficient, because Gaia knows I don’t have time to spend with those brats, seeing as how I have to keep my job in order to inspire them with what Womyn Power can accomplish – gosh, I am admirable for having a uterus! It enables me to do pretty much anything but feel safe in public toilet facilities from non-uterus-having persons who have elected to assert that their penises and testicles do NOT make them men. And who can blame them for wanting so desperately to have a uterus? Maybe they want to be President, too.

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  15. My Presidency would be 4 years of playing X-Box, grabbin’ my wifes booty when she’s not expecting it, watching NCIS, and reading Lucas Davenport novels. That’s pretty much it. I’d only ask Congress for one law to be passed, the comprehensive “Repeal All The B.S. Laws Of The Last 100 Years”. There wouldn’t be much of a cabinet since I’d abolish most cabinet positions that I decided were worthless (which is almost all of them). And I’d nominate Judge Judy for the Supreme Court (now that Judge Wapner has left us).

    Oh…there would be one other law passed…a law that would expressly forbid any Star Wars Movie from being bad for the next 20 years.

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