A free country is defined less by what you can vote on and more by what rights are never up for a vote.

The goal should be to make elections as irrelevant as possible such that one never feels their rights are on the line.

“Democracy dies in darkness.” Yeah, that’s the problem, geniuses: Trump hasn’t been covered enough these past two years.

Democracy Care Instructions:
1. Get it plenty of sunlight
2. Water twice daily
3. Never ever feed after midnight

A better slogan for the Washington Post would be “Smart as a post!” It’s clever.

So they’re not going to do the most obvious thing to make baseball more interesting and have the runner keep his bat?

There’s a lot about the trans issue I don’t understand, but I’m way too afraid to ask questions.

I’d love a law that prohibited the government from ever referring to anything as “free.”

I’m old fashioned. I always refer to Batman as “The Batman.”

It’s not helping rumors that Trump is actually a villainous pirate the way he keeps using phrases like “Avast, ye landlubbers!” and “Arr!”

So when am I actually going to be able to obtain a Nintendo Switch? I still haven’t gotten the Nintendo Classic I wanted.

I saw on the news today that Trump did something a lot of people didn’t like. Hopefully this is a small, isolated misstep.

Has anyone tried making fun of Trump? Maybe that will stop him.

Trump and the media should have a meeting at the bottom of an abandoned well and everyone should be invited.

You shouldn’t end your own tweets with BAM! Sad.

My kids want me to train them to be Batman/Batgirl. Do you know of any good karate/detective skills/brooding curriculum?

What we need is less of a MEdia and more of an USdia. BAM!

Angie Tribeca is so stupid, but it’s a lot of fun.

JUST IN: NBC News tweeted that Donald Trump tweeted that he would not be attending to WHCD.

An accurate thing to tell someone who is not very good at painting is “You’re worse than Hitler.”

Trump is always shutting down tough questions by shouting, “I’m gonna karate chop you!” but he’s never done it. I don’t think he knows how.

If you encourage Chelsea Clinton or run for political office, you should be punched like a common Nazi.

Should wait a decade to award best picture. Better idea what’s a significant and lasting film.

What are political speeches at Oscars supposed to accomplish other than remind those souring on Trump that the other side is insufferable?

Now if someone gave a political speech at the Oscars telling off everyone in that room, that would be awesome. And brave.

That was shocking when the Academy Awards’ security tackled and beat a producer of La La Land until he let go of his Oscar.

Forever after, people will give their Oscar acceptance speech while tensely keeping an eye out for a producer rushing toward the stage.

I didn’t care for this statue at the zoo, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be hippo critical.

It’s always been weird to tell my daughter of this futuristic thing of going to the moon and it all took place before I was born.

No talking about Syria until we reach a conclusion on this couch issue.

The government should shoot down Elon Musk’s Space X rocket before he hits us with moon rocks.

I’m scared of the moon. It’s kinda an inhospitable harlot.