Heck, this could’ve been one of Walrus’s polls, but an emu chased me out of the Polling Data Techno-Suite down to the atrium, so I’ll just post it this way. And it almost bit me in the atrium.

One of these two quotes are in the running for Biden’s putative inauguration speech. Which one would he go with on the steps of the Capitol?

The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds — pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking — I highly suggest you try it.

Or:

I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I’m a-gonna die here, an’ no sidewindin’ bushwackin’, hornswagglin’ cracker-croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter!