I apologize for the length of this post — but it’s not my fault.

I was merely going to post the title, being the sarcastic bastard I am.

Then I made the mistake of reading the first paragraph.

Humor lagniappe! But as I foolishly kept reading (never do that), the article kept getting funnier. So here it is in all its unparodyable glory.

FBI Investigates Whether the Dognapping of Lady Gaga’s Bulldogs Was Politically Motivated Because She Sang at Biden’s Inauguration
UK Daily Mail | February 26, 2021

The FBI is reportedly investigating whether the dognapping of Lady Gaga’s bulldogs was politically motivated because she sang at President Joe Biden’s inauguration last month.

According to The Sun, FBI agents who specialize in kidnapping and ransom cases are working with the Los Angeles Police Department to find out ‘exactly what motivated this incident’.

A source familiar with the incident told the news outlet: ‘Lady Gaga is high profile of course but she sang at President Biden’s inauguration which takes this case to another level.’

Another witness, Buck Angel, who also came out of his home to help Fischer told Entertainment Tonight on Thursday that he ‘100 percent’ believes the attack was targeted.  

‘I think 100% targeted – for sure. First off because in this neighborhood we have a lot of celebrities – it’s a celebrity neighborhood, number one.
‘Number two, I walk my dog at 11 and 12 o’clock at night and it’s safe here, it’s totally chill. How would anyone know that [Fischer] was walking those dogs at [that exact time].’

Wait — why does this guy use Biden’s signature phrases to communicate?

A friend of the victim, Steven Lazaroff, has voiced his shock over the incident and said Fischer loved Gaga’s dogs ‘unconditionally’. 

‘I’m not sure if those people knew whose they dogs were, and it’s even more devastating the dogs’ mom just landed in Rome yesterday to start filming for a movie and she can’t even be here,’ he told Fox 11.
‘I haven’t heard from [Fischer] yet … I just tried to go to the hospital but they weren’t accepting visitors.

‘He would die taking a bullet for those dogs. He loves those dogs unconditionally. He’s always with them 24/7.’

Gaga’s father, Joe Germanotta, told Fox News that entire family is ‘so upset right now’, and likened the dognapping of Koji and Gustav to ‘like losing one of your children’.  

‘Our whole family is upset and praying Koji and Gustavo are not harmed,’ he said. ‘Shooting someone in order to steal dogs is wrong.’

Morality lesson of the day!

A celebrity in her own right, Miss Asia boasts a social media following of more than 220,000. She has previously appeared in several magazines, featured in several ad campaigns and, in 2015, was the inspiration between Lady Gaga’s pet product line.

“between”?

Gaga’s manager, Bobby Campbell, told Billboard at the time: ‘This is not just about crazy outfits for dogs. It’s about giving pet parents and pet owners a fun and creative way for protecting their pets, as well as fun clothes to display on Instagram (because Gaga loves doing that).’

To tease the line, Gaga uploaded a series of fashion-style photo shoots of Miss Asia reading Vogue, driving a Rolls Royce in a tux and even enjoying an outdoor picnic of champagne and dog biscuits.

When asked what has been giving her hope over the past year, she said: “I got to be honest. I’m about to cry on the other end of this call with you because it’s really – it’s doctors, it’s nurses, it’s essential workers.”

I’ve got to be honest…. No, I shouldn’t. That would be cruel.

UPDATE:

Two Reporters!!!!

Lady Gaga’s Dogs Returned Unharmed
NBC News | 26 February 2021 | Andrew Blankstein and Dennis Romero

Subtext:

Guy who was shot deemed unimportant and not chill.