Dear Shabby:
I am an Ivy League robotic Democrat soy-milk-drinking man-bun-combing tattooed vegan skinny-jeans-wearing self-proclaimed pusscake who goes biking every night and to bed sipping Bud Light out of a wine glass while reading the New York Times in red plaid pajamas by organic-beeswax candlelight to save Mother Gaia. How can you help me attract a desirable mate? All the ones I’ve met so far are f***ing dogs.
Signed,
Lonesome in Bunny Slippers in Bed-Sty (the good section)
Holy shoot
Dear Lonesome,
Where to begin.
1. There’s nothing you can do about being ivy leaguer, but so is JD Vance and he’s turned out ok so there is some hope.
2. Start drinking Whole Milk. And Black Coffee. The coffee will give you the energy for step 8. No peaking! read through in order!
3. Get rid of the man-bun. Unless you’re a Japanese Samurai, you shouldn’t be wearing one. Even then they can still look silly but you’re carrying a sword and no one is going to tell you it looks stupid. IF you insist on long hair, go for the Witcher hair style. It’s cool and will look even better after the afore mentioned step that you’re going to need energy to do.
4. Hopefully your tattoos are “gay”. nothing to do about it but you can get them lasered off.
5. Eat real meat. Bacon, sausage, eggs, pork chops, chicken, and Beef (preferably in the form of T-bone steaks, NY Strip or Tomahawk Steaks). This is needed for after step 8 so your body can rebuild itself into something more masculine.
6. Ditch the skinny jeans and go with cargo pants or regular cut jeans. No woman wants to date a guy she’s afraid might take her clothes to wear himself.
7. Stop talking your down about being a pusscake, uh, guy. Be a real man. Learn manly skills like how to start a fire with out a lighter. Grill some food over said fire on a stick. No vegetables! Meat only. And in your case, avoid hotdogs and brats for a few months. Cube up a lesser cut meat that has been marinated for about 8 hours. Delicious! You’ll feel more manly just eating it. Especially if you eat it off the stick.
8. This is the step you need all that energy for. Stop biking and go to the gym and start lifting weights. It will hurt afterwards at first but that is just the pusscake crap leaving your body and the manliness building up. After working, eat protein, lots of it (see Step 5). After a few months the masculinity will just be dripping off of you. Ignore those who say it sweat and you stink. It probably those women who you refer to as “f***ing dogs”. What do they know about real men?
9. Sipping Bud Light out of a wine glass? Ugh. Because of step 8 you will need to drink water, lots of water. If you want/need a beer drink it out of a stein or a beer glass. And find a better beer to drink. If you want to go old school I can point to a place that makes mead. So you drink like the warriors of old (and everyone else back then).
10. Read anything else other than the NY Times or the Washington Post. etc. A good place to start is at http://www.imho.us. You’ll find other places from there. Also, read about the Roman Empire because real men think about the Roman Empire at least once a day. And war history books.
11. Real men sleep in their underwear, a pair or gym shorts w/o underwear, or nothing.
12. And what exactly is “Mother Gaia” going to do for you? Laugh at you when you die because of all the stupid things you did for her. Real men will use electricity if it is available and if not, and oil lamp. Or Torches, although landlords get a little picky about that big of an open flame if you are renting.
Once you make these changes you should have a better chance of finding better looking women. especially if you can learn to think for yourself and get away from liberalism. We have all the hot women. Just ask Tulsi Gabbard.
Regards,
Wyrmlaf
Dear Lonesome in Bunny Slippers in Bed-Sty (the good section)
Have you tried transitioning?
into a dog?
Some other rodent.
Dear Lonesome:
Wear a tail and offer them a milkbone?
Dear Lonesome,
It's simple. Wounds heal and chicks dig scars. Go do some dangerous stuff and earn some scars. You'll either toughen up and become a man or die. Either way, problem solved.
Dear Lonesome,
Buy a gas-powered chainsaw from some other pusscake who couldn't handle it. Re-build the carburetor, learn how to get it running and mix up some gas. Sharpen the chain. Find a large tree, fell it, limb it, buck it up, and cut it into firewood. Build a fire with said firewood.