“Who is the mysterious protestor sniper?” Bush said to himself as he aimed his rifle. “Know one knows, for he strikes deadly and quietly.”
“Are you sniping people again?” Laura Bush asked angrily.
“Just with rubber bullets,” Bush answered defensively.
Laura picked up some of the bullets. “These look like copper tipped.”
“Uh… copper is a type of rubber.”
“I’m taking your gun away,” Laura said, snatching the rifle, “Now you play nice.”
“Now what I’m going to do?” Bush moaned as Laura walked off.
Out of the shadows emerged the cloaked figure of Karl Rove. “You must focus on getting the Medicare bill passed. The Democrats want it to be an issue, and it must be denied. So speaks the elders.”
“Don’t worry there, Rover,” Bush answered, “I’m just about to negotiate with some Democrats. I’m sure I’ll know how to sweet talk them.”
“Do not fail,” Rove warned ominously as the shadows consumed him.
Senator Tom Daschle then entered Bush’s office. “I know you wanted to talk to me, but I won’t vote for this Medicare bill because of… uh… seniors and… uh… yadda yadda.”
“I understand your concern,” Bush said, approaching Daschle, “but you should hear what I have to say.” He then started repeatedly bashing Daschle’s head into the top of the desk. “Now you vote for that bill, you slimy weasel! I’m a big man! I’ll hurt you good!”
Suddenly, the wall gave way as Ted Kennedy came crashing through. “Grerawerr!” You’re trying to privatize Medicare! Me filibuster! Me destroy!”
“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed, “It’s Big Fat Teddy K! And he’s come to eat me!” Bush then tossed Daschle out the window and hid under his desk.
“Grerawerr!” Big Fat Teddy K exclaimed as he swatted the desk aside with his massive arm.
Bush cowered in fear, but then he spotted Chomps out in the hallway. “Attack! Chomps! Attack!” Bush called out.
Chomps ran into the office and started savagely attacking one of the paintings on the wall. “Hey! I didn’t like that painting either,” Bush said, “but it was a present form my mother-in-law and it’s not the time for art criticism.” Bush then rolled to his feet and started running before Big Fat Teddy K could stomp him.
Bush soon found his wife who was washing dishes in the kitchen. “Quick, Laura,” Bush yelled, “I’m negotiating the Medicaid bill and I need my shotgun.”
“It’s the Medicare bill, dear,” Laura corrected him, “and you’d know where your shotgun is if you’d put it back on the shotgun rack after using it.”
Bush could hear the roar of Big Fat Teddy K and kept moving. He then ran into Scott McClellan. “Hey, Scott,” Bush said to him, “wave your arms in the air and say, ‘I want to cut taxes.'”
“Why?”
“Just do it!”
Scott waved is arms in the air and said, “I want to cut taxes!”
“Grerawerr!” Big Fat Teddy K roared in rage upon seeing Scott.
“Eep.” Scott ran off with Big Fat Teddy K in pursuit.
Bush let out a sigh of relief. “That was a close one.”
Senator John Edwards then walked up to Bush. “I just want to tell you I’m not going to vote for that…”
Bush punched Edwards in the face.
“Okay, I’ll vote for the bill!” Edwards said as he ran away crying.
Now Daschle came back followed by some police. “That’s the man who assaulted me!” Daschle yelled as he pointed at Bush.
“So what,” Bush answered, “I pardon myself. Plus, I reverse pardon Daschle for the charge of indecency since he’s such a slimy weasel.”
“You can’t do that!” Daschle declared.
“That’s for the courts to decide,” one of the officers said as he slapped cuffs onto Daschle. “Now let’s get you back to the federal penitentiary, you pervert.”
As soon as Daschle was led away, Karl Rove materialized. “Have you handled the problem?”
“Negotiating is hard,” Bush complained, “Want to play some Mario Kart, Rover?”
Rove vanished back into the darkness once again just as if he had never been there.
“Man, that guy is no fun.”
Hah! Another great one by the master!
Poor Scott McClellan (with gravy). If only he can survive long enough to run past a liquor store and some hookers he will be ok. I feel so sorry for the guy.
The mighty Frank J. does it again. If I were in Florida and not caught up in my studies, I’d want to have his children.
“It’s the Medicare bill, dear,” Laura corrected him, “and you’d know where your shotgun is if you’d put it back on the shotgun rack after using it.”
Good grief. Laura Bush sounds like my mom.
MORNING ROUND UP
It’s Monday, yes it is. Lots to tell you today, although nothing really happened this weekend because I was a sick puppy. But first, links. Helen asks us guys to, er, measure…um…ourselves. You know, since Helen has been corrupted by…
Personally, I liked: “Hey! I didn’t like that painting either,” Bush said, “but it was a present form my mother-in-law and it’s not the time for art criticism.”
Bob
Ah, Frank feels up to being funny again, and, almost as importantly, it’s a short week. All is right with the world.
That was truly funny, Frank. You were sliding a bit, but you’ve made up for it here. 🙂
Frank:
I giggled. Then I laughed out loud. Very funny! But look, why not let Chomps rip that prevert Daschle into shreds. Please! Just once. That would be so cool. Chomps could rip the flesh off his face, then put the skin from Daschle’s face over his own face, and pretend he was Daschle, and then attack Pelosi… Wait, I guess that has been done. Anyway, more from you, Florida boy, and soon.
mikey
Hmmmm, they may have to replace “Hail To The Chief” with the “Cambreath March” If the Prez gets any more violent. I think the final line in each verse is “HOW MANY OF THEM CAN WE MAKE DEAD!”
Scott McClellan is by far the best IMW character. Nice work.
LMAO!!!
That was good.
“Now you vote for that bill, you slimy weasel! I’m a big man! I’ll hurt you good!”
Is the best line, keep doing ’em like this!!!
Big Fat Teddy K… Big Fat Teddy K… where have I seen him before…
That’s it! The Solomon Grundy character from the old Superfriends cartoon Legion of Doom! Ted Kennedy is Solomon Grundy!
funny.
I think that Big Fat Teddy K and the Stay Puuft Marshmallow Man are twins…
Hey Frank, you know they make copper tippedrubber bullet. they are called EFMJ Expanding Full Metal Jacket
I knew it! Frank was setting us up for a bombshell when he started making excuses for being unfunny, when in fact he hasn’t lost his touch at all.:)
“Quick, Laura! I’m negotiating the Medicaid Bill and I need my shotgun!”… Too funny! Lost some tea through my nose on that one!… Good one, Frank!
My sides hurt. OH GOD, you are good. OW, my sides.
Bush ’04
Hey, R.W., I think Big Teddy K is reall the Incredible Bulk.
“Me filibuster! Me destroy!”
“Bulk SMASH puny republicans!!!”
L.C. Red is right; the ‘negotiating the medicaid bill and need the shotgun’ is the best part.
wouldn’t we love to see Teddy K take on Ah-nuld?