…being all that separates us from the sea.
I could never admit to the crew the fear I have, though. Sure, they all joke about how our submarine was hacked together by a group of volunteers on a weekend and how, with our nuclear power, we won’t have to wait in gas lines, but most are too young to really remember the unending horror that was the Carter presidency. Still, the crew all seems vaguely at unease, as if they’re in a… well… malaise.
It’s not like being named after that man is the mark of death, but…
…the wound stings, but it’s only superficial. I have no idea how many rabbits are hiding aboard this vessel, how they got here, and why they are attacking everyone in site. The crew is spooked. They’re all taking it as a bad omen, just like how Ensign Chavez nearly choked to death on a peanut. Still, we…
…nice to get some fresh air. The only problem was the photo taken that’s been spread around the ship. While many are dismissive, others are sure that’s the face of Satan formed in the water and are taking it as yet another bad omen. I saw the picture, and it looks more like Carter to me, but I’ll keep that to myself.
Is that the sound of one of those rabbits? Why can’t we kill a few simple…
…is why I decided we need a break from this restlessness. Luckily, a French shipping vessel was spotted in open water. Seemed like a good live-fire test for our weapons systems. We fired a torpedo, but it just deflected off the side of our target. I’m not sure why it didn’t detonate, but…
…caused a huge panic, but the reactor wasn’t even close to nuclear meltdown. I’d wish everyone stop comparing it to Three Mile Island. I’m thinking of ordering the finding of all history books onboard and destroying any pages related to events from 1976 to 1980 so everyone would stop finding these “omens.” Then, I’ll…
…in a rush to find where the noise was coming from. We’re a stealth submarine, for God’s sake. How could such transmitters have been placed on board, I thought.
It became obvious when we found the note. “I disabled your torpedoes and made some other modifications to help you in your mission of peace.” I would have thought it a joke, but I recognized the signature of Jimmy Carter as I would the mark of Satan himself. How could anyone let that mad man get anywhere near this submarine?!
What is being broadcast are some of Carter’s speeches, and we are unable to stop it. It must be jamming all communication systems miles around us with nothing but the words of Carter, and thus all nearby countries have sent out attacks groups to destroy us.
I don’t blame them.
I see the rabbits running about it what seems like a fevered joy. This will probably be my last entry. I just hope my family knows that I hate Jimmy Carter.
First! Rabbits, those damn rabbits!
Very funny frank…you have redeemed yourself. might we get any estimate of when this earthshaking change wil come about?
Adam
shudder the rabbits, the rabbits! get them off! NO!
rabbits fit nicely in torpedo tubes…
CARTER! CARTER! PEANUT FARMER!
HAD A WIFE AND AN UGLY DAUGHTER!
…oh yeah! That does bring back those fond and dysfunctional elementary school memories!
“…Wiping Martini off of laptop”….
Started drinking early, as I just saw the “news” of the new SSN Jimmah Cahter. The images just won’t let up… Rabbits, HUGE smiles, Arafat and others laughing back…
One of your better efforts:). Ideas for a sequel:
…..We made it to shore, but not before visions of women that we had lusted after in our hearts began dancing to an ABBA beat, throwing off the navigation equipment. The submarine’s gravity drive began pulsing energy, something the containment field should have prevented. Scanner showed signs of bunny life throughout the ship, but we couldn’t get a lock on it. The crew is seeing visions again. One is of a flaming Yasser Arafat holding a burning olive branch, grinning in an evil yet effeminate manner. I myself thought I saw the disembodied head of Castro at the foot of my bunk, lecturing me on free health care. The betrayed roars of Taiwanese echo through the halls, and Iranian mullahs laugh softly in my dreams. In a recurring nightmare, gas is up to 7:00 dollars a gallon, and Carter is lecturing softly on the need to “share with less fortunate countries”.
Where has this ship been for 20 years? What has it brought back with it?
I do not think
That I want to know.
OOOOOHHHHHH!!!! I hates rabbits!!!
Very amusing. My only question is, how did the US Navy not see this sort of thing coming when they picked the name??
Couldn’t they have saved “USS Jimmy Carter” for a laundry ship or something?
I hope they’re not sent on any “rescue missions” after what happened in Iran.
TIM:
I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn’t you? Oh, it’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it? Well, it’s always the same. I always tell them–
ARTHUR:
Oh, shut up!
TIM:
Do they listen to me?
They should just beam the rabbits aboard a Korean sub. Oh, wait. Never mind.
No, no, no, Frank. You have to say it properly. It’s the USS JIMMAH CAHTAH!
The ship needs to be haunted by the ghosts of Arafat, the chopper crews, and Mr. Peanut.
EXCELLENT FREAKIN’ POST!!! I nearly laughed in front of the yearbook staff here… Can’t let them know I have a sense of humor.
So glad someone remembers that rabbit. Our daughers believe we made up that story about a boat and a rabbit and a president.
What’s this about the rabbits? Someone please explain.
Kitty Kitty,
Go here: http://www.narsil.org/politics/carter/killer_rabbit.html and all will be explained.
If you like rabbits go here: http://www.savetoby.com
The Puppy Blender might be behind this one.
Wait! I just realized something…
THE RABBIT WAS ON OUR SIDE!
Get the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and consult the Book of Armaments.
Thanks Syd! Poor rabbit, he was just trying to help all of humanity!!
That was brilliant Frank.
Brilliant.
I saw this one today too:
Capn: Load torpedo tubes 1 and 3!
Mate: Tubes loaded sir!
Capn: Fire the diplomats!
Rabbits are totally un-Hitler.
Hey, I hear the ship’s first port of call will be in Iran. They stay there for 400+ days before the USS Ronald Reagan comes in and leads them home..:0)
This thing is so damn funny, it should be a regular feature.
Frank you amaze me! I’m 38, so I pretty much remember the Carter administration from my adolescence (sitting in gas lines, counting the days the hostages were being held, praying to God for Reagan to win). But, I have no recollection of this rabbit incident. You’re such a young whipper-snapper and yet you got all of this info rolling around in that whipper-snapper head of yours. How DO you do it?
Yes and I remember my parents paying a 21% interest rate on their mortgage (of course their house cost 47,000, but still). The funny thing is they still voted a second time for Carter. I think that was the last time they voted democrat though.
BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY!
Bunnies are so cute!
Look at the cute little bunnies!
http://www.rabbit.org/fun/net-bunnies.html
Actually, now that I think about it, it makes sense that that rabbit attacked Jimmy Carter. As everyone knows, bunnies are the cutest, sweetest, nicest most gentlest creatures in all of nature (spend some time with a bunny once, you’ll see – just don’t pick it up, they don’t like that) – and so when it saw Jimmy Carter it saw all that extreme leberal evilness and just knew how evil it was and decided it has to attack Carter – heck it even SWAM (not an easy feat for a bunny) to the canoe just to get a nip at him
Undercover Hippie,
I remember 1979, my birth year, very well.
Brian asked how the US Navy could not see this coming. It did, and it was not Navy’s decision.
I am retired Navy Commander, in the Pentagon during the Clinton administration when the decision was made. Clinton wanted to name an aircraft carrier after Carter – the one that subsequently became USS GEORGE HW BUSH. There was such an outcry from within Navy that the CNO (Chief of Naval Operations) went to SECDEF and told him that there would be real problems within the Navy if this happened (this is unheard of – the Navy has saluted smartly in the past for such events, and there have been ships named after people who were unpopular within the Navy). Carter decimated the Navy, as well as the rest of the military, and even proposed eliminating Naval Aviation in favor of increased funding for the Air Force. As a result, Carter was disliked within the Navy and loathed within the Aviation community.
The compromise position was to name an attack submarine, with the face-saving cover story that Carter was getting a sub instead of a carrier, like all previous Presidents, because of his prior service in nuclear submarines.
The good news is that this will most probably be all a non-issue to the crew. Most of them are too young to have an opinion of Carter and will be just happy to be on a brand new ship. The snide jokes about their ship may well serve to make JIMMY CARTER the best ship in the Fleet. By the way, the first CO is the son of ADM Kelso, the former CNO, and is a good guy. My favorite line about Kelso, who ran Navy during the Tailhook fiasco, from Limbaugh, I believe: “Admiral Kelso, a man so enamored of his brass buttons and gold braid that he would buy his underwear at Victoria’s Secret if Pat Schroeder demanded it…”
Brings up shades of Bob Newhart’s “The Cruise of the USS Codfish”.
Men, you are about to be reunited with your loved ones – in some cases your wives. Great spoof, both of them. Thanks.
Worked at Electric Boat while the Seawolf boats were under construction. From what I could tell and remember of this class of boats, there darn well could be rabbits (in addition to the gremlins) on board!