(A Filthy Lie)
The vile and despicable puppy-blender will be attending the BlogNashville wing-ding next weekend. Sadly, I will be unable to attend due to outstanding warrants in Tennessee (hey… she LOOKED 18). However, if I’d been able to make it, and if I’d been able to get some face-time with that over-rated ambulance-chaser, I’d have had a few questions for him, which I’ll list in the extended entry

• You post on Instapundit hundreds of times an hour. Do you do EVERYTHING that quickly? How does your wife feel about that? Is that how you got the name “Instapundit”?
• In a battle between you and Aquaman, who would win?
• Your logo is a broadcast tower. Is it true that it used to be a flag at half-mast before you discovered Viagra?
• Boxers or briefs?
• Oster or Waring?
• Which came first – you or the aluminum foil?
• Are you actually a cartoon character? I mean, we’ve never actually SEEN you and Homer Simpson together at the same time.
• Why doesn’t your FAQ page mention your numerous connections to organizations known to support the monkey menace that threatens all human life?
• In your about me picture, you have your hands in your pockets. Do you have six fingers on your right hand, and how much will you pay me not to mention this to Inigo Montoya?
• Do you ever regret blogging about your obsession with gay penguin voyeurism?
• You recently said, “If a coyote eats one of my cats, I intend to make a coyote rug.” Do they MAKE blenders that big?
• Will you be merging your blog with Andrew Sullivan’s after the wedding?
• Don’t you think it’s somewhat blasphemous that your hat is both taller and pointier than the Pope’s?
• When the Berlin Wall came down, is it true that you used a piece of it to bash in a hobo‘s skull?
• Did you trade nuclear weapons secrets to the North Koreans in exchange for a truckload of puppies?
• Why, oh WHY did you corrupt that cool Geiko gecko with your foul Robot Dancing?
• Are you involved in Boston’s recent rash of puppy kidnappings?
• You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
• There has been a dramatic rise in obesity among children under the age of 11. Are your PupGurt Brand Yogurt Smoothies to blame for this?
• One of your favorite words is “Indeed”, which you always start with a capital “I”. Is this also Viagra-related?

Of course, all I really want to ask him is…
WHY WON’T YOU LINK TO ME? HUH? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?????
I have a feeling that’s going to be the most popular question at the conference.