Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Sorry I’m late today. There was this huge scandal I needed to investigate. If it’s true, it could create a tremendous backlash from the Democrats. Rumor has it that the Republicans flushed the Democrat’s Donkey down the toilet.
So let’s talk about the lead story.
Newsweek reported that interrogators at Gitmo had flushed a Koran down the toilet. Of course, it turns out that this anonymous source cannot confirm that it really happened. However, this didn’t stop the magazine from running the story. The Middle East has seen rioting, and yes, even deaths.
Serious stuff though. In some Middle Eastern countries, if you desecrate the Koran, they can apply the Death Penalty. Of course, they also apply the death penalty for not shaving, jay walking, and having a sassy mouth.
Bad News for Newsweek. They lost all their recruiting advertising from the U.S. Army.
Good News. They sold those full page ads for a martyr campaign for Al Queda.
Al Jazeera seems to very interested as well.
They desecrated the Koran? What, is there only one copy? Was it an original?
Here in America they take pages from the Holy Bible and use them to wipe their butts. Do you know what THAT’S called?
Modern Art.
Sure Newsweek caused rioting and a couple of deaths — but the main question about the article is: Did It Make You Think?
Hopefully, the retraction will help all of this blow over. We can work with our allies and get the word out that the story was false. In time, feelings will subside and they can get over their feelings of pure American Rage and get back to their old feelings of pure American Hatred.
Poor guys at Gitmo. We didn’t mean to deprive them of their religious freedom — just their Due Process.
Speaking of angry mobs.
In Britain, American Sports Tycoon Malcolm Glazer has bought the Manchester United. My top research staff here at IMAO (Frank sitting on the couch drinking beer) tells me that they are NOT an airline.
They are a soccer team. Wow, who would have figured?
Anyway, the Brits don’t take lightly to a Yank buying a Top British Team. They are concerned that he’s only in it for the money, that he’ll take on too much debt, and that he’ll raise ticket prices.
Some fans got together to protest and even threatened to riot. This confused British authorities who are not used to British Soccer fans Rioting WITHOUT a soccer match.
The protest was non violent, but not well attended. Maybe because before fans could gather outside the Manchester offices, they had to pay an admission. Glazer’s influence?
Glazer was ready for the rioting too, he had kiosks selling official rioting supplies – like Manchester United Official Gasoline!
Rumor has it that he’ll make some changes to make things interesting — Cheerleaders. Of course, Britain is a somewhat left leaning country — so he’d have to get cheerleaders that are just right. Cheerleaders with socially aware cheers like:
“Manchester.
United.
Can never be defeated.
Manchester.
United.
Can never be defeated.”
John Bolton is still at the center of controversy. Democrats are launching an investigation into him. You know, all I really need to know is what size shoe he wears. This is what the UN needs.
Sure he looks ancient. I’m not saying his look is out of date, but if they updated his look by a decade he might be able to do a guest appearance on That 70’s Show!
But who cares? I’d like to paint that big floppy mustache orange and make him wear a Yosemite Sam hat!! THAT I would LOVE to see!
Koffi: Welcome to the UN Ambassador Bolton
Bolton: I’m the rootinist –shootin’ist t-t-t tootinist. Stick my size 10 bootinis, up your p-p-p- patoot-toot tooninus–
Then I want him to do that thing with the pistols where he shoots himself up into the air.
George Lucas is said to be taking some Anti American potshots in the latest installment of Star Wars.
Direct quote:”In one scene he has Anakin Skywalker, saying just before becoming Darth Vader: “You are either with me — or you are my enemy.”..
To the Cannes audience, often sympathetic to anti-Bush messages in cinema as last year’s triumph here of Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11” attested, that immediately recalled Bush’s 2001 ultimatum, “You’re either with us or against us in the fight against terror.”
There are other zingers directed at the Bush Administration, most notably, we see a section of the movie blaming the destruction of humanity on the lack of a filibuster shield.
Later on, there’s the scene where Darth Vader launches a No Stormtrooper Left Behind Program – and there’s no funding!!
And who can forget that sweet, touching segment where a tired, frail Yoda blames his skin condition on Global Warming.
I can’t wait for this movie to come out. I haven’t been this excited since the release of White Chicks.
**
FIRST!!!
RWD the soccer stuff was funny, but the soccer fans are that wacko when it comes to cheers. The team Chelsea’s cheer is Chelsea Chelsea We are the best Chelsea Chesea F*** all the rest. just a thought…
Wait a minute. Are you saying that soccer teams DO have cheerleaders?
Okay, Who has time to do the bumper stickers and shirts:
“NEWSWEEK LIED, PEOPLE DIED”
this one IS true…
(Just send me 5% of the net for practice ammo)
I only have one thing to say about that damned magazine and, RWD, thanks for the venue. I find it rather odd that the entire Muslim world gets their panties in a twist when a BS story comes out about the possibility of a copy of the Quran finding it’s way into the toilet, but they have absolutely no problem with 4 Americans being burned to death, dragged through the streets, and then suspended from a bridge. That’s cool with them as long as the Quran wasn’t injured. Yeah, that’s a blanket statement, sue me. It still pisses me off to the nth degree. The hypocrisy of these people is mind blowing to me. Hell, here in America you’re allowed to fill a jar with urine and put a crucifix in it and call it art? Does anyone else see a problem here? It must be a cultural thing. I don’t know. It still pisses me off. As much as I want to believe that the people of Islam are good people (yeah, yeah, yeah, most of ’em are) it’s stories like this that make me ask, “Are we dealing with people stuck in the 3rd century or something?” These people need to evolve, soon. I’m getting real close to replacing “Nuke the Moon” with “Nuke any Muslim country with sand.” After all, I’m sure the British would appreciate the extra parking space!
Oh, and about the Star Wars link to politics thing, I saw an interview tonight with George Lucas where he actually answered that question. He mentioned that when they were filming this movie, Iraq hadn’t even happened yet. I won’t quote him because I don’t know the exact quote but that’s the gist of what he was saying. At least the guy at the top has his head screwed on straight. Is this the sign of the Apocolypse? I mean really, Dean is wanting someone to serve jail time for an incident that they aren’t even charged for and the rest of the lefties are comparing Star Wars, Star Wars for crying out loud, to modern politics. They talk about bloggers being a bunch of pajama dressed imbeciles and they’re the ones comparing Star Wars to politics? Hypocrisy doesn’t even begin to describe this idiocy.
Let me put it as simply as I can, IT’S A MOVIE! A MOVIE! Move on with your life. IT IS A MOVIE, M-O-V-I-E. Don’t go away mad, just GO AWAY!
Leuthen,
thanks for sounding off. Now for something really important…
Which jokes got the laughs?
RWD,
Sorry about that! 🙂 The Bad News vs. Good News for Newsweek was particularly funny! Think Al Jazeera/ Al Quida will go for a double full page ad next week?
Also, “Rioting WITHOUT a soccer match” was good as well. Those folks take their soccer, sorry, football rather seriously don’t they?
Finally, the Yosemite Sam/Bolton thing was just too much. I’m just glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read that section.
RWD, you do the best news roundup I’ve read! Seriously. It’s an interesting change to get the news coupled with good humor. Some of the jokes are obvious, the others are just surprisingly good.
Of course, they also apply the death penalty for not shaving
More likely, they apply it for shaving. I don’t see many clean-shaven faces in the pictures from the Arabian peninsula, other than our military.
SVJ
Hey, you know what? You’re right! I completely missed that one. Oh well.You guys know what I meant.
Oh no. If the news get out that Republicans flushed the donkey down the toilet, PETA might stop sending me my nickle.
“Rumor has it that the Republicans flushed the Democrat’s Donkey down the toilet.”
I love a laugh that makes me cry. THAT was hilarious! Wonder what the plumber would say, because you know one had to be called to fix that little scandal?
Something seems to be stuck in the pipe, sir. Uh, is that Teddy Kennedy?
Hey RWD,
Sorry for that rant in the comments section earlier. I tried to find a more direct link to you but was unsuccessful. That said, I love every single one of your News Round-ups. I apologize for ranting when I should have been sending accolades. It’s just one of those things, your comments sparked a nerve, so to speak. I’ll be better in the future. Thanks for all you, and everyone else, does. I appreciate and love you all (y’all).