(In My World Fan Fiction by Harvey)
Fresh from single-handedly saving the state of Illinois from the ravaging flood waters of the Mississippi, Barack Obama arrived in Detroit in search of more hapless victims of seven years of Bush-McCain policies to rescue. Passing Wayne County Community College, damsel in distress Marilyn Pace cried out in anguish, causing the presumptive Democratic nominee to leap into action.

“There, there, photogenic white girl.”

“Help me, Obamessiah!” cried Marilyn, “I’ve spent all my money on clothes, shoes, jewelry, vodka, Red Bull, piercings, and back tattoos! I’ve no money left for tuition! How will I pay for school without getting a job like some fat, unpopular girl whom the national media’s cameras love not?”
“Fear not,” declared Obama, striking a puffy-chested super-hero-like pose while patting her on the shoulder in a way that he hoped would be difficult to construe as sexual harassment, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you. I will shower you with thousands of previously unavailable tuition dollars. All I ask in return is that you do a good job, keep hanging in there, and make good choices. Like voting for me to prove you’re not racist,” he added with a “maybe I’m kidding, maybe I’m not” grin that glinted under the glare from the press’s light like an Orbit gum commercial.
“But how will you pay for it?”, sobbed Marilyn.
“Same way I’ll pay for everything I promise – by stealing money from someone who has more of it than you but less than me. Like from kid over there who looks un-fair-sharingly wealthy.”
“But I’m not wealthy!” objected the target of Obama’s accusation. “My clothes aren’t Old Navy faux-raggedy, they’re Salvation Army REAL-raggedy!”
“Questioning me is racism!” Obama snarled, poking a menacing – yet impeccably manicured – finger into the boy’s chest. “Now stop showing antipathy towards those who are different than you and pony up!”
“Like most of today’s youth, I’d gladly give my life to support your hip & trendy multicultural neo-welfare state, but I spent my last dollar at the Friends of the Earth bake sale. Would a tofu brownie help?”
“Won’t cooperate, eh?” frowned Obama. “Very well… YOU!… uh… Secret Service guy… uh… what’s your name?”
“Tom”
“That’s way too complicated for me to remember without a teleprompter,” scowled Obama, “I’ll just call you Whitey. Ok, Whitey, dangle that guy by his ankles & shake him until he dewealthifies. This white female demographic representative needs tuition money.”
Tom’s shaking produced nothing, save vaguely effeminate mewlings of protest, an unused-but-optimistically-kept condom, and a clearly not-empty crumpled plastic sandwich bag.
“ALLLL RIIIIGHT! WEED!” shouted Obama, stuffing the baggie’s contents into the bowl of a colorful glass pipe which had traveled from his jacket pocket to his hand with eerie ninja quickness. “Time to inhale… frequently.”
“But… but…”, wept a befuddled Marilyn, “you said in your book that you’d given up drugs YEARS ago!”
“Change happens,” whispered Obama hoarsely, exhaling as little as possible.
“I don’t understand how this helps me pay my tuition,” Marilyn blubbered as she turned a bit to her left to allow a CNN cameraman to capture her good side.
“Hope will pay your tuition. Hope for change. And change is me. Vote Obama ’08. But now I must go.”
“Don’t leave me!” wailed Marilyn, pausing to make sure a New York Times reporter spelled her name right. “Only you and your blessed fountains of government revenue – which will NOT be gouged from the nearly-empty pockets of those who work hard and play by the rules – can save me from my undeserved and completely unavoidable fate which I couldn’t possibly have seen coming or planned for when I first decided to attend college several years ago!”
“I’m sorry, but I must. I have to go vet the vetter who’s vetting my Veep vetter. UP, UP, AND AWAY!” shouted Obama as he thrust his clench-fisted arms in the air, leapt towards the sky, and landed chin-first onto the ground a moment later.
“Heh” chuckled Obama, standing up and dusting himself off, “forgot that I can’t fly. DAMN that’s some A-Prime smoke! Hey kid – still got that tofu brownie?”.