WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In an effort to “abandon partisanship” and find “a real solution” to the problem of mass shootings, leading Congressional Democrats have dropped their standard rhetoric demanding weapons bans and “red flag laws”. Progressive power-brokers have now adopted a new tactic: insisting that the best solution to protect the innocent is to pass a nationwide “speed limit” that would prevent bullets from traveling in excess of 55 mph.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi insisted that it was an idea “whose time had come”.

“For decades,” said Pelosi, “the wild-eyed pistol-wavers on the right have insisted that ‘guns don’t kill people’. Well, it’s true. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. Knowing that, we’ve decided to focus on the real safety issue in this country: excessive bullet speed. In the 1970’s, when cars were the weapon of choice in mass killings across America, President Carter, in a moment of great heroism, declared that no car in America would ever again be allowed to travel faster than 55 mph. This immediately saved millions of lives, as a car traveling that slowly is incapable of killing anyone.”

“Nearly 50 years have passed since then,” said Pelosi, “and although cars no longer kill people, we are faced with the carnage of hundreds of thousands of Americans being shot with bullets every day. Bullets that are traveling far too fast to be safe. Some even in excess of 100 miles per hour. If it weren’t so tragic, it would almost be silly. Why does anyone need a bullet that goes that fast, anyway? The only sensible way to stop these millions of daily deaths is to slow down bullets to the time-tested safe speed of 55 mph. If it kept our roads safe, it can keep our unexpectedly vulnerable gun-free zones safe, too.”

Ammunition science expert William Nye supported the move, insisting that a national cap on bullet-speed was “a guaranteed win” for any sensible American seeking a final solution to the gun problem who didn’t mind exchanging “a tiny bit” of liberty for “a whole lot” of safety.

“Scientific tests have repeatedly shown that a bullet can’t penetrate anything if it’s going less than 60 mph,” said Nye. “so if we take the maximum harmless speed and figure in a small margin for breezy days and such, the 55mph limit will keep everyone safe forever without any chance of error or harm. The science is settled!”

Democrat Senator and presidential candidate Cory Booker said he’s a “guaranteed yes” on the new legislation.

“I think it’s great plan,” said Booker. “Messing with their bullets – they’ll never see THAT coming! Of course, we still have to work out a few details, like how to actually make a bullet that only goes 55 mph, but if we pass legislation, they’ll have to come up with something. Sorta like when we criminalized incandescent light bulbs. They had fluorescents that were just as cheap, bright, and reliable on the shelves within days. And nobody complained about the switchover at all. This will be just like that!”

As of this writing, all ammunition manufacturers agree that the only way to make a bullet go 55 mph is to throw it out of the window of a moving car not driven by Sammy Hagar.

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