CATS: We got a lifetime of naps and belly rubs. What about you? HUMANS: Superior intellect C: Cool what's it for? H: Math and feeling bad

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) September 21, 2014

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose? Accused: No. *cries into palms Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.

— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) August 30, 2014

what's on your back? "a katana" what? "it's a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"

— Brent (@murrman5) October 8, 2014

I didn't even know there was a blood moon last night until now. Mostly because I'm not a witch trying to perform a ritual.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) October 8, 2014

I don't obey stop signs. How am I supposed to read and drive? Totally unsafe.

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) October 8, 2014

Not sure how this thought process works: “Let’s get Jon Stewart to host our show!” “He won’t do it.” “Okay then, Chuck Todd.”

— Allahpundit (@allahpundit) October 8, 2014