AP – Antarctica – The nude, frozen corpses of hundreds of environmental activists were found earlier this morning by the crew of an ice breaking ship near Antarctica. Hundreds of other severely frostbitten survivors huddled together for warmth, and a scant few were being noshed upon by the cuddly polar bears they had tried to befriend.
“We don’t understand what went wrong,” explained one of the survivors, once his lips had sufficiently thawed. “When we planned our nude climate change protest, we expected that the ice caps would have receded by now. The GCM models told us that the globe would be dangerously warm long ago. Of course, the thermometers all said it was colder than Ted Cruz’s heart out there, but we assumed the thermometers were all broken. I mean, science, right? There were graphs and stuff? Al Gore had to stand on a ladder. It was supposed to be a nude romp in the newly tropic Antarctic, right? What went wrong? Yeah, it looked all icy and stuff, but we assumed that it was all just fine, white sand. I mean, didn’t the ice all melt already? What else could it be? When the drugs all wore off and we realized how cold it felt, we began flatulating and exhaling like crazy, but the greenhouse gases didn’t warm us. They didn’t warm us! Gaia, why hast though forsaken us?”
When asked to comment on the tragedy, President Obama had this to say. “This just vindicates what I have been saying all along. Climate change is a more dire threat to the world than terrorism. Here we have just one example when climate change models killed more democratic voters in a single attack than ISIS .”
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They had to use those huge, frozen tuna tongs (meat hooks) to remove the bodies. Hehehe…
*** Breaking News ***
A record-breaking, fall storm clobbered the Pacific Northwest yesterday, causing extensive flooding, massive damage and power outages to over a quarter million homes. Winds in the Puget Sound area gusted to 60 knots, with over 100 knots hitting the Cascade and Olympic mountains. Up to 10 inches of rain from the storm was still making its way down river valleys today where water rescues were underway to save stranded residents.
Among those stranded was a group called “Save The Trees” who were apparently engaged in their annual pilgrimage to save a forest in the Olympic National Park by hugging trees and crying for them. Caught by the storm seemingly unaware, police report most of the group died while hugging their blown down tries and most were found still hugging their trees even after their clothing had washed away by raging flood waters. Survivors of the disaster were reportedly in shock, suffering from hypothermia and understandably in tears from the event.
“It was awful,” stated one survivor of the disasster. “Those trees DIED out there! I guess it’s a small consolation that some us were able to die with them.”
There must be global warming if ravenous Polar Bears are now appearing in Antarctica!
True, there are no Polar Bears on the Antarctic Continent. The protesters must have gotten confused and sailed to Point Barrow Alaska which is an area of the state that is as cold as the Antarctic and is awash in hungry Polar Bears ready to feast on unwary Cheechackos.
But I always thought polar bears migrated. The swallows could grip it by the scruff.
FUN FACT: Did you know every time you fart or belch you become a little heavier?
Methane is a lighter gas then alot of the other gasses in our atmosphere which makes a person with Methane in them more buoyant (lighter). When you let the Methane out of your body you become less buoyant which makes you heavier.
Lesson: Before you go in for your doctor checkup and get weighed, eat alot of beans.