My solution? Lock all the doors to the Capitol from the outside and declare it a prison.

Wow. Sure lots of important news happening.
googles Michael Cohen
eyes glaze over
I mean, can you believe it… all the events and whatnot that are happening?

If I were president, can I blanket pardon anyone who commits a crime on a certain day, i.e., can I initiate a Purge without a congressional vote?

Remember when Democrats used to be against racism, but then when acting against racism meant they’d have to do something about one of their own politicians they were all like “Eh. No one cares about racism anymore”?

Why are Alvin and the Chipmunks popular? All they do are high-pitched covers, and not even original arrangements. I’m just saying they’re not the Beatles.

Libertarianism always seem like it will be popular because people don’t like being told what to do, but people end up abandoning it when they find out it also means they can’t tell other people what to do.

“Why don’t we work toward a society where a massive entity with guns isn’t constantly threatening everyone.”
“I dunno. Working towards making sure it only threatens people I don’t like and don’t agree with seems a lot easier.”

I like this Hugh Grift I saw at CPAC. He yells at liberals at lot. He seems very effective. I’m going to donate to his org.

The way they train pundits is they lock them in a cage and anytime they criticize Trump they get a cocktail.

Someone can criticize Israel without being anti-Semitic just like someone can be a fiscal conservative but a social liberal… but both of those are rarer than people think.

“The average American throws away a toilet paper roll after one use because now it’s dirty.”

Most people are nice, but social media shows that the people who aren’t nice are loud.

“Conservatives are once again pouncing on Ilhan Omar, claiming that her statement of ‘Kill all the Jews!” is anti-Semitism. And the reason they’re doing so is racism.”

Iran calls the U.S. “the Great Satan,” but do they have any special nickname for Canada? Maybe “Satan’s Hat.”

Elizabeth Warren apparently has nearly no support within the Democratic Party for her presidential run, but nevertheless she’s persisting.

That Dinosaurs show was pretty forgettable overall, but I think I’ll always remember the “not the mama” bit as that’s a pretty good distillation of a father’s experience with a newborn.
Eventually, daddy is the fun one, but Winchester is still in that “I don’t understand why you exist phase.” All he knows is when I’m holding him, he’s not getting fed.

I don’t know why people are obsessed with the electoral college when getting rid of it would do absolutely nothing about our main problem: In a country of 400 million people, somehow our choices got narrowed down to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

“Jungle gym” kind of sounds like the name of a knock-off Tarzan.

The assertion seems to be that a civilized people should never use violence as a first course of action except for the problem of unwanted children.

If I made a conservative publication, I would only hire the one true conservative: Jennifer Rubin. Every single cover would blare “Conservative Columnist Attacks Trump!”

I get the motivation of the far-right and far-left grifters; it’s the intellectually dishonest people presenting themselves as centrists that baffle me.

We thought about making Winchester’s first name “Winston” (“Win Win Fleming”) and then claim he was named after Winston Churchill and not the character from New Girl (“Winnie the Flem!”).

Do you want the party that says it doesn’t care about climate change or the one that ineptly pretends to care about climate change?

The winning 2020 slogan will be “Trump is the only thing between us and worse than Trump.”

It sounds like Jonah Goldberg’s new media venture will be aimed at people who think Trump is kind of an abhorrent idiot but don’t constantly have our freak out meter set to 11, but will he be able to attract all four of us to his site?

If your solution to housing costs is anything other than “build more housing,” you’re just making things worse.

Since the 80s, we’ve heard we only have 10 years left if we don’t do something drastic about the environment. Now they say we have 12 years left, so I guess things have gotten better.

Weird how both the Republicans who adamantly support Trump no matter what and the Republicans who adamantly oppose Trump no matter what have both abandoned their conservative principles. They should be friends!

What I want is a phone that I can hold vertically but takes horizontal video. We have the technology.

Stop being racist about the anti-Semite.

I have some guns in the home, and I am quite frightened by them. I keep them in a safe that can’t be opened from the inside.

Is there someone who takes Jacob Wohl seriously? I am interested in learning more about that person.

I didn’t realize how much blending their was of 3D and 2D animation in Aladdin—especially with the carpet. It’s actually kind of jarring.
And it’s the only Disney movie I know of that’s heavy on pop culture references—most of which are pretty inscrutable to today’s kids.
Still, great music.

What the left call “intersectionality” often seems like train tracks crossing, and you know eventually there is going to be a collision.

A lot of the coverage of Captain Marvel is almost acting like Wonder Woman never happened, which is even weirder then when some coverage of Black Panther memory-holed Blade. It’s like no superhero movie counts unless it’s in the MCU.

I thought Game of Thrones was just a fancier version of musical chairs.

I can’t wait to watch Captain Marvel when it finally comes to Disney+.

Don’t think I mentioned it, but Umbrella Academy was good. Lots of style plus an interesting soundtrack.

The Democrats are now straight up embracing socialism, anti-Semitism, and even infanticide. They are getting dark, yo.

The SJW religion states that everyone is sinner and there is no forgiveness of sins.

“Bernie Sanders, who would have won in 2016 if Hilary hadn’t stolen the nomination, announced his candidacy today…”

The only part that duped me was the racist letter Smollet received. When I heard this was all in reaction to that not getting much attention, I felt kind of bad for him. But it ends up he probably fabricated that too.
I mean, I still do feel bad for him. It’s all very very sad. I’m actually more angry at all the people who immediately jumped head first on the story and enabled it despite how it had all the trappings of a hoax. It feels like they intentionally muted their BS detectors.

If you don’t like how seats are distributed in the Senate, aren’t your only options to stage a military coup or start a new country? Seems unlikely most states are going to vote themselves less power.

sorting hat sits on head of another first year
“Let’s see… for you… Slytherin!”
FBI agent posing as a professor immediately writes the name down on a watchlist

If MacGyver ate with a comb, you’d be like, “Good thinking, MacGyver!”

I don’t like how Feinstein handled those kids. She should have more patiently and kindly explained to them how everything they believe in is dumb.

Who is telling kids they have 12 years to convince the useless idiots in Congress to pass bills made by morons or the world ends? That sounds like really bizarre child abuse.

Any senator dismissive of the political concerns of kids can’t be all bad.

I had never watched Empire. Apparently my mom likes it.

If the left were ever like, “Let’s surrender on the abortion issue to get the Republicans to vote for the Green New Deal!” then I’d actually believe they think the world is ending. Everything they’ve actually done just looks like play acting.
“If Trump agrees to sign the Green New Deal, then we’ll make sure he runs for re-election unopposed.” That’s something someone who thought the world is going to end would do.

That Captain Marvel trailer is confusing. I kept watching it wondering when Captain Marvel would appear, but apparently that’s Brie Larson’s character even though “Captain” is a BOYS name.

Why do we need fictional female superheroes when we have Dianne Feinstein yelling at dumb kids?

PALPATINE: “You see, things aren’t so simple. Not everything is so black and white.”
ANAKIN: “Well… I guess you could be right.”
PALPATINE: “Since you accept that, do you want to… go to the Jedi temple and murder a bunch of kids?”
ANAKIN: “That’s a GREAT idea!”

My 3yo is playing tee-ball. I didn’t realize most of the team would be 6yos twice her size. It’s adorable.

I honestly thought we killed all the Nazis and the Commies back in the 20th century. Really feels like the previous generation didn’t finish their job and now we’re suffering. Looking at you, Boomers!

I’ve seen two of the best picture nominees. I guess I should have seen Roma by now since it’s right there on Netflix, but Umbrella Academy sounded more interesting.

Unlike Trump, the left have a solid plan to make this country a better place: They’re going to infight and destroy each other.

Of the best picture nominees I’ve seen, I though Black Panther was the best (the only other one I saw was Green Book).

Into the Spiderverse was the best picture I saw last year, but it’s not up for that award.
Also, I feel like Avengers: Infinity War should get an award for actually being coherent. That movie was a feat.

Green Book almost felt like some sort of paint by numbers to make a best picture nominee. I enjoyed it okay, but there was really nothing better?
And I’ve been a fan of Mahershala Ali since The 4400, but I’d describe his performance in Green Book as “good,” but nothing that really stood out to me.
I liked him better in Luke Cage.

Probably would need to write a program to pull in the data and figure this out, but going by RottenTomatoes, what is the worst movie to have been nominated as best picture and what’s the worst to have won?

How can you been taken seriously on politics if you can’t admit the simple fact that AOC is a dummy?
I don’t know if she’s exceptionally dumb for a representative from a very safe district, but she dumb.

We live in the easiest, most prosperous time in human history, but is it a good time to have kids?

“The world is going to end in 12 years which means you need to pass every left-wing policy I already wanted you to pass plus I get a pony.”
Yeah, whatevs.

The message of Green Book was “racism is bad.” Some people really hated that movie. I guess because they don’t like the message.

Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse was one of the most original things I’ve ever seen — its animation style like nothing else — and was the only thing that deserved Oscars.

I hope my 401k recovers. I want to have a decent amount of money set aside so I don’t have to keep working when I’m 90 like Clint Eastwood.

Again I say, a smarter Oscars would wait a decade before awarding best picture. So many winners are movies no one remembers even after three years.

There’s not really room for moderate pro-abortion anymore. You have to be full on “If they want to chuck a baby in a wood chipper, that’s between a woman and her doctor” or you’re a traitor to the cause.

So for Trump to keep the moral high ground over the Democrats, all he has to do between now and November 2020 is not murder a baby.

This isn’t a surprise at this point, but the genetic test came back and Winchester has Down syndrome, so that will be a new adventure for us. I’m not sure what the point of a fourth kid is other than more adventure, though.
He doesn’t have any specific health problems, which we’re very grateful for. What he does have is three older siblings already doting over him. You’d think life can’t get any fuller, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt more blessed than I do now.
Winchester is his middle name. We decided to give him a fun middle name like his oldest sister, Buttercup. And he was born on the canonical 40th birthday of Dean Winchester.

“Vote for me. I’m less terrible than the alternative.”
“How less terrible?”
“Only a little. Get excited! Donate money!”

Will the Democrats’ message of “We are arguably less bigoted than Trump, though we probably hate Jews in particular more” be enough for them to win in 2020?

I wonder what it would be like if I woke up in a world without Beatles, with my lack of musical talent and not being very good at remembering lyrics.
“Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
Something something…”

A Rian Johnson Star Wars trilogy sounded interesting, but a big problem was that The Last Jedi was terrible and everyone hated it and even though Disney must have paid off a bunch of critics to pretend to like it no one actually did.

When Rian Johnson leaves Star Wars, can he take Rose with him?

As much as I thought The Last Jedi was a big gut punch to Star Wars after the momentum The Force Awakens built up, I’m still kind of curious what a Rian Johnson trilogy would be like — where he’s got original characters and not ruining characters made by others.
Of course, it could just be all Holdos and Roses.

Had a number of people in my mentions claim to have enjoyed The Last Jedi. Nice try, RUSSIAN BOTS. Why don’t you join a Rian Johnson fan club along with VLADIMIR PUTIN.

It wouldn’t have fixed everything, but imagine how much more anticipation there would be for the next Star Wars movie if The Last Jedi ended when Kylo extends his hand to Rey.
Luke would still be alive. Rose would not have given that stupid love speech so she’d be not nearly as despised. Much more vague what’s happening with the New Order and Resistance. Movie not as overly long.
Instead, Luke’s dead and we had a battle which firmly establish the New Order is run by two unthreatening goobers. Really, one of my biggest problems with TLJ is there was nothing to it that made me say “I have to see what happens next!” Death for the middle part of a trilogy.
Also, Rey not accepting Kylo’s offer is where Rian Johnson finally decided to stop defying expectations — the place where it actually would have made the story more interesting.

Increasing the power of the power of the presidency is a great idea when you’re certain the president is always going to be someone who you’ll agree with, much like the left were certain during the Obama presidency.

We’ve unfortunately seen numerous hate crime hoaxes by now, so if you hear about an incident that if it were in fiction it would be bad writing, just wait for more details before freaking out.

You can’t chase away all the rich people if you want to tax rich people.

The main purpose of corporations is not to give us tax money. It’s not even in the top ten.

It’s possible the Amazon deal was a terrible deal, but the people who are all celebrating they chased away 25,000 jobs are the absolute worst and should be kept away from any economic exchanges.

I have trouble getting over the fact that most of the main characters of Dinosaur Train aren’t dinosaurs.

It used to be scientifically accurate to say “If it swam or flew, it wasn’t a dinosaur.” Now it’s, “If it swam or flew, it’s not one of the cool dinosaurs. It’s either a marine reptile, a flying reptile, or a super lame dinosaur also known as a bird.”

It’s a national emergency that the president has too much power.

son meeting his t-ball coach
“Hi, I’m Jeremy.”
goes for a high five, but my son backs away
“You should wash your hands!”
“Huh?”
“Because you’re germy!”

I thought we shot all the socialists back in the 80s. Wasn’t that what those Rambo movies were about?

That Tetris 99 is kind of complicated to not have any instruction. I guess they figure everyone can google a thread on reddit.
And the Nintendo Direct didn’t emphasize enough that that game is free.

The best way to make sure people are paid $15 or more an hour is to start your own business and pay people that.

Maybe Smollett can just wait this out like that Virginia governor who we already forgot about. The way things are, you only have to hold out a day or two and some bigger story will come along.

That Tetris 99 is really fun and addictive for a free game. I would have paid good money for it. More than I would for Fortnite.
I guess it should be emphasized these days, but Tetris 99 is free—not freemium. There’s nothing to buy in it. If you have a subscription to Nintendo Online, you already paid for it (TANSTAAFVG).

Man, four kids is a lot of kids to keep track of when we’re out and about. I don’t know what we’re going to do when the fourth kid is mobile.

I enjoyed The Punisher season 2. Good ending if that’s the last we’ll see of the Punisher for a while.

Maybe both the Berlin Wall and Trump’s wall are bad, but it’s important to remember the Berlin Wall had to be built to keep people in because socialism is so bad and Trump’s wall is to keep people out because capitalism is so great.
One is like a prison wall. The other is like the wall around Disney World.

Oh no. People just yelled “This is MAGA country!” and shoved me in a barrel and threw me off of Niagara Falls but I was on the Canada side so it was really confusing.

I think the actual bigots were the ones whose BS sensors didn’t go off and instead said, “Yes, that sounds EXACTLY like things people wearing red hats would do.”

How is socialism “progressive”? It was an old, failed idea when Bernie Sanders was young. Come up with new horrible ideas.

Won’t Frozen 2 live or die on whether it has a big, show-stopping musical number? More than 50% of the popularity of Frozen was the song Let It Go.
Kids didn’t even seem to get the story. You can tell by how most young girls were obsessed with Elsa even though Anna was the protagonist and all Elsa did was freak out, sing, and wear a pretty dress.

Saying “conservatives did this” or “liberals did this” is weasel words as you can never tell right away if they’re talking about two or twenty million.

Saying “conservatives criticized Malia Obama” is true in the sense that “liberals are pedophiles” in that there are at least two that fit that description, making the plural justified. But it’s misleading.

I’m going to read the thoughts of people from decades ago and reflect on how I’m morally superior since I repeat from rote all the values I’ve been taught over and over since I was two.

I’m glad there’s no more recent racism than that interview from 1971 to get outraged about.

studies English grammar to figure out how to make “Bernie would have won” future tense

After being used to movies digitally, I hate DVDs. Feels like it takes and hour to actually get the movie started.

@#$& politicians always getting in the way of condiments.

What a better country this would be if we stopped pretending these mediocre people who run for president are objects worthy of praise and instead just recognize they are all but annoying obstacles in the way of ranch dressing.

Realistically, what percentage of journalists could learn to code?

I keep hearing because the right called everything socialism, eventually socialism became more popular. Did the same thing happen with the left calling everyone nazis and racists?
Socialism, nazism, and racism are all very very bad things. Open a book!

next in line for governor goes to address
“I’d like us to put this ugly episode behind…”
notices everyone is staring at him
“Uh oh. I’m still wearing my Nick Fury costume, aren’t I?”

Why is there that trope of a cowboy riding off into the sunset? That’s dumb. He’s not going to get very far since it’s going to be dark soon. Stay where you are, get a good night’s sleep, and ride out at sunrise. Not as dramatic, but much smarter.

I said years ago that Elizabeth Warren struck me as the biggest phony since John Edwards. I don’t know how people don’t see this.
And you have to really be blatant to be an exceptional phony for a politician.

I’m just going to get this out there in case there is recording of it somewhere: Back in the 80s, I used the word “oriental.” I deeply regret this and apologize.

Democrats are in this weird position now where showing a normal human reaction to infanticide is seen as a betrayal to the abortion movement.

“Jennifer Rubin is attacking Trump and the Republicans again.”
“Isn’t that the 80 millionth time in a row? Dog bites man. Who cares?”
“What if we headline it as ‘Conservative Columnist Shreds Trump’.”
“Will people still fall for that?”
shrugs

Watched the 1st episode of Punisher season 2, and in it Castle savagely beats up a few women. That something about gender politics that still confuses me. Is it misogynist because he was so much bigger than them or feminist because he was treating them the same way he would a man?

Cool. A giant government program to solve everything. Like with drugs, poverty, and health care.

I never in my life worried about starving, but if the government took over farms as part of guaranteeing everyone has food, I would start worrying.

If you have some vision to revamp society, the wrong way to go about it is some big government program.
“Think of all we can accomplish if we can just fine and imprison people who don’t share our vision!”

This is like a parody of the left. “We need to raise your taxes to pay for people who just don’t feel like working.”

I can’t fathom the purpose of the Green New Deal other than to make things like “We’re going to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it!” sound like a serious, well thought out policy proposal in comparison.

I want to be the first to start the conspiracy theory that AOC is working for Trump.

The right doesn’t take climate change seriously because the left doesn’t take it seriously. The GND could have made concessions to the right in order to win them over; instead, it was a laundry list of everything the left wants whether it has to do with the environment or not.

Is the plural in #BelieveWomen important? Because as soon as there are two credible allegations, I tend to toss all benefit of the doubt out the window.

“Climate change is a huge threat that could kill us all in twelve years so I want to make sure people unwilling to work get free money.”
Judging by actions, almost no one believes in climate change.

The FAQ exposed the creators of the Green New Deal as terminally unserious, so now we have AOC (and some journalists?) pretending it never existed?
This does seem like the place where useful journalists would come in and clarify the facts (Did AOC post that language?), but instead many just seem to be throwing up more smoke screen.
This is why Trump’s attacks on the press resonates. Sometimes they actively fight people knowing things when it hurts their cause. In certain areas, people would actually know more without them.

The government is full of terrible, terrible idiots with big plans to change everything and the only thing that saves us is a system that makes it really hard to get anything done.

Didn’t the Grammys lose all legitimacy after Hillary Clinton won one?

When I first saw an image of the Will Smith genie, I thought it was a quickly made photoshop joke.

The real enemy of the people is anyone who tries to convince you a particular politician isn’t terrible.

There should be a political party for people who don’t think the biggest problem facing this country is illegal immigrants or Jews.

Considering the number of people who find bigotry in everything on the right but are silent about Ilhan Omar, is there a hearing condition where you can hear dog whistles but not regular whistles?

pitching movies at Disney
“How about we take this–” grabs random Disney property “–and make it live action!”
“Brilliant!”

“How about a live action version of… uh… 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!”
“That already was live action.”
“What am I? A film historian?”
“Yeah, let’s go ahead and do it.”

Sometimes the issue isn’t whether the criticisms are legitimate but whether people only ever bring up those criticisms when Jews are involved.

You think she’ll make it to the end of the week without saying something anti-Semitic again?

3yo holds up empty plate “Look!”
“Good job. You can have a piece of candy.”
later finds food dumped on the table
A few days ago, we were laughing because she was hiding behind a curtain for no reason (she loves hide and seek, but no game was announced). A half hour later, we still saw her feet sticking out of the curtain. Ends up she was back there with a jar of candy she stole from pantry.

If the world were ending tomorrow, the NYT headline would be “World Ending; Women and Minorities Hardest Hit.” …unless the world ending was the fault of a Democrat. Then the headline would be “Republicans Pounce.”

The mistake was the people behind the GND being so terminally stupid they thought paying for people “unwilling to work” would be popular. Now they have to pretend they never meant to say that.

All Democrats want to do is save the environment and hate the Jews, and all Republicans want is to build a wall. I don’t know if the two will ever see eye to eye.
I think it’s all up to the president to craft one really great tweet that will bring everyone together.

What we need as a nation is giant robots to crush our enemies. I’m not really sure who our enemies are these days (it’s not my job to follow foreign affairs), but I know the compassionate/green way to deal with them is to stomp on them with massive metal feet.

Know what could be a hit now? Something like that stupid hippie “Sign, sign, everywhere a sign” song but about walls.

We all want justice, but in our imperfect understanding of what it is, we often commit injustice in its pursuit.

“Love your enemy” is a very radical notion that will always be ahead of its time.

The reason you’re unhappy is not billionaires.

Scrooge McDuck drowning in his money vault
“I’m a victim of capitalism!”

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
That guy loved us more than we love ourselves.

Before you complain about how awful everything is, imagine explaining your complaints to a caveman.
“On the glowing box that gives me access to all knowledge and connects me to all people in the world, some of the people I choose to read on it make me angry.”

Know who would make a terrible retiring assassin? Happys Mikkelsen.

Stop telling people to learn to code. Coding is very difficult. Only I should attempt it for a large fee.

The difference between the income tax and the wealth tax is the difference between someone constantly robbing you on the street and taking what’s in your wallet and someone constantly breaking into your house and pilfering your valuables.

“You don’t think the rich deserve their money, so you want to take it and give it to pedophiles?!”
“No, to politicians.”
“That’s even worse!”

If you’re wondering how screwed up the world is, Aquaman is now the most popular DC comics character ever going by worldwide movie gross.

I’m really looking forward to that upcoming movie where Detective Pikachu hunts down Ted Bundy.

The best way for Lex Luthor to get everyone to turn against Superman is to reveal he’s actually a journalist.

The little miracle of capitalism is two people exchange things and each walk away richer.

I just used GrubHub for the first time. We’re still hanging out at the hospital as our baby is in the NICU, and my wife really deserved some sushi. Who delivered it was grateful for the tip and I was very grateful to get the sushi. Isn’t that a nice exchange.

We have so many great things in modern society; always take some time to appreciate it. You have things way better than 99.9% of people who have lived throughout human history, so theoretically you should complain less than them.

If the Democrats run someone in 2020, they could end up stealing votes away from Howard Schultz causing Trump to be re-elected.

I saw that the cast of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel are seeking pay raises and my first reaction was that they need to pay the actress who plays Susie more because they’re always saying mean things about that character that has to hurt the actress’s feelings too.

With all that’s going on, I wonder if I need to learn how to teach people to code.

I’ve tried to teach my oldest daughter to code, and I did not realize how crazy complicated it is. Thinking back, I coded for like a decade before I even slightly understood what I was doing.
I find that’s a key to engineering, though: Being able to accomplish objectives while only understanding a small percentage of what you’re doing.

If you can get used to the feeling of being completely befuddled and not even having the slightest idea where to start, you can do anything.

Won’t one of the biggest factors for 2020 be whether RBG sticks around? Basic psychology is the potential loss of a seat on the court will be much more motivating to left than the potential gain will be to the right.

If every presidential election devolves into a simple fight over who gets to appoint a judge, that might be an indication that one part of the Constitution wasn’t very well thought out.

I’m planning to run for president in 2020 and steal votes from your preferred candidate unless you pay me one million dollars.

I thought 2016 was pretty dumb, but I now fully expect 2020 to be the least significant presidential election of my lifetime.

If iPhones were American made, they’d cost at least $50 more and be covered in orange cheese dust.

The least sexy part of socialism is using the violence of the state to interrupt peaceful, voluntary exchange.

High healthcare costs are one of those problems that would hard to describe to a caveman. “We have over twice your life expectancy, nearly eliminated women dying in childbirth, and cures for numerous ailments, but get this—it costs money!”

“When a partisan bites down upon a narrative, its jaw locks. No amount of facts can pry it open again.”

Come on, people—don’t you see the scam when a politician tries to get you angry at rich people? Don’t fall for it. Don’t be angry at the rich person; be angry at the politician. Always be angry at the politician.

A bad parking job is a reflection of low moral character.

All this healthcare stuff is like we had one toddler with a hammer try to fix our laptop and now we have a bunch more enthusiastic toddlers with shinier hammers ready to give it another go.

Who is going to stop the rich people from riching us with their many riches?!

Why are young people trying to bring back racism and socialism? It’s like they’re foraging through last century’s trash.

Maybe if you actually met and were friends with some billionaires, you wouldn’t be so scared of them.

It’s kinda funny how much the Democrats are freaking out about the Starbucks guy. “You’re going to steal votes from our candidate who we already assume is going to be terrible!”
Man, I bet Hillary would have liked that Starbucks guy to have run in 2016 so at least then she could blame him.

Can’t wait for the “Gosnell did nothing wrong!” chant at the 2020 Democratic National Convention.

The things Democrats hate the most now are billionaires and babies. If there were a billionaire baby, they would form a lynch mob.
“You’re stealing from the working man and something something women’s health!”

A good slogan for Trump in 2020 to keep all Republicans united behind him would be “Pretty much every bad thing said about him is true, but he still probably wouldn’t murder a baby.”

“If you could go back in time, would you murder baby—“
DEMOCRAT: “Yes.”

To a crying infant, dad is the “Is Pepsi okay?” of parents.

Current mental state: I teared up at “Carry On Wayward Son”
I’m not one of those people who thinks it’s okay for men to show emotion (it’s not), but after nearly a week’s frustration of my son being in the NICU, I allowed that one moment’s lapse. Just was a weird trigger.

The hatred for Howard Schultz is one of the most incoherent political hatreds I’ve ever seen and there is a lot competition for that.

It doesn’t seem tenable having a microscopically thin line between “medical procedure a highly paid doctor performs” and “worst crime a person can commit.”

I’m pretty busy right now, but tell me what your filming schedule is and might be able to play Batman for you.

A uniting factor of the worst views on the left and right is treating certain groups of people as a problem to be solved.

FAT BASTARD: “I eat babies!”
Fat Bastard receives an award for being a champion of reproductive health

No one who is for murdering babies could be a racist.

“I’m not a racist! I’m for dispassionately killing babies of all colors!”

How would you parody all this and make it more ridiculous than the reality? Have Northam wear a funny hat at his press conference?

Waldo is agoraphobic, and each page of a Where’s Waldo book is a window into one of his nightmares.

All these new tax ideas require the government to know too much about you. The government shouldn’t know how much money you have. They shouldn’t know how much you earn. I’m not even sure they should know your last name.

Taxes is the least way in which the rich contribute to society. Focusing on that over everything else is like killing the goose that lays the golden eggs because you like fried goose livers.

I mean literally as a ten year old I realized if I wanted to increase my city’s revenue, I had to focus on growth over raising taxes.

If you want to help people and fix what’s ailing society, stay away from politics and the government as much as possible.

I hope I’m never so libertarian I stop making fun of libertarians.

We’re much more keen to harassment now than when I was younger. Back when I was in high school, my guidance counselor told me “Learn to code” and nothing ever happened to him.

I feel like I’m going crazy, but wasn’t Samuel L. Jackson already in a movie called Shaft? I’m pretty sure I saw it.

People’s fair share of taxes to pay is zero. Anything beyond that, and we’re just trying to spread out the unfairness.

I don’t have cable or an antenna, so I couldn’t watch the Super Bowl. On the other hand, I also can’t watch the SOTU.

I missed the SOTU, but it sounded like everyone had fun. What a success!

Just baffling anyone would look at today’s society and think the problem is too much masculinity. It’s like how all the shouting about gun control seemed to reach its peak when gun violence was at a twenty year low.

I love how trailers now have a couple second pre-trailer because they’re afraid people won’t watch the trailer if they aren’t teased with the best scenes of it.

I enjoyed Green Book, but I was a bit turned off by how melodramatic and blatantly Oscar-bait it was.

I didn’t actually watch the Gillette ad. You all convinced me it was very tedious.

There’s a lot of people these days confusing what is fair with what is true.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone use the word “bourgeoisie” in a way that didn’t make me want to punch him.

DEMS: “We really, really care about bigotry. It’s not just partisan posturing for us.”
REPUBS: “Well here is some bigotry in your own party you could handle.”
DEMS: “Mmm… we’d rather not. But I did I tell you how Mitt Romney is basically George Wallace?”

I don’t know what Cardi B is. Sounds like something that should come with a long list of potential side effects.

I think ever since I was a kid I’ve mainly been bored by popular music and then a decade or two later I like it out of nostalgia.

I would also like to throw my hat in the ring for 2020. My promise as president is to do nothing other than cash my check each week.
Actually, I assume it’s some sort of bi-weekly direct deposit, so I’ll do even less than that.

I don’t like the new Slack logo. The hash meant something. This new logo is just generic. It makes me think I’m pulling up billing from a local hospital.

Everyone is free to criticize Christianity, just own up when you’re criticizing it. Jesus probably would be called a bigot by a lot of people today.
And a liberal sissy by others.

I think a big hang up these days is people put almost a religious significance on their lusts and the idea they should be able to satisfy them when they want, and the Bible is not in line with that. How many people these days still consider fornication a bad thing?
What’s the phrase? “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Always be evaluating what you consider important and why.

pitching Beto to the DNC
“That whole women and minorities thing? That fad is over. What we need for 2020 is a bland, rich white male… and the blander and richer the better! I’m talking Richie Rich eating mayo on white bread!”

People are going to scream even more about President Pence than they did about President Trump and I am not looking forward to it.

Oh, I never knew that “Parabellum” from 9mm Parabellum meant “prepare for war.” I always thought it described the shape of bullet or something.

My wife signed up our three kids for tee-ball/softball/baseball, and they start practices about the same time our fourth kid is due. So gonna… gonna be busy.

I’ve been hearing about Dragon Ball Z for decades now, and I still have no idea what it’s about. But every single image I’ve ever seen of it makes it look really dumb.
Weird buff baby people with ridiculous hair all looking intense.

It’s weird talking about the baby in the last month of pregnancy. We’re like, “We can’t wait until the baby gets here!” but the baby right there, kicking and squirming. Feels like we’re being rude and talking in front of him like he’s not there.

But Trump’s wall design isn’t going to stop rugs. They’ll be able to slip them right between the steel slats.

I wouldn’t kill baby Hitler. I’d just show him that Gillette ad so he’d know how to behave appropriately.

There’s no scientific debate about when human life begins. What there is is a religious debate of when do you place value on that human life. That’s something science can inform but not answer.

I wonder how life would be different if we prevented that unidentified assassin from murdering baby Hitler.
Wait; which time line is this?

Okay, when I first talking about how dumb Dragon Ball Z looked, I didn’t even know what the title of the new movie was which almost seems like someone playing a joke on me or a translation error.

At some point we’re all just going to have to admit that Trump has never done anything wrong and is a scandal-free president.

Now that Buzzfeed has been disproven, can we go back to worrying about loose rugs at the border?

Buzzfeed’s credibility is shot. Next time they say, “Look at this hilarious cat video!” we’ll be like, “No. Not getting burned again.”

Everything will be good and peaceful when we all agree on the right people to angrily scream at.

My 3yo just woke up from her nap singing Baby Shark at the top of her lungs.

It would be funny if they gave the new Ghostbusters movie the same name as the cartoon: The Real Ghostbusters.

Not only is not joining in a Twitter mob the vastly more moral course of action, it’s actually the easier thing to do.

I don’t care what the facts are! I want to be angry!

Blood moon! I was half expecting a monologue from Zelda.

The people who claim to be raging against hate and bigotry these days usually end up just demonstrating it.

The key to the Democrats winning in 2020 will be finding someone who is just mediocre and not actively terrible.

When we finally have a woman president, isn’t she going to seem pretty anticlimactic compared to Margaret Thatcher being prime minister way back in 1979? I’m guessing sexism was worse then.

While focusing on how bad everyone else is, don’t forget that you are also bad and you are also the person you have the most direct control over.

Twitter mob reading 1984
“Two minutes? How do they get by on so little hate?”

We all have to get over our prejudice, hatred, and bigotry if we want Trump’s Space Force to be successful.

The sickest thing are the people reacting like a vampire to a cross to the suggestion that maybe they shouldn’t hate that kid. They are everything they claim to despise.

As president, I wont fight for you. I won’t even care about you. Yes, that makes me no different than the other presidential candidates, except I’m being forthright about it.

I just wish you people would stop pretending to be motivated by tolerance or justice or whatever because it’s obscene. What you like is hating groups of people because it makes you feel important, and you squeal like stuck pigs at the mere notion you shouldn’t rush to hate.

The reason you’re so sure other people are hate-filled bigots is quite obviously because of something called “projection.”

I watched that Once Upon a Deadpool. I liked the parts where he spoke to camera and made references to things I knew. It sounds sarcastic but it’s true.

If the left really think the world is going to end from climate change, shouldn’t they being ceding every social and economic issue in order to get the Republicans to go along with them? Every single issue you argue about doesn’t matter next to the world ending.
“We’ll outlaw all abortions in exchange for a carbon tax.” That would really get the Republicans’ attention on climate change.
With climate change, there’s a lot of rhetoric saying the whole world is at risk, but there aren’t a lot of actions saying it. And that’s why people tend to dismiss it as partisan silliness.

I didn’t find Black Panther to be particularly special beyond being a top tier Marvel movie, but I still support it winning best picture over some boring stupid movie that doesn’t even have explosions in it.

These Oscar nominations seem like a boon for Netflix which is known for having extremely mediocre movies. I could check out Roma right now if I were so inclined (but I haven’t even started Punisher season 2).

I never even heard of The Favourite. Going by the ‘u’, it looks foreign.

Of the movies I saw last year, the only thing that blew me away was Spider-Man Into the Spiderverse. And Avengers: Infinity War to a lesser extent — more for the unique spectacle of 18 movies leading up to one.

That Elton John piano ad should have gotten an Oscar nomination.

The best picture noms tend to be those “eat your vegetables” movies where I really have to force myself to watch them. “Come on, Frank; it’s good for you! You’ll feel so good afterwards.” But I’ll immediately tear open a bag of Doritos.
It’s not the best analogy because as an adult I really like vegetables now… but you probably get my point.
I remember in the long long ago when I was a bachelor and had Netflix DVDs through the mail, I always had “important” movies in my queue. They tended to sit around forever while I immediately watched any forgettable blockbuster that arrived.
I also watched a lot of Zatoichi movies. Those got increasingly dumb, but they made me feel sophisticated because they were black and white and had subtitles.

If you’re a millionaire and live next door to a billionaire, how much time should you spend being thankful for your good fortune versus being angry you have so much less than that other guy?

The twitter mob stuff resonates because everyone can imagine themselves as being the victim of one.

I’d buy the culturally significant argument for Black Panther. I think it will be remembered years from now — which a lot of Best Picture nominees can’t say.

So is it now that anytime someone touches their pointer finger to their thumb, it’s a sign of being a nazi?

Just live your life so a single moment could never be taken out of context and used to destroy you.

Everyone is always imaging themselves to be Captain America and ending up an off-brand nazi.

“The child has been found guilty of facecrime. Allowing him tell his side on the Today Show will only further harm all of us attacked by his expression.”

“I want to be praised for my hate because I picked the right target!” -racist Southerns in the 60s, absolutely everyone else

Did spewing all your hatred at a random teen cure racism yet?

What really gets me is these people claim to be against hate. That’s like a guy randomly firing an AR-15 into a crowd claiming to be against guns.

This is all still the warm up act for when Trump has to replace RBG.

Wow. Dems get really touchy when someone points out they’re bigots.
Why can’t anyone ever be like “Wow. Thanks. I’ll try to be less irrational and hateful in the future.”?

Seems like it undermines a lot of your attacks on Trump if you can’t admit AOC is a dummy.
“I feel very very strongly that we need marginally less obnoxious fact-challenged dummies running things.”

Man, I’d be so happy if we just made fun of all the politicians as stupid dummies together.

I’m just hoping a decade from now people get fired because it was revealed that years ago they used to search old tweets for reasons to sic mobs on people.

There seems to be two types of socialism. There’s the full command economy with the murder and starving of millions, and then there’s that socialism that’s more of a parasite on capitalism that can be somewhat successful if it doesn’t make the host too sick.

The Republicans have to do better at policing racism within their ranks. Democrats can’t do it for them because they’re too busy normalizing anti-Semitism.

This whole Beto thing just feels like some joke I don’t get.

Why is there not more of a discussion of what a terrible gang name “MS-13” is? Sounds like a label you’d find on a stool sample.

Yay. Now the only two currently airing sitcoms I watch are back to back on the same channel… though that doesn’t make any difference since I’ll be watching them the day after on Hulu.

Being excited for a politician should be a disqualifier for voting.

I didn’t see Micro in the The Punisher season 2 trailer. One of my favorite parts of The Punisher was their dynamic.

Ended up going with Digital Storm for a new PC. Looks like you pay a premium with them, but I really want something reliable without a lot of IT issues.
Also, they had a case for a gaming-level PC that wasn’t a glowing RGB LED monstrosity.

Really enjoying this book The Fold I’m reading. Still, I’m just over halfway through and the characters finally reached a conclusion I reached in the first chapter, which was a little frustrating.
I guess I can allow that since I knew I was reading a sci-fi story so I immediately reached for sci-fi explanations but the characters don’t necessarily know they’re in a sci-fi story so would be slower to those conclusions. Still, seemed obvious with what they were dealing with.

Aww. My 3yo already knows that Zelda is the girl.
On the other hand, when she sees a picture of Darth Vader, she says, “Look! It’s I Am Your Father!”
One of my all time favorite things was when I played Lego Star Wars with my daughter, and when she saw the creation of Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith, she exclaimed in shock, “Anakin became Star Wars!”

Trump? More like “Rump” because he’s a butt.
If only had thought of this in 2016, this all could have been prevented.

People going to the moon in 1969 still seems more futuristic than anything that’s happened in my lifetime.

Finished the main part of Celeste on Switch. It really was just the right amount of being super hard. I got 109 strawberries (which I’m really proud of), and I died only 1,679 times.

Why are we so worried about toxic masculinity when society is so full of dorks now? You’d think the opposite would be our bigger problem. We didn’t get to the moon by sharing feelings.

One thing I never would have predicted — along with the Trump presidency — is Meghan McCain emerging as one the most consistently strong voices on the right.
I remember when she was first on the scene, she was like Ana Navarro where her shtick was “Republican who criticizes Republicans” but never seemed to write anything anyone on the left would disagree with — but a youthful perspective where I don’t think it was dishonest.
I was dismissive of her then, but now she seems like someone with conviction and something to say.

What a great time to be alive for people who want to be lectured by large corporations.

I’m going to assume Mysterio is creating illusions of monsters so he can then be the hero and will be surprised if anything other than that is going on. #SpiderManFarFromeHome
I don’t want to be too cynical here. The trailer made the movie look as much fun as the first, which I really enjoyed. Ned is the greatest hero in the MCU.

sees Trump standing around a bunch of burgers meant for college footballs players
“Something is obviously very wrong here since it involves Trump, and I’m just going to keep shouting things until I figure out what.”

What is your economic value of Netflix? I think it would have to least double its price before I’d think about canceling.

Did you get a load of that Gillette ad? It used to be you’d patronize corporate brands, but now they’re patronizing you! #TopicalHumor

The rich’s biggest contribution to this country aren’t taxes. I don’t think it’s anyone’s.

certifiably insane person in 2010
“Donald Trump will be president and the number one superhero will be Aquaman!”

I make fun of Trump, but it’s good to remember we spent billions on an election in 2016 and he was the best we could find.

This is the most advanced society has ever been. It’s never been this old before.

Shouldn’t the “chickenhawk” charge now be directed at those drones that just flying around taking video instead of firing hellfire missiles at people overseas?

It seems like just a few years ago they did a comic where Aquaman was confronted with the fact that he’s kind of a joke and “no one’s favorite superhero.”

Trump sees Warren presidential announcement
“Bring it to me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Now!”
hesitantly, a man with a briefcase handcuffed to him approaches the president
he opens the case and places it on the desk
Trump’s hand slams down on a red button inside labeled “Dank Meme”

“Can you believe what Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said?”
“Yes.”
“What she said was…”
“Yep, sounds like her.”
“It was really ridiculous how…”
“I’m sure.”
“What she actually said was…”
“Very interesting!”

There are lots of idiots in safe seats in the House. Usually once or twice a year they say something dumb enough to make news. They’re not worth more attention than that.

Story-wise, I didn’t find Bandersnatch very satisfying, but it did get me obsessed with seeing what the different choices did.
Funny it was set in 1984 but what it most reminded me was of 90s CD-ROM games… but with quality acting and production values.

Before you accept the “people are outraged” premise, make them come up with at least two verifiable names.

It’s morally wrong for the government to take more than 10% of the money someone earns.
And also the 10%.

I think the best thing for the Star Wars episode IX scroll to start with would be an apology.

Even most really greedy jealous people find a 70% tax rate morally wrong.

I think the Elizabeth Warren candidacy will be very popular with progressives who secretly want Trump re-elected because they love being angry and yelling.

Going by history, people a hundred years from now will have such great technology and advantages that they’ll look back on our lives as brutish and short. And they will spend twice as much time complaining about how miserable things are.

A parent’s greatest fear is your children misbehaving in public and then overhearing someone say, “What bad children!” and then overhear Mr. Miyagi correct that person saying, “No such thing as bad children; only bad parents.”

“Cry ‘Havoc!,’ and let slip the dogs of war!”
“But they’ve surrendered.”
“In that case… let slip the dogs of peace!”
the battlefield is swarmed with pugs

Star Wars Episode IX trailer opens with Rose standing in a field
ROSE: “Hi, everybody!”
a starship crashes into her as a stunned Finn watches
FINN: “Oh no! Rose is dead!”
looks directly into camera
FINN: “Everyone is sad about this.”
winks

Reminds me that one of the things I was excited for after Force Awakens was Finn’s character arc as he didn’t have any analog in the previous trilogy, but all The Last Jedi did was pair him with Rose and send him on a completely stupid and pointless adventure.

“Master Yoda, should we really let all the ancient Jedi texts burn?”
“It is time to start anew.”
“But they mentioning seemingly important things I’ve never heard of, like ‘midichlorians.’”
“LET THAT WORD DIE WITH YOU!”

I really like 80s music. They should make more of it.

You can say the rich don’t deserve their money, but the sociopathic morons in government deserve it a million times less.

AOC is very much a Trump-era politician, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in so much as it gets Americans to stop treating politicians in general as smart, serious people.

If I had to use one word to describe Netflix’s Bandersnatch, it would be “frumious.”

It’s at least as accurate to say liberals love anti-Semitism as it is to say conservatives were outraged by AOC dancing.

The APA says I have dangerous levels of masculinity. Everyone stay back. I could do something awesome.

A speech by Trump followed by a response by the Democrats is going to be so great and useful.
“Wall is great. Wall unstoppable. Everyone love wall.”
“Wall is bad. Walls are racist. No like wall!”

I’m not saying it can’t be good, but all the trailers so far are making me think that Captain Marvel movie is going to be a lower tier Marvel film. Nothing about it stands out.
Lower tier Marvel means entertaining but extremely forgettable. I don’t think there’s been a terrible MCU film yet.

“The Great Wall of China. Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Mark Wahlberg. There have been many tremendous walls admired by all…”
If Trump still needs a speech writer, I cost one million dollars.
“Without walls, wind would blow on us constantly. Without walls, the neighbor’s dog would be even louder. And without walls, we will be defenseless against the dreaded Mexico.”

Can’t we compromise and build a wall but then let Banksy spray paint something subversive on it — something that will make us all go, “Oh, Banksy. You’re incorrigible.”

“Now that we’ve had our revolution and got rid of all those fascist walls, it’s time to take those tyrants who were in charge and put their backs up against the… Oh no!”

Maybe RBG is staying home to start work on her 2020 presidential campaign.

The way this Twilight Zone episode ends is that as soon as Trump finishes his wall, he realizes he left his cellphone on the other side.

Wait, is this wall going to have a door? Because sometimes we need to go to Mexico for fireworks and stuff.

“You think you’re protecting yourself from Mexico, but when you build that wall, you’ll be locked in here. With us.”

The whole notion that cultural appropriation is a thing seems racist and stupid to me.

It would never in a millions years occur to me to look up who advertises on a show I don’t watch.

Reading The Right Stuff, and I got to a part that would be really scary if I hadn’t recently seen Chuck Yeager tweet.

I bet even Chuck Yeager couldn’t land on the aircraft carrier at the end of each level on Top Gun for NES.

“You know, no matter what happens, I get paid the same.” -me as President giving the State of the Union address

As I understand it, the main conflict in Hellboy is he wants to find his own path in life and not just work for his father’s condiment company.

You see, his name is “Hellboy” and the brand name for the most popular mayo looks like “Hellman” who would be Hellboy’s father.
It’s a quality jape.

Hey, car companies, could you stop with the “horsepower” nonsense? We get it. You win. Cars are a hundred times better than a horse. Now leave what’s left of the poor horse industry alone.

I’m fine with horsepower for garbage disposals, though.
“Wow! This one third as good as shoving this all down a horse’s throat!”

Tucker Carlson might be a racist, but if your reaction to speech you don’t like on a show you don’t even watch is to look up advertisers to force that person off the air, you’re not morally better than a racist.

“We would like to apologize. It’s come to our attention that our ‘$5 to Punch an Otter’ exhibit is problematic.”

Nothing is more pretentious than nihilism. It’s one of those things that people like to make arguments for to seem smart, but judging by people’s actions, is something no one actually believes.

Finally saw No Country for Old Men. I found it very well made and engrossing, but I didn’t quite get what it all added up to.

I find a tragic ending as just a cheap way of trying to appear deep. An earned happy ending is a much harder thing to pull off.

I think my favorite moving ending was the ending to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. It was the perfect conclusion for each of the three characters.

The trailer for the Men in Black reboot looks exactly like what you’d expect for a Men in Black reboot which is another way of saying “meh.”

I don’t want a wall, but I also don’t want the government to be open. So I’m torn.

Despite you having to be careful about saying “Merry Christmas” out loud, it’s by far the most popular holiday. It’s very viral.

Why can’t we have a compromise between “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays” like the British and say “Happy Christmas!”?

My son asked Santa for a “Zelda costume.” I’m pretty sure he meant a Link costume, but either way, I feel like I messed up somewhere.
Having to sit down with my own son and explain to him “Zelda is the girl” — I never thought it would come to that.
In fairness to my own son so he doesn’t one day say I slandered his video game knowledge, I think he meant “Zelda costume” as “That costume from the Zelda game.”

Praying for a speedy recovery for RBG, but going to make sure my bomb shelter is prepped just in case. Probably want a Faraday cage as well to make sure Twitter can’t reach me.

Technically, if Trump has an opportunity to put someone else in RBG’s seat, I should be happy with that because it probably means a SCOTUS I agree more with, yet the thought just fills me with existential dread.

I want to make fun of kids watching all those stupid YouTube stars, but one of my favorite things to watch are all the Red Letter Media videos.

Do parents actually get worried when their kids play around with toy guns? I’m just happy when it’s anything that doesn’t involve screens.

Man, we were all so worried what the wall would look like before we saw the giant steel slats with the spikes on top.

That Aquabro movie looks dumb but the actor playing him looks like he’s having a ton of fun. I would think looking legitimately excited to play Aquaman would make you the greatest actor ever.

Whatever happened to kids animated movies being G-rated? Even Disney movies these days are PG. Back when I was a kid, if an animated movie was rated PG, it was going to mentally scar you.
I’m thinking specifically of Wizards.

BTW, the original True Grit, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Planet of the Apes were all rated G.

I never got Michelle Obama’s fashion sense, but I never criticized as my fashion sense is “all shirts go with a pair of jeans.”

Why would assume I know all the other reindeer but not the most famous one of all? That makes no sense.
Christmas is only one day; not twelve. And most of those things don’t even sound like gifts. Maids a milking? What in the world are you even talking about?
Who is Parson Brown? What kind of games are these kids playing?
Where exactly is Santa Claus Lane? Is it used throughout the rest of the year?
“What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight” You mean this song, right? How many other sleighing songs are there?

I just want to weigh in on this David Hogg thing and say I got a 1570 on the SATs just because I worked really hard on it back in the day but haven’t had a reason to bring it up in two decades.
I got a 1480 the first time and was happy with that, but my mom made me take it again and I somehow improved my math score from 710 to a perfect 800 which seems like quite a deviation.
I should note that even with a 1570, I didn’t even get in to MIT or Princeton and got wait-listed with Caltech.

My dad always said we he proudly told his father what he got on the SATs, his father responded, “Great! So what did you get on the other half?”

Arguing about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is a Christmas tradition.

Everyone is scared of a bear market on Wall Street, but have you ever thought of how terrifying a REAL bear market would be? A whole marketplace full of irritated bears for sale, all testing their cages. And the prices! I’m not paying THAT for a bear!

Something that always stuck with me was an interview with Jack Handey and the mention of the notion of pure comedy—jokes that are timeless and have no references to pop culture, current events, or politics. I’m not particularly good at that, but I find it an admirable goal.

Why would you even bother to have other Christmas music when you have Mannheim Steamroller?

Saw Spider-man: Into the Spiderverse with my kids and we all really enjoyed it. Only thing I didn’t understand is why Miles doesn’t have the same last name as his father.
Best answer I could find on the Googles is Miles is embarrassed to share his name with the musician Miles Davis… though his father apparently isn’t embarrassed to share his name with the president of the Confederacy.

pitching a movie or tv show these days
“So, the story takes place in 1984 and…”
“Sold!”

I’m plotting a heist to steal the queen’s gold piano. Who wants in?

I one of those people who only ever watched the first episode of Black Mirror so that’s my only impression of it.

“I’m just saying this so the previous thing I said would not be my last words as it was pretty bad.” #FamousLastWords

“They couldn’t hit elephants at this distance. Look; I can jump up and down and wave my arms and the snipers won’t—Ahh! I’m falling down a well!” #FamousLastWords

“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—Ahh! They shot an elephant and it fell on me!” #FamousLastWords

“I’m still Alex from the Bronx.”

I didn’t hear any of Louis CK’s act (I’m almost completely unfamiliar with his comedy), but pearl-clutching is always funny.

All comedy is problematic.

I pay more than my mortgage for health insurance, I shouldn’t have to call them to sort out every $40 flu shot claim.
This time, I had Walgreens run the new card I got just this week, but for some reason they said my insurance is only good through 2017. I don’t know who screwed up—Walgreens or United Healthcare, but why do we still have a system so prone to constant screwups?
Health insurance sure acts like a company the government forces you to buy.

Elizabeth Warren is running for president just to entertain us.

This might seem an odd criticism about a movie about the first man landing on the moon, but I didn’t really get what The First Man was supposed to be about.

Why are people still opposed to the wall? Didn’t they see the slats?

The best solution to climate change is to ignore it. It thrives on attention.

My advice for everyone in 2019 is the same advice I constantly give my kids: Stop whining!

The left are conceding freedom of speech, comedy, and due process to the right, but on the other hand, the right are also stuck with Trump.

Aquaman is not the hero we need but he’s the hero we deserve.

I hope 3 years is enough for Cohen to learn his lesson and not do whatever it is he did again. Collude with Russia or something? I don’t really follow all this.

“Why do Republicans keep spending so much attention on the dumb socialist who gets constant media coverage and says lots of dumb things? Let me plug this data into my calculator to figure it out.”
BEEP
BOOP

3yo: “Say ‘I am your father.'”
ME: “Okay.” in deep voice “I am your father.”
3yo: “That’s not true! That’s impossible!”
…
3yo: “Say ‘Search your feelings.'”

People who do not like The Princess Bride do not deserve scorn; they deserve pity. Think of how you’d feel if you were denied the joy of that movie.

I always found the limitation on who can be president the most pointless part of the Constitution. If the American public really were about to elect a 5yo Chinese national as president, one line in the Constitution isn’t going to rescue us.

A really great idea is to have presidents constantly daring the Supreme Court to stop them.

I could be chief of staff. How much does it pay?

The scientific name of the subspecies the western lowland gorilla is — and I’m not making this up — Gorilla gorilla gorilla.
That kind of seems unfair to the other gorillas. The western lowland gorilla will be seen as the “true gorilla” and the others as something lesser.
And, for the record, there is nothing scientific about saying the world “gorilla” three times in a row.

What is a good amount of paternity leave? For my second kid, I got two weeks, which felt like a lot. For this upcoming fourth kid, I plan to take a week off. I work from home and have a flexible schedule, so anything more seems excessive.

I find the Beto stuff bizarre. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I honestly don’t get his appeal beyond him being a bland privileged white guy.
Let me be clear: I don’t have anything against bland, privileged white guys. I just expect there to be something else to someone before everyone rallies around him to be president. Beto seems interchangeable with millions of other people.

Why would you do a Downton Abbey movie? The series ending was almost like an homage to the Wayne’s World happy ending. Seems cruel to not just leave that the last word on the characters.

John Mulaney is an interesting choice for Chief of Staff. I wish him success in that role and hope his Spider-man movie out today does well, too.

My daughter got some toy test tubes from the dollar store and calls them “science tubes.” She’s labeled them and put different colored liquids in them because that is how you science.

A big part of being successful is learning from failure. When Nancy Sinatra’s single “These Boots Are Purely Ornamental” was a flop, she learned what didn’t work with that song to eventually make a number one hit.

Time to watch the Star Trek Christmas special The Wreath of Khan.

I think we all agree Trump is a pretty decent president, but our biggest fear is that an advanced alien race visits our planet, asks to see our leader, and when they go to see Trump, he kills them and eats them.

I’d like to conduct my life in a way where it’s easier to tell I’m a Christian and harder to tell my exact politics.

Here’s how to make a good Aquaman movie:
1. Have him played by Keanu Reeves
2. Give him a gun
3. Change his name to “John Wick”
4. Don’t have him go anywhere near water

I feel like anyone arguing Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie should end their statement with “Bah humbug!”

The left are completely incoherent. One moment they’re saying we need to fight global warming and the next moment they’re saying we need to abolish ice.

The character Holdo from The Last Jedi seemed like misogyny entrapment. The purple hair, cocktail dress, how she treated Poe – you were supposed to be dismissive of her and then proven wrong in the end. But you weren’t wrong. No functional military should have had her as a leader

Is it just me, or is the idea you need four years of college to program computers kind of a scam?

officials in England in the 1990s
“Knives and swords are okay — we can deal with those — but a super-powered nunchuk attack is UNBLOCKABLE. We can’t even let kids see it lest they tie two sticks together with a string.”

My novel Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled is free today on Kindle. Merry Christmas!

I didn’t finally start playing GTA V until recently because I felt so burned by GTA IV which had perfect reviews but I found it tedious. Haven’t finished it, but so far it’s like 20 times better than IV.
GTA V is the third highest selling game of all time, so I kind of felt obligated to finally try it and find out why.
The only thing I want is more fast travel. I don’t enjoy driving 5 minutes from one end of the map to the other. I have been using cabs less than I did in GTA IV, though.

The irony of Chick-fil-A being closed on Sunday is the business they’re most missing out on are Christians going out for lunch after church.

I want to be the person who draws the pictures for IKEA assembly instructions.
“Make it look a lot like the real thing… but slightly off so everyone is always second-guessing themselves.”

From a purely economic perspective, if the goal of feminism is to increase the stature of women, shouldn’t most of the focus of it be on getting society to value child bearing more as that’s the one thing women can do that men can’t?
Instead, a lot of the focus seems to be on the importance of having women CEOs or more women in STEM — which just increases the importance of those field in the public’s eyes. If men continue to dominate in them, that would actually be counterproductive.
Strangely, even many “feminists” seem to look down on child bearing, which from a pragmatic standpoint is quite absurd. Of the occupations CEO, tech guru, and mother, only one is absolutely necessary to the human race.
Well, unless some tech guru can invent an artificial womb. But I expect that to fair much worse than even formula versus breast milk.

Maybe not the most popular time to say this, but Douthat is the most interesting opinion writer at the NYTimes, right? If not him, who?

“Wow! This would be great for ruining desserts!” -discoverer of walnuts

The Deadpool movies looked funny, but I haven’t seen them as they sounded a little too R-rated for me to enjoy them, so I guess I’m the audience for the new holiday PG-13 release.

So is Kevin Hart just too evil to host the Oscars, or is he too evil to even associate with at all but we didn’t notice until he was asked to host the Oscars?

I find it strangely comforting that the sun is still too bright to look at from Pluto. Makes it feel like it’s not that far away from everything.
Get to the edge of the Oort cloud, though…

Had to log into my 401k to change a setting. Have been trying to avoid looking at that.

I’m going to write a long form piece on why Die Hard is a Christmas movie but Die Hard 2 is just a movie that takes place during the Christmas season.

I don’t want to mess with perfection, but I’m kind of interested in what happened to Tuco after the end of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
Actually, there’s my Netflix series pitch: A new series following Tuco from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Starts with him stranded with his hands tied and a bunch of bags of gold. Will probably have flashbacks to explore his back story.

Trying to teach my kids how to play Smash Bros. well, I realized I have a lot to teach them.
“You’ll need to do a smash attack to finish him off. You can just hit the other joystick in any direction.”
“What’s a joystick?”

Would have been hilarious if after all this wait it was just called “Avengers: Infinity War Part 2”

I don’t think AOC is fascist as much as she is just kinda dumb.

“What about if we run out of cartoons to turn into live action?”
“We just pray to the frozen head of Walt Disney that never happens.”

I still don’t know who Max Boot is and why people feel it necessary to engage him if he’s acting so dishonestly.

Extreme right: Dishonest
Extreme left: Dishonest
Extreme center: Almost comically dishonest
There’s like three rails not to touch.

Is Nightmare Before Christmas a Halloween or a Christmas movie? I see it was originally released in October.
It’s like if in Die Hard, Nakatomi Plaza were taken over by vampires and werewolves. Then it would be harder to know whether to put it in the Christmas movie genre.

My kids now go through Cholula (or “chew-wa” as my 3yo calls it) as fast as they do ketchup.

If the journalists are the defenders in the war on truth, most casualties in that war are from friendly fire.

I’m amazed by how well my 5yo son can play video games while still not understanding fundamentals. He’s already legitimately beating me in Smash Bros but will sometimes just fall off the stage and just stare at me when I tell him to use his Up B special.
While he was 4, he somehow hacked his way through Mario + Rabbids while never quite getting the cover system (or knowing how to upgrade or pick the best weapons).

I don’t get angry when the government shuts down. I get angry when it opens again.

We’re always talking about who gets the blame for a government shutdown, but how many people actually care?

The genius of capitalism is it’s the only system that doesn’t rely on anyone’s benevolence—which if you’ve ever dealt with people, you realize we’re only capable of that in sporadic bursts.

“I’ll have a Coke.”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
“Um… sure.”
“Then what would like instead? …Wait what did you say?”
“I said yes on the Pepsi.”
“Huh?”
“You asked if Pepsi was okay.”
“It was a rhetorical question.”
“Just bring the Pepsi.”
“We don’t have Pepsi.”

According to basic economics, there has to be a lot of people who prefer Pepsi to Coke. In my near 40 years on Earth, though, I’ve met one. We called him “Pepsi Dave.”

I’m reading this book on Einstein and there could theoretically be an alternate universe in which people are asked “Is Coke okay?” It’s hard to believe. I’ll have to do the math on that.

Scientists know the easiest way to fight climate change is to shoot it with guns but they won’t say that because they’re afraid that might embolden the right.

If I was one of the Sentinelese and you gave me cheeseburgers and an iPad, I would love you forever.

How far away do you have to be before you can get away with staring directly at the sun? Can look directly at it from Mars? What about Europa? Titania? Pluto? Further?
Found someone on Quora saying you’d have to be about ten times as distant as Pluto.

Your supposed to love your neighbor. And everyone you encounter on online is your neighbor.

Nothing like when you and your family come back from a long trip and see the look in your cat’s eyes of pure disappointment that you’re not all in fact dead.

It’s good to read about history to remind yourself we don’t have actual problems.

Every night that it’s not cloudy, my 3yo asks to go out at night to see Mars (it’s been visible for a few months now). I tell her we have robots there.
My son (5) asks how do we make sure the robots don’t turn evil. We can’t. They’re far away on Mars. It’s out of our hands now.

Parents need to teach their kids that if they see a Russia, don’t collude with it.

I keep imagining this Roadrunner type cartoon where an anti-Semite keeps trying to push Israel into the sea but then always ends up in the sea himself.

“I like individual liberty. Which party should I choose?”
“Well, it considers. Which part of individual liberty do you hate most?”
“No, I want more–”
“The two parties are very distinct in which liberties they’re going to destroy first.”
“But I don’t–”
“Make sure to vote!”

If I were running a speech platform, I probably wouldn’t just ban people arbitrarily and then be really opaque about the reasons. But what do I know?
The answer is “a lot.” I’m very very smart.

So here is the device I made to beep at my 5yo son if he’s talking too loudly to his sister at night while we’re trying to watch Supernatural. Why in this space age should I have to do parenting when we have electronics?

It’s a simple program running on an Arduino. The passive buzzer will beep if the SparkFun Sound Detector detects too high a level of sound. The level is determined by adjusting the potentiometer.

For a more advanced project, I’m thinking about using machine learning to detect when my kids are whining so a computer can get on them about that instead of me. Eventually I should write a parenting book with diagrams and code samples.

If I, a scientist or something similar, can make a device to beep at his noisy kid, the shouldn’t you believe scientists on climate change?

So the first night of using it, the volume warning device was a partial success. The problem was it went off too much, beeping at even small clatter. I think the problem is it triggers on one instance of the volume going over the acceptable level.
What I think I’ll do is change the logic so it needs a more sustained loud noise to trigger it. That way it should trigger on loud talking and not just one small noise.
Parenting: It takes ingenuity, iteration, and a small amount of soldering.

I don’t get people saying things like: “How can you like Rage Against the Machine? Aren’t they singing against your politics?”
I’ve never understood the lyrics to a single song in my entire life. It’s all just word noise.

A surprisingly large number of people on the left don’t care about anti-Semitism they can’t blame on the right — which is to say they don’t actually care about anti-Semitism.

To me, a song is just a catchy tune and I don’t care what politics or beliefs it espouses. For instance, I find the concept of a “banana phone” to be morally abhorrent, but I still enjoy Raffi.

I read Walter Isaacson’s biography of Einstein, and really really enjoyed it. Great combination of cool science and history. It was strangely exciting to go back to a world where atoms were still theoretical and people were unearthing how the universe worked.

Always find it bizarre when some political figure that no one had expressed strong opinions on in ages dies and all these people come out of the woodwork to express how they hate him—usually with some vague reference to something they think they read about him from decades ago.

“I can’t sit idly by while people celebrate this awful man. I have integrity!”
I assure you: You don’t have integrity. You don’t even hate the guy. You’re just a partisan idiot.

We’re all partisan idiots some times. Try and let humanity triumph.

Did the Buster Scruggs part of The Ballad of Buster Scruggs remind anyone else of The Three Amigos? My favorite scene from that was when they tried to get the catina to see along with them while everyone was terrified of them.

Watched The Christmas Chronicles with the kids. Seemed a pretty paint-by-numbers kids save Christmas story—except you have Kurt Russell as Santa. Kids enjoyed it.

George H. W. Bush had the most boring presidency during my lifetime—which right now looks pretty good.

So proud. My 5yo son burned me good.
SON: “Got all the trash.”
ME: “I see some trash right in front of me.”
SON: rolls eyes “You mean me. Know who Batman beats?”
ME: “Who?”
SON: points a finger at me “The Joker!”

I think the proudest my dad ever was of me was when I was a teenager and he let slip he went to a think tank once and without missing a beat I replied, “What were you doing there? Were you lost?”

Any time I see someone in my mentions disagree with me, I immediately block. You’re not tricking me this time, Russian bot.

The best revenge is to not be a bitter, angry person.
Okay, maybe it’s not the best revenge, but it’s still good advice. A lot of the best advice has nothing to do with revenge.

Is the supposition that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is even dumber than the average congressman? Because that is an assertion that requires hard evidence.
Just to be clear, the $21 trillion thing is pretty good evidence that Ocasio-Cortez is profoundly stupid.
Though I still don’t know if she’s exceptionally stupid for Congress… especially versus others in safe districts.

I keep accidentally calling Captain Marvel “Ms. Marvel,” but I feel like I should get feminist points for not calling her “Miss Marvel.”

Judging by the trailers, I’m expecting Captain Marvel to be on the Thor 2 tier of Marvel movies — the lowest tier — and nowhere near the Thor 3 tier — the highest tier.

Finally started the dead-man-walking season of Daredevil. Four episodes in, it’s really good. Too bad there’s like no where else for it to go to find a home.

The Captain Marvel trailer was just so “meh” compared to like a Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Alison Brie (who I only know — and like — from a couple appearances on Community) seems uninteresting in it. Overall, trailer makes it look like a blander Guardians of the Galaxy.
I meant Brie Larson — who was in two episodes of Community. I constantly mix up her name with Allison Brie — star of Community.
I’d be much more excited for Captain Marvel if it starred Allison Brie.

Pass us a tax, you’re the tariff man
Pass us a tax tonight
Well, we’re all in the mood for a trade war
And the Chinese are ready to fight

Every time a college student complains that something is offensive, spritz him in the face with a water bottle. Eventually they’ll learn to stop that and graduate with much more mental health.

So is there like an organization that fights for individual rights, but like all of them — even the scary ones or ones lots of people don’t like? And also fight for those rights all the time, not just when it fits certain partisan politics?

Can people on the right only get hired now if they’re rabidly pro-Trump? I’ll give it a shot if the money is good. Explaining how absolutely everything Trump does is smart and good sounds like a fun challenge.

When people are freaking out about Trump, the question always is is this a new awful thing he’s doing, or is this an old awful thing that people used to ignore but are now making a fuss because it’s Trump who is doing it?

I’d rather keep Trump than go back to an Obama and ignore these things again.

We never have political arguments at Thanksgiving. Everyone just listens and nods as I explain politics to them.

Trump makes it harder to pretend our government isn’t stupid.

Why are all the people with all the correct political views they need to impart on to others such horrible, angry people? Seems better to have bad political views and be nice and happy.

I never realized how useful the dog was in cleaning up under the table where the kids sit.

I’ve yet to watch one of these Disney live-action remakes. There’s something so craven about them.

“Here’s my new invention. I call it the solar cell. It can convert light to electricity.”
“Wow! This is revolutionary! There must be countless applications for this!”
“I’m thinking mainly cheap calculators.”
“There must be more things than that.”
“Nah. Not really.”

When they gave out the Nobel Prize in physics for the theory of relativity, how did they not make that not sound sarcastic?
“Good going, Einstein!”

I don’t trust your outrage.

The male/female distinction was invented by religious extremists in the 1950s.

I talked to the 300 scientists who wrote that climate change report, and they’re all idiots. Every single one. One even said that The Last Jedi was his favorite Star Wars movie.

I had to stop going to hipster coffee shops because I got sick and tired of hearing people talk about how great President Trump is. I really don’t care for him.

I’m not worried about climate change because if it really is a problem we’ll come up with some new technology like giant robots that fight each other. I mean, that won’t solve climate change but it will give us something else to worry about.

I got a sound sensor to wire up to an Arduio. I’m going to build a device to warn my 5yo son when he’s being too loud.

Twitter would never ban me because denying people my awesome tweets would be cruel and unusual punishment under the Geneva Convention.

Got a USPS package update yesterday of “Carrier is unable to gain access to front door to deliver the package.” Is that just code for them deciding to not even bother driving to my house?

If you keep encouraging Disney, next they’ll do cartoon versions of the live action versions of their cartoons.

When the ruling class gets insecure in their beliefs, they try to silence dissent hoping to be confronted less with that insecurity.

I don’t like this Beto stuff. Maybe the left have trained me too well, but I find people getting overly excited about a bland, privileged white guy really creepy.

Judge people’s character not by their high ideals of how to treat humanity in general but by how they treat actual, specific people.

I’ve never seen Idiocracy, but I feel like I get the gist of it.

Walmart does more in a week to improve the lives of poor people than Bernie Sanders has his entire life.

One day there will be poor people complaining about having to live on a billion a year on their private islands while there are quadrillionaire rich people who own entire planets.

It’s possible the president doesn’t do careful research before saying things.

“I’m going to need some ID for that, sir… Yeah, I knew it — you’re a rabbit. Sorry, but Trix are for kids.”

If we want to get rid of all guns, a great way to start would be to disarm the government. That would completely nullify all the “I need guns to protect me from a tyrannical government” arguments.

Why did Russia want Democrats to retake the House?

Undermine faith in democracy? Why would you have faith in a system that gave us a choice between Hillary and Trump for leader of the free world?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is starting to remind me of Trump in that there’s so much to legitimately criticize her on and yet people seem to gravitate to the really dumb things.

If you haven’t read the novel The Princess Bride, I highly recommend it. It usually now includes the first chapter of the sequel, which has one of the most memorable endings I’ve ever read. #WilliamGoldman

I have no idea what nationalism is or what everyone thinks it is.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s not the AR-15 we have to worry about but instead the people with an irrational fear of them.

A surprisingly large number of people are learning for the first time that victims of a crime can be cross-examined.

I’m not sure there’s a worse pro-gun control argument than “If the government decides to murder you, there’s absolutely nothing you can do, so you might as well give up your guns.”

Feels like this country should have a discussion on a healthy fear of guns versus a stupid fear of guns. For instance, a healthy fear of cars means you don’t run out on a busy road while a stupid fear means you freak out every time you hear an engine rev.
I live in a neighborhood in Texas. How many guns do you think must be around me? How many AR-15s? I don’t a spend a second worrying about that. I do worry about the kids running out in the road, though.

I don’t get Fortnite. All I understand about its appeal is that it’s free.

What would happen if you put a top crust on pumpkin pie? Have scientists ever tried it?

I’ve heard a lot of left-wingers complain about the NPC meme, though the statements start repeating every fifth one I talk to.

You know, there are lots of really dumb Representatives in safe seats. Usually we make fun of their dumbest statements about twice a year and mainly just ignore them.

Politics is all about arguing who is the better person to give the One Ring to when the correct thing to do is chuck it in Mount Doom.

You don’t have to worry about deadly bacteria if you deep fry everything.

If I died eating salad, I would so throw that in my wife’s face.

The only thing I like about taking out the trash is getting to growl, “Time to take out the trash!”

Are raisins a hundred times cheaper than chocolate chips? Because that’s the only reason I can imagine for putting them in cookies.

What I’m most baffled there hasn’t been a reboot of is Gremlins. So merchandisable.