Archive of posts filed under the Best of IMAO 2006 category.

Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ

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Q. What’s a chicken hawk? Is it like some sort of half-hawk, half-chicken?
A. Actually, it’s a hawk that eats chicken. And rats.
Q. Cool! What’s its wingspan?
A. 28-30 in. (male); 31-34 in. (female)
Q. The female is bigger.
A. Well don’t tell her that, or she’ll think you’re implying she’s fat and will peck your eyes out.
Q. So why do supporters of the war get called “chicken hawks” like its an insult?
A. Well, the short answer is some people are morons.
Q. What’s the long answer?
A. Back when man first started to learn to use tools, certain spears were made using…
Q. What’s the medium-length answer?
A. Many liberals, in their diminished mental capacities, like to have a word or phrase to shout over and over in lieu of the mental preparedness needed for an actual debate of issues. Fighting tyranny is a complicated issue, and, rather than admit they’re on the side of tyranny, many liberals will try to avoid debate altogether in any way possible.
Q. Liberals seem to use the phrase “chicken hawk” against people who aren’t in the military? Do liberals want a government where decisions are only made by those in the military?
A. No, they hate the military.
Q. But they say they support the troops!
A. And you can train a parrot to say the same thing. That doesn’t mean anything.
Q. So what would happen if someone in the military tried to debate them on the issues?
A. First, the liberal would try to find some way of discounting the military service so that the person is still, in their bloodshot eyes, a “chicken hawk” by their understanding. If unsuccessful, they will then find some other phrase to shout over and over, such as “baby-killer,” “you only joined the military because you were too and dumb and too poor for anything else,” or “you may have been in Iraq, but you still don’t know what you’re talking about because you don’t read twenty newspapers a day.”
Q. Who reads newspapers anymore? They’re gay.
A. You know that and I know that, but, as usual, liberals are behind the times.

Continue reading ‘Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ’ »

Today Is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day

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By a unanimous decision of me, today is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day. Thus, RightWingDuck will have to write an In My World™, compose a filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds, snark a TV show, do a funny photoshop, write some self-deprectating Jewish humor, and do whatever is that spacemonkey does plus his HTML hacking (expect the site to be down for periods at a time unrealted to Saudis).
Wish Ducky luck, and he just might earn his $1.75 an hour.

Uno de Mayo

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In anticipation of Uno De Mayo protests, I thought I’d remind people of a certain deranged project I worked on last year when the “How To Sneak Into Gringoland” comic book was published and distributed by the Mexican Government:


Remember, folks: the undershorts of Uncle Sam himself are exposed!

Do We Laugh So We Don’t Kill?

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Sometime I like to take a break from telling you all what to think to tell you why you think that (Short Answer: Because I told you too). Now, some unwary liberals have stumbled onto conservative humor on some t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com and were quite shocked and appalled by what they saw. Digby feared that our humor meant we mean his ilk real harm, while maha says that this just follows a long line of violent conservative humor rooted in hostility.
She also says there is no such liberal equivalent.
Yeah, yeah; calm down. It’s just like the “there’s no liberal media” types who basically have King Kong trashing their living room but claim not to be able to see a monkey. But doesn’t such obtuseness bring up some hostile feeling in you? Maybe there is a point about right-wing hostility in humor, as, if you look at it, there are a lot of factors out there that can be pushing conservatives like me to a very hostile disposition which I could possibly be reflecting in my humor.
CONTRIBUTING FACTORS TO RIGHT-WING HOSTILITY
* We were able to steal two Presidential election, but unable to rig Presidential approval polls.
* Confusion resulting from that we hate women and minorities, yet love Condoleezza Rice’s warmongering and the punditry of Michelle Malkin.
* Our neo-nazi tendencies push us to anti-Semitism, but we’re also working on Zionist conspiracies to fight wars solely to benefit Israel.
* Walker: Texas Ranger was canceled years ago.
* Illegal immigrants are stealing our jobs (personally, I have tons of bills to pay for my college education in electrical engineering, so how can I compete with Pedro hanging out by the Radio Shack who will design custom Power-On Reset circuits for $2.00 an hour?).
* We got Halliburton the illegal wars it wanted, but it’s yet to deliver on the cheap oil.
All of that combined can lead to quite a bit of hostility, and, subconsciously, that could seep into our humor, our jokes revealing our violent intentions. How can we tell, though?
Obviously, Digby and maha lack any sort of science background to definitively detect latent hostility hiding in humor. Luckily, you have me, and there is no one more scientifical than Frank J.
Now, I contacted the humor department at Carnegie Mellon University (it’s an actual university; Google it), and they happen to have specific studies on hostility in humor. It is essential to note that humor is hostile by nature. While it feels good to laugh at something, it feels horrible to be laughed at. Studies have shown that being laughed at activates the same centers of the brain as when one is threatened with a gun (That particular study was done by having some people connected to a brain monitor and then having the entire staff come in the room and laugh at the people for how dumb they looked with all that equipment attached to them. The other test case had people connected to the brain monitor and told they were going to view a series of pictures, but instead Samuel L. Jackson runs into a room, points a gun at the subject, and recites a stylized version of Ezekiel 25:17. The control case had people connected to the brain monitor and just forgotten about until they got angry and left.).
To measure hostility in humor, the Franken Scale is used. It’s a linear scale for signifying the amount of latent hostility in a joke and ranges from 1 (no hostility) to 10 (“My name is Ted Rall.”). Before we use the Franken Scale on the right-wing humor in question, let’s use it on some simple examples so you can familiarize yourself with it. First, let’s start with a joke common among many children:

Continue reading ‘Do We Laugh So We Don’t Kill?’ »

Ah, Irony

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I don’t usually blog my personal life, but I thought this was funny. Talking about all this recent hullabaloo, I turned to my wife and said whimsically, “People are saying I have a ‘hostile’ sense of humor.”
Then SarahK pointed out that as I made the statement, I was chambering a round into my carry pistol.

In My World: Snow Day

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“It’s time for you to get to work, Snowman. By the way, that’s your new nickname,” President Bush told Tony Snow. “Nobody likes me anymore, but you have to spin things so everybody thinks I’m the super-coolest person ever. And you have to convince all the press to only write nice things about me. So you do a good job or you’ll end up like Scott McClellan – fat!”
“I’ll do what I can,” Tony answered, “but you try and stay out of trouble. I don’t want this job to be any harder than it already is.”
“Hey, trouble is my middle name!” Bush answered and then thought for a moment. “Wait, my middle name starts with a ‘w’. What is it? Wilhelm?”
“Just focus on not screwing anything up and I’ll handle the press,” Tony assured him. He then headed out to the press room where all the reporters were waiting.
“So, are you the new White House Press Secretary?” a reporter asked.
“First off,” Tony stated, “I’m already a hundred times the journalist of all you hacks added together, so, instead of answering your moronic queries, I’m just going to state everything you need to know and you’ll jot it all down and report that. Are we clear?”
“Mr. Snow, we need–” a reporter started to say, but then screamed in pain as he fell to the ground.
“Now, one thing you need to know,” Tony said, “is that I can now shock you through your press passes. This wasn’t my idea; it was done by Homeland Security. Now, on to politics. While there are many troubles in Iraq, it’s going much better than you shills report. Progress is being made daily. With Iran, many options are being looked at, but nothing has been decided on. Finally, the Democrats are all morons and you waste time reporting on anything they do or say. I think that covers everything.”
“What about how Karl Rove will be–” A horde of screaming demons crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the reporter, and flew off.
“It should be mentioned,” Tony said, “that questions about Karl Rove will cause screeching demons to come after you. That’s out of my hands.”
“And there are also reports that secret police are taking away anyone who questions the White House,” a reporter stated. “What is your reaction?”
Some men in black ran into the room, grabbed the reporter, and dragged her away.
“Next question,” Tony said in a bored voice.
“War murder and oil because Bush bad!” Helen Thomas cackled.
Tony Snow made a motion to some men in white in the back of the room. They came forward and gently walked Helen Thomas out of the press room.
“Are they taking her to a nursing home?” a reporter asked.
“That or they’re going to tie her up and leave her in an abandoned warehouse,” Tony answered. “Either way, I don’t care.”
A truck crashed through the side of the room. “Trouble, Tony!” Bush yelled as he got out of the driver seat. “I may have just been involved in an armed robbery and this truck may or may nor be stolen. Anyway, spin it all to make it sound good.”
“I thought we agreed you’d avoid misadventures until your polls are up!” Tony said.
Bush opened the back of the truck. “I tried; really, I did.” A bunch of Mexicans came out the back.
“Are you smuggling Mexicans across the border?” Tony asked.
“The less you know, the better.” Bush started dousing the truck in gasoline. “I’m going to take care of the evidence; you continue with your press conference.”
“I want you all to ignore the scene over there and focus on me,” Tony commanded the press. “I’m going to use this blackboard behind me to give you all a lecture on good journalism… since you guys really need it. Let’s get started.”
“I don’t need to be lectured about journalism from someone from FOX News!” Daivd Gregory shouted. “I’m David Gregory! I–” David Gregory burst into flames.
“By the way,” Tony said, “the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that’s more of a feature than a bug.”
Panicked, Gregory ran into the truck setting it on fire.
“Since this room is starting to burn down,” one reporter said, “can we skip the lecture?”
“That might be smart. Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show. So, if in the future, you find the press room filled with snakes or you get locked in an underground bunker, I warned you.”
The reporters fled the room.
“Good job for your first day,” Bush said. “So, what now?”
Tony looked at the burning truck. “I think I’m going to a bar.”
“There’s a list of nearest bars in your ‘Welcome to the White House Staff’ basket.” Bush looked around the room which was all quickly catching fire. “This isn’t going to burn itself out, is it?”

Know Thy Enemy: Illegal Immigrants

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Illegal immigrants are everywhere and completely illegal! Something must be done, but even President Bush doesn’t seem to be handling this issue. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can on these immigrants who are illegal.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

Continue reading ‘Know Thy Enemy: Illegal Immigrants’ »

We Need a War for Oil
An Editorial by Frank J.

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 I filled up my SUV this weekend, and, after seeing the bill, my immediate reaction was, “Someone must die for this!” After a little thought, I knew who should die: foreigners. Foreigners with oil.

 We need a war for oil.

“If our military can’t keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards?”

 Supposedly, our previous incursion into the Middle East were about oil, but it hasn’t looked that way. Unlike all this establishing democracy hooey, a real war for oil would follow a much simpler mission plan: We go in, we kill lots of people, and we take all the oil. Also, we would know for certain when the mission is accomplished; if we have all the oil, we’re done.

 Would it just be easier to drive a hybrid instead of having all this killing? No, it wouldn’t, because hybrids are gay. If our military can’t keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards? You better not tell me poor people, because I did not get an SUV to help the poor. It should be obvious that our military must be deployed with the sole purpose of stealing all the oil worth getting our hands on. It is a risk of lives, but I risk lives everyday I drive my SUV anyway.

 Now, there are a number of ways to take all that oil. My suggestion is to make big tripod robots like in War of the Worlds, but they’ll suck oil out of the ground instead of blood out of people (cars don’t run on blood). This may be a bit too extravagant, though. The simplest idea is too simply rush towards the oil fields in tanks killing everyone we see and then securing the oil fields with big walls and minefields and signs that say, “Americans Only.” We’ll then airlift the oil so we don’t have to deal with any people around there. You may be worried that children could step on the landmines, but I’m not since I hate children. Getting blown up will teach them to be small and dumb. I hope monkeys step on mines too.

 Will America stealing all the oil in the Middle East anger the people there? Of course, but who cares. Since we’ll have all their oil, they won’t have any gasoline to get near us. What are they going to do? Fill a truck with bombs, put it in neutral, and push it towards us? That’s pathetic. The most they’ll do is get as close to our walled in oil fields and shout epithets at us. Then we can shout back, “Don’t you guys have anything better to do? Like losing a war to tiny country full of Jews?”

 So there is what needs to be done. I want war war war until gas is down to a buck a gallon, and I’m the taxpayer, so I get what I want. People didn’t need to die for this, but a bunch of Muslims didn’t need to live where all our oil is either.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “If You Don’t Want to Die, Stand Away from that Oil” and “Diplomacy Is a Failure of War”.

UC Santa Cruz “Comfort Brigade” Recruiters Welcomed on Campus

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(CAUTION: Due to mature themes, reader discretion is advised)
Although Michelle Malkin (whose right to be both a woman and a minority I fully support) has done an excellent job covering the UC Santa Cruz protests against on-campus Army recruiters, she missed the story on the sidelines.
Concerned that soldiers in Iraq might not be getting sufficient “female companionship” from the local burkha-babes, a number of young, enthusiastic, and horizontally-accessible co-eds were on hand to recruit new members for the Army’s “Comfort Brigade”.
[click to enlarge any picture]

Senior Luv U. Longtime promotes the ambitious goal of the Comfort Brigade, and shows her determination that no soldier should have to go without.
“A lot of organizations exist that will forward care packages to soldiers in need”, said Senior Amanda Huginkiss, “but we know darn well that those brave men on the front lines have other, more urgent needs as well, and we won’t get off our backs until those needs are met.”

Who needs body armor when the Comfort Brigade will gladly take your bullet?
Although many apply, not all are chosen. Only the most nubile and flexible of the volunteers will pass the rigorous screenings.

Junior Ivana B. Laid passes her “perkiness check” with flying colors.
The recruitment drive provoked its own protests, though. Mostly ugly guys with hygiene issues who realized with dawning horror what the loss of the campus’s loosest women would mean to them.

“Hey!” shouted this unidentified smelly loser, “they’re stealing our sluts!”
Idiots like this were largely ignored, however, as most people preferred to ogle the Comfort Brigade Veteran’s Parade.

Comfort Brigade Veterans stand proudly behind their service record.
Best of all, the Comfort Brigade’s activities completely erased the efforts of the UCSC radical anti-war nuts by actually causing an increase in on-campus recruiting.

Campus security holds back the throng of eager new Army volunteers, and one confused lesbian who thought she was in line at the Tofu Hut.
But with all the hype and breathless promises flying around during the Comfort Brigade’s recruitment drive, the discerning reader will still pause to ask the most important question of all: Can the Comfort Brigade really bring all the spine-tingling satisfaction that our soldiers so desperately need?
Well…

Just ask #1535.

Madeleine Albright can leg-press 400lbs

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madalbmuscle.jpg
story

Frank J., White House Press Secretary

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Since you guys want it:
FRANK: Hi, I’m Frank J., and I’m the new White House Press Secretary. I’m already pissed about my work commute, so let’s not push me. Anyway, I don’t feel like answering questions, so I’m just going to read from my Ninja FAQ. You guys probably won’t get most of the jokes, so I’ll motion with my hand thusly when you’re supposed to laugh.
REPORTER: What do ninjas have to do with Iran?
FRANK: Okay, I thought I spoke slowly and clearly enough for you guys to understand. Maybe I should just dangle some keys to keep you guys entertained.
REPORTER: We’re not dumb. We’re journalist and… are you playing videogames.
FRANK: …
REPORTER: Mr. J!
FRANK: Constarnit! Great, I just died. I hope you guys are happy. What’s so important it couldn’t wait until I was at a save point?
REPORTER: We have questions about Iran?
FRANK: Really? Iran has been around a long time, so I don’t see why anyone would still have questions. Try looking it up on Wikipedia.
REPORTER: We mean questions about the Bush administration’s policy towards Iran.
FRANK: They don’t like Iran.
REPORTER: That’s not a policy.
FRANK: Says you.
REPORTER: Is anything planned to stop Iran?
FRANK: Yeah… there’s like a tactical nuclear strike planned for this afternoon… threeish, I think.
REPORTER: ARE WE REALLY ENTERING A NUCLEAR WAR AND…
FRANK: That was a joke! You guys are dense. Anyhoo, Link has some important quests to complete, so could you all be quiet for a few minutes.
REPORTER: Can’t you do that later?
FRANK: No. My wife doesn’t let me play videogames at home, so this is my only time. Now, quiet!
REPORTER: I have a question about the generals denouncing Rumsfeld.
FRANK: Fine! I guess I’ll never get to play videogames again. What’s your stupid moron question?
REPORTER: What is the White House’s reaction to the generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation?
FRANK: What generals?
REPORTER: You know; the one that have been reported on the news and…
FRANK: No generals have talked to me.
REPORTER: Yes, but…
FRANK: If it were important, they’d talk to me. People know you talk to Frank J. when you want things done. If it’s unimportant, they’d talk to you idiots. Next question.
SARAHK: What do you want for dinner tonight?
FRANK: I keep telling you I hate that question. Just make something. Next question.
REPORTER: Recently, a number of undocumented workers have…
FRANK: Let me explain how this works again: you are trying to get information from me. That means you make short interrogative sentences and I do the monologing, not you. Got it?
REPORTER: It’s just…
FRANK: Shh! You know, I went to college specifically so I would never have to interact with idiots like you people. Anyway, I’m guessing you have some query on illegal immigration policy. President Bush supports illegal immigrants coming into this country to do unskilled labor such as picking beans, cleaning toilets, and holding mikes while asking inane questions. Pedro, you had a question?
PEDRO: My name is Pedro.
FRANK: Not a question, but keep working on the English. Okay, I’m going to cut things off now because I want to head home before I get stuck in the rush hour traffic on the Beltway. If I didn’t answer everything, just make stuff up like you normally do; people never listen to you guys anyway. Also, I brought a wolverine with me, but he disappeared somewhere in the pressroom. If you encounter him, please shout out.

In My World: Cutting the Fat

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“Numerous retired generals have called for your resignation,” a reporter said to Donald Rumsfeld. “How do you respond to this?”
“Why would I respond to the opinions of a couple retired generals?” Rumsfeld demanded angrily. He then said in a mocking voice, “‘Ooh! I’m too old for war so I’m going to retire!’ Back in my day, generals stayed on until they died in battle. I have no use for the words of those who wimped out.”
“So, have you put any thought towards resigning?” asked another reporter.
“Your questions annoy me!” Rumsfeld shouted. “I have decided to kill you all violently! Rarr!”

“Blood does not come out!” President Bush whined. “That’s it. I’m not buying you new suits every time the reporters annoy you.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled and punched a hole in the wall.
“Fine. We’ll pay for a new suit. Calm down.”
“And more cruise missiles!”
“Okay. That too.”
Rumsfeld stormed off just as Scott McClellan came running toward Bush. “What’s the matter, fatty fat fat?” Bush asked.
“The key to my office doesn’t seem to work anymore.” Scott led Bush to a door and was unable to get the key to fit.
“Are you sure that’s your office?” Bush said. “It doesn’t have your name on it.”
Scott looked at the door. “Where did my nameplate go?”
“Let’s not worry on little things like that.” Bush held up a piece of paper and a pen. “Now sign this.”
“What is it?”
“It’s… uh… a bill. It needs a signature.”
“But you’re the one who is supposed to sign bills.”
“Then it’s a… uh… petition.” Bush shoved the pen at Scott. “Now, sign!”
“How could this be a petition? There’s only one line for a signature.” Scott grabbed the document. “Hey! This is a letter of resignation! You’re trying to get rid of me!”
“That’s just crazy,” Bush said. “You’re a crazy person, and there is no reasoning with you. I have to go talk to job applicants.”

“I sure you all have a lot of questions about Rumsfeld and Iran,” Scott told the White House Press Corps, “so let’s get started.”
“Why announce your resignation now?” a reporter asked. “Is it because you finally realized your tubby and no one likes you?”
Scott looked confused. “I’m not announcing my resignation.”
“You say you’re leaving to spend more time with your family,” said another reporter, “but isn’t it true your family doesn’t like you either?”
“No. I need this job to have money to feed my family,” Scott said with worry.
To the side, Bush appeared with Tony Snow. Bush pointed at Scott. “That’s where you’ll stand.” He then pointed to the press. “Those are the morons you’ll have to placate.”
“Are you replacing me?” Scott shouted.
“Do I have to deal with that tubby goober there with this job?” Tony asked.
“No,” Bush answered, “Just shove him out of the way.”
Tony walked over and knocked Scott to the ground.
“Ow!” Scott yelled. “You’re going to get a loyalty problem with stuff like this.”
“So what would I do with these people?” Tony asked Bush as he looked at the press. “They look dumb.”
“Just distract them with shiny things and use big words to confuse them. I don’t know any big words, so you’ll have to get those from other people.”
“Why are you considering someone from FOX News for the position of White House Press Secretary?” a reporter asked.
“You try and answer that for me,” Bush told Tony.
“FOX News is a great pool of talent,” Tony said to the press. “The station was founded when polls revealed that the American people prefer reporters and anchors who aren’t full of crap.”
“Good answer,” Bush said.
“I never got praise,” Scott whined, still lying on the ground.
“If you’re getting someone from FOX News, why wasn’t I considered?” FOX News reporter Melinda Hawkish asked angrily.
“Because you’re mean!” Bush yelled.
“I’m surprised you didn’t consider an illegal immigrant as a cheaper alternative,” she shot back.
“Who says I didn’t!”
“What’s this stack of bricks for?” Tony asked Bush.
“If a question is too dumb, just throw one of those at a reporter’s head. Go ahead and try it.”
Tony chucked a brick at the press. “Ow! My cranium!” one shouted.
“What do I do if I run out of bricks?”
Bush opened a panel on the podium revealing a hidden button. “Just press this and a heavy narcotic is released into the press which will cause them all to be very happy and easy to manipulate.”
“You never showed me that secret button!” Scott said.
“Quiet, tubby; you’ve talked enough.” Bush turned to Tony. “So, if you take the job, I’ll throw in a blank signed pardon. You can use it to get anyone off of anything… no matter how heinous the crime.”
“I can’t believe you’re replacing me,” Scott grumbled. “Will you at least help me get a new job?”
“I will use the full power of my presidency to get you a new occupation,” Bush assured him.

“Can I get fries with that?”
Scott groaned. “No. This is Taco Bell.”
“What can I get?”
Scott adjusted his paper hat. “Tacos.”

Conservatives Think It’s Okay to Be a Woman and a Minority

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Liberals hate people with different viewpoints, and, even more so, they hate people who look different from them. They save their strongest attacks for people who express conservative viewpoints while being either a woman or a minority since they just hate women and minorities so much. Michelle Malkin made the mistake of being both a woman and a minority, and has thus gotten a great amount of noxious hate mail through the years for what liberals perceive to be a crime of the highest order.
It’s time to take a stand. Thus many blogs now display this banner:

SUPPORTERS OF MICHELLE MALKIN’S RIGHT TO BE A WOMAN AND A MINORITY
IMAO
Six Meat Buffet
Echoes Of Forever
Crash Gordon
Conservative Dialysis
SuperFun PowerHour
Justin’s Random Thoughts
The Templar Times
…right justified
Fmragtops Spews
Right Hand of God
Algo’s Blog
Chaikaroma
Karanadon137
Infidel_Matt
The Conservative UAW Guy
We have nothing to lost but our chains…
Sports and My Thoughts
O’Hara Factor
Right Wing Nation
Pereiraville
InsoluBlog
Conservatives think it’s okay to be a woman or a minority. We even think it’s okay to be both and will not attack someone for that. While many prefer that people express opinions only while being a Caucasian male, we think it’s okay to be a woman and/or a minority while stating your views. Thus, we all stand against dumb honky cracker liberals using slurs against Michelle Malkin, and we hope you’re brave enough to take that stand as well.
UPDATE: List has been updated with more supporters.

The Only Strategically Viable Option Right Now Is to Construct a Death Star
An Editorial by Frank J.

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 America has tried many things to get a strategic advantage over its enemies – stealth fighters, missile defense, bombs that cause a place to be swarmed with monkeys – yet we are still threatened by insurgents, Iran, and poofy-haired Koreans. Given an honest assessment of the global situation, it should be obvious to everyone that we should construct a Death Star.

 “That’s no moon! That’s a space station!” people will exclaim, soon followed by them saying, “Wait; that’s just the moon.” That’s because they won’t see us construct the Death Star since we will do it behind the moon. No one will find out about our plans since, after we claimed ownership of the moon by putting our flag on it, we also put up a “Trespassers Will Be Shot” sign. You may wonder if we currently have the scientific capabilities to make a planet-destroying space station. This is a legitimate concern, but I’m pretty sure we know how to construct a large metal sphere, so we might as well start with that while we figure out the giant laser. I’m pretty sure that part involves the noble gas argon or something, but I’ll have to look that up. The other concern people might have is, unlike the movie version, will we install railings along the numerous bottomless pits in our giant space station? While it is a legitimate safety issue, this would add an estimated 0.01% to the cost, so it would have to be run by the DOD budget committee.

“Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!”

 OSHA compliant or not, when our Death Star is complete, we will then move it out from behind the moon into view of all. It will probably be a good idea to have a big American flag painted on the front before we do this as we don’t want Argentina claiming it’s their Death Start and threatening everybody. Once our new weapon is in view of all, the President should then come on TV and explain it to everyone. “We have constructed a planet-destroying space station for the purpose of peace. We, the great United States of America, swear we will only use it for the betterment of all mankind. Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!”

 The question arises of what should we use our Death Star on. Its purpose is to destroy planets, but the only planet of any strategic interest is Earth where there happens to be all our cities and football stadiums. Thus, we probably don’t want to blow that up. We could hit another planet to demonstrate our power, though, and I think the best candidate is Venus. Even though it is closer than Mars, no one is proposing a mission to Venus because that planet just sucks too much. Also, Venus is about the same size as Earth, so, if we blow it up, people will believe we also have the ability to blow up Earth if so angered. I say, soon after we unveil our super-weapon, we blow up Venus so people understand we have a fully-operational Death Star. The President can go on TV and say, “Your ‘morning star’ is no more. Now, make sure you all act in the interest of America and nothing else will have to meet an unfortunate demise.”

 The world should be scared into being peaceful for a while, but eventually some nutty little nation is going to try our patience. The President should then announce, “America has been angered! Fire up the Death Star!” As the super-laser is charging, everyone should quiet down. Then we can cancel the firing and the President will say, “We have decided not to destroy the Earth… for now.” This should work four to six times until people are convinced we’re bluffing. Then we’ll have to be more active such as firing lasers that just barely miss the Earth and maybe blowing up the moon in our anger. After years of peace, at some point, though, people will just get used to the idea of a giant space station floating above them and no longer be scared that we’ll actually do anything. When this happens, our only choice will be to come up with a new weapon to threaten our enemies with or to actually blow up the Earth.

 But we can cross that bridge when we reach it. Begin construction of the Death Star!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Everything I Needed to Know About Diplomacy I Learned from Emperor Palpatine” and “Killing Terrorists Through Applied Quantum Physics”.

Fly It High and Intact

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On the way into the office complex I’m currently working at, I noticed two American flags flying here that are torn and frayed. As far as I see it, there is no excuse to fly a damaged American flag unless you are currently being shelled by British ships and are just keeping the flag up to prove a point to any poetic lawyer who might be observing the situation.
Fix your flags, people!