Frank J. Solves the Illegal Immigration Problem… Again

Posted on November 10, 2008 12:15 pm

P.J. O’Rourke has an article in the Weekly Standard on how conservatives have screwed up. I like P.J. and find him smart and funny, but I’ve always been suspicious of him since when liberals say there are no funny conservatives, they always name him as an exception.

Anyway, his article is pretty good but then there is this part:

Our attitude toward immigration has been repulsive. Are we not pro-life? Are not immigrants alive? Unfortunately, no, a lot of them aren’t after attempting to cross our borders. Conservative immigration policies are as stupid as conservative attitudes are gross. Fence the border and give a huge boost to the Mexican ladder industry. Put the National Guard on the Rio Grande and know that U.S. troops are standing between you and yard care.

I don’t know what it is about illegal immigration that suddenly turns fine conservatives like the WSJ crowd into the worst liberals. And what I mean by the worst liberals is that they try to throw up a bunch of smoke and never tell you exactly what their goals are. This is why liberals don’t work on talk radio: If they clearly say what they mean, it scares even them.

P.J. does the usual dishonest thing of ignoring that the whole debate is about illegal immigration, makes an emotional appeal about how mean everyone is, and never says what he ultimately wants. He later implies some sort of amnesty-path to citizenship program, but what does that mean in the end? He doesn’t like fences, so does he want open borders? He doesn’t honestly think rewarding people who come here illegally will cause less people to come here illegally, so he’s either for doing away with the border or keeping a broken system. Both of those ideas sounds abhorrent, so he tap dances around ever saying them.

Also, what’s it with the conservative “elite” and yard care? Why do they always bring that up? I can just imagine them sitting around sipping martinis fretting about how if the flow of illegal immigrants is stopped they’ll never be able to get their lawn cut for below minimum wage. I know I had my suggestions the other day for the defining principles of conservatism, but maybe I should add another: If you can’t take care of your lawn without a complete breakdown of national sovereignty, maybe you’re not responsible enough to have one. Real conservatives know how to cut their own @#$%ing lawns. I’ve been mowing lawns since I was kid to get my below minimum wage allowance. I don’t need a permanent underclass of cheap labor to take care of my yard or home improvements… but maybe that’s just me and other responsible Americans.

Anyway, I had a new idea for a compromise to solve the illegal immigration crisis (maybe more workable than the obliterate Mexico one which too many people considered the same as amnesty). They keep saying it’s infeasible to deport twelve million people, and maybe they’re right. Perhaps we’ve been tolerating this for too long to just suddenly crack down on things like that. Plus, it’s probably really hard for Mexicans to follow a legal path here because they basically don’t have a functional government (What do they have down there? Like a bunch of tribal leaders or something?).

So here’s the compromise: If they register with the government, illegal immigrants can stay here legally. They get to share in American prosperity with no more worries of deportation.

But they can’t ever be citizens.

That’s the consequence for the action. They disenfranchised themselves. They showed they don’t care about the rule of law, so why should they ever get a say on what the rule of law is? Their children of course will get to be citizens, but not them. That’s the punishment that fits the crime. If you can’t follow our rules like the other immigrants, then you can’t ever fully be one of us.

Also, because I know there are some conservatives really worried about it, we can give illegal immigrants a special waiver so they can legally cut lawns for below minimum wage. Apparently, those people will never sign on to any plan that might leave them cutting their own lawns.

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45 Responses to “Frank J. Solves the Illegal Immigration Problem… Again”

  1. Andrew says:

    Time to bring back the Mexi-cannon.

  2. Barocrates H. Yomama says:

    I really detest the microeconomic arguments (who will cut my grass, who will do this or that job) that we should have open borders, amnesty, or whatever.

    I resent that citizenship is worth so little.

    There are things more important than cheap lawn care. One of those things is knowing who is here. I don’t care what the level of immigration is — I think the more the better, actually. But it just seems stupid to comb through people’s bags at the airport, but allow anyone who can carry a water jug to walk across the border.

    Also, I only want people here who want to be citizens, who will declare their loyalty to the same Constitution I have.

  3. Slaphappy says:


  4. Jimmy says:

    I was trying to think of something clever to say to this, but I can’t. And that’s two deadly serious posts in a row from the normally ebullient Frank J. Besides, what Bar Crates said.

  5. ImperialDave says:

    This…is…a…….GREAT IDEA!

    Though I have an idea I like even better. What ever happened to Manifest Destiny? Sure we went sea to shining sea, but there are two more seas, one to the north and one to the south. My campaign slogan is: If someone invades your country….YOU INVADE THEM RIGHT BACK. Then we’d get to keep all the lawn care experts and house builders. We’d also keep the billions of dollars flowing out of the country to the illegal’s families right here in this country. GM cars and trucks would once again be built here in America. We’d be able to tax the crap out of them thereby allowing us to pay for all the social programs that they’ve been using. They have oil and, as we all know, liberals don’t care if we drill there as long as it’s not where they live. It only causes global warming if we drill in the fifty states. We’d include that in the charter for the new territories. They have nice beaches so we could exploit that for tourism, plus it would be tourism that is safe. We could open a lot of new Walmarts down there. It’d be great.

    Now you know why I’m ImperialDave.

  6. Frank J. Solves the Illegal Immigration Problem… Again | Pelican Project Pro-Life links:

    […] Read more here:  Frank J. Solves the Illegal Immigration Problem… Again […]

  7. MarkoMancuso says:

    Was he drunk when he wrote that?

  8. ussjimmycarter says:

    How about a RINO-Cannon? We can fire them either at the same time or to a snappy Latino beat! Both problems solved! Also the RINOS will have citizenship revoked freeing up more citizenshipiness for legals!

  9. T.N. Amaps says:

    Andrew, I’m more of a fan of the Mexi-pult. All that gunpowder can be saved for use in bullets.

  10. Veeshir says:

    “The NRO and Weekly Standard Editorial Teams approved this message”.

  11. Sanjayrupta Pravati says:

    I think the problem is that normal Americans hear you say things about “sovereignty” and they get scared off. Only conspiracy theorists and fascists use that term in other contexts, so you can see why it would alarm us.

    Maybe try to reframe that particular argument or do away with it? Because let’s face it, sovereignty isn’t a popular concept and hasn’t been for a while.

    [I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t know what a normal American was if he beat the crap out of you. -Ed.]

  12. Jimmy says:

    ussjc, how’s about we use a compound, RINO-MEXI-CANNON?? Huh? Huh?

    We fire the illegal alien up the a$$ of the RINO and the plugged RINO all the way to Mehico all in one smooth, recoilless action – with that Latino beat music, o k a y if you insist. I’d like a little Stars and Stripes Forever march in there at the end. Da da da daaaa da da daaaa, da da daaaa…..

  13. innominatus says:

    The Mexi-Cannon is the only way. I’ve always been into obnoxiosly powerful and loud things like Top Fuel dragsters, jet fighter engines, magnum handguns and Cannons of all types. It is also simple and effective, appealing to my left-brain “efficiency fetish.”

    We would only need to make example of a few of the most rotten illegals (like rapists and habitual DUIs) to put a good scare into the rest of them. We could run PSAs on Telemundo showing these bad guys “catching big air” coming out of the cannon, and broadcast that this is the fate that awaits every dirty, stinking illegal found within our borders. They will self-deport. We’d actually be doing Mexico a favor by doing this, as most of the illegals at least have cars that run and know how to hang sheetrock. The sudden influx of functioning cars and semi-bilingual-nail-benders would be a boon to the Mexican economy. It’s the most compassionately conservative way to help our brethren to the south.

  14. HKPistole says:

    “sovereignty isn’t a popular concept ” ?!? WTF?!? That is the most retarded thing I’ve heard in a week. And it was a week filled with Obama speeches, so that’s sayin something.

  15. Amer-I-Can says:

    T.N. Has the right idea, the Mexi-pult… Just imagine, we could film the launch and then play it back in slow motion to watch how they flop around and stuff… hours of enjoyment for you and the kids with a bucket of popcorn. Kinda like the squirrel launcher idea of youtube fame…..

  16. Abigail says:

    You know, Frank’s idea actually is one of the best one’s I’ve heard yet.


  17. RockThrowingPeasant says:

    I never got the lawn cutting thing, either. My lawn is cut by a couple of white guys for $25 every other week. Not a big lawn, but it takes them no time and would take me an hour or so to cut and trim the place. They’re already in the area doing a couple businesses and do my yard in between. Meanwhile, I have my Saturdays back.

    How much cheaper is lawn care with illegals that it makes it worth it?

  18. THE BOMB!!! says:

    Speaking as someone from New Mexico (the state in between Texas and Arizona) we do not even have lawns in this region of the country–we have xeriscaping.

    I’m guessing these soi-dissant “lawns” are actually marijuana crops, and O’Rourke is worried that a border fence will cut into his margins as a dealer.

  19. A.B. says:

    I can’t talk about immigration without thinking “free health care.” These immigrants aren’t required to work, they don’t have to play by the rules, they don’t have to contribute to this country, yet they get all the benefits. I know that they need to be treated humanely–but we don’t have to give them a free ride. Yet the liberal illuminati needs to consider better options than a fence and clearly state what these options are before they start bashing the immigration tactics of the past administration.

  20. sixpckr says:

    If you can’t take care of your lawn without a complete breakdown of national sovereignty, maybe you’re not responsible enough to have one.

    You’re right (as usual) Frank. This does need to be another defining conservative priciple. There isn’t anything I can think of that I’d want to trade national sovereignty for.

  21. BlackOrchid says:

    It’s not the lawns — well maybe it’s that too — but it’s the damn nannies more that the guys in trucks I think. These guys at the WSJ (not to mention all my wealthy lib pals) all have wives that are way above changing a diaper . . . and they NEED and HONOR and ADORE their illegal live-in nanny/slaves.

  22. ILoveMyFreedoms says:

    “Conservative attitudes are gross”??? God, The Flag, Mom, Apple Pie, Baseball, Hot Dogs and Beer, Playing Fair, Upholding the Law, Respect for Life, Self-Reliance… — all gross?

    I pity PJO’R. How sad his life must be without these “conservative” perks.

    If we vote to loan out the RU van/bus for deportation events, I volunteer to drive.

    Americans first.

  23. IP727 says:

    Before P.J. bacame a “conservative”, he was a pot smoking lefty. Some of that bravo sierra never wears off.

  24. PammyV says:

    I kind of like your idea Frank…and I’m big build-a-fence-round-em-up-and-kick-em-out kind of girl, even if I know logically it’s close to impossible. As long as there is a provision that they cannot get any government services, I’m with ya.

    I was just thinking, with a downturn in teh economy, do you think many will just go back home? I mean when you are short on a few buck whadda ya do? You fire the nanny and mow your own lawn. Plus construction is at a standstill here in Vegas, that’s where many work. Tourism is down here as well: house keepers and restaurant help is heavy on illegals. What is our unemployment figure? If the illegals left, there would be plenty of jobs for everyone. Hmmmm maybe there is a positive side to the economic mess.

  25. A O T3ch says:

    BRAVO!!! One thing I am surprised about, though, is that you didn’t get a double-whammy here, meaning:
    1) Solving immigration (again)
    2) Capturing baited trolls…

  26. howard says:

    Won’t work, it would just be a magnet. Can you imagine how many would sneak to work, they wouldn’t care if they were a citizen. Just get across the bordser and register and they are in. Creative article though. I liked the quote about not being able to move lawns.

  27. DC says:

    I have an idea: Let’s invade Mexico!

  28. Basil says:

    Invade Mexico?

    What do they have in Mexico that I can’t get here in the USA? Donkey shows? I’ll pass.

    But I will stop at the Taco Bell tomorrow. Or maybe Wednesday. Yeah, Wednesday.

  29. Typical White Guy (TWiG) says:

    Apparently you didn’t get this memo

  30. DC says:

    No, no. I meant we should declare war on Mexico, and say that in two months, we’ll claim all Mexicans, who happen to live in the US, prisoners of war. Soon, all the Mexicans will go to Canada or back to Mexico.

  31. HCG says:

    Pajamas is padding his resume for a job in the Obama media, since come January, that will be the only media.

  32. ussjimmycarter says:

    The only way the Mexi-Cannon works is if Frank J is elected POTUS and also erects the Wall of Flames across the entire southern border. I’m thinkin’ we also need it across the Northern border. Not to keep out Mexicans but to keep out the Buggering Bad Boys of Canada…

  33. Sulamie says:

    #29 I saw that, too. Unbelievable.

    I never understood the whole lawn thing. We are the ONLY folks in our entire neighborhood, besides the firefighter across the street, who cut our own lawn. EVERYONE has a crew of Mexican guys come once a week. When we first moved here we were very confused by this. The same folks also hire them to put up their Christmas lights!!!

    We don’t fit in here. No wonder all our stuff gets stolen.

  34. ImperialDave says:

    Hey DC I believe that was my idea, and Basil, see my posting for why.

  35. Zordran says:

    I have a retarded friend who does landscaping and janitorial work for minimum wage because that’s all they’ll hire him for. Therefore, if you support illegal immigration for the purposes of lawn care, then you also support stealing from retards.

  36. AngelEyesGBU says:

    Frank J,

    We think alike. I’m for closing the border and enforcing the law (especially in employment). But just to show I’m not a heartless cruel SOB who would round up all the illegal aliens already here, I’d let them register as Permanent Probationary Residents – never to be citizens (although their US-born children could be) and remaining subject to deportation in the event of any felony. Instead of a “Green Card” they’d have a “Yellow Card”, with green card priveleges except for never being able to become a citizen.

  37. Boca Condo King says:

    If you wish Illegal Immigration to be an issue, frame it in terms of workers’ rights. Remember that the limits on immigration in our law were put there by labor, not by capital. Even back in 1986, labor (unions some democrats etc.) understood that limiting the amount of labor in a market, would drive up the price.

    EX. Remember Rocky II? Been playing all week, remember when Rocky after not being able to make a career out of being a celebrity, is able to support Adrian, his house and car payment by working in Paulies Meat Packing Plant? And when he losses that job, his wife has to go back to work and he has to give up his car? That is because in 1980, meat packing jobs paid $15.00 for starters with benefits, now they pay $7,00 to illegal’s. Same numbers can be shown in construction, hospitality and yes even landscaping.

    So when arguing illegal immigration, focus on the workers’ rights angle.

    2nd., The immigration laws can be enforced using the IRS. Any wages reported where the SS# and name do not match, will be considered profit and income not exspence. Every honest employer reports the name SS# and wages for every employee every quarter. Most are required to do so in electronic format. Should take a computer about 30 minutes to spit out a report. Do the same thing with 1099’s and suddenly it will pay to be legal.

    Remember the only reason we have limitations on workers’ entering the country is that labor back in the 1986 knew that more labor equals less wages. Even in this case ‘mow my lawn cheaply’ the case for workers’ rights can be made. What Obama or blue collar type will argue that paying a lawn mower guy 12 to 15 an hour is bad?

  38. Jody says:

    I think it was Benjamin Franklin’s brother who first opined:
    He who would trade national security for some temporary lawn care, deserves neither.

  39. Bozoer Rebbe says:

    Funny that Frank should write this today. A crew was in my mom’s neighborhood cleaning roof gutters of the fall leaves before it starts snowing seriously here in Michigan. I’m pretty sure they’re legal (most Russians here are) and my mom can easily afford the 65 bucks they wanted for the work, but there’s a 32 ft extension ladder behind the garage and I figured if I did it myself and saved her the money, maybe she won’t scream at me and call me names for a couple of hours.

    FWIW, I don’t think PJ has ever claimed to be a conservative. He’s a small L libertarian, which is why I’d bet he still occasionally rolls his own.

    BTW, O’Rourke’s Eat The Rich is an excellent comparison of socialism and capitalism, with good and bad examples of each (Sweden vs Cuba, US vs post USSR Russia).

    Keep him in your prayers as he recently was diagnosed with colon/rectal cancer.

  40. colleen says:

    It’s an interesting suggestion along the lines of a guest worker program, but pretty toothless if the kids can become citizens. The whole downside is the pressure on resources.

  41. Jared says:

    Conservatives are constantly crying about illegals reaping the rewards of living in the country and not having to pay taxes. You can’t tax a person who is not a citizen. Still the perfect solution?

    [Uh… You think people who have been working and living here for years suddenly start paying taxes the day they get citizenship? If that’s true, the average immigrant seeking citizenship is a much more dedicated to being an American citizen than I am. -Ed.]

  42. DC says:


    Ah, you’re right. I must’ve missed your post. :$

  43. rainwolf says:

    Frank asks:

    “I don’t know what it is about illegal immigration that suddenly turns fine conservatives like the WSJ crowd into the worst liberals.”

    Some might call it “greed”.

  44. Bubba says:

    Stopping to think here….

    What were the major policy blunders of Bush Inc that caused the GOP to implode?

    1. Invasion of Iraq
    2. Hispandering (via dumbed down lending standards, etc.) that led to the mortgage crisis.
    3. Massive tax cuts that led to massive deficits.
    4. Amnesty/mass immigration, that caused the working class to benefit not at all from econimic growth and, in fact, caused thm to become even more uncertain about their future.

    2 questions:

    1) How many of these causes was James Dobson pushing?
    2) How many of these causes were the asshats at the Weekly Standard pushing?

    The answers, respectively, are “none” and “all.”

    Whatever their faults (and they do have a few) it is not the evangelicals who have ruined the GOP.

  45. Bubba says:

    Keep [O’Rourke] in your prayers as he recently was diagnosed with colon/rectal cancer.

    Rectal cancer? Really? While they’re down there maybe they can remove that giant stick from his ass…

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