What Were Faisal Shahzad’s Motives?

Faisal Shahzad. He’s a Muslim who trained with the Taliban in Pakistan and then tried to blow up a bomb in Times Square. Why? Apparently, his motives are shrouded in mystery.

We at IMAO love dangerous speculation, though, so we’re going to try and take a guess at what his motives could be:


* Was blowing up a SUV to protest Obama’s slow movement on cap & trade.

* He got tired of people making fun of his beard.

* Just thought it was a quick way to dispose of fertilizer.

* He got tried of people pronouncing his first name like he’s the mouse from An American Tale.

* He was racist against Barack Obama.

* He got tired of people doing imitations of Gomer Pyle when saying his last name.

* It was performance art.

* An older boy told him to do it.

* He was upset at how DC comics killed off Aquaman.

* It was the only way to get people to recall their lives in a parallel universe.

* Jihad.

I guess we’ll never know.

BTW, was anyone else surprised by how quickly people took credit for the bombing attempt? The Taliban tried to take credit right away and Shahzad admitted to it immediately when caught. When the attempt sucked that bad, you’d think there would be a little more distancing from it.

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  1. He wanted a free ride to Disneyland. And he likely will under Obama. He SHOULD get a free ride to waterboardville.

    He’s mad they are cancelling 24.


  2. * He wanted to buy a Nuke The Moon shirt from IMAO.

    I’m not saying I agree with his methods. However, I think we can all understand the anger that could come from being denied such an impressive symbol of America.


  3. – He got mad that Paula Abdul left Idol, he thought it was yet another profiling case.
    – Yet another example of the rising tide of people upset over IMAO’s Nuke The Moon and Fred Thompson Punch The Hippies t-shirts no longer being available.
    – It’s Bush and Cheney’s fault, of course.
    – Blame Canada, Blame Canada!


  4. Actually, the man was obviously a “bitter clinger.” The Bush economy had him downtrodden, he went out and bought a gun and he became more devout in his religion.


  5. * He got tried of people pronouncing his first name like he’s the mouse from An American Tale.

    It must really burn to be thought of as a Jewish mouse when you’re actually a Muslim rat.


  6. I guess times are hard for jihadists everywhere….
    BBC News – Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day
    strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled
    to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
    produce an agreement.
    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
    virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25%
    this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent
    years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins
    in the afterlife.

    The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational
    Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was
    unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah
    Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death
    in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated
    like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

    Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief
    executive Osama bin Laden explained, “I sympathize with our workers’ concerns,
    but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are
    simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive
    marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of
    virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures
    or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits, but I’d hate to have to
    tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

    Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales,
    and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt
    their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

    According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of
    suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star,
    Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and
    have reconsidered their benefit packages.


  7. Pingback: The Anchoress | A First Things Blog

  8. * he was mad at the jooos for eating all the pork chops

    * He wanted to impress nancy pelousy

    * He got lost on his way to the mosqueue

    * He was angry keith uberdouche ruined major league baseball

    * He wanted little dick durbin to notice he got his beard trimmed


  9. He was just doing his bit to save the earth from more devastating earthquakes buy killing all of those scantily dressed women in Times Square. He’s a real public spirited citizen of the world, he is. But, you may say, a lot of men would have died as well. Hey, you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, any cook or Colonel Mustard, will tell you that.


  10. “When the attempt sucked that bad, you’d think there would be a little more distancing from it.”

    Kinda like the idiots that still have Obama stickers on their cars?


  11. I can’t blame him for wanting to recall his life in a parallel universe. Have you seen Nadia? She’s HOT! The fact that she’s married to his brother in this universe must really tear him up.


  12. Well his wife Mian’s favorite shows were “Friends” and “Everybody Loves Raymond”. She listed her passions on a social networking site as: “fashion, shoes, bags, shopping!! And of course, Faisal.”

    So you see, Faisal snapped. He couldn’t stand Mian’s obsession with other men like Raymond and putting fashion, shoes, bags and shopping before Faisal. So he decided to cause a big tantrum and show whos who. Only he locked himself out of his car on his test run to Times Square the center of the world with the Izutsu. Then he bought the wrong fertilizer with the Pathfinder. So he decided the heck with it, I better fly out of here before she goes charging more stuff on his credit.


  13. While I’d like to take credit for the content of my post I can’t, it was sent to me by a good friend in an e-mail and I merely shared it as I felt it was appropriate to the subject being discussed. However while I’m here I’d like to credit seanmahair on an original and truly brilliant post.


  14. I think we will be able to figure out how Fizzle was framed
    for this when they catch the “white male” suspect
    that was seen leaving the vehicle bomb.
    !? Aquaman, dead?!


  15. He was checking if Napolitano’s system is working….

    He is another angry raaaaacist Teabagger…..



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