Know Thy Enemy: The Middle East

We just can’t avoid wars in the Middle East. Even sissy Obama couldn’t help but start another war there; there’s just too many jerks there in dire need of the business end of a cruise missile. So to help everyone out, I thought I’d task my crack research staff to find out all they could about the Middle East:


* Despite the name, the Middle East is really off-center to the left in the East.

* Many of today’s problems in the Middle East started when one guy — I forget his name — said, “You know what religion needs? More violence!”

* The Middle East’s best period was the Islamic Golden Age a thousand years ago. They were so happy with that era that they haven’t advanced a day since.

* Part of the reason the Islamic Golden Age was so great was because of access to genies who would grant any wish. Eventually, though, the Taliban beat all the genies to death for not having the proper beard length.

* The reason the Middle East hates Israel so much is that they’d like to blame how everything sucks on the region, but then a bunch of Jews come and make a country, and it’s the only one there that doesn’t look like it would benefit from a technology exchange with Fred Flintstone.

* If Charlton Heston’s character from Planet of the Apes had come from the Middle East, he would have immediately recognized it as earth, since it wouldn’t have looked very different from what he was used to.

* Also, at the end of the movie, he would have said, “Praise Allah, you blew it up! Take that, you infidels!”

* Americans tend to be quite confused by how people in the Middle East keep bringing up the Crusades, as our knowledge about it comes primarily from the beginning of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (and to a lesser extent, the beginning of Robin Hood: Men in Tights).

* The other thing besides the Crusades that makes the Middle East really mad at the West is how unfairly Indiana Jones fought that swordsman.

* There’s a lot of wrong, counter-productive thinking the Middle East. For instance, they refer to the the U.S. as the “Great Satan”, but Satan isn’t great; he’s a very bad man.

* The only reason people are interested in the Middle East is that it has oil. There are other places to get oil, but we really want that oil.

* I guess we could avoid oil and thus the Middle East by driving around in electric cars and building windmills… though it’s hard to tell if that’s a lifestyle for giving up oil or for giving up testicles.

* If you’re in the Middle East and find yourself surrounded by frumpy ninjas, don’t panic; that’s just women in burkas.

* I can’t guarantee they’re not trying to blow you up, though.

* People in the Middle East are constantly going on about the Islamic Golden Age and the Crusades even though that was a thousand years ago. They’re a bit like a sixty-year-old guy who lives in a broken down trailer home going on and on about his achievements in high school football. Also, he blows up other people’s houses.

* One of the groups that causes the most conflict in the Middle East are the Jews who keep stirring up trouble and anger with their incessant existing.

* There are lots of desert areas in the Middle East that are completely impassible due to violent roving gangs of camels.

* If you ever find yourself stuck in the Middle East, remember that there is pretty much no one there who eats bacon, so you should be able to buy it pretty cheap.

* A lot of people in the Middle East shout “Allahu Akbar!” because they think it’s a really cool thing to say before killing a guy, much like Ezekiel 25:17.

* One of the most powerful countries in the Middle East is Saudi Arabia, and they are always trying to gain favor with the West. It’s just kind of hard to take them seriously when all their leaders dress up like villains from a Disney cartoon.

* That, and all their oppressive laws which would have seemed backwards in Ancient Greece.

* Considering how awful and desolate most of the Middle East is, you’d think more people would just move instead of war over it, but cardboard boxes are a lot more expensive than you think.

* Many in the Middle East complain about American intervention, but it’s actually pretty hard to notice the Americans blowing people up over them blowing each other up. Remember this is a place where “Kite Festival; Eleven Dead” is an actual headline.

* Suicide bombing was invented in the Middle East because the men there were just too lazy to run away from bombs after planting them.

* Some in the Middle East have dreams of conquering the whole world, but it’s kind of hard to do when your military tech lags behind that of the Boy Scouts of America.

* There are a lot of horrible dictators in the Middle East, and they survive by distracting people with made up problems. For instance, despite the poverty, oppression, and war in the Middle East, a recent survey of people there identified the biggest problems the Middle East faced as Jews and Piglet from Winnie the Pooh.

* In a fight between the Middle East and Aquaman, it would quickly turn into a quagmire which would benefit Aquaman’s aqua-powers.

* The Middle East are the only people who watch Mad Men and marvel at the advanced views towards women.

* Despite all its problems, one day the Middle East could be a modern society and a contributor to science and technology. That will probably be after Israel conquers the whole region.

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  1. “The only reason people are interested in the Middle East is that it has oil. There’s other places to get oil, but we really want that oil.”

    Who let Obama join your crack staff? Wait, I made a joke there, didn’t I? Obama, crack staff, that’s nearly funny.


  2. Stinking Infidel! We shall make The Great Satan pay! When you wanted to fake the moon landing you came to us and we let you use our precious land! And then you left with a couple of pigs and a dog for payment! You swine! We shall mount our camels and ride to your country and bring the death and take away your fattened American lazy women for the sex! We have been told that if we ride just until we fall off the earth, stop and there is the Great Satan, America! There shall be the blood running in your streets when our swords are cutting the infidel throats! We shall see you in a couple of weeks god wiling (and the creek don’t rise) see we make infidel humor! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!


  3. Frank never cites who his “crack research staff” actually is. But I suspect SarahK and Buttercup are on it. Maybe Lawrence Simon and Basil, too. I don’t think Harvey is because Harvey’s too blunt about Hodgies.

    I can’t add to Frank’s list. I’m spent on spending! Maybe if I spent some time…


  4. I’m confused by all these “east” things. The Far East, for example, is so far east of us it’s easier and closer if you go west to go to the Far East. It should be called The Far West, but since it’s east of the Middle East, they still call it The Far East even though it’s west of us. So our own Far West is closer to the Far East than our own Far East. But our own Far East is closer to what they call “Western Europe”, even though we have to go east to get there. They should rename it the Near West. But it’s still east of us! And don’t get me started about going north over the aptly named “North Pole” but once you get there everything, and I do mean everything, is South! Confusing? Personally, I think this geography stuff was thought up by a bunch of poo flinging monkeys with too much time on their hands as oppossed to poo.


  5. Geography is all relative, P.I. That way, Obama could say, “We’re bombing the Mideast,” but then bomb North Carolina.

    The east was much easier to understand when we had the Orient, but mebbe that didn’t make much sense either.


  6. I don’t know, we here in Minneapolis live in the “mid-west” even though (east to west) we are pretty much dead smack in the middle of the country. Of course to those in California and NY, we really don’t exist since we are all goobers who still have dirt streets, ride horses and are still fighting Indians! We also send our youngin’s off to the country school where all grades are in a single class where we teach everything directly out of the bible. Then when they come home we send the kids out to do chores like chopping wood, cleaning out the stalls in the barn and bringing in water from the outdoor pump! Some of us who are more well to do have a two “holer” out back but most just have a one hole where we keep a copy of the Sears catalog to wipe with… Then it’s time for shootin’ lessons for both the boys and girls as we are bitter clingers!


  7. * Women are treated as property in the Middle East. Most are valued somewhere below a horse or camel but above a donkey or sheep. This varies considerably since the valuation is based entirely on physical attractiveness. So, for example, only the hottest camels would fetch more than Catherine Zeta Jones – while even a homely sheep would be worth a good deal more than your mother-in-law.


  8. I have to admit, some days I wish people had waited a little while before recreating Israel.

    That way, we could just leave the Middle East all alone.

    They’d blow each other up (when they’re not killing infidels they’re killing each other) and we could just wait about 20 years before we go back and drill through the glass.

    Then Israel could have denukified their land and there wouldn’t be a bunch of splody-dopes sploding all over them.


  9. “Geography is all relative, P.I.”

    Actually, geography has been one of my strongest subjects. I bet I could clean up on Jeopardy if only I’d remember that danged “phrase it as a question” bit.


  10. So Cat, if a homely sheep would be worth a good deal more than your mother-in-law, how many clones of hillary. helen thomas, or rosie odonnell would you have to come up with to buy a really ugly sheep?


  11. @FormerHostage:

    Q: Why were there no Muslims in the original Star Trek?
    A: Because it was set in the future.

    Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

    You understand that fatwas calling for death by dismemberment have been issued for both of us, right? Not to disavow diversity or anything, but some cultures have better senses of humor about themselves than others.


  12. plentyobailouts – If we had a decent administration rather than Obama’s corruptocrats, your proposal to clone Hillary, Helen Thomas, and Rosie O’Donnell would be considered a terrorist threat and you’d be dealt with severely.


  13. “Many of today’s problems in the Middle East started when one guy — I forget his name — said, ‘You know what religion needs? More violence!'”

    His name was Mohamed. As a side note, it’s fun to draw cartoons of him.


  14. Pingback: Thus Spake Russ » Quote of the Day

  15. If you heat sand hot enough it turns into glass.

    People can’t live on glass or in a place hot enough to turn into glass.

    If the Mahdi comes back and there are no people because everything is glass will he go away?

    If he goes away will he take Abinutjob with him, should he make it through the metamorphosis?


  16. In the Middle (Off-Center-To-The Left) East, The ‘Baby Milk Factories’ produce WMDs, and the ‘Chemical Weapons Factories’ make Aspirin.

    In the Middle East, Israel’s laws do not permit the raping of women, then putting them to death for adultery/fornication. So Israel must be destroyed.

    In the Middle East, Jihadi Children go from diapers, to Splodey Vests, so when they suddenly blow up, it’s thought to be a natural occurance.

    In the Middle East, there are many Blind Imams. Obviously, they were never warned about “stopping that before you go blind”. The Blind Imams have hairy palms too.



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