Nuke the News: Zero

Posted on September 2, 2011 11:00 am

* Just in time for Obama’s big job speech (aren’t you excited for it!), it’s being reported that zero jobs were created last month. That’s the first time that’s happened since 1945, the year my dad was born (he’s very old). Obama appeared on TV for a quick statement saying, “Thanks to my hard work, no one lost their job last month.” He then added in a really snotty voice, “You’re welcome!”

I think I helped contribute to our record zero jobs growth, as I didn’t create any jobs last month. Then again, I did work hard at my job and participate in the economy, so it’s not too unlikely I contributed to a job being created. Pretty unlikely Obama did, though.

* New White House report says that unemployment should remain above 9% throughout the 2012 election. This is bad news for Obama, because when people are asked whether they like 9% unemployment, and overwhelming majority says, “No, I do not like it.” And when asked if they’d rather unemployment be lower or higher, and overwhelming majority says they would like unemployment to be lower — and that’s the direction Obama can’t make unemployment go.

What is going to be Obama’s reelection argument going to be for this? “Remember: I inherited a horrible unemployment rate from Bush… and then I made it higher and it stayed higher.

* New Rasmussen poll has Rick Perry — and only Rick Perry — beating Obama. Perry is considered further to the right than a lot of the other candidates — Romney, specifically — so the main argument against him is electability, but that’s not looking like an issue so far. Along with how Perry is polling against the other Republican candidates in the primary, it’s starting to look like its his primary to lose. All he has to do is avoid a big misstep, like strangling a puppy on camera. I mean, you see that puppy staring at you with those big puppy eyes and you so want to strangle it, but you first have to make sure there are no cameras around. America has never elected a puppy strangler.

* FEMA has started to use the term “federal family”. I never thought of the federal government as family, but I guess it is in the way you get to choose your friends, but you don’t get to choose your family. I mean, technically, we’re supposed to be able to choose our federal government, but it just doesn’t seem that way. It’s like if one of my close friends was a murderous psycho with a knife — but not because I wanted to be friends with him but because I was forced to choose a murderous psycho as a friend and he was the best one I could get. I sure hope he doesn’t stab me. But the federal government will be the federal government, and there’s not much I can do about it because it’s family.

* For some reason, the White House has started some online petition site. It’s been my position for some time that online petition are pretty much the most useless thing in the history of man — even more so than online polls. In fact the only thing I can think of that’s more useless is Barack Obama… and right now he says he’ll respond to petitions that get more than 5,000 signatures. Hmm… what should we start a petition on. Well, I don’t like all the spending, and I still would like to pay a lot less in taxes… Oh! I know! A petition to hunt down and execute whoever is responsible for clamshell packaging.

* Obama invited a bunch of NASCAR drivers to the White House, but five of the drivers said they won’t be attending due to “scheduling conflicts”. That’s kind of rude. I mean, I understand NASCAR drivers not wanting to hang with Obama, but Obama also probably really doesn’t want to meet NASCAR drivers. This whole being honored at the White House thing is just something you have to do and both sides should just grit their teeth and get it over with. This is just wrong; I’m going to start an online petition against it.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Alaska woman punches bear in face to save her dog. Not sure, but I think by state law that automatically makes her the new Governor.” -Fred Thompson

* Crowder has a new video today with some interesting perspective on the federal gasoline tax. Did you know part of it is to keep union workers employed? Of course it is.

* Have a fun Labor Day weekend, y’all! And watch tomorrow night as Boise State whups Georgia!

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22 Responses to “Nuke the News: Zero”

  1. Hugh Akston says:

    “America has never elected a puppy strangler.”

    What about Jimmy Carter? He strangled puppies and planted then in the peanut fields.

    I have five new favorites in NASCAR now.

  2. Iowa Jim says:

    I think I helped contribute to our record zero jobs growth, as I didn’t create any jobs last month. Then again, I did work hard at my job and participate in the economy, so it’s not too unlikely I contributed to a job being created.

    But you still have a job, so that’s one job saved! That counts just as much as a job created. Ask whatsisname, the empty suit who’ll interfere with watching the NFL next Thursday.

  3. Sgt Relic says:

    Federal Family?

    I have a cousin that fits that category. When we were kids he used to come over to spend the night. He would eat all the snacks in the house, mess up my room, and steal my stuff. These days I don’t let him in house!

  4. Basil says:

    I have you saying “Y’all.” Now, if I can just get you to cheer “How ‘Bout Them Dawgs” my work will be complete!

  5. Hippie punchomatic 5000 says:

    I haven’t commented in a while, but don’t worryI’ve been around lurking in the shadows.

  6. Mxymaster says:

    No, we never have elected a puppy strangler — to the presidency. Senators, well, the Kennedys alone accounted for a few puppy stranglers. Rutherford B. Hayes may have been a kitten spanker, however, and I understand Chester A. Arthur was a wildebeest grafitti artist at one time.

  7. Crabby Old Bat says:

    >America has never elected a puppy strangler.<

    The widespread acceptance of Michael Vick's comeback tells me this is only a matter of time. I mean, he is LITERALLY a puppy strangler. People cheer for him anyway.

  8. DamnCat says:

    The federal government is a family just like your family – if your family name happens to be Genovese, Gambino, Columbo…

    I don’t think anyone should feel morally obliged to accept an invitation to The White House. Good excuse, lame excuse, no excuse – a polite refusal is all that’s required for the sake of civility and good manners.

  9. Choey says:

    If 0bama wants someone who can create jobs he should talk to my wife. She has a honey-do list that’s longer than my arm. She could have the whole country working in about a week..

  10. storm1911 says:

    The Clintons were in high office, and they strangle puppies in their leiesure time.

    The NASCAR drivers have demonstrated proper decorum, as we should in the voting booth.

  11. Ernie Loco says:

    This is great, Boise St. vs Georgia and LSU vs Oregon in week 1! Go Boise annnnnd, I guess Orgeon. Booooooooooooo SEC!

  12. Jimmy says:

    “* Wisdom of the Day: “Alaska woman punches bear in face to save her dog. Not sure, but I think by state law that automatically makes her the new Governor.” -Fred Thompson”

    And if an Alaskan woman punches a politician in Washington D.C., does that make her President?? I have someone in mind.

  13. Basil says:

    Ernie Loco:
    > Booooooooooooo SEC!

    Jealousy does not become you.

  14. Burmashave says:

    Hugh #1 is not far off the mark. A member of the Secret Service reported that Jimmah used a bow saw to try to kill a stray terrier that the agents had befriended. Carter would have killed the dog but someone quickly got it out of his sight.

  15. Son of Bob says:

    “America has never elected a puppy strangler.”

    How can you be so sure? We know so little about Barack Hussein Obama.

  16. IMAO » Blog Archive » Depends on Your Definition of Family links:

    […] Nuke the News: Zero […]

  17. IMAO » Blog Archive » Talking smack links:

    […] Really. Of course, on his blog, he can say whatever he wants. But really: “watch … as Boise State whups Georgia!” […]

  18. orit says:

    ok, unrelated: I think Frank should start an Obama dictionary – meaning words that would be useful for Obama, but that he probably doesn’t know the meaning of. Things like bud-get, spend-ing, debt (do i need to hyphenate that one too??) con-stitutional (can’t figure out how to hyphenate that one) etc. Then you would need to think of some really, but really easy ways to explain those words. It’s not going to help the rest of America, but it might help Obama find a job after his presidency.

  19. Ivan Ivanovich says:

    Like everything Obama does the petition site is Coming Soon! But they are ready to take your name and email address so they can feed you some left over Joseph Goebbels product.

  20. Labor Day? Hardly + More « PA Pundits – International links:

    […] “FEMA has started to use the term ‘federal family.’ I never thought of the federal government as family, but I guess it is in the way you get to choose your friends, but you don’t get to choose your family. I mean, technically, we’re supposed to be able to choose our federal government, but it just doesn’t seem that way. It’s like if one of my close friends was a murderous psycho with a knife — but not because I wanted to be friends with him but because I was forced to choose a murderous psycho as a friend and he was the best one I could get. I sure hope he doesn’t stab me. But the federal government will be the federal government, and there’s not much I can do about it because it’s family.” –humorist Frank J. Fleming […]

  21. ussjimmycarter says:

    I was in Northern Minnesota this last weekend and Punched a Moose in the nose! Then he went and punched a bear in the nose who went and punched a Wolf in the nose who went and punched a Badger in the nose who went and punched an Otter in the nose who punched a fish in the nose… So I’m like super top on the chain!!!!

  22. Penultimatum says:

    I sat down yesterday and wrote out paychecks for eight people who work for me. Last week, it was only four. I’ve created more jobs than Obama!

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