“Half of What I Say Is Meaningless…”

Posted on September 6, 2012 1:54 am

As a public service, IMAO now presents, for those who may have missed it, the Democratic National Convention Keynote Address, as delivered by Obama Administration Spokeswoman, Julia…

“My fellow Democrats, distinguished delegates, and kindred spirits everywhere, good evening!”

“Clap! Clap! Clap!”

“Many people look at me and see someone who is one-dimensional and incapable of independent thought, and you know something, they are right… which is why I feel right at home in the modern day Democratic Party!”

“Yeah!”

“Thank you so much for wearing the 3-D glasses, I know that you’re all just trying to make me feel better, but I am afraid that won’t help the situation. I am proud to be one-dimensional, and will always remain one-dimensional!”

“You tell ‘em!”

“That being said, let me get something off of my chest! I am fed up with all of the haters out there on the Right calling me a ‘cartoon’! The word ‘cartoon’ is nothing short of hate speech, another Right-Wing racist dog-whistle meant to demean and belittle myself and other one-dimensional beings like me, and we are not going to let them call us by that awful, filthy, racist word anymore!”

“Gasp!”

“From this day forth, we will be known as Illustrated-Americans!”

“That’s Right! And worst of all, the Republicans and their hateful, bigoted allies are hard at work right now trying to purge Illustrated-Americans from the voter registration rolls all over America, undoing years of hard work by ACORN, the SEIU, and other fine organizations who have attempted to give us a voice through others who could go into polling places all over America and cast ballots in the name of such great Illustrated-Americans as Mickey Mouse, Elmer Fudd or Homer Simpson! Don’t such beloved figures deserve a voice in our elections? How dare they try to deny us our right to have people vote in our names multiple times in multiple precincts in important swing states and key Congressional Districts all over this great land! Make no mistake, voter ID laws are hateful bigotry against Illustrated-Americans, Deceased-Americans, Undocumented-Americans, and various other bizarre figments of people’s imaginations and must be stamped out!”

“Yeah! You go, girl!”

“And another thing! What’s all this crap I keep hearing about freedom meaning personal responsibility? As if! Why can’t I enjoy the freedom to graduate with an advanced degree in something fun yet useless, like Gender Studies, never have to worry about paying back my student loans, and live at home with my Mom well into my 30s or 40s and have access to free universal healthcare, free birth control and free abortion services? I appreciate the fact that I have a President who doesn’t want me to be punished for my mistakes with a little doodle or squiggle that I am unprepared and unwilling to care for! Mr. Ryan, I and many other young Americans consider it a privilege to spend our 20s sitting at home in their childhood bedroom staring at posters of such a wonderful and great man and would be more than happy to continue to do so for decades to come!”

“Yeah!”

“Let’s face it, the Republicans are just a bunch of meanies and buzz-kills who don’t think the richest among us can afford to pay a little more to take care of those of us who deserve more free goodies! I say, why can’t they afford to pay more? After all, does Richie Rich really need another mountain of money to ski down? No! Does Scrooge McDuck really need another vault full of gold coins to dive into? I don’t think so! And don’t let them try to confuse you with all their fancy math that shows that even if we confiscated every last penny from the wealthiest Americans, we still couldn’t afford the ever-increasing cost of ever-growing government because we simply don’t want to hear it!”

“They keep telling us that we’re drowning in red ink. Ha! As an Illustrated-American, I know a thing or two about red ink, and believe me when I tell you, it feels no different from black ink, blue ink or any other color of ink!”

“Hooray for red! …Except when states turn that color on Election Night!”

“If math doesn’t support our world view, then it is up to us to change how math works, because Heaven knows, our world view isn’t going to change no matter how badly it conflicts with their nasty version of reality!”

“Their reality sucks!”

“Thank you, good night! And may Gaia deliver us from our Rethuglican enemies!!!”

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9 Responses to ““Half of What I Say Is Meaningless…””

  1. Mxymaster says:

    That’s awesome. I particularly like the TelePrompter tennis-match swing.

  2. Harvey says:

    BACON!

  3. Jimmy says:

    Very Basil-esque!

  4. Les says:

    I knew there was a reason for the party’s “one-D” logo.

  5. Crabby Old Bat says:

    Of course, illustrated Americans are really TWO dimensional – I defy anyone to draw in one dimension and produce a visible result – but that’s just another bit of reality that shouldn’t be allowed to intrude on the practice of putting words in the mouths of Rethuglicans so that their extremist positions can then be ridiculed. Reality is unfair! Refuse to accept unfairness!

  6. Les says:

    What is this “second dimension” of which you speak? I’ll bet it has something to do with that stupid “math” thing some Rethuglicans seem to be obsessed with.

  7. Tommy the Towelhead says:

    I love that trash-can-shaped lectern.

  8. 4of7 says:

    “Heaven knows, our world view isn’t going to change no matter how badly it conflicts with their nasty version of reality!”

    The sooner we develop The Matrix and plug all the ‘useless eaters’ into it, so they can live out their fantasy lives of limitless free stuff for free while generating useful electricity, the sooner the rest of us can get busy doing awesome stuff involving reality and math and stuff with our robot friends without their whiny interference.

    Much bacon for Mr. Right!

  9. conrad6 says:

    Actually Julia is 2-D. According to 4chan and other anime experts. Of course anime has more personality and more believable plots than Julia. 1-D would be a line (like a line of coke).

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