Straight Line of the Day: To Solve the City’s Financial Problems, Detroit…

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To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…

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  1. To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…city officials are gonna smoke some meth and play Call of Duty 3. What? You got a better idea?

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  2. …asked Mr. Potter for a break. And when that fell through, Detroit wandered the streets until it came to a bridge. It climbed the railing and prepared to jump. “Wait!” shouted a stranger. Detroit hesitated. The man rushed over and pushed Detroit over the edge into the watery oblivion below. “You’ve had that coming for far too long,” said the stranger.

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  3. … borrowed money from that guy down the street for lotto tickets.

    … kept doing the same thing expecting different results.

    … prayed for rain

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  4. Created the “Union of All Detroit”; and as Detroit is 311 years old it immediately retired at 311% of its peak wages.

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  5. … bring government spending in line with projected incomes, change legislation to create a more business-friendly environment, tie salaries (and benefits) of government employees to actual budget numbers to avoid deficits.

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  6. … aired Public Service Announcements that reminded the citizenry that it hasn’t been all that long since they were all cannibals.

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  7. …declared its independence, became a Third World Country and began collecting trillion dollar bailouts, handouts and developement funds from the World Bank and the USA.

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  8. …cancelled Welfare payments and created a lottery with Bus tickets for all citizens. Then they had the city declared an EPA disaster area.

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  9. To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…Ha! Just Kidding!
    …Bought a fleet of chevy volt’s to stimulate the low cost, green driveby movement.
    …Crashed on their friend Toledo’s couch and claimed never to have heard of Detroit
    …Tried to institute a barter system. It was quickly discovered that because of the unions there were no trade goods left and because of public education there were no marketable skills.
    …Inspired by some savy Iphone owners, Paid the whole debt off with food stamps.

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  10. …raised the income tax to 4,000,000,000,000%.

    …put on a blond wig and a mini skirt and waited for Charlie Sheen to cruise by.

    …claimed to be 1/32 Jeep Cherokee.

    …rezoned Michael Moore as a fat farm and sold fat.

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  11. To Solve the City’s Financial Problems, Detroit… agreed to be in the robocop program. Oddly enough, that took care of the vast majority of crime there, and made for a really cool documentary film. Who knew?
    Oh, wait, you’re talking about reality? Crap, never mind. That place is hosed.

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  12. To Solve the City’s Financial Problems, Detroit…decided that they would invest in a time machine requiring a $1 trillion dollar tax increase.

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  13. …raised the arson license fee to match the heating subsidy of a can of gas and a Bic lighter costs.

    …started jailing the convicted felon teachers with the incarcerated until the age of eighteen thugs which leaves only one one room schoolhouse and 7,000 janitors to pay for.

    …hire Sheryl Crow to dispense city restroom toilet paper.

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  14. …started printing money, aimed at devaluing the “Detroit Dollar”, as it were, so that inflation would make the debt less onerous. Then they used the newly minted money to purchase up Detroit muni bonds, and PRESTO! Like magic, all problems solved……..except for that little crime thing…..

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  15. To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…is going to raise the taxes on all their millionaires. (According to Obama’s plan that’s all any financial problem needs thrown at it.)

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  16. To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…is going to rename itself Beverly Hills to fool tourists.

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  17. To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…needs to just bring in bulldozers…and start over.

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  18. To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…invests the pension fund in Powerball tickets.

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  19. To solve the city’s financial problems, Detroit…had to borrow money from the union bosses, compounded daily.

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  20. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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