New Jersey Senator Torricelli took time off from embezzling to say people shouldn’t just focus on the war but be more vigilant of the economy as well. “As families across the nation sit down at their kitchen tables today, conversation is just as likely to turn to the mounting threats to our economic security,” he stated, though he has been too busy scrounging for illegal campaign contributions to talk to his own family in months. He gained this knowledge by illegally spying on New Jersey families looking for information he could use to black mail votes out of them. “For the first time in eight years, the number of Americans living in poverty is growing, while the middle class is shrinking,” he added, pausing to stare at a woman pushing a stroller nearby, barely resisting the urge to throw the child into traffic. Finishing his statements, he suddenly jumped into a Porsche with David Chang and sped towards Mexico. Soon after, police cars were seen in hot pursuit. His current whereabouts are unknown. If you see him, quickly notify the police. He is considered to be armed and fairly liberal, so approach with caution.
Archive of entries posted on 28th September 2002
License to Whup Ass
God do I hate globalization protestors. Yesterday they caused a bunch of trouble, and today we all know they’ll cause more. So why can’t we preemptively strike these idiots? I know, I know, people have a right to free speech and protest, so we can’t hurt them before they actually do something. But we all know they’re going to do something, so why can’t the police go to a judge, show him the past history of these dumbass protestors, and get a beating permit. Next we trick the protestors into thinking the World Bank and IMF meetings are down some dark alleyway. Then the police surround them and beat them like red-headed stepchildren. Now, don’t take me out of context; I don’t mean they should be beat within an inch of their lives. They should just be each given a few whomps to the head to knock the bad thinking out. Of course, as happens with anything effective America may do, other world leaders may protest what we’ve done. We then tell them we’re really sorry and we’ve decided to have a big meeting with other countries to discuss it. Next we trick them into thinking the meeting is down some dark alleyway and then – POW! – we knock the European sensibilities out of them. We do this enough times, we’ll have world peace!