Portugal is cautioning Bush on Iraq. Why do they even get to register an opinion? I’ve heard of Portugal before, but I can’t remember if it’s in Europe or South America. You could blame my ignorance of geography for that, but I blame Portugal for being so insignificant that’s its never in the news for me to know anything about it. I don’t get it how all these silly little countries can just come up to the president of the United States and tell us what to do. There are like a thousand countries – most of them not even worth mentioning. Can America really be expected to keep track of them all? What Portugal should do is tell their opinion to either Britain or Brazil (according to whatever continent it’s actually on), and, if that country considers it important enough, then they can pass it on. Hierarchies, yo.

It’s way too easy to find left-wing bias in the media – hell you can’t swing a dead cat in a newsroom without hitting left-wing bias – but I always wondered if I’d be able to spot right-wing bias in a new story. Well, I just read this article on foxnews.com, and tell me if it doesn’t sound a bit like an editorial, especially the last couple paragraphs (I’m sorry; I don’t know how to do proper quote indenting with blogger):

“But four days ago, Daschle sounded a different tune.

“‘What has changed over the course of the last 10 years that brings this country to the belief that it has to act in a pre-emptive fashion?’

“What has changed by most accounts is that after four years of continued weapons development, Saddam is even more dangerous than he was when Daschle was advocating military action.

“What also has changed is the resident of the White House, a Republican president, who maintains very high popularity ratings.”

Now, of course, it is correct, but it sure seems to point someone to a conclusion rather than just give the facts. For those interested, my own position is that the Democrats are evil opportunists who will take any position, no matter how harmful to Americans, as long as it leads to taxing the rich. And they think anyone who’s an assistant manager at McDonalds and up are rich. What we should do if we really want to help our nation in the war on terror is round up all Democrats, put them in a space ship, and launch it into the sun. I know, you’re all probably saying, “Hey, you stupid right-wing barbarian, why would we do something so hare-brained and expensive as that when we could just throw the Democrats into the nearest volcano to incinerate them. Think, you idiot!”

Well, here’s what I have to say to you liberal, soft-on-crime ninnies who want to just throw everyone in a volcano: Wake up, people! A punishment as quick and relatively painless as throwing someone into a volcano is not going to change things. These people need a long excruciating flight to the sun during which they can think about how wrong they are for being Democrats. That’s the only way to make them learn!

Violent crime dropped by 9 percent last year, marking the lowest level since the government first started surveying victims. People are saying the decrease is from a strong economy and tougher sentencing, but I bet it’s our good ole friend guns. The article mentions that car theft actually rose by 7 percent, which means criminals are switching to victims they know can’t shoot them (unless it’s the Bond car). This is expected, because all criminals throughout history, from the violent thugs of today to the first caveman who jacked someone else’s wheels, dislike being shot by a .45 automatic. It’s an extremely unpleasant phenomenon, and its harsh symptoms are well known:

sharp pain
dizziness
blood loss
loss of bladder control
sudden weight loss
heart failure
heart explosion
loss of stomach contents through vomiting
*loss of stomach contents through new hole in the abdomen

A .45 automatic does have the good affect of instantly turning a violent criminal into someone quite law abiding, except, perhaps, for their new reckless disregard of loitering laws.