Wow, watching the race for Democrat presidential candidate is exciting as anyone could win… even crazy nutjobs! Now the Democrats will decide whether they will send up some moderate to be trounced by Bush or some peacenik liberal to be supremely trounced by Bush. It’s just part of human nature to root for the underdog at times, so I’m going to give the Democrats some advice for actually winning the presidency next year.
* Murder the Clintons: The Clintons are going to try to suck all the oxygen out of the room so that no other Democrats can be popular. They want you to lose in 2004 so Hillary can run in 2008. Kill them both… and Terry McAuliffe as well. Do it secretly so as not to anger your base, or do it publicly to win some independents and Republicans (“Hey, them Democrats ain’t so bad; they murdered those Clintons good!”).
* Taint the water supply with LSD: LSD will make people paranoid and irrational, and thus more likely to vote for a Democrat… or a Libertarian.
* Make it so that convicts can vote: Thieves and murderers tend to lean towards the Democrats, plus they’ll be sure to vote for you if you promise pardons. I might even like the idea to suddenly saturate America with criminals; that will make more support for my posse initiative.
* Murder President Bush: He’s too popular, so kill him. Maybe then you can run against the more vulnerable Dick “Ah! My Chest!” Cheney. Of course, it could backfire, and you could be running against a Rumsfeld/Rice ticket who will seek vengeance.
* Defeat all terrorism: Get some guns and some mercenaries and quickly go out and defeat all terrorism. With national security no longer an issue, people will begin to worry about piddling crap again that are the Democrats’ main issues.
* Change the rules: Quickly change the Constitution so that the president is decided by a disco dance competition. Could also backfire.
* Add and remove states: Make fun of the South until they secede again. There goes a lot of votes for Bush. Now get Canada to join (“We like Democrats, eh.”).
* Confuse seniors: Whoever is the Democrat candidate, legally change his name to George Bush to confuse people.
* Whine. Whine. Whine: Whatever happens, go with your strengths.
There you go, Demoncrap Democrats. Best of luck, and may the most weasely win.
NOTE TO ANY GOVERNMENT TYPES WHO MAY ENCOUNTER THIS SATIRE: We here at IMAO (meaning me) certainly do not actually endorse the assassination of President Bush (hell I voted for him and plan on doing so again). I also do not endorse the assassination of the Clintons or McAulife; they should only be killed after due process of law.
They could also try changing all their policies to exactly match those of the Republicans. Then the candidates would be elected not based on policies (which would be identical), but based on whether the candidate could pronounce ‘nuclear’ correctly.
LMAO. 🙂
I think you’re so dead right on the Clintons. They are going to try to suck up all the oxygen, and Al Gore as well. You know he’s going to come out saying something like “I really invented today’s army so you have to give that victory credit all to me….And the battle plan – that was my idea too.”
hey man.. you had better chill on the kill thing for the Klittons… The SS monitors this stuff. I know a guy who was a sniper in the Army and he drew a comic about sniping ‘ol Bill and they put in under eval and tossed him out on his ear when they figured he wouldn’t do it for real.
There are some things best not said…
Hey, I’m a Libertarian, and some of the people I know resemble that one remark! (Seriously – on the Libertarian list I frequent, I see about three people who have a grasp on reality there. I like to think I’m one of ’em.)
The Libertarians I’ve seen are bugf–k enough that I think it’s a good idea to let my membership lapse. I’ll probably stay libertarian, but not Libertarian.
Frank, GwithG is right. You have many fine qualities but seem to have an underdeveloped sense of paranoia. You can’t talk about offing ex- and current Presidents and their immediate families without the ninjas hearing about it. It’s like joking about bombs in the airport or telling Pope jokes in the Vatican. Ninjas don’t think that stuff is funny even when it is. Maybe you should go into hiding. Just a thought…
I agree with the others on the jokes about the Pres. and Clintons as well … Yes, it is obviously satire, but it is amazing how many government types just don’t UNDERSTAND satire, especially on this subject. Unless you WANT the attention, I’d remove those jokes. And, frankly, they aren’t that funny. (Heck, I only would suggest the Demos see to it that the Clintons rot in Jail for a couple of decades, and people tell me I am extreme. Yeesh!)
There, I hope I’ve responded to any concerns.
That disclaimer oughtta do it. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
That it’s satire — even obviously so — doesn’t always guarantee the Feds are gonna ignore it; just remember what happened to the Daily Show’s Craig Killbush..er..Killborn!…when he/they put up a photo of Bush, during the 2000 campaign, with the caption “Assassins Wanted.” He got away with it, of course, but a blogger — with 1/1000 of his audience at the time — might not be so fortunate.
Hey Zeb!
Frank is already in hiding. He’s in Melbore Fl.
It’s true – there are some things you can’t joke about. For a while I had an animated feature called “Dancing Bush” on my Web site, so he may shock and awe the Democrats even in that department. But it may not come to that. They have been so busy sniping at him over the small stuff and repeating the Big Lie that he’s an idiot that they are genuinely caught by surprise when he outsmarts them over and over again. How sad.
from a former Democrat
Wow, if government is really that stupid maybe the lefties arent far off with their ‘police state’ crap. What’s the point of freedom of speech if such blatant humour could be taken seriously? I see and hear things about killing President Bush nearly every day. I can’t imagine the sort of network you’d need set up to really monitor, investigate and prosecute for this stuff. Heh, I like the last sentence in the disclaimer.
Helpful hints
Frank tells the Donks how they can win in 2004….
“they should only be killed after due process of law.”
I think you’re covered on that point.
No need to worry about jackbooted thugs breaking down your door. Not only are they very busy, so they may only send someone around to talk to you if that much, but the things keeping them busy are usually more important.
The problem with paranoia is that it often doesn’t take into consideration the idea of collective incompetence. You get that many people together and they form a socialist-democrat style of commitee. Then they can accomplish very little.
The most important thing is that if they do bother you then you get all sorts of publicity for your site. Then the whole country can read your writings.
It’s not so much that it’s obviously satire and every Agent worth his potassium knows it, it’s that they’re compelled by the Procedures to investigate ANY threat to the President — no matter how credible it is on it’s face.
A “visit” might go something like: “We know this was probably only a joke, so, in lieu of Us hauling yer ass to Torture-Central, please sign here affirming that you wave all Rights to counsel should we decide to make an example of you.”
Helpful hints
Frank tells the Donks how they can win in 2004….