“Did you know I was actually behind 9/11? Facilitating. I didn’t even suspect that.”
“You need to stop reading these left-wing conspiracy newsletters,” Karl Rove said, snatching the paper away from President Bush, “You are too easily influenced.”
“So I shouldn’t join that protest against our illegal occupation of Iraq?” Bush asked.
“No!” Rove shouted, “You need to focus. The economy is improving, thus we need to make sure the American public is on your side with the war on terror. If we can do this, then victory and prosperity is ours. Otherwise, a Democrat will become president and terror will reign, as foreseen by the elders.”
“Don’t worry, Rover,” Bush said, “I just gave this great speech on bringing democracy to the Middle East. Who could be angered by that?”

“I am very angered by this!” shouted the evil Saudi king, “We can’t have those meddling American bringing democracy to the Middle East. That will mean peace and prosperity for our people. That will also mean they won’t be focusing anymore on blowing up Jews, Americans, and each other, and instead realize how tyrannical our rule is. This cannot happen. How can we stop these ideas from spreading?”
“We can blame everything on the Jews,” offered an aide.
“But we need new ideas now!”
“Uh… we can blame everything on the Episcopalians.”
“Not good enough!” the evil Saudi king said, “We need to go into Iraq and make sure their democracy fails. If the Americans fail, the Iraqis will fail, and then the people of the Middle East will remain poor and ignorant while we continue to prosper. Muh ha ha ha!”

“Yes, it was an odd set of circumstances,” Condoleezza Rice said, “First Dick Cheney died of a heart attack – no one saw that coming – and then, soon after I was elected Vice President in 2004, Bush died by sticking a fork in an electric socket. People became so enamored by my rule that they declared me empress, and, of course, I had to accept. Now, everyone, let’s pause for a moment to worship me and behold my beauty.”
“Uh… am I interrupting something,” Buck the Marine asked, looking a bit confused.
Condi quickly sat down behind her desk. “No, I was just… uh… planning the future of Iraq. You’re Buck, right? Buck the Marine?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Buck looked around Condi’s office noticing all the marble statues and gold artifacts. “You sure have a nice office here in Iraq.”
“Riches help me think,” Condi answered curtly, “Anyway, tomorrow is an important day for Iraq. A council is convening to work on the new constitution. Our intelligence suggests that people will be trying to disrupt this meeting.”
“Why?” Buck asked, “Who could be wanting to harm these poor Iraqis and us Americans who are trying to help everyone.” Buck then thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, for’ners, just like I kill all the time.” Buck squinted his eyes menacingly. “I done hates for’ners.”
“Good, because I want you to find who is plotting against us and kill them,” Condi said, “You will have the help the world’s angriest U.N. peacekeeper, Chomps.” A rottweiler wearing a blue U.N. helmet entered the room and immediately started attacking a marble statue. “Bad dog!”

“Well, this is the building where the meeting will be taking place,” Buck narrated, “So what’s your anger sense telling you, Chomps?”
Chomps started growling and then ran off. Buck quickly followed. Behind the building they found a three people standing around a cart. “What are you people doing?” Buck demanded.
“We are but street vendors,” answered one, “and are not involved in any terrorists activities whatsoever.”
Chomps growled and gnashed his teeth.
“Chomps seems to think you’re up to something foreign,” Buck accused them.
“Perhaps,” answered one of the men, “So I would keep looking at us and not look behind you.”
“I am going to keep my eyes on you,” Buck said threateningly, “’cause I don’t trust you. I think in fact you might be for’ners! So I’m…”
Chomps started barking wildly at something behind Buck. Buck turned around to see a two terrorists sneaking up on him with AK-47’s in hand. He quickly fired at them with his M-16 as they fired back. He shot one, but a bullet hit his rifle. Chomps jumped at the remaining one, mouth agape while Buck dropped to the ground and drew his .45, shooting the three around the cart who had now drawn guns as well. Six more terrorists now came running at Buck and Chomps, each firing an AK-47. Suddenly they all fell to the ground revealing a woman standing behind them dressed in black, wearing sunglasses, and holding a Beretta in each hand.
“Is that you, Dr. Rice?” Busk asked, standing up. Chomps coughed up a hand.
“Yes, I thought you might need some help,” Condi answered, “I always wanted to shoot people with dual Berettas.”
“I didn’t need no woman’s help,” Buck said, “and why are you dressed like some S&M queen?”
“It’s my Halloween costume,” Condi answered, “I’m Trinity from The Matrix.”
“I don’t watch sci-fi,” Buck answered, “The future is an undiscovered country… and undiscovered foreign country.”
“Whatever,” Condi answered rolling her eyes, “The important thing is the terrorists have been stopped. I wonder who they were.”
“Well I know one type of for’ner that dies like that,” Buck answered, “Saudis!”
“If there is some sort of Saudi plot, we’ll have to deal with it later,” Condi said, “The meeting is starting soon.”
Chomps started savagely attacking one of the wheels of the cart. “Something about that cart is making Chomps angry,” Buck said. He then pulled a tarp off the top of it and found some weird electronic device inside.
“It’s a bomb!” Condi exclaimed.
Chomps immediately jumped up in the cart and then swallowed the bomb whole.
“I don’t think it’s good for a dog to eat something like that,” Buck remarked.
“As long as he doesn’t vomit on the carpet on my office, I don’t care,” Condi said, “Now it’s time to make a constitution.”

“You don’t seem dressed for the occasion, Dr. Rice.”
“I was just killing people and didn’t have time to change,” Condi said, taking off her sunglasses and sitting down, “So how do you like my draft for the constitution.”
“It’s pretty good,” one of the council said, “but I think it could do without all the swearing and the explicit sex scene.”
“Fine, be a bunch of prudes,” Condi sighed.
“Hey, does this say in really small writing that Condoleezza Rice will be queen?” asked one of the council who was looking at the draft constitution with a magnifying glass.
Condi smiled innocently. “That’s just an ink smudge.”