I have the Borat song “Throw the Jew Down the Well” stuck in my head, which is bad. Because I don’t want to be at work picking up some printouts and, without thinking, start singing to myself, “Throw the Jew down the well…”

What if, while I’m singing that, a Jewish co-worker comes by and says to me, “Hey! It isn’t right to want to throw me down a well!”
And my only response would be, “But I want my country to be free.”
“Then you’d better find some other means to that end than throwing Jews down wells. Good day, sir.”
I don’t think my company hires Jews, though.

I hate five day work weeks (half my work weeks are only four days since we work nine hours Monday through Thursday), but a six day work week?
Well, here I am on Saturday to put in a full nine hours (and I actually have plenty to get done), but I’ll take some sanity breaks to blog.
Anyhoo, this morning I saw that John Hawkins had posted a video from Chris Rock entitled “How Not to Get Your Ass Kicked” which would have been great advice for the idiot from UCLA to follow.
As we all know, Lair stuck to that advice when he had guns pointed at him, and he turned out (relatively) fine.

The book is finally sent to the printers. We will begin taking orders next week.
Oh, and I have a full nine hour work day tomorrow, so rest is temporary. And as soon as we get home, I begin the trip to Texas.
Oy.
I’ll get rest one of these days.

Among Michael Moore’s promises to Conservatives:

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

Is Michael Moore actually trying to tell Conservatives that he’s going to be paying them minimum wage?
Dude, Some of us actually make more than that. Thank you for the offer, we’re flattered, but I think we’d rather make what we’re making now.

Continue reading ‘Moore’s Law’ »

Remember last year when I told you the tale of getting mistaken for an illegal Mexican narcoterrorist gunrunner?
If you read through my account of it, despite their obvious mistake from my perspective, I did nothing to resist, frustrate, confuse, or infuriate the individuals with potentially lethal weaponry in a 25-foot radius of me or Deskmerc.
They were not asking me to do things. This was not some negotiation.
They commanded me.
I complied the first time they issued any command. If they said anything twice, it was only because I was doing it slowly to make sure I wasn’t doing it too quickly and looking like I was trying to escape, resist, or… whatever the hell other than what they were telling me to do.
One ugly face, one middle finger, one expletive in the face of large men with guns and flak jackets, and Deskmerc would still be scraping me off of his passenger’s seat.
If someone wasn’t scraping him off of his seat.
I did what they said, complied with every order, used language that was neither offensive or rude, and things got sorted out without anyone getting hurt or sued.
If I could be faulted for anything, it was for not being able to completely stifle the urge to laugh at how absurd the situation was. I don’t think that helped speed things along.
I knew they had made a huge mistake, they didn’t know it yet, and I knew that it would be sorted out.
For a situation where I could quickly get a huge hole blown in my skull, it was funny as HELL. And this isn’t just me now looking back at it… while I was going through it, the absurdity of it all was stupefying.
Best part of it all was that they eventually caught the bad guys.
Now compare that to the guy at UCLA, in the library without a simple pass after passes-only hours had started.
For such a tiny thing to resist over, he was screaming “Don’t touch me!” and “Get off of me!” and “I have a medical condition!” and “Here’s your Patriot Act!” and “Here’s your f–king abuse of Power!” and “I was leaving this godforsaken place!” and “F— off!” (dashes added so as not to offend Mrs K-J)
He tried to leave when they told him not to. He didn’t leave when they asked him to. He didn’t stand when they told him to. He did the opposite of what the uniformed officers were telling him to.
They told him multiple times to stand up. I’ve counted fifteen so far.
If it’s something minor that can be sorted out easily and the situation can be defused by complying, you comply.
The guy’s got a medical condition, alright: retardation.
Or, since he was actually using the library for something other than Pat The Bunny, maybe deafness.
Perhaps I have an advantage over the guy. After all, we Jews have a sense of humor about crazy overkill situations like these based on simple misunderstandings. I guess we developed and cultured it over thousands of years of having the crap beaten out of us just being us.
Instead of shouting like a nutcase, I kept calm and laughed.
Lucky bastard, though. All they had pointing at his stupid ass were Tasers.

It’s Friday, so you know it’s time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week’s different… this week we’re going to start a new feature called:

WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?
So, from Mahmoud Abbas’ expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?
Is it:

a) His dark blue suit to come back from the cleaners. This lighter blue one looks totally gay. What are they using those cleaning fluids for, anway…. they’d better be using them for the chemical weapons attack next Tuesday on Be’ersheva.
b) The weather to get cold enough so he can start wearing his furry hat. The hat really makes him look good in the press photos.
c) The St. Louis Cardinals to make a miracle run at the end of the season. Not that he ever gets to use his season tickets.
or
d) NONE OF THE ABOVE
Put your guesses in the comments.

So Senator John Edwards, a leading Wal-Mart basher, was caught trying to get help from a local Wal-Mart to get a Playstation 3. He has since apologized for this huge gaffe.
Three things here:
1. I love being a Republican because I can go to Wal-Mart, buy some beer, steaks, handgun ammo, and videogames (the ingredients to a fun day) and not feel the slightest need to apologize to anyone.
2. Are we going to find more Wal-Mart/Edwards connections, such as that he get his fabulous hair done at the salon in the Wal-Mart?
3. Why the Playstation 3? I just don’t get any of the excitement for that system. It costs as much as a computer and has no killer-app I know of that’s releasing with it and all the system offers is some better graphics. If you want better graphics, go the much cheaper route and buy a new graphics card for your computer.
Personally, I’m much more excited about the Nintendo Wii. Sure, it by far has the gayest name ever for a videogame system, but it’s got awesome motion control controllers that completely change the gamin experience. I mean, a game at launch has you swinging the controller to control a katana on screen, and you just know it won’t be long until there’s a lightsaber simulator (they better devote a button on the controller to activating and deactivating the lightsaber whenever you feel like that; I could probably do just that for hours). Plus, it will make games so intuitive I’ll be able to get SarahK to play games with me. Previously, I was going to push to have kids really soon so I’ll finally have some people to play videogames with (my children better love sitting around playing videogames and not be into that sports crap), but the Nintendo Wii makes that less urgent.
So here are the Wii advantages:
* Innovative game play using a motion control controller.
* A new Zelda game at launch plus a game where you get to fight Yakuza with guns and a katana.
* No need to immediately impregnate SarahK.
So in week or so (if the book sells well), I’m going to Wal-Mart to buy a Wii, some tube socks, Doritios, a new shotgun, a comfy chair, some ice cream, a couple rock and country albums, and some romantic candles for my sweetie.
I love weekends.

I got this e-mail this morning from Kevin Aylward of Wizbang:

Dear Frank,
Nominations for The 2006 Weblog Awards are now open at
http://2006.weblogawards.org/ . All categories can be accessed via the master nomination post:
http://2006.weblogawards.org/2006/11/the_2006_weblog_awards_nominations_open.php
This year we’ve added many new categories and updated some older categories. Nominations are via comments to the appropriate nomination posts. Nominations close November 24, 2006, and voting will begin the first week of December.
Hotlinkable images and code are available here:
http://2006.weblogawards.org/2006/11/get_your_weblog_awards_logos.php
Please spread the word and make it the best Weblog Awards yet!

Hey, if there’s like a humor category, someone should nominate us!

I got my hair highlighted and cut today, so I feel pretty. So I decided to come out of hiding and finally post a picture of me. A recent, up-to-date picture of me. From today. To counteract all that Frankiness from yesterday.

Red Ted Turner takes a jab at Rupert Murdoch:

But don’t ask him to share warm feelings about Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corp., or Time Warner Inc., which purchased Turner Broadcasting System Inc. in 1996.
“There is one person I don’t like,” he said of Murdoch.
Turner lambasted Murdoch – whose net worth is $7.7 billion, according to Forbes magazine.
“He gives nothing to charity,” said Turner, whose net worth is estimated at $1.9 billion.

So, whats the example we get as a charitable contribution?

Cable-industry legend Ted Turner has traveled the globe urging friendship instead of fighting.
He even donated $1 billion over the past nine years to the United Nations to promote world peace.

One look at Kosovo, Haiti, Lebanon, Sudan, Rwanda, Cyprus, Gaza and countless other places in the globe and you’ll quickly see that it’s not exactly peace that’s the end-product of the local agents of the United Nations.
People tend to end up in pieces when the UN comes to town.
But when it comes to Turner’s jabs at Murdoch for not giving anything to charity, well technically, neither has Turner.
Grandma always said get out the dictionary:

1. generous actions or donations to aid the poor, ill, or helpless: to devote one’s life to charity.
   Unless I’m mistaken, Ted’s money goes in the UN General fund, not earmarked specifically for UNESCO or UNICEF or WFP or other programmes anybody reading the UN News Feed will recognize in their all-caps BUTTCRACKISTAN IN DIRE NEED OF FOOD AFTER DROUGHT, EARTHQUAKE, YANKEES LOSS.
   Even a contribution directly to UNRWA might accidentally end up with a portion of it acting as something remotely resembling charity by a Western standard.
   But paying the inflated salaries of meddling techocrats in New York, Geneva and countless other cities with no other purpose but to research, generate, organize, debate, and distribute proclamations and condemnations is hardly an attempt to aid the poor.
2. something given to a person or persons in need; alms: She asked for work, not charity.
   Ever seen the retirement packages of those UN bureaucrats? I’d hardly consider those people in need of much at all.
3. a charitable act or work.
   Writing a check and appearing at a few banquets in his honor isn’t what I’d call work. Running a news network, even if it’s to promote an anti-American agenda, is work. Might even work up a sweat doing it.
   But we’ve already established that the UN itself is hardly a charity.
4. a charitable fund, foundation, or institution: He left his estate to a charity.
   Not only is he the benefactor of a non-charitable organization, but he even set up a foundation to write the checks for him. He just hands checks over to Kofi, maybe with a hand-slap when Kofi tries to make a grab for it.
5. benevolent feeling, esp. toward those in need or in disfavor: She looked so poor that we fed her out of charity.
   Hrm… take a look at the votes in the UN General Assembly.
   Tell me who’s in disfavor (hint: starts with I) and how much Ted has given them.
6. leniency in judging others; forbearance: She was inclined to view our selfish behavior with charity.
   Ted’s comments on Rupert Murdoch kinda shoots the hell out of that one.
7. Christian love; agape.
   Read some of the statements coming out of OIC, Non Aligned Movement, and Arab League representatives and tell me how Christian the sentiment is over there in Turtle Bay.

Sorry, Ted. 0 for 7.
Bye bye, now.

From a purely Milton Friedman perspective on the economy, the money supply just decreased by the two quarters they’ll use to cover his eyes.

Continue reading ‘RIP Milton Friedman’ »