Heh.
I only asked because I figured his wife reads his blog…
Archive of entries posted on 1st November 2006
Unclean! Unclean!
Kerry Issues Official Apology
Text of apology is here.
I do humbly apologize to all those I insulted. Initially, I felt I did nothing wrong. Obviously, some people are too stupid to get the joke. Therefore, I sincerely apologize to those I offended, if I indeed offended anyone, which couldn’t be possible since I served in Vietnam.
Additionally, I have been told to apologize for the following..
I’m deeply sorry for being so French….
I’m sorry that I have a horseface, although, personally, I just don’t see it.
I’m sorry that I lost that last election.
I’m sorry that I always use that snooty way of talking.
As someone who plans to run for president again someday soon, I want to say that I am a strong leader and will bow down to NO ONE!!!
Oh, I also apologize for not having issued an apology much sooner.
I Demand An Apology
In light of everything that’s been said of late. I demand an apology.
Oh yes, an apology. From everyone whose has piled on John Kerry for the comments he made yesterday.
That’s right everybody. Kerry was making a joke about George W Bush being uneducated and stupid. Now, I can understand why no one would recognize it. No one has every attempted such a joke. Uncharted waters. Beware thar be dragons!
Making a joke out of calling the president, of all things, stupid. Who but a mental giant with masters in Humorology like Kerry could ever fathom such? Everyone knows the president is stupid. Everyone has heard of jokes before. But who could think to combine the two? RE-VO-LU-TION-ARY!
While the president IS indeed a grade A moron who made the worst grades in everything everywhere ever. In fact the only A he ever got was in moronic-ness. It’s just never occurred to us simple folk that such a well established fact could be a kernel from which a stalk of humor could be cultivated. It was just too obvious to us! The first of a kind is often misconstrued, unrecognized and misunderstood even feared.
Perhaps this making fun of the President’s I.Q. or lack thereof could be the start of something. Perhaps making light of his chimp-like appearance could follow. Doubtful though, true innovative geniuses like Kerry are never appreciated whilst they live.
Apologize,you ignorant uneducated rubes!
Troops Ask For Kerry’s Help
Heh.
Hot Air has a larger version of the picture (it’s not a photoshop).
While I have your attention, John Hawkins polled right-wing bloggers (including me) on how they think the election will turn out (and what issues most hurt the Republicans). Apparently, we’re all pretty optimistic… maybe even to the point of delusion. I guess we’ll see on the 7th.
Remember to tune into IMAO on election night for live-blogging from your IMAO favorites (and the other IMAO bloggers as well).
Another Kerry Botched Joke… #1
Intended Joke. Two Jews walk into a bar..
Unfortunately, the joke was botched. Here’s what he said…
Botched: ” They told the stories at times they had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam. ”
I HATE when that happens. Mr. Kerry then refused to apologize saying that there were too many Jews hanging out in bars and nobody was doing anything about it. He refused to discuss the issue of Jews and bars saying, ‘I don’t need this. I served in Vietnam.”
In My World: October 31st Surprise
“John Kerry has been criticized from all side for remarks thought to be critical of troops’ intelligence,” the anchorman said. “We now go live for his statement on this issue.”
John Kerry stood at a podium looking as angry as the Botox allowed him. “How could anyone every think that I, a highly decorated veteran who, by the way, served in Vietnam, would insult the troops… other than those time I did so in front of Congress and on national television? It’s preposterous. Only someone as dishonest as a common Army soldier would assert such a thing. I’m sure you all understand this, because you’re not a bunch of retard Marines. So ignore the lies, especially if they come from lecherous Navy men. I would hope the media would correct the record, but there all as lazy as a member of the Air Force.
“In conclusion: Don’t fall for the lies and be military stupid; instead, be Kerry smart!”
Dick Cheney turned off the television. “To think that the country was this close to electing the only person dumber than George Bush.”
President Bush laughed. “Yeah, he’s even dumber than… Hey!”
“Who were those monkeys in the crowd that were jumping up and down?” Condoleezza Rice asked.
“The KosKids,” Cheney answered. “Kerry’s combative response seems to have excited the liberal netroots. Then again, they’ll latch on to about anything and go into a frenzy.”
Bush scratched his head. “I thought they didn’t like Kerry because of how he lost to me or how he didn’t lose but also didn’t contest Ohio or whatever the hell their crazy narrative is.”
“Their memories don’t last very long,” Cheney explained. “Actually, the only things they can commit to long term memory are anything wrong they think you did.”
Bush pumped his fists in the air. “I’m memorable!”
“So what do we do with this?” Condi asked.
Bush shrugged. “I guess I should ask Rove. I thought he had an October surprise, but nothing came up. I’m glad this happened though. Yay for dumb Democrats!”
Bush went down into the catacombs beneath D.C. His path was lit only by his torch, and at his sides were the corpses of many political fortunes. “Rover!” Bush called out. “Rovey Rovey Rover!”
He tripped into a puddle which extinguished his torch. “Aww. Every time I disappear without a word and come back muddy, Laura yells at me.”
Bush then heard two voices ahead. He crawled through the darkness until he spotted some more torchlight and the silhouettes of two figures.
“Your latest comments will cause more controversy,” said a sinister voice. “Make sure to respond in an even more combative manner. That will alienate most voters while exciting the liberal netroots. We need those fools to remain active to win.”
“Yes, my dark master,” answered the second person.
Bush ran forward and saw it was Karl Rove and John Kerry. “What’s going on here? Are you two working together?”
“Aieee! A surface-dweller!” Kerry screamed and then ran off into the darkness of the caves.
“Fool! You wanted an October surprise, and you got it!” Rove answered. “The genius of this one was that no one would suspect I was behind it if it appeared to be an unforced error from a Democrat.”
“But how long has Kerry worked for you? I mean, during 2004…”
Rove chuckled. “To make sure you won, I needed someone who at first glance seemed electable but was actually unpleasant and unappealing. I tasked Kerry to fill that role and won you your reelection.”
“Aww… I thought I won that because everyone thinks I’m cool.”
Rove laughed evilly. “Never underestimate the power of Rove!”
“Well, I don’t think this right!” Bush said. “I’m going to have to tell everyone that Kerry is your sleeper agent!”
“I don’t think so.” Rove walked towards Bush, and Bush found himself unable to move or even scream.
Bush woke up in bed next to Laura. “Wow, what a weird dream I had.”
“Being drugged and dragged to your bed by Karl Rove probably would give you weird dreams,” Laura said.
“Yep, at least it was all just a dream.”
On TV, Kerry was speaking again. “…and the right wing nut-jobs have once gains misconstrued my words, attacking me with the zeal of our murderous, baby-killing troops…”
Finally, Someone Admits My Literacy
Guess who wrote this to John Derbyshire.
I was only joshing him because of all the hate mail he was getting for taking Kerry’s side.
And he should admit it!
UPDATE:
Before people get too angry at Derb, I should mention that he did know I was joking. And be careful with him; he almost beat up Bruce Lee!
The Constant Drum Beat for Kerry to Apologize Now Includes Jungle Drums
Harold Ford Jr. has called on Kerry to apologize for his comments, which I think makes him the first Democrat to do so.
Expect the nutroots, who already weren’t enthralled with Ford, to chastise him for being an “uppity negro.”
I have to say, I didn’t get Kerry’s joke at first, but now it’s really really funny.
It could have been worse…
You know, as odd as it seems, it could have actually been worse for John Kerry when he delivered that speech in which he maligned our nation’s troops.
If it hadn’t have been for Botox, he could have actually generated a true mocking sneer on his face while delivering that “Or you’ll end up in Iraq” line.
However, beyond allowing his lips to form the malignant words, his poison-ravaged facial muscles were only able to generate a series of weak twitches.
If you watch YouTube and news clips of that speech, you can see his face try to form the appearance of a sneer. It’s a frightening sight, a horror of modern medicine gone amok. It’s like a 98-pound weakling at the freeweights, straining to bench three hundred pounds, and only able to rattle the bar slightly on the posts.
It is my theory that you could get more emotion and expression out of a John Kerry Halloween mask than John Kerry’s actual face.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Billy O’Babbage is Bart’s made-up name for the kid who fell down the well
2) What is the name of Homer’s Bowling Team
3) The Simpson’s are inducted into which religious cult?
4) In “Mom & Pop Art”, who keeps stealing things?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
More Pathunny from the KosKids
With Kerry’s remarks causing such a firestorm, it’s funny to watch the KosKids scramble for a clue on how to respond. Unable to come up with new ideas, DarKSyde posts this on the front page of the DailyKos:
* VP Dick Cheney – several deferments, by marriage and timely fatherhood.
* Karl Rove, occasional Deputy Chief of Staffand alleged full time smear artist, escaped the draft and did not serve
* Secretary of State and former NSA Condaleeza Rice – did not serve
* Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist – did not serve.
* Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert – did not serve.
* Republican Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay – did not serve.
* Republican Senator John McCain – spent the Vietnam War in a Hilton.
* Rush Limbaugh – did not serve
* Sean Hannity – did not serve
* Ann Coulter – did not serve
* Bill O’Reilly – did not serve
And that’s relevant to this issue… how?
Okay, nitwits, now lets look at a more relevant contrast of these people with John Kerry:
* VP Dick Cheney – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Karl Rove – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Secretary of State and former NSA Condaleeza Rice – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Republican Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay -did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Republican Senator John McCain – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Rush Limbaugh – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Sean Hannity – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Ann Coulter – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
* Bill O’Reilly – did not insult intelligence of troops or accuse them of war crimes.
Just trying to help the nutroots keep things on issue.
UPDATE:
I know some of you are upset, so here is DarkSyde’s e-mail (only those who conform to GroupThink™ are allowed to comment on the DailyKos): DarkSydeOTheMoon@aol.com
The Navy: They Float and They Kill
I like the Navy. Two thirds of the world is covered in water, and who will kill people on that? They Navy, of course. The Marines can’t handle it as they are unable to walk on water. And, even if the Marines had magical water walking shoes, water is a rugged terrain with no cover to duck behind. Luckily the Navy is used to this. Thus, they have big ships with giant guns. They can sit out in the water and pound the land with their big guns. The foreigners will be like, “What’s that? Is it the wrath of God?” No, it’s the Navy. Also, the Navy has nuclear weapons.
Don’t mess with the Navy.
Right now, there is a fund-raiser for Project Valour-IT which provides voice-controlled laptop computers to wounded Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines recovering from hand and arm injuries or amputations at home or in military hospitals. Hopefully, they’ll also give them to our illiterate troops, as many troops are illiterate because they are quite dumb as John Kerry tactfully pointed out.
In this fundraiser, the three branches of the military and the Air Force are competing in fundraising. I was asked by Chaotic Synaptic Activity to help with the Navy. I agreed since my roommate in college was in the Navy and he drove me to Sears to buy a new car battery when my old one died. So far, the combined effort of the Army, Air Force, and the Marines has never gotten me to Sears.
So, give money to help our wounded troops, and do it in the name of the Navy!
They are behind the others right now, which is bad because they can nuke everyone.
If you must give in the name of another branch, though, Blackfive is the Army (lazy drunkards) leader, Villainous Company is the Marine (score nearly as well as chimps on standardized tests) leader, and Op-For is the Air Force (the military’s golf team) leader. I wouldn’t give money through them, though, as they are all worse than pedophiles (was that okay, or did I overstep the bounds of friendly competition?).
So, make your tax deductible donation using the button above to help our wounded troops and to show your support of our God-like Navy.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Milhouse is the genius in Bart’s class
2) Where do Patty & Selma live?
3) What musical instrument can be seen in the Simpson’s sitting room?
4) What 4th grade class did Principal Skinner used to teach?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.