We had a photo shoot this morning for the book cover, this time with Frank J. as the model. Here’s one of the photos not being used. Ladies, I should remind you that both envy and covetousness are sins.
Archive of entries posted on 15th November 2006
What’s In A Picture?
Original Picture: Commander looks bloated, constipated. Not so fresh.
Opinion: Loser. Who cares what he thinks?
Other picture: Commander looks in charge. Confident.
Opinion: We should listen to this man as he knows what he’s doing. And might kill us otherwise.
Ducky’s Note. Doesn’t this guy every close his mouth. I went through pages of pics before I could find one where he didn’t look like he just got fished out of the sea.
Pawn Shop
I think it would be cool to one day own a pawn shop and have a big sign out front saying “PAWN SHOP.” Then, some guy would come by to sell his grandfather’s watch or something, and, when he’d enter, all he’d see is a store full of pawns for various chess sets. And he’d look to me and say, “This has to be the dumbest most useless store ever!”
That would be so awesome!
Budweiser’s spokestooge is sexiest alive…
Okay, so People Magazine decided that George Clooney is the sexiest man alive.
The list began in 1985 with Mel Gibson, so we can expect George Clooney to be pulled over for a DUI and blaming everything on the Jews in… let’s see… 2027.
Oh, wait. He was Sexiest Man Alive in 1997, too?
Well, I guess he’s due for his drunken anti-Semitic meltdown in… carry the one… 2009.
Mark your calendars, folks.
Continue reading ‘Budweiser’s spokestooge is sexiest alive…’ »
Yay! New Leadership!
The Democrats are trying to select a Majority Leader. Pelosi wants him to be Murtha while others want Hoyer. Let’s look at the two candidates:
Murtha: He wants to move all our Middle East operations to Okinawa because he’s senile and then take bribes from Arabs (after he gets to know them better).
Hoyer: Don’t know a thing a about him; I don’t even know what he looks like. I could be spelling his name wrong.
Breaking down the facts like that, I think it becomes obvious that Hoyer is the better choice. But I would offer the Democrats a third option: a gorilla.
Democrats have the perception of being weak, but gorillas are known for being strong. Next time the Democrats are criticized for being soft on terror, they can respond, “Yeah, well we have a gorilla as our majority leader; how do you like them apples? Doesn’t sound so weak to me. What do you Republicans have?”
And the Republicans would be flustered and be like, “Well… uh… we have Denny Hastert. He was a wrestling coach.”
And the Democrats would laugh and say, “Wrestling? You mean men grabbing each other? That sounds gay.”
And the Republicans would look at their feet and sigh, “Yeah, I guess it does.”
And the Democrats would be like, “pwn3d!”
As for the Republican leadership, they’re making Trent Lott the Senate minority whip. That’s the guy who whips the Senators who aren’t working very hard (that’s a lot of whipping!). Many people are talking about how bad a choice Trent Lott is, but they’re forgetting all the good things about him.
GOOD THINGS ABOUT TRENT LOTT
* His name is a palindrome.
* If splashed with water, he can grow to three times his normal size.
* He can name all 50 states and their capitals.
He will be a good minority whip; he better just not whip minorities because we’ve had plenty of racism scandals lately.
I think this new leadership will be tons of fun. Sure, the way it’s turning out is a bit like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic – really old chairs that have been there a long while – but… uh…
Yay new leadership!
Fun Facts About Pennsylvania
While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I’m going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States – hopefully on a weekly schedule.
(continued in the extended entry)
A Special Message From RNC Chair – Mel Martinez
Update: Sheesh, people. I’m NOT saying Mel is Mexican. Mel is from FLORIDA. There are no Mexicans in Florida. (Gentlemen’s agreement. We give them Florida, they let us have California.) This has to do with his lax immigration attitudes. See this link.
BTW, See the BIG Mexican flag in the background? See the LITTLE American flag in the foreground? That’s the level of priorities we should expect when it comes to dealing with illegal immigration.
The really sad part is that I end up having to explain most of my jokes. I’m glad I still have my day job.
In My World: Severance
“Do I really have to have Nancy Pelosi behind me when I give my State of the Union Address?” President Bush asked as he and Tony Snow walked by the Pentagon.
“That’s usually the custom.”
“But what if she’s plotting to eat my skin?! She just has that look on her face like she’s just waiting for someone to drop his guard so she can kill him and eat his skin!”
“You’ll just have to risk it, I guess.”
There was a loud crash, and Bush looked up to see a desk smashing through the wall of the Pentagon and fall to the ground. “Rumsfeld must be moving his things.”
There was another crash, and Ted Kennedy flew through a wall and plummeted to the ground.
“I think he’s mad.”
Tony nodded. “That’s always a good assumption.”
They ran inside to find Rumsfeld destroying his office.
“Isn’t retirement great?” Bush asked.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled, and took a swing at Bush. Bush ducked and Rumsfeld punched out the wall behind him.
Bush dusted drywall off his suit jacket. “I thought you were giving a press conference about your leaving?”
“I was, but the reporters questioned my ability so I strangled them all.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “The weirdest thing was the surprised looks on their faces as I killed them… like they actually expected anything else to happen.”
Bush noticed a document lying on the ground and picked it up. “What this?”
“It’s my severance package; why don’t they just take me out into a field and shoot me?!” Rumsfeld growled. “The Democrats are going to cut and run; they are going to make America lose. I must kill them all.” He stormed off.
“Have fun,” Bush said, not looking up from the severance package he was reading.
Tony looked towards the exiting Rumsfeld. “Do you think we should do try and stop Rumsfeld before he hurts someone?”
“I have an even better idea!” Bush exclaimed. “I’m going to get fired!”
“Um… what?!”
“Do you see how generous this severance package is?” Bush handed the paper to Tony. “Government jobs are sweet! I totally could totalyl be sitting pretty on this severance package! I don’t want to be a lame duck getting yelled at for the next two years while the Dems screw everything up; I want to relax in Texas and play golf. I just have to get my self fired.”
“I’m not thinking that’s the best idea, sir.”
“And I’m thinking it’s the best idea ever! The Dems already hate me, I just need to get the Republicans to hate me too. What issue does the base really care about?”
“Well, a lot of them don’t like your plans on immigration and–”
“Perfect!” Bush rubbed his greedy hands together. “I got an idea to so get me fired and make that sweet sweet severance package mine.” He thought for a moment. “Now, do I have enough time to first grow a Hitler mustache?”
Tony sighed. “Where’s the nearest bar.”
“I think Ted’s still on the street outside; he’ll know.”
“I’d like to unveil the new RNC Chair,” Bush told the press. “Mel Martinez.” Bush pulled the canvas sack off of Mel’s head.
“That wasn’t a veil and it was completely unnecessary,” Mel said.
Bush patted him on the back. “Good ‘ole Mel!”
A reporter stepped forward. “Melinda Hawkish, FOX News. Is this selection of Senator Martinez an indication you are surrendering on the illegal immigration issue and going to grant amnesty?”
“Not amnesty, a guest worker program,” Mel said.
“That’s right,” Bush added. “Completely different things… just like cut and run versus phased withdrawal. Mel isn’t pro-illegal immigrant, and anyone who disagrees with me on this is a xenophobic racist who should die. Right, Mel?”
“Well–”
“Why is his mere presence causing this press conference to be flooded with illegal immigrants, then?” Melinda persisted.
“Shut up, you right-wing, FOX News nazi!” Bush shouted. “You and everyone who watches your news station just hates brown people!”
The press cheered Bush. He leaned over to whisper to Mel, “When Republicans see the press cheer me on, it’s going to make them so angry that I’m totally getting fired!”
“You’re doing what now?”
“Why wasn’t Michael Steele given this position?” another reporter asked.
“He was too dynamic and conservative,” Bush answered. “Plus, I hate black people. Didn’t you ever listen to that whiner Kanye West? I mean I hate black people so much I blew up the levees in New Orleans. That’s just the kind of president I am.” He looked into one of the cameras. “And there’s nothing any of you can do to stop me!”
“I would just like to mention that I don’t hate black people,” Mel said meekly.
Bush slapped him on the back. “See, Mel is a stand up guy. He’ll be perfect to welcome in our new Mexican migrant worker overlords, perhaps placating them with his own Mexican-ness.”
“I was born in Cuba, actually, and–”
Bush smiled. “And he’s a foreigner! A Commie foreigner! That’s right, I put a Commie foreigner in charge of the RNC and there is nothing other Republicans can do about it!”
“I’m an American and I’m not a Com–”
“Don’t be modest, Mel! He’s here to lead the Republican Party into a new era of crazy foreignness full of Communism and illegal Mexicans! And no one – no one – can stop me! Muh ha ha ha!”
“Are you trying to get fired?” a reporter asked.
Bush paused for a moment. “I dunno… you think it’s working?”
“No one watches these… except maybe a few bloggers.”
“But they write lots of e-mails and that can make stuff happen, right?” Bush asked hopefully.
The reporter shook his head. “They just go into the spam folder.”
Bush stomped his foot. “But I wanna get fired!”
“Do you know anything about the police finally closing in on a suspect in the ‘Rumsfeld Strangler’ case?” a reporter asked.
Bush furrowed his brow. “Who is doing what now?”
Rumsfeld rested in his easy chair with Chomps his rottweiler napping angrily next to him. Rumsfeld held a pen and a pad of paper. “Now to make a list of Democrats to strangle to make America safer.” He thought for a moment. “Eh, probably easier to make a list of Democrats not to strangle.” He started writing. “Joe Lieb–”
His front door was kicked in and in barged DC Detective Ian Competent flanked by police.
Chomps growled. Rumsfeld looked up and said, “This better be important; I have lots of people to kill!”
“You’ll only be killing people in prison now… Rumsfeld Strangler!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Nomination
No. Really.
Go nominate IMAO for Best Humor Blog so many times, they have to get another server just to handle the traffic.
If your fingers aren’t bleeding, then you’re not nominating enough.
If your keyboard isn’t cracked, then you’re not nominating enough.
If your mailbox is filled with nasty notes from Kevin, then you’re not nominating enough.
Do it! Now!
Otherwise, the Democrats will already have won.
Everyone Is Cheering the Democrats’ Win!
Rachel has a must see post of a letter from her husband’s cousin who is serving in Afghanistan. Here’s part of it:
The Taliban are telling everyone that they are winning the war and that the Americans are cowards because we voted for the peace party.
The enemies of America cheering on a Democratic win were inevitable, and the Democrats have to realize it is happening. The only real response for them is to start out hawkish to quell this.
I.e., stop the surrender talk, dinguses, and put Murtha in the old folk’s home.
This Book May Near Kill Me, But It Will Be Worth It
Still getting the last touches on the book so we can send it to the printers this week and start taking orders next week (after we get to see the end product). SarahK and I will be in Texas next week, but we’ll still get things moving.
We will have the signed copy option, thought we’re still working on how much extra that will be (SarahK’s pricing shipping supplies we’ll need since we’ll have to mail those ourselves). It will cost a few bucks more for the copies, but we won’t be trying to make an extra profit off of them (but, if we do, I won’t lose sleep).
BTW, forgot all about an author photo for the back cover, so we shot it this morning (it’s dark when I get home from work). Had my cool new IMAO polo for the shoot! I posed very good and will make all the women swoon and want to make sexy time with me.
It will be so cool when this is out! Buy as Christmas gifts for everyone (we will have options to save money on buying multiple copies at once)! If you don’t buy many copies, you hate America!
Love America! Buy my book!
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Ms. Botz is one of the A.K.A.’s of The Babysitter Bandit
2) What does Barney use for a coffee table in his apartment?
3) In “Bart Gets Famous”, Homer says he’d like to smack which little snot?
4) Who is officially credited for providing the voice of Lisa’s substitute teacher, Mr. Bergstrom?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
Ahh!
I just suddenly realized that Pelosi is going to be next in line for the presidency after Cheney. Let’s not have Bush and the VP together for the State of the Union this year or I’m just going to be tense the whole time.
UPDATE:
Here’s how this came up this morning. SarahK was asking why they need both a Speaker and a Majority Leader, and I said, “Well, the Majority Leader is a party position, while the Speaker is a postion outlined in the Constitution and is in line for the presidency after the VP… Gah!”